The Great Last Name Debate

The Great Last Name Debate

March 19th, 2010 @ 10:54 am by Mrs. Jellyfish
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The other day our travel agent emailed Mr. Jelly to ask him what name to book my tickets under for our honeymoon. She wanted to know whether I’d be keeping my maiden name or taking his, or hyphenating. This is a question I’ve been thinking about for months, and I’ve had very mixed feelings about. In fact, this has been one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make.

The Great Last Name Debate : wedding legal pleasanton Name Change name-change

I’m really attached to my last name. It’s short, unusual, and often-mispronounced, but I love it. I’ve never met anyone with the same last name (except on Facebook, but that doesn’t count). It’s recognizably Romanian (at least to other Romanians) and I love that I get to carry a bit of my culture with me in my name.

Mr. Jelly’s last name, on the other hand, is very American. Or British. Either way, it’s quite WASP-y.

I guess I had always assumed I’d take my future husband’s last name but throughout the engagement I’ve had doubts about whether I want to. I mean, I’ve had my last name for 26 years, why would I change it? Also, it would obscure my cultural heritage to have a WASP-y name. On the other hand, I do like the idea of having a unified family name. I like the solidarity and traditional aspect of it. I’m also a hopeless romantic. At the same time, it bugs me that society says the woman should give up her name and take on her husband’s, while he doesn’t have to change anything. That just doesn’t seem fair to me. So, what other options are there?

Let me preface this by saying that I’m very lucky to have such an understanding fiance. Even though Mr. Jelly would love for me to take his name, he fully supports whatever I decide to do. With that said, here are my options:

MyFirst MyLast HisLast (the “Jennifer Love Hewitt”): This has been the top contender so far. I would take my last name as my middle name (since I don’t have a middle name to begin with) and take his last name. I generally like this option, but I fear that no one would actually call me by my middle name. I would insist on it (a la Jennifer Love Hewitt), but I think it would bug me if people left it out.

MyFirst MyLast (the “status quo”): This would be an easy option. I think the downside of this would be that we wouldn’t share a family name. Then again, if my kids’ friends called me Mrs. HisLastName, I wouldn’t correct them. But professionally and legally, I’d keep my name.

MyFirst MyLast-HisLast (the “hyphenated”): This is an appealing option because unlike the Jennifer Love Hewitt, it would ensure that I would be called by both names. However, I hear that it’s a huge pain to have a hyphenated name and that computers mess it up all the time. And it would be 14 letters long. Additionally, we’re not sure whether we’d hyphenate our kids’ names, so it could mean that I’d have a different name than the rest of the family. though not toooo different.

So, those are the three options I am most considering. As of now, I’m leaning towards the Jennifer Love Hewitt or the hyphenated. What did you decide to do? How did you reach that decision?

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76 Responses to “The Great Last Name Debate”

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Guest

kwebs

I like the Jennifer Love Hewitt in theory, although it’s true that lots of people would leave it off. But for me, my middle name is my mom’s and grandmother’s name, my last name is obviously my dad’s last night, so if I got rid of my middle name and changed that to my last name, I’m still losing a family name… I’ll probably just change the last name and be done with it.

3/19/10 @ 11:05 am (reply)

Member

LiteraryBride (message) 10 posts, Newbee

I’m keeping my last name, but like you, I’m not going to correct anyone who might not realize this and peg his last name onto me instead. I do regret not having the unifying name, but I know there will be other things that unify us.

If he had a last name that actually went with my last name, I would potentially consider the “Jennifer Love Hewitt” though… Considering his last name is 11 letters on its own though… and kind of combination is pretty clunky.

3/19/10 @ 11:09 am (reply)

Member

cabanagrl9 (message) 466 posts, Helper bee

I am siding with the Jennifer Love Hewitt option!

3/19/10 @ 11:09 am (reply)

Member

MissDoodles (message) 206 posts, Helper bee

He already has a hyphenated name because his parents never married. I really like my last name and face the same issue you do about cultural identity. Our plan as of right now is for me to hyphenate with his 2nd last name, that way we both end with the same name. Then our kids will just use the second last name. Sounds a bit confusing, but makes sense to us

3/19/10 @ 11:09 am (reply)

Member

alivoo01 (message) 2,622 posts, Sugar bee

More and more girls are considering keeping their maiden names. Traditionally, great, but now days, is it really THAT important? I’m undecided as well and am debating between the same two options you are! Let us know what you ultimately go with!

