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When we originally started to plan, we wanted to invite everyone who had been an important part of our lives and our families’ lives. Our guest list was enormous. As time went by, we started setting up our priorities. We both want the wedding to be about the joining of two families. We felt a more intimate wedding would allow us to really enjoy the special moments with our closest family and friends.
In the beginning we stressed about hurting peoples’ feelings and didn’t want to leave anyone out. But if we invited more people, it would mean less time with those who are the most important to us. Our guest list began at over 350 people. We ended up getting it down to about 200 people. That is not what some would call intimate, but when you come from a large family and Christmas includes about 100 people, this is quite a cozy wedding in my eyes.
Michael Sparks Keegan photography
These are my guidelines for my friends and family. Mr. Starfish’s situation is different. He recently moved up here and works long hours, so he doesn’t have the luxury of seeing his best friends as often as I do. We only got to visit his home a couple times this year. When we went we wanted to spend as much time with his family as we could, so visits with friends weren’t as often as he’d like. He has made some great friends up in the New England area, but it isn’t the same as his friends from home. So, our rules are a bit different.
Here are some of the issues with having rules:
The hard part is the friends in-between. If I only see them 2 or 3 times a year, in a social setting, should they be invited? There are a few girls from college I hang out with, but we never hang out alone. We don’t call each other. I like them, but when it comes to cutting time, should I keep them over someone else that I am closer too, but don’t see as often?
Dates are hard, too. I was once interrogated by a bride on my love for Mr. Starfish. We had been dating for about two years and we were planning on living together before the bride’s wedding. She pulled me aside at a party and was asking whether or not I loved him (at this point he had given me a promise ring and basically announced, he would eventually propose). I thought it was clear we were in love and I didn’t understand why she was so interested in our relationship. Then someone pulled me aside and explained the wedding guest list was being put together.
Mr. Starfish and I at a cousin’s wedding, this past summer
I don’t want to have to judge people’s relationships. It makes me uncomfortable. Who am I to say how in love you are at any point in your relationship? Some people fall hard and fast, while others take time. Everyone is different and I don’t want to assume or ask anything.
I find this very frustrating. Did you have to come up with any rules for the guest list? How do you decide who gets a date? If you have been dating for X amount of months/years, you get a guest? Is there any good way to cut down the list, without hurting or offending people?
I keep reminding myself of a certain rhyme: “No ring? Can’t bring!” Is it a little cut-throat? Well… yeah. But it was necessary for our budget and our sanity. There are some exceptions (like the bridal party), but it’s a nice way to explain it to people when they ask.
i am definitely curious how other people do dates!
like, we have a few mutual friends who are like so:
friend 1 - long term gf who we’re also friends with
friend 2- fiance
friend 3 - gf who we’re friends with
friend 4 - no s.o.
but we all hang out together as a group so if we invite them and friend 4 is the odd man out, wouldn’t that be awkward?
gah! decisions!
I’ll say it: we ranked people by distance from us. Parents/siblings = 1, Uncles/Aunts/Cousins = 2, parents’ cousins and cousins’ kids = 3. Then our friends were 1, our parents’ friends were 2, parents’ friends’ kids (seriously) were 3. Ones and twos were invited, threes and above weren’t.
There was one single instance where I was kind of bummed not to invite a “3 or above,” but I knew that (a) they’d understand and (b) opening that Pandora’s box would be a mistake. By having hard guidelines like this, when the MOG announced she wanted to invite her cousin’s daughter and her kids (not even 3’s! a 4 and two 5’s!), I had hard facts to back me up when I put my foot down: “we can’t just invite them, we’d have to invite the entire tier they fit into, which is X additional people at $$$ additional expense.”
We did invite +1s, knowing in advance who would bring ‘em–NONE of our single friends are dating anyone, so we had two cousins’ SOs there, that’s it. And in those cases, they were people we knew well enough to invite by name anyway. But yeah, I’ve read enough wedding blogs to know we were extraordinarily lucky in that case.
Here is my dilemia I have met the bestman once and when we sent him the STD (note we are in a different country) he asked if he can bring his girlfriend. Well I am like I guess if she wants to pay around $900 on a plane ticket plus lodging and food for a week but neither me or my Fi have met her.
If they are married or engaged or a member of the wedding party they get a plus 1. If they won’t have any other friends there they get a plus 1. If they’re part of a group of friends that are being invited and aren’t married or engaged, they don’t get a plus 1. That’s our tentative plan.
We are only doing plus-ones for people of our generation if they are engaged, married, or living together. The exception to that is the wedding party. I also have a friend doing a reading who wants to bring his girlfriend, and I would love to let him, but I need to consider how that might impact the rest of the non-bridesmaid/groomsman wedding party members. Otherwise, there are some of our parents friends who are single and wouldn’t know anybody or are divorced, so we’re giving them plus-ones as a courtesy.
