Ahem, Let Me Revise that Earlier Post

Ahem, Let Me Revise that Earlier Post

February 21st, 2010 @ 4:00 pm by Mrs. Pug
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Um, remember when I was talking about how I have practically unilateral decision-making ability in wedding planning, and that Mr. Pug’s non-involvement wasn’t really a problem? I was pretty damn proud of ourselves for not bickering, because I was happy to do the work and it wasn’t his thing. I couldn’t stop patting myself on the back! Pat pat…

Source

Well, um, hee hee, so right after I wrote those posts, we made up for the lack of small bickering with one DOOZY of a fight. Ha.

What triggered this unpleasant scene? Well, after I wrote those earlier posts, I started to get anxious, thinking that if Mr. Pug doesn’t get a little more involved, then: (1) he wouldn’t be excited about the wedding; (2) he would have no idea what was going on the day of, feel lost, and not enjoy himself as much.

To assuage my concerns, I did the calm, reasonable thing and cornered him over a glass of wine one evening, and immediately started pelting him with questions about the order of the ceremony processional. His eyes started to glaze over, and I think he used the word “obsessed” in describing my attitude towards the wedding. I lost it. I admit it, I overreacted. I mean, I was a holy terror.

What the heck happened to being satisfied with our “working” relationship? After an unnecessarily long time of fighting like blind bats (I know, redundant)…

Source (hee hee, is this too much? It slightly grosses me out, but also makes me giggle–I mean, just look how FEROCIOUS it’s trying to be, with that piggy snout and everything)

Why did I react so emotionally? Eventually, this is what I realized:

I am anxious about him knowing what’s going on the day of.
I don’t mind that he takes a backseat (like, strapped to the outside of the trunk) when it comes to planning, but I had a latent sadness that he may not be excited about the wedding. I was totally projecting onto him that he dreaded the wedding. Not a good feeling.
Wedding planning has kept me engaged and occupied in a positive way. One of the greatest benefits of wedding planning is having become a member of this great Weddingbee community—I feel connected. This kind of connection has helped keep my mind level when dealing with other stresses in my life—career, jobs, work, salary, etc. (notice a theme here?). Him describing it as “obsessed” did not go over well.

In tears, I told him my concerns. He assured me that he is looking forward to the wedding, that all my planning has gotten him excited about it, and that he didn’t realize how important wedding planning was to me in terms of my emotional health (psh, shows how much he pays attention). It was all very comforting.

Source (much less disturbing picture of bat, but not as funny, either)

Whew. So, did anyone else have disagreements, big or small, that taught you a few things about deeper feelings regarding the wedding and planning?

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35 Responses to “Ahem, Let Me Revise that Earlier Post”

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Bee

Miss Frozen Yogurt (message) 2,685 posts, Sugar bee

Aww, pug, we had EXACTLY the same conversation. I started to feel like I was the only one excited about all of this and it gets really lonely being the only one in a partnership doing everything. And, it isn’t that way for anything else in our relationship, so it really bothered me. He’s come a long way, but I still don’t think he knows what’s going to happen day of, but who knows, he could surprise me.

2/21/10 @ 4:22 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Socks (message) 1,323 posts, Bumble bee

Haha We had this same argument today!! My fi has been excited about all of the plans I’m making, but for some of the things I’m not so excited about or struggling with, he hasn’t chipped in. I felt a bit like a lunatic for a few minutes during the squabble, so I feel better that I’m not alone!

Glad you guys worked it out and you feel better!

2/21/10 @ 4:42 pm (reply)

Member

futurebean (message) 73 posts, Worker bee

I wonder how many others have had this EXACT SAME convo with their partners?! You can add me to that list… But the good thing is, like you, I also came out of it feeling reassured and comfortable with our roles in the whole wedding planning process. Obsessed– us? Nah! =)

2/21/10 @ 5:04 pm (reply)

Member

baybee510 (message) 41 posts, Newbee

You are not alone! I always get irritated by my fiance’s lack of involvement, not just regarding the wedding itself but a lot of other things too (I make all the decisions in our relationship). I’ve given up on expecting him to take the initiative and make decisions - it’s just not his style.

I just think about the positive - it means I get to do what I want! Haha.

I know he loves me and is excited about our life together. And I love him b/c of his many great qualities - he’s just not 100% perfect, no one is. I can’t fault him for not being more excited about the wedding. Wedding planning becomes like a hobby for us girls - he doesn’t get mad at me for not being into soccer or beer.

He explained that he is just much more excited about our future - actually building and living a life together - than the one day.

2/21/10 @ 5:40 pm (reply)

Member

moderndaisy (message) 6,703 posts, Bee Keeper

Sometimes I force myself to take a step back and involve him in something I wasn’t going to involve him in. Like the invitations - I was just going to make an appointment at Mr. Boddington’s and pick them out myself, then I realized, even though it’s a ‘girly’ thing to do, he might have an opinion and/or get excited about how they are going to look! I was totally right, he was very thankful that I included him and actually did have a lot of opinions! It was fun and now we know that the invatations are a product of both of our likes, not just something I picked out. So I guess what I’m saying is I *try* to avoid a situation where i will feel resentful that he wasn’t involved by getting his input.

2/21/10 @ 5:41 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Hot Wings (message) 2,213 posts, Buzzing bee

geez… I’m totally going through this. We hit 6 months today and I started asking about this and that. When Mr. HW started telling me to slow down, I about lost it. I’ve been mentioning things for so many months and he hadn’t objected. Then all of a sudden he had opinions as if I had never mentioned things to him before. To me the lack of involvement meant that he didn’t care about the planning part. But he wants to be involved, I just hadn’t given him enough opportunities. Lesson learned. Great post.

