Weddingbee Blog

Dearest hive,

I know I haven’t written since September and for those of you who remember my posts, you are probably wondering why my lazy arse stopped writing recaps half-way through. I wanted to be honest and announce that I have decided to get a divorce. It is safe to say that this decision is absolutely for the best. When you are in a relationship where you aren’t being treated fairly for a long time, it is easy to put up your blinders and tell yourself that things will pick up and change. This past year it became absolutely clear to me that it was time to take off my blinders to make a better future for myself.

It’s hard to say if I should have seen this coming. Things were never completely stable, but a sudden spiral took place several months after the wedding, during which we attended couples therapy, which only led to more lying and deceit on his behalf. Trying to help someone who suffers from bipolar disorder and depression but refuses to acknowledge the issues at hand or attend personal counseling is not an easy task. I was an incredibly supportive wife (emotionally, financially, artistically, etc.) and realized my decision wasn’t just a matter of me simply losing patience. I had told myself that it was OK that I was the only one giving in the relationship because he needed me and I was sure he would get through this and give back when he could. I knew I could cope with the ever-changing mood swings and even the recurring tantrums—him screaming while breaking my belongings and storming out for hours after a Phillies loss, for instance—but my patience ran thin when his disorder was used as an excuse for lie after lie. Having someone lie straight to your face when you know they aren’t being honest and not even seeing a glimmer of guilt in their eye has to be one of the worst feelings ever. It was a feeling I was becoming more and more numb to over the past year, and I finally got to the point where I didn’t see a purpose in pursuing a relationship without mutual trust or respect.

I had to make the very difficult decision to put myself first and think about what was best for me.

At first I felt foolish for even considering divorce, especially after having been married for only a little over a year. No one had ever been through a divorce in my family, so I couldn’t help but feel like a disappointment (even though my family is 100% supportive and just wants me to be happy). I had to distance myself from the situation and look at our relationship from an outside perspective. I was tired of coming home from work and crying because the man I married had no interest in me or putting forth effort to maintain a healthy marriage. When I voiced my feelings week after week, he looked at me like I had two heads for being hurt by certain situations that were becoming more and more familiar—seeing his wedding band on the dresser as a sign he was “done” or realizing he was going to be sleeping in his car that night because he’d rather be freezing in a parking lot than in a warm bed with me (pfft, I am a total catch so he was missing out on some major spooning!). I realized that at some point I grew up and he stopped growing and it was apparent he wasn’t going to mold into the responsible husband role I so desperately wanted him to fill.

I can’t expect you to understand why I would want a divorce so soon, but I hope you understand that I am so much happier now. We’ve been separated for nearly 3 months and I have never felt so safe and secure. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted and when I come home from work I don’t have to tip toe around someone or feel unwelcome. I don’t regret the past seven years. It taught me so much and made me realize that I absolutely deserve to be in a loving relationship where I am treated with respect and kindness, without making up endless excuses for the other person.

As far as the divorce proceedings go, unfortunately my savings are lacking, so trying to afford an attorney on my own is becoming a challenge. The divorce is uncontested and will be a no-fault divorce, with no assets (as basic as they come). I would like to tackle the divorce “pro se”, in other words, without an attorney, but I am pretty overwhelmed with the process of making my own document and filing in Philadelphia. If anyone in the Philadelphia area wants to offer any wisdom on the process of divorce (specifically DIY-style divorce!), please don’t hesitate to contact me. I know I haven’t mentioned Mr. Candy Corn’s opinion on the matter, because I don’t want to speak for him, nor do I want to encourage any negative comments bashing Mr. Candy Corn.

It’s a bit scary coming clean to the hive since this isn’t a topic often discussed on Weddingbee, but I felt it was important to be honest since I shared so much with you all. It was easy for me to get caught up in the wedding planning end of things and push aside any problems that we were facing within our relationship to look toward a brighter future together (which ended up not existing), but I can’t change that now. I can, however, change my future and I am looking forward to what is ahead, despite all of the uncertainties. For any of you who may be questioning your decision or are in a relationship where you are being emotionally or physically abused, I am here if you need someone to talk to, just leave a comment or message me anytime. Although I wasn’t physically abused, I can safely say the emotional abuse was very harmful and can be really damaging to one’s self confidence. Having so much positivity in my life now definitely takes some getting used to, but I am finally not feeling guilty for waking up with a smile every morning.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I heart you guys and gals and still hope to post every now and then (and probably finish up my recaps for closure if you’d like to see more photos from our reception).

Lurve,
Candy Corn