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My mom’s not the most practical woman in the world, but she does make sense every now and then.
One day after I got engaged, mom kindly offered to pay for my wedding dress. I think she might have seen too many David’s Bridal sales touting the elusive, perfect $300 gown, so she seemed a bit shell-shocked when I noted my dress (a sample, for a price I haggled for at Rin’s Bridal in San Carlos) came out to a little more than she thought. Three times as much as she thought, in fact.
I made a point to say I was equally comfortable with her paying for all of it, some of it, or none of it, but she still looked understandably perplexed. She observed that I could have gotten one a lot cheaper, and that I’d only wear it once, anyway, after all. I was a little huffy at first, then decided, well, she’s pretty spot-on. I am only going to wear it once, then whenever I feel like sitting around the house in it. (Seriously, I might just bust it out to wear every now and then while I’m watching TV.) I’ll probably get it cleaned. I will love the photos, and I will love me wearing it. But then, I’ll put it away in the closet, or sell it on Craigslist if I can bring myself to do so.
Has anyone else found themselves in a similar position? A thrifty sort myself, I laugh sometimes thinking about how much I’ve been willing to shell out for Big Day.
So, maybe more than anything, mom caught me in a moment of self-consciousness. It’s one thing when all your peers understand weddings in the same context and price points that you do, but sometimes it takes one comment from an outsider to make you think about your priorities (all of them), and whether they’re priorities in the first place. “If everything is a priority, then nothing is,” is an old saying I think about daily, these days.
Like with anything else, my Libra desire for equilibrium comes into play. A wise man named Bender (OK, he’s a cartoon robot from Futurama) once said to a bartender: “I’ll have your largest, strongest, cheapest drink.” An excellent sentiment, which basically encompasses my thoughts on Big Day.
Has anyone outside of your “wedding circle” made a comment about weddings that made you step back and think? What was it?
My FMIL couldn’t figure out why I’d want to spend almost our entire budget on just the ceremony venue (we couldn’t afford to do the reception there, too) and finally I thought about it and realised that nobody would care where the wedding was, they were there for us, not a pretty hotel. So we switched to doing the entire wedding at a local church for free instead.
I had a similar experience with my dress-buying. After looking at beautiful gowns and becoming used the sticker attached to them, I was a little butt-hurt when my mom (who paid for my dress) asked why I was willing to pay so much for a dress that I’d only wear for one day when I hate shelling out for shoes, even!
Isn’t eery how mom’s are able to read what’s deep in the back of our mind, even when we can’t??? 
Great Bender quote! He’s basically a philosopher. My one rule with the dress was that it couldn’t cost more than my first car. My car cost $500. My rationale: I can’t drive it, it doesn’t play music, and it has no cup holders. But I do love your sitting-around-in-the-house- in-it idea! That’ll give it some extra mileage!
I set a $500 dress budget and came in well below it. I was of your mom’s opinion: I can’t bring myself to spend thousands on a single outfit that I’ll wear for a few hours on one day (not counting those TV nights at home). I spent $32 on a veil, under $30 on shoes, and am still considering several hair ornaments in the $50-100 range. Add up my thrifty selections plus gown alterations and this will still be hands-down the most expensive outfit I’ve ever worn … but at least I won’t have heart palpitations when I get my credit card bill.
For most things wedding-related, I’ve had to accept that usual money spending rules simply don’t apply. I’ve never considered dropping $10k on a party, for example, but that’s what we’re doing here. I don’t skimp on the important things (festive flowers, a gorgeous meal, a fun DJ) but I keep trying to ask, “Do I really need to spend $__ on ___?!” The answer is often no.
HAHA Love the Bender quote–my FI and I love that show…excited that it’s coming back!
I was the one who actually had the same mentality as your mom—and I paid $330 (including tax) for my dress. 
So did you find one that wasn’t the x3 price?
When I started going nuts on the flowers, my Mom said, very simply, “you know, they’re dead right?”
@Miss Hot Dog: It’s almost like when kids tell you exactly what they’re thinking, without filters. It always leaves you flabbergasted and then you think: oh. right.
@Curlysue: I actually went for this one It was perfect and I’ve already paid it off (poof, like it never happened, yeah right ;), I just need to get it altered (it’s a sample) and cleaned.
GO BENDER!
@Miss Lace: HAHAHAHA. Your mom is hilarious.
We’ve definitely skimped on some things, though that word makes it seem like it won’t be as much fun, heh. We’re having a buffet dinner and an laptop/iPod/friend “DJ,” and our officiant is a friend, too. The beer and wine only bar was a biggie that’s already bummed a few people out, but there’s no reason the kids can’t spike their own punch, right?
Has anyone else had the situation where people are telling you all the things you shouldn’t skimp on, but then…their list ends up being the entire list of things you need?!
haha I love Bender. My parents are shelling out money for my big day, but my dad thinks it’s all for the reception (.e. fancy food which he wants) he doesn’t realize that there are sooo many other things to tak into account.
FI’s parents think we’re crazy for spending so much money.
