Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater (?)

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater (?)

March 22nd, 2010 @ 3:27 pm by Mrs. Pudding
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I don’t know about you, but the recent scandal surrounding the marriage of Sandra Bullock and Jesse James has really saddened me. Doesn’t it seem like more and more Hollywood men are cheating on their beautiful, talented, and intelligent wives with women that are less than worthy of their attentions? I mean, has it even been a month since we listened to Tiger Woods publicly apologize for a string of affairs? Before that, we had Reese and Ryan (how perfect were they?). And who can forget Halle Berry and Eric Benet? I mean, why in the world would anyone want to cheat on Halle Berry!?

Still, the Sandra Bullock/Jesse James scandal seems to be particularly vile, simply because this is a time when Sandra should be celebrating all of her success, and not going through such heartbreak.

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This recent media outburst has really got me thinking about infidelity. According to some statistics, 30-60% of all marriages will go through some type of infidelity in the course of their relationship. That number seems mighty high to me.

Of course, this makes me think about what I would do if faced with this situation. Mr. Pudding and I have discussed this in the past, and our opinions on the topic are very different. Mr. Pudding has said that infidelity is a deal breaker for him. I, however, think a little differently. At this point, without having experienced infidelity first hand (and hoping that I never will), I feel that I would probably pull a Hillary in this instance.

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Here is my reasoning: Mr. Pudding (my partner) is not a cheater. He is a very loyal and honest man. I am not at all concerned about him ever being unfaithful to me. So, if by some instance of bad luck, infidelity does become an issue in our relationship, I will put my trust in the fact that this was a once in a life time mistake that will never be repeated. I think that I would be able to forgive. Once.

Now, if I was married to a man for whom infidelity was a well known issue, I would probably treat the matter differently. For example, did you know that, according to their prenup, Catherine Zeta Jones will be awarded 5 million dollars in a divorce settlement if Michael Douglas cheats? If I was marrying a man with a past like Michael’s, I’d probably take similar (if slightly less extreme) measures.

(source)

So, I’m curious: Are you in the “forgive him” or “forget him” camp? Is infidelity a deal breaker for you?

Tags: relationships, vermont |

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75 Responses to “Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater (?)”

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Member

commoshin (message) 180 posts, Blushing bee

I too have discussed this with my mister. While infidelity is no laughing matter and, we both agree, an understandable cause for divorce, we would both go the “Hillary” route. It would be so painful and one of us would be so hurt, but we’re in it to win it so we’d try our best to get past it. =( Thinking about this is sad, but it’s a harsh reality that many (too many) relationships undergo the pains of cheating.

3/22/10 @ 3:34 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Rainbow (message) 1,535 posts, Bumble bee

I’m in the “forget him” camp. Infidelity is a total deal breaker for me. Cheating is a choice, and it’s not hard to say no.

3/22/10 @ 3:34 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Lace (message) 702 posts, Busy bee

I feel the same as Miss Rainbow. However, I wonder if I’d be that strong in the situation?!

3/22/10 @ 3:37 pm (reply)

Member

missvintage (message) 571 posts, Busy bee

total deal breaker. He is in the forgive her camp.

3/22/10 @ 3:37 pm (reply)

Member

missvintage (message) 571 posts, Busy bee

sorry, to clarify: I am in the forget him/deal breaker camp. He is in the forgive her/ more understanding camp.

Interesting.

3/22/10 @ 3:38 pm (reply)

Member

pec1216 (message) 644 posts, Busy bee

I echo Miss Rainbows thoughts! I couldn’t be with a man who knowingly slept with someone else while we together…I just couldn’t do it.

3/22/10 @ 3:39 pm (reply)

Member

bree72 (message) 2,086 posts, Buzzing bee

For me it really depends on the situation. In a Tiger Woods scenario, I’d be outta there! But I’d try my best to work through it if it were a one-time thing. He’d probably say it was over if I cheated, but I really think he’d stick around to work things out, too.

3/22/10 @ 3:41 pm (reply)

Member

Twista (message) 804 posts, Busy bee

We just had this discussion yesterday, as a matter of fact. My opinion is that a one time deal might not necessarily be a total deal breaker and I may be able to find it in my heart to forgive (but never forget). Any more than once (and that means any more than one woman or any more than one time with one woman), then it’s a deal breaker.

3/22/10 @ 3:41 pm (reply)

Member

Twista (message) 804 posts, Busy bee

Oh, and I should probably clarify, cheating starts with kissing. So one kiss might be forgiven. Anything more definitely would not.

3/22/10 @ 3:42 pm (reply)

10.

