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Mr. Spaniel and I both spend a lot of time on the go, and that means that we’re pretty hooked on our Google Calendars. I would have missed a lot of appointments if I didn’t have a web-based calendar that I could access just about anywhere.
As we are becoming more of a social “unit”, it’s become harder to make plans without knowing each other’s schedules. We already have a fully-shared calendar for our mutual commitments, but to further combat the problem—to make mutual appointments without waiting for a response on when the other is free—Mr. Spaniel shared his calendars with me a few days ago. We both use multiple calendars so that we can color-code them on our own accounts; he gave me full views of all of his (of course he left his work calendar more private so that I could see when he was busy, but not exactly what he was doing or who he was meeting with) and suggested I do the same.
The downside of sharing calendars: I feel even busier than ever!
I started to share my calendars, but left the details hidden—on all of them, not just my work calendars (which aren’t confidential, anyway). Of course I have nothing to hide from Mr. Spaniel, and I don’t anticipate needing to in the future. But just like we don’t share our passwords with each other, I held back. So we both thought it was a good time for a discussion about privacy in our marriage and how much we wanted to share and keep back from each other.
We ended up deciding that, for us at least, it would be healthier if we didn’t have to always answer to each other about where we would be at every hour of the day. It’s helpful for me to know that Mr. Spaniel I shouldn’t schedule a vendor appointment that he wants to go to because he’s with a client, or that we can’t do a double date on an evening when he already has plans with a friend. But I don’t need to know which friend or where they’re meeting (not that he wouldn’t tell me anyway) all the time. I suppose, since I trust him completely, it feels healthier for us to just be able to live our lives without a constant account of how time is spent. We may decide to revisit this in the future, but for now, I’m pretty happy with our arrangement. I know when he is busy (and he knows when I am busy), and more information is on a voluntary basis.
Did you and your partner discussed privacy with each other? What solution did you come up with?
I’m a big user of Google calendars myself…love it!
We are pretty open about where we are/when because we live together and spend most of our time outside of work together anyway. But I do think its helpful to have some privacy/space too - we don’t share passwords or our bank accounts (at least not now.)
I love google in general. I do agree with you that privacy is a discussion that should be had and that it shouldn’t be assumed that couples ought to share passwords, calendars and such or that they ought not to. Mr. HW and I have separate everything and a shared email/calendar as well.
I actually hid my fiance’s work calendar because it was cluttering mine up way too much! I definitely don’t care if he’s having a red team meeting at 3p, I just want to know if he’s going to be late getting home.
We just email each other or call each other to figure out who’s busy.
My boyfriend and I also share Google Calendars, and also have a “couples” calendar for things that involve both of us. It never even occurred to me to hide the details of the events though. We’re pretty open with each other.
In fact, I’ll have a smart phone as soon as Rogers offers the one I want, and then we’ll even share our location with one another - constantly! It’s more of a convenience thing than anything. We carpool to and from work so it’s nice to know if the other person is late, or needs to be picked up from another building without having to call. We always know where one another is anyway, not because we don’t trust each other, but out of respect. And if I don’t come home when I told him I would, then I want him to know where I was so he can find me if something went wrong!
@Miss Ribbons: That’s about where we are–I want to know when he’ll be home, not necessarily why he’s not there.
@amariem25: That’s exactly what we were doing before, but it wasn’t working for us because we have completely opposite schedules. He can’t answer the phone or check email when he’s in back-to-back sessions all afternoon, and I can’t organize vendor meetings for us while I’m in morning classes/frantically trying to finish my reading. 
This way I can do what I need to do while I’m free, and I have his schedule already available.
@Bon Fire: I think sharing locations in your case makes a lot of sense. 
For us, I know his work hours and he knows my school hours, so we have a pretty good idea of where each other are anyway. How lucky that you two get to carpool! We work on opposite sides of the city, at opposite times of day. 
this is an interesting issue and i like how you guys are dealing with it!
shoot- Mr P and I share google calendars without any hiding. I never really thought about it- we don’t use google for work though. Its great that you guys had a talk about it though.
More Yay for Google! And I am in total agreement with the way your dealing with privacy- it might actually drive me nuts to have to be accountable for every minute of my day, not that I’m off doing anything wrong! Luckily F Stripes and I have a pretty mellow way of coordinating our schedules!
I like your philosophy - for planning purposes, it’s definitely useful to know what time is free or booked, but I don’t need to know details of the Mister’s every single plan
I don’t use a google calendar bc I’m too computer-stupid to figure it out but I know all of Mr TM’s passwords to everything and vice versa…We pretty much share it all!
We’ve never really thought about it. I don’t use online calendars ’cause I love seeing it all on paper…I’m old school like that :-). We do have a giant calendar with both of our plans on it, but we pretty much always know where the other is.
Hmm, we pretty much share everything, passwords included. We’re still making the adjustment to shared finances, and I think it’s been helpful to our relationship, if a bit challenging at times. I think every couple is different, and talking about these issues (and coming to an agreement) is important!
By the way, the word “penumbra” just gave me a horrid flashback to 1L year.
@Mrs. Mouse: Haha yes, I love the legalese-y title of this post. Inner lawyer chuckles.
we share google calendars. i don’t hide my info. i don’t really care since it’s all personal stuff, like lunch with so and so. it helps in scheduling visits and date times since i’m the one usually out and about doing something. lol
the boy and I just synced our google calendars too
we share everything (including passwords), but we don’t have big financial sharing yet since we’re still undergrads in college…
I guess we are just not busy enough to need shared calendars but I do keep my own and just add all the FI’s stuff to it. I know even when he RSVP’s to events of Facebook he still forgets about the event all together not just the time but that it exists at all!
I think it’s interesting that I am on the “less is more” side of the spectrum when it comes to sharing our whereabouts/passwords, and the opposite when it comes to our finances. I had an ex who wanted to share email passwords, which I reluctantly did, but I found out he was reading my emails and it threw me firmly into the “private is private” camp. I sort of always saw our financial decisions as a joint venture, but my newsletters and social plans as my business only. It’s enlightening to me to see that many of you view calendars and bank accounts as similarly situated. I guess this is my own quirk!
@Mrs. Mouse: @Miss Jellyfish: Con Law was my worst class. This is the only thing I learned from it.
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Mrs. Spaniel, Los Angeles Age and Occupation: 28, Law Student Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Psychologist Wedding Date: March 2010 Venue: Calamigos Ranch About Me: I'm a third-year law student trying to balance graduating with starting my career, keeping up a relationship, and, oh yeah, planning an Old World, multi-cultural, "mountain lodge" wedding for 180 guests! A South Asian Jewish girl getting ready to marry my handsome Catholic Dane, I'm hoping to blend our cultures in our wedding just a bit more gently than by providing samosas as appetizers and offering æbleskiver for dessert. (Although that would also be awesome.)
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