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I wish H.Dawg was as excited about all this planning business as I am. It’s not that he’s apathetic, at all. He gives me his honest opinions of my ideas. And he keeps telling me how great it will be to just be married. But I can’t get him to give any real input.
His one suggestion so far consisted of a yellow aisle runner and “Follow the Yellow Brick Road” as the processional. I hope to God he was kidding. But who really knows? I didn’t DARE ask about the shoes… Ruby slippers wouldn’t go too well with our theme…
And, to give you another example, this conversation just took place at lunch:
ME: “So, are there any flowers that you really don’t like, and wouldn’t want to be used in your boutonniere?”
HIM: “Well, just don’t pick anything ugly.” (le sigh)
ME: “How do I know what you think is ugly? We have VERY different ideas of what’s pretty, so why don’t you just come with me to the florist?”
HIM: “UH, no. How about when you’re there, and you see something that you like, pick the exact opposite, since you know that’s what I would do.” (cue hysterical-hyena cackle)
See what I mean? LOL. It’s hilarious and infuriating at the same time. He’s a total wise-crack. I love that about him! But how do I know if he’s getting what he really wants? He’s the type that will (most of the time) just settle for what he thinks I want when it comes to the “little” things like flowers. (LITTLE?! Psh.)
And I am a little peeved that he doesn’t want to come. I know that sifting through books of bouquets and deciding whether to use peonies or ranunculus really doesn’t cream his Twinkie. Maybe he’ll be more excited about the food…
I guess all I can hope for is that he’ll really stand up for the things he cares about most.
How have you gotten your man more involved in the planning process?
To his credit, Mr. FF has been very helpful throughout our planning — he’s come with me to almost every single appointment. He did skip the flower appointment, though. His response to the bout question? That he didn’t want one. Easy peasy. 
My husband didn’t give a rats patootie about anything wedding planning related. He just wanted to be married so we could “be a real family” already. His opinion was that what color table cloths we had wasn’t going to make or break the wedding. Wise man that one! The only things he cared anything about were food & music. Oh, and he picked out his own wedding day outfit. That’s it. Best of luck! Keep reminding yourself that just cause he doesn’t care about the wedding, it in no way means he’s not thinking about the marriage!
Most guys *will* stand up for the things that are actually important to them even if they seem uninvolved. You just have to figure that it’s possible that the wedding details are not important to him (which means you can take heart in the fact that what’s important to him, and totally non-negotiable, is you!).
I can so relate–my husband was the same way during our planning. Eventually though there were a few things he cared about and I was happy to have his input then. Just remember that “what he really wants” sometimes doesn’t exist–there were times when I really thought he was not sharing his true opinion about something wedding related when in reality he just couldn’t be bothered to even form one!
I think we compromised by having him involved in things he does care about (like the food and music) and not asking him about stuff he doesn’t care about (like centrepieces and flowers).
Plus, he was pretty vocal about not wanting to wear a bout at all, so that made it easier.
Maybe you could show him options, like after you decide, tell him to pick between 2, if you really want him in on it? But I’ve found so far that it works best to pick your battles, if he doesn’t want to weigh in on something, just don’t sweat it, but always ask him, so that he gets the opportunity to have his say about something it turns out he does care about. Good luck!
My FH is pretty disinterested in most of the wedding planning process. He likes to see what I choose and trusts that I will make good decisions. Before each vendor appointment I ask him if he has any strong opinions or if he’d like to come with me. If he’s on the fence I ask him if he’s going to be patient and productive in the meeting. Otherwise it just easier if he stays home. He came to our church/priest meeting, all the venue appointments, the caterer, the photographer, registering at 2 out of 3 stores and his tux appointment. DJ and Cake he gave me guidelines - no bon jovi, no cream cheese icing. Flowers, my dress, our DOC - he just said what ever you want. I’m fine with that and he’s more that willing to help with other things non wedding related.
Oh this sounds sooooooo familiar! I started out running everything by my FI but finally realized it just wasn’t going to be his passion, like it is mine. So I found things that I knew would interest him - music, cake, wedding bands, registries, etc. and made sure he was front and center on those decisions. With the others, I’ve just taken the lead and given him sporadic updates (careful not to overwhelm or talk wedding deets ad nauseum). And he has been cool with everything! My mom, sister and girlfriends are always happy to help out and give opinions when I need some detailed flower talk. Everybody is happy this way.
Mr Trail Mix seems to take interest in these things only AFTER I have done all the research, figured out what I think we will both like and made it work within our budget. Then and only then, will he suddenly decide that he doesn’t like some aspect (for example, our invitations had too much white on them!) and goes all groomzilla on me…It’s SOOOO annoying!
I don’t get him involved. When I ask him 2 wedding questions within 1 day, he says: “Do we always have to talk about the wedding?”
So I totally know how you feel!
@Miss Trail Mix: I know how you feel! It’s like, ‘of course I said I didn’t care! That’s because I didn’t realize you choosing the wedding colours would affect what I would wear for a tie’ um, hello?
I understand- Mr. Hamster is totally laissez faire about some aspects of planning but has really strong opinions on some particular things! The hard thing is figuring out what those things are.
my fi helped with pretty much everything BUT flowers. so he’s not allowed to complain when all of our flowers are pink!
My future Mister sounds just like Mr.HD. It can be a little frustrating!
I found it easier to give Mr Frenchie options and let him pick from those. Ex. I really wanted Birdie Cake Toppers so I found a bunch of different options and let him choose from my top picks. It’s also good b/c if I liked all the options I gave him I wouldn’t be disappointed w/ his choice
He’s not really too involved, but he did come for the cake tasting. Shocker.
haha–yeah i can’t wait for mr. pug to get to the wedding and say that he doesn’t like anything! if that happens, we won’t be getting married.
I think sometimes you just have to simplify things for guys… show them a picture and then say, “What do you think?” I showed FH some flower arrangements, and he pointed to some green moss and said, “I like the hangy-thingys.”
So I will point out the hangy-thingys to the florist and we will have some in our arrangements!
FI has been very helpful in giving opinions when it comes to my DIY stuff. For most of the vendor meetings, he leaves it up to mom and me because he is normally working.
He did come to the meetings with the 2 photographers we considered since that was the most important thing to both of us.
I have used variations on the line “If, on the day of or the week of the wedding, or AFTER the wedding, you confess to me that you are/were really not wild about some major element of the design, food, music, clothing, anything - I will kill you.”
In a more useful manner, I tend to pick maybe one out of three vendor meetings that I feel he really ought to attend and ask him to try to make the time to come. I did the florist solo, and most of the others as well. And as Mrs. Frenchie said, it helps a lot to narrow things down to a couple of choices and present those to him for his opinions. FI definitely has opinions, he just has to see something first before he formulates it, which can be frustrating if I’ve been planning it for so long before any visible product emerges.
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Mrs. Hot Dog, Cheyenne, WY Age and Occupation: 23, Health Information Specialist Fiance's Age and Occupation: 23, Personal Trainer Engagement Date: March 2009 Wedding Date: August 2010 Venue: Family Ranch outside Glenrock, WY About Me: I'm a city girl by birth and rural girl by choice. I'm ready to take on the world with a big heart and a big smile! I love all things crafty and DIY. I live in Cheyenne, WY with Mr. HD and our 2 fur babies, our dachshunds, Ollie and Mia. I love travel, adventure, Finding Nemo, '90s music, animals, and laughing. He is the cheese to my macaroni and together we spend more time watching movies than we probably should! I'm an old soul who is super duper excited to pull off our down home-rustic-chic-country wedding (on the cheap)!
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