For us, all of our friends are friends, so we don’t feel that anyone needs the social buffer of a +1, except for 2 sinlge people from our parents generations. They get the highly coveted “and guest” on their invites. For everyone else - if they’re engaged, living together, been dating for > 1 year (with a little wiggle room), or we’re friends with both of them, then they get to bring their (specified) +1.
I know what you mean about judging other people’s relationships - and I actually think the bride who cornered you and quizzed you on your feelings was super tacky! I mean, I get that wedding planning makes you crazy, but what did she expect you to say? “After two years, nah, I don’t love him. We’re just too lazy to break up!” Honestly. But it helps to think of it not as judging the merits of their relationships, but just how socially intertwined they are. I mean, even if you know after a month that you’re going to marry the person you’re with, you don’t expect the whole world to automatically know, too, and to treat you accordingly, right?
Ugh, the guest list - one of the most stress-inducing parts of planning!!
I am inviting guests only for people whom I know to have one. If I don’t know about it, then we’re not close enough for you to bring them. 
So far the only thing Matteo and I have managed to do is create three different lists. The first one is the “maximum” which means the people we’d invite if we had unlimited amount of money. The second is “medium” and the third is “minimum”. Our wedding isn’t until Fall 2011 so we’re holding off for a bit before we make finalizations because friendships change and people move.
But depending on how much money we have set aside for the catering when we get to that point, will depend on which of the three lists we choose. 
I’m having a destination wedding so I invited EVERY SINGLE PERSON I could… knowing over 2/3 of them wouldn’t be able to come and pretty much already told us so.
To me it was a gesture more than anything. Both sides of my family (his and mine, mothers and fathers sides) rarely talk except for holidays and birthdays. Only because were scattered across the country… so my wedding list was not difficult to come up with.
we had a really hard time with our guest list too. my fiance’s family is very large and we have a lot of friends. plus, he has a ton of friends from home. It came to a point where he was pretty much inviting everyone he had ever talkd too and it was difficult on our budget. we finally just began cutting people. We’re inviting everyone with a date if they are over 18. i am just not a fan of inviting some people with dates and others not. a friend of mine did that and it was awkward. because youre right, my fiance and I were pretty serious after only 6 or 7 months - so putting a lenght of relationship minimum on someone isnt necessarily fair. plus i want our guests to feel comfortable and not left out if they were alone, but a bunch of others had dates.
Hahaha, I created all these rules about inviting sig. o.s, etc and then failed at every single one…So even though my original rule was if they weren’t dating when we got engaged, the gf or bf is not invited to the wedding, pretty much everyone who has a sig. o. will get their gf or bf invited to the wedding…Ooooops!
Guest list issues are so stressful. I wish there was a way to know who was and was not going to come before you even sent the invitations!!
it’s definitely a tough issue. we really limited our guest list, but even then, there were still questions on who to invite or not until the end.
No dates - we want to keep the wedding to family and close friends. There were some friends that fit more of the aquaintance route that we see a handful of times, so no invite there.
If we allowed dates, that would easily add potentially 20-30+ folks and greatly increase our size and budget. I think most folks will realize that unlike a regular party or gathering, this is something more special and intimate that you just don’t bring anyone.
We are allowing folks to bring their bf/gf, but only if they have been dating when we got engaged and there’s potential. This really just applies to one friend who goes through gf like someone goes through seasonal clothing. Most all our friends and family are married; the bigger question revolved around kids and except for specific family members, we couldn’t accommodate our all friends’ kids, so no invites there either.
We had similar troubles with our guest list. We started at over 300 and are painstakingly trying to get our number down to at least 250. We limited to only 1st cousins of our parents and no plus one’s unless we knew they were in a long term relationship/engaged/living together….and the S.O. will be specified on the invite, to avoid any extra bodies we don’t know in case they are dating someone new by the time the wedding rolls around.
How do you make it clear that only family 18 and up is invitied? I have LOTS of cousins, but I really only want an adults only wedding…
My thoughts on the plus one thing is everyone over the age of 25 should get a plus one, regardless of relationship status. Under 25, only if they’re living together or engaged.
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Mrs. Starfish, Boston/Newport Age and Occupation: 25, Operations Assistant Fiance's Age and Occupation: 25, Sales Engagement Date: October 8, 2008 Wedding Date: October 2010 Venue: The Atlantic Beach Club About Me: I'm a perfectionist who is a planner at heart. I don't do well with surprises. I love planning, crafting, Newport RI, family and friends, and most importantly, Mr. Starfish---all of which will be big components in our October wedding in our favorite little city by the sea.
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