3/19/10 @ 11:10 am (reply)

Member

Ms. Library (message) 1,250 posts, Bumble bee

I’m kind of doing the Jennifer Love Hewitt. I’m keeping all of my current names and adding his last name onto the end. My current last name will become more of a middle initial when I am teaching, but it’s still there. I’m also considering adding an exclamation point onto the end for some added pizazz!

3/19/10 @ 11:12 am (reply)

Guest

With this ring...

After much consideration and time spent on the subject, I decided to change my last name to his. I come from a country where this is not the norm, which made it all that much harder but I am a hopeless romantic and would love to be called Mr and Mrs. Hewitt I believe it will help me in transitioning from my single self to being married and think it will help us in feeling as “one” family when we have kids.

3/19/10 @ 11:13 am (reply)

Member

Arachna (message) 1,267 posts, Bumble bee

I think I might be the only person out there that really loves the idea that when people talk about us they will have to say “and”. The very sound of Mr.X and Ms. Y makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. I like how it acknowledges that there are two people involved! I think “the smiths” is often overused, you know? I think having different names highlights that we’ve chosen to get married. It’s not “a family” of some kind or another with one name - it’s two people who have married.

But I think most people like the idea of a unified name. Do what makes you happy and comfortable! And you can always change it or change it back later if you want to!

Though if you hyphenate he could also hyphenate so that everyone really does have the same name.

3/19/10 @ 11:15 am (reply)

Member

mrspaetz (message) 3,805 posts, Honey bee

My husband loves that I kept my name. I use his last name when signing up for random stuff (grocery store memberships etc) but professionally and legally i’ll still go by my own last name.

We do agree, however, that if we ever have children (not planning on any), i will change my last name so that we’re all the same.

3/19/10 @ 11:16 am (reply)

10.

Member

flurrsprite (message) 134 posts, Blushing bee

i’m still trying to decide this myself. i swore when i was little that i would never change my name (my initials are “m.n.m.”… love it) especially since i was the oldest in a generation of girls and wanted to continue our family name… but i know the boy would absolutely love it if i changed to his name. plus, his name is actually pretty awesome.

so the jennifer love hewitt idea is a top contender, except i actually still rather like my name so i could also go with the 4 names version and just add his last to the end of mine, thus becoming a “myfirst hislast”, but still keeping my original name intact. i’ve never been a fan of hyphens, and ours would be ridiculous anyway.

i also had issues with the whole “why does the girl always have to change her name??” but then it was pointed out to my that my last night is still my dad’s last name, so either way i go i’ll have a man’s name haha! i guess the only clear solution for that would be for a newlywed couple to pick their own last name? but in this case, it makes me feel a bit better about taking the boy’s name… after all, people will still end up calling me by mrs. hislast anyway, why make it all the more confusing for our future children?

so difficult!

3/19/10 @ 11:17 am (reply)

11.

Member

Amani (message) 792 posts, Busy bee

I’m either going the Jennifer Love Hewitt route or not changing my name at all. I’m leaning towards changing my last name to my middle, b/c I want to have the same last name as my kids. FI doesn’t care if I change my name but really wants the kids to have his name, and I don’t want to hyphenate.

3/19/10 @ 11:18 am (reply)

12.

Member

Ms. Purple (message) 527 posts, Busy bee

I plan on either keeping my last name or hypenating. My last name is part of my cultural identity and I can’t imagine not having it. I like the Love Hewitt, but i also know it would bother me when people would drop the middle name and just call me by Hewitt.

3/19/10 @ 11:18 am (reply)

13.

Member

Entangled (message) 2,616 posts, Sugar bee

For me, this is a really, really easy decision, which I guess makes me lucky since it seems like for some people it’s a really tough one. I am super attached to my last name and wouldn’t even consider marrying someone who wanted me to change it. I also don’t want kids, so on the off chance the guy convinces me, the kids getting my name is one of the conditions he’ll have to accept. But that’s me and my last name is far more awesome than usual (plus close family ties, etc, etc).

That said, if you want to have the same last name, I do think the middle name option sounds good especially as you don’t already have one BUT it does tend to get dropped a lot. It’s hard to make sure that people go by it, and it sounds like that’s important to you. I wonder if there’s ways to make sure that you get called by the full three names… like use it on your email, your family’s return address labels, etc.

3/19/10 @ 11:19 am (reply)

14.

Guest

Allyn

This is also an easy decision for me. I love, love, love my last name. I would also never marry someone who would expect me to change my last name. My mother never changed her name when she married my dad, so I grew up with a mom with a different last name than I, and I promise you, NO ONE CARES! So it has convinced me even more that I won’t change my last name.