Thanks for quoting Bender…you just made my day! Yes, my mom says stuff like this all the time. My parents are paying for more than I had expected but less that I hoped for (about 1/3 of our total budget). She’s very practical and I’m, well, more of a dreamer She’s definitely not your traditional MOB. Occasionally these comments get to me, but I’ve been able to find a good balance most of the time. I’m taking my bmaids dress shopping…my mom is not coming. But then when it was time for an engagement party, my mom found all these great things to decorate with at consignment shops and made DIY cupcake toppers! It’s just hard remembering that not everyone in my wedding is on the same page as I am!
YES! When we first got engaged, an acquaintance congratulated us and said “Remember, you should spend the money on your marriage not your wedding”… and really, amidst our crazy wedding planning we always go back to that quote and I think it helps to keep us grounded
@juliaelizabeth3: I hear ya. I certainly have far different sensibilities than my mom does, so that’s part of her disbelief. I don’t think she’s ever thrown a party, save for my childhood birthdays, so this whole “event” thing is very, very new to her. And to my dad for that matter! He asked if the wedding was “informal” (despite understanding that the venue was not) because we were having a friend officiate. D’oh.
I’m getting that from EVERY direction.
My fiance is totally aghast at the amount they charge for weddings. The fact that they jack up the rates on things for weddings makes him even more upset at paying that amount and less willing to pay it. His step-brother solved this problem by telling people it wasn’t a wedding until day-of, but I’m not sure I could get people to believe that (or that I can deal with angry vendors).
My mom’s first question about wedding dresses - do you want it to be something you’ll wear again? Though I’m seriously considering a shorter wedding dress, so maybe it will be something I wear again… or a bridesmaid dress in white so I can save some $$$ on it.
I’m still in shock at how quickly everything is adding up for the wedding even though I’ve gotten some fantastic deals (dress for $200, real flowers (and centerpieces) for $380, venue fee waived, etc). My parents are being really great and covering most of the reception costs while FI and I are covering everything else (rings, honeymoon, rehearsal, etc). When I reminded my FI that weddings are also a great time to get family together and ask, ‘when was the last time your family was in the same place,’ he seems to be ok with everything again. The hard part for us has been doing all the financing in 6 months rather than being able to spread expenses out over a year.
oh the wise bender. love him.
i’m usually the “outsider” giving opinions. lol as most of my friends have already gotten married. i’ve been educated in a sense, as i went through each of their weddings but it’s helped all of us, my questioning helped refocus their priorities and their issues helped me find ways to work around them when i experience them.
It was actually quite the opposite with my mom. I was willing to bargain shop for a deal and this comment from her that helped me seal the deal…
“You can always buy a lower priced dress, but you have expensive taste. Any dress you settle for isn’t going to be the one for you.”
I love my dress… and yes- every few months I put it back on! I didn’t spend a whole lot, but she was right, so I budged.
I thought, talked and shopped just like your mom. The first time. And I never was crazy about the dress. So then one month to the date of our wedding, I went to a sample sale at a bridal salon. I ended up with a dress that was twice as expensive as the first (which came from DB, by the way) but felt absolutely amazing as soon as I tried it on. So all my practicality went out the window. And this coming Saturday (one week from tomorrow!), I will walk down the aisle feeling uber confident, sexy and excited to be a bride. You can’t put a price tag on that!!
Paying for my dress definitely hurt. But I love it and I can’t wait to wear it again. I’ve already let my FH know I plan on pulling it out every anniversary!
@Farfromachildbride - I am totally with you. I love a good bargain, but when I found THE dress, there was no way that the price was going to stop me! It’s true that it’s just worn for one day, but my justification is that I never splurge on my clothes, so why not treat myself just this one time?
Miss Taco: let me echo everyone else and say LOVE that Bender B. Rodriguez quote! Also, good for you for taking your mom’s comment and using it to rethink your priorities. I am much more inclined to turn other people’s comments into self-doubt, rather than thoughtful reflection (you can’t use silk flowers! you MUST have a photographer when you’re having your makeup done! it’s not a wedding without a salmon entree! and on, and on). But I think I’m going to try to adopt your approach from now on, and use each comment as a reminder of our priorities. Thanks for sharing!
Great post, Taco! My mom does the same thing, and as annoying as it can be, she’s usually right. I’ve found that talking about weddings with friends who don’t know anything about them can be totally refreshing! It really helps me to stay grounded and not stray from my priorities.
Good point. I had the opposite reaction — people (including my parents) reeling in shock at how we insisted on being practical and seeing wedding items for what they really were. E.g.: Veil = a piece of tulle. NOT worth $500 IMO. And it paid off. I paid $6 for my cathedral length veil, and scored other awesome deals because we thought out of the box.
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Mrs. Taco, San Francisco Age and Occupation: 29, writer/editor Fiance's Age and Occupation: 37, editor Engagement Date: May 13, 2009 Wedding Date: August 2010 Venue: The Green Room at the War Memorial Veterans Building About Me: I like laughing and talking with good friends over good food and good drink, be it wine, cocktail, or brew. I write and edit things for fun and profit, but I rarely "write" these days without a keyboard and high-speed internets. Favorites include Mr. Taco, my Boston terrier, San Francisco, getting out of town, and the Roaring ’20s. I was kind-of planning a wedding since roughly 2006, when I discovered "Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?" on the WE channel. I ran and didn't look back with a theme I called "urban vintage," and it culminated in the most magical day a taco could ask for.
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