Weddingbee Blog

This past weekend, Mr. Pudding and I visited the priest from our parish in order to take the FOCCUS test. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the Catholic getting-to-the-altar process, FOCCUS stands for “Facilitating Open Couple Communication and Study”. The purpose of the test is to pinpoint the areas of life where you and your partner might experience conflicts.

Now, I would like to preface this by saying that I was expecting a scary, right and wrong test. A test that would ask uncomfortable questions about our sex life, our devotion to the faith, and our desire to procreate. A test very much like one of the many Hollywood portrayals of said practice:

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When Mr. Pudding and I began taking the test, we were both a little worried. We were separated and handed a Scantron sheet, and some number two pencils. GULP.

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We shouldn’t have worried, though. The test was actually very straightforward, and the questions asked were very thought provoking. They were questions that all couples should consider and talk through before making a life long commitment to each other. Off the top of my head, here are some examples:

• I am concerned that our different upbringings will cause us to disagree on financial matters
• We have discussed the role each one of us will play in the maintenance of our home
• I feel that my partner doesn’t listen to what I am saying when we argue

Each question had to be answered with “agree”, “disagree”, or “undecided”. I found this slightly irritating, since I don’t really believe in absolutes. A lot of the questions were difficult to answer in such restrictive terms.

Mr. P and I were both pleasantly surprised by the fact that the test clearly tried to discourage the idea of marriage as being an easy formula for a happy life. Questions like these were really refreshing:

• I believe that our marriage will be a happy one, as long as we love each other
• We decided to get married because our parents were unhappy with our cohabitation
• I need to be married in order to be truly happy
• My partner’s inability to have children would be a deal breaker for me

There were also some sex questions, but none of the “you’re-going-to-hell” variety:

• The idea of being naked in front of my partner is terrifying to me
• I am concerned that I will be required to perform sexual acts that make me uncomfortable
• I believe that my partner’s sexual needs are similar to mine

And, to dispel any rumors of Catholic priests refusing to marry couples who live together before marriage (which is, technically, our situation) or couples with children, there was a series of questions on the test that targeted this demographic.

All in all, the test was a positive experience. We have yet to get our results, as the tests get sent off for grading. I will let you know how we do, but our priest assured us that there was no such thing as “failing”. That’s not to say that there weren’t any “deal breaker” questions on the test. For Mr. P and I, these included:

• I am worried about my personal safety when my partner gets angry
• I am concerned about my partner’s gambling habits
• My partner’s consumption of alcohol and/or drugs is a cause of many problems for us.

The test really made us think about our relationship, and we spent a couple of hours discussing our answers. We did discover that under the “how many months have you been courting” question Mr. P did the math and put 90, while I ballparked and wrote 50. That’s a pretty big difference. I hope that the Catholic Church doesn’t hold my lack of math skills against me.

Did any of you take the FOCCUS test? What was your experience?

P.S. For those of you who have yet to take the test, our priest did mention that the FOCCUS test is on its way out, and that a revamped test will be introduced at some point this year.