I have a very ethnic, easily recognized Serbian last name and my FH has a very dull, often overused American last name. So, to keep my professional stance, I have to keep my last name. In fact, my FH loves me so much, he’s changing his last name to mine. Perhaps you should suggest that.

3/19/10 @ 11:23 am (reply)

15.

Guest

Sarah

We have a women’s college as a client where I work. There are a TON of “Jennifer Love Hewitt’s” there. I think they have all established that that is their name and no less. When I think of them its with all 3.

I personally am changing mine to MyFirst Middle MyLast HisLast. I can’t get rid of my middle or last, I just like them too much.

3/19/10 @ 11:23 am (reply)

16.

Member

whitehydrangea (message) 72 posts, Worker bee

I’ve been having this internal debate since before we got engaged! I’m leaning toward a hyphenated name. I thought about the JLH, but my middle name is also a family name and there’s not way I want to drop it. So I considered adding his name to my name, like Ms. Library, but I worried that would be too confusing and that no one would actually use my last name, or wouldn’t be able to tell if it’s a second middle name or last name. So, I think I am going with hyphenated. I’m worried about the practicality, especially since I’m a teacher, and our families’ reactions, but I feel that it’s the best option for me (and FH is supportive of whatever I do). My last name is very, very common so I also worry that no one else will understand my attachment to it or why I’d want to keep it in any form. But in my eyes, no matter how many other people have it, it’s still MY name, and that’s enough of an attachment for me!

3/19/10 @ 11:28 am (reply)

17.

Member

HisButtercup (message) 155 posts, Blushing bee

Wow, it looks like I’m one of the only ones that’s taking his name and getting rid of mine completely. I like my last name okay; it’s kind of rare, while his is really, really common, but my mom kept her maiden name, and it caused all sorts of uncomfortable situations when I was a kid, so IMO it’s just easier to change it.

3/19/10 @ 11:29 am (reply)

18.

Member

farmersdaughter (message) 1,656 posts, Bumble bee

I like the Jennifer Love Hewitt option. Thats what my Mom did, and she really likes it. She also added her maiden name as part of my middle name too. (So my name is FirstName MiddleName Mom’sMaidenName DadsLastName.)

Its been super annoying to have such a long name - I usually drop her maiden name when people ask my full name because its such a mouthful, but its a big pain on official legal documents because there’s never enough space! However, it meant a lot to my mom to have her maiden name incorporated.

I love my last name, but have decided to take my husband’s name. In weighing it all out, it was ultimately most important to me to have our nuclear family (my hubby, me, and our kids) to share the same last name. So my new name will be FirstName MiddleName FiancesLastName.

3/19/10 @ 11:29 am (reply)

19.

Member

kayakgirl73 (message) 2,124 posts, Buzzing bee

I have four names. MyFirst, My Middle, My Last, His Last. It’s only on my bank account and driver’s license. I usually legally use First, MI, HisLast. I’m called a name that is my first and a Part that comes from my middle, so I didn’t want to drop my middle. It’s a pain. I wish I had a simple solution, but I didn’t want to drop my middle or my old last completely.

3/19/10 @ 11:30 am (reply)

20.

Member

Keeshond (message) 5 posts, Newbee

Oh the time I have spent agonizing about this too!!
Although I am not a MD or PhD, I have worked hard on my education and my career, and have seriously considered hyphenating. I briefly talked to my FH about it, and he was rather perplexed as to why I would “buck tradition”. Although I’m certain he would support me in the decision I would make, I certainly know his preference. So I decided to talk to my gal pals who are married or are getting married.

My older brother is getting married, and I talked to my FSIL about what she is doing, and she is doing the Jennifer Love Hewitt option because she really doesn’t like her given middle name.

I spoke to a friend I commute with who went with the hyphenated option and she did it (with extreme support from her husband of 9 years) because of her education, career, and that she is a published author.

I looked at examples from my own family - an aunt who is divorced, but still kept her married name, my mother, my FMIL, and generations of others…

Ultimately, one thing kept on coming up in our discussions… children. The idea of having different names than children ended up being a major reason that people chose to change their name, or regret not. Having the same family name helps to create a sense of family identity.

So, I’ve decided to change my last name after we are married.

I’m certainly realize that not everyone is in the same situation, and that being a family and creating a sense of family is much more than just a name. For my situation, and the questions I’ve asked myself and others, changing my name is an important thing for me, my FH and our future family.

3/19/10 @ 11:31 am (reply)

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