2/21/10 @ 5:44 pm (reply)

Member

Marinara (message) 392 posts, Helper bee

Oh wow. This. Exact. Fight. Ours is centered on the fact that 1) he doesn’t involve his family and 2) it was HIS idea that he should take it upon himself to find & book officiant… and… he has taken no steps to find or book said officiant. And when I hint that maybe I should take a bigger role in officiant-finding, he says I’m pushing him out of planning. Ugh. We’ve worked on it and things are better — but it still flares up occassionally!

Honestly? I feel like it’s healthy to have a few doozies during wedding planning. In a way I felt comforted because it showed me that he was passionate about it!!

2/21/10 @ 5:58 pm (reply)

Member

mrsmdphd (message) 1,158 posts, Bumble bee

You know, it’s weird, I don’t remember writing this blog, but I must have, because….oh wait. You wrote it? Got it.

Ha. But in all seriousness, those words could have come directly from the deepest parts of my soul. Every one of your concerns are concerns I have had too! So glad I’m not alone! I’m working on it, and so is he. The other day, he told me that he realized most of our tiffs about wedding planning are his fault (not true) and that started a great conversation about what we both can do to make the other feel better. Love this post!

2/21/10 @ 6:10 pm (reply)

Member

verbal_viking (message) 35 posts, Newbee

Great post! I share some of the same feelings, but we’ve never had an argument about this stuff (crossing the fingers!). Whenever I start to feel like he has no interest, I remind myself that there’s no point in getting stressed out about it.

2/21/10 @ 6:44 pm (reply)

10.

Bee

Miss Hamster (message) 4,046 posts, Honey bee

Ha! The Mister and I went through this this past weekend with registry woes. It all degenerated over the formal china selection - it was ugly (the argument, not the selection).

2/21/10 @ 7:05 pm (reply)

11.

Member

silverbrooke (message) 254 posts, Helper bee

I have the same problem! He is unenthusiastic about the wedding and planning. Not about us. It kind of un-nerves me.

2/21/10 @ 7:07 pm (reply)

12.

Bee

Miss Scissors (message) 7,343 posts, Bee Keeper

I think we went through this exact thing a few months ago. I think that planning a wedding brings out the irrational in everybody, and it’s normal to have crazy little blow-ups.

2/21/10 @ 7:37 pm (reply)

13.

Bee

Miss Sewing (message) 2,701 posts, Sugar bee

heh, those bats are so cute, in a strange way! i’m glad you got to communicate your concerns with mr. pug!

2/21/10 @ 7:40 pm (reply)

14.

Bee

Mrs. Cowboy Boot (message) 434 posts, Helper bee

Mr. CB and I went through the exact same thing! I really enjoyed it and took on the majority of everything (welcomely). He took a back seat (like Mr. Pug) and only jumped in on a few decisions. He, too, called me obsessed and didn’t like how much I poured over Weddingbee. I also thought it was him dreading the wedding and we often talked about how glad we’d be when the wedding was over so there wasn’t this weird disconnect/tension in our house. Don’t worry–he will love EVERYTHING at the wedding! Mr. CB adored our wedding (and went into it with only snippets of knowledge about what was going on).

2/21/10 @ 7:44 pm (reply)

15.

Bee

Miss Pencils (message) 1,027 posts, Bumble bee

ahh, I’m sad you had a big fight! we haven’t had this fight (yet?!) but sometimes i think that Mr. P hates all the time and energy i put into it

2/21/10 @ 7:47 pm (reply)

16.

Hostess

bellenga (message) 7,536 posts, Bee Keeper

We just did this very thing last night after I had a meltdown after trying on some wedding gowns. Meltdown numero uno.

He now understands that the wedding is important so is my emotions and that they are in fact, somehow somewhat intertwined now.

2/21/10 @ 7:51 pm (reply)

17.

Bee

Miss Argyle (message) 2,516 posts, Sugar bee

We haven’t had a fight, but definitely a talk about it. The Mr. is taking a back seat as well, by letting me do pretty much all of the planning. I have only included him in on things he wanted to or things I want him to (i.e. cake tasting and registering, both of which he really enjoyed). So no worries, Mr. Pug will be excited about the wedding - he gets to marry you!!

2/21/10 @ 8:00 pm (reply)

18.

Member

spaganya (message) 2,291 posts, Buzzing bee

we havent had a fight about anything but its really starting to get to me that NO ONE pays attention. even something like “i need the addresses of the family members on your side that you have invited… if you want them to BE invited” ive been asking for weeks. bumpkiss.
or when he says hes gonna take care of something like the DJ booking, but then makes no move to do so. we have a holiday weekend in a tourist town, we cant do this last minute. and my OCD doesn’t help in that i need things to be checked off for me to relax. *sigh*

but i digress.

i DO try and keep folks involved by showing him samples of things and getting his opinion. next up is trying to get him to pick out tuxes…..

2/21/10 @ 8:58 pm (reply)

19.

Bee

Miss Giraffe (message) 4,219 posts, Honey bee

I’ve def had the same situation with the future mister.

2/21/10 @ 9:47 pm (reply)

20.

Member

aliceinweddingland (message) 243 posts, Helper bee

oh miss pug, you are my favorite bee! if you weren’t as obsessed with wedding planning, i’d be a lost bunny without your humorous guidance. maybe it has to do w how dry and antagonistic law is, but wedding planning has also been my blissful anti-work.

2/21/10 @ 10:25 pm (reply)

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