Bee

Miss Socks (message) 1,323 posts, Bumble bee

We’ve talked about this as well, and I think we’re both on the same page. Though we feel that it will not happen, we think it would be very difficult to walk away. Of course, it depends on the circumstance and if it is a multiple times thing, but we both have said we’d find it much more difficult to leave the other if it was a stupid, meaningless thing.

Though it makes me furious to think about it ever happening!!

3/22/10 @ 3:43 pm (reply)

11.

Member

lilyfaith (message) 5,478 posts, Bee Keeper

I don’t think most people truly know how they’d react until they’re in the particular situation. So many people are quick to say they’d leave in a heartbeat, but I think marriage is much more complicated than that. I’m honestly not sure what I’d do, and though I hope we never have to face that particular set of circumstances.

The Sandra Bullock thing made me really sad, too. She seemed so happy and at peace with their relationship before this came out.

3/22/10 @ 3:45 pm (reply)

12.

Member

tea (message) 7,288 posts, Bee Keeper

i’m in the “forget him” camp [and have told the mister so as well] but i wonder what i would do if i actually came across that unfortunate situation. sometimes things change when you find yourself no longer dealing with an issue in a hypothetical sense but in the real sense.

3/22/10 @ 3:45 pm (reply)

13.

Bee

Miss Snapdragon (message) 717 posts, Busy bee

I don’t believe in the “once a cheater/always a cheater” saying, but I DO think it so severely scars the existing relationship that full recovery can be super-difficult to impossible. For me, it’s not something I am able to recover from. There’s a road people travel down that ends in infidelity, so the biggest thing is to stay vigilant and honest, and to never go on “autopilot” when it comes to your relationship. Infidelity is such a wide issue, with so many different kinds of roots - I think it’s a case by case thing!

3/22/10 @ 3:45 pm (reply)

14.

Member

gabrielleelise1981 (message) 2,110 posts, Buzzing bee

I think it would depend on the circumstances of the infidelity – for me personally, an emotional affair where I thought he was in love with her would be much worse than a single instance of physical infidelity (though that would hurt terribly, of course). R has made it clear that for him, any form of cheating is a total deal-breaker. Cheating isn’t an automatic deal-breaker for me (depending on circumstances of what went on), but it certainly would take a lot of work to repair our relationship.

3/22/10 @ 3:45 pm (reply)

15.

Member

Brianalaura (message) 1,482 posts, Bumble bee

I think this depends on what ‘level’ of cheating it is. I was in a couple of relationships where there was slight emotional, ‘internet cheating’ etc. and I stayed. If it was full-blown sexual cheating there is absolutely no way I’d stay. I hold too hard a grudge, the trust would be gone!

3/22/10 @ 3:47 pm (reply)

16.

Member

gionnetto (message) 553 posts, Busy bee

You asked “I mean, why in the world would anyone want to cheat on Halle Berry!?”

Because you know, people aren’t just bodies… hers is perfect but what about her character? I mean, she might be as annoying as any other human being (ugly or not!).

I’m on neither camp… I am for understanding what part *I* played in being cheated on and then decide.

3/22/10 @ 3:50 pm (reply)

17.

Member

LittlestBirds (message) 2,605 posts, Sugar bee

FI and I disagree about this as well, which is one of many reasons why it’s fortunate that neither of us could imagine cheating on the other, ever. If he were to ever experience a one-time transgression, I actually wouldn’t even want to know about it. As you said, I have enough trust in his character to have faith that if he did something he deeply regretted, he’d take the steps necessary to ensure that it never happened again. I think that telling me about it would serve only to ease his guilt and in turn would put me through a world of torment. I’d feel the same way if I were the one to do the cheating: it would be my burden alone to work through the guilt, and prevent myself from ever dong such a thing again. Repeat problems on the other hand are completely unforgivable, and I have no room anywhere in my life for people who are willing to cheat on their significant others if they only feel they can get away with it.

Again though, I’m incredibly lucky to be with a guy who couldn’t even conceive of looking at another woman. No jealousy in our relationship!

3/22/10 @ 3:50 pm (reply)

18.

Member

redherring (message) 1,969 posts, Buzzing bee

Long ago, when I was young (and an idiot), I am ashamed to admit that I was the cheater. I’ve also been the cheatee (look as I make up words!), as has my fiance. (In my fiance’s case, the woman in question cheated on him with one of his fraternity brothers who happened to have the same first name. Charming.)
Given all that, we both are in the “forget him/her” camp. We both very clearly understand how devastating cheating can be. And really, if your relationship is so broken that you’re considering breaking your marital vows, you really need to either fix your marriage or end it. “It just happened” is never an acceptable excuse.

3/22/10 @ 3:50 pm (reply)

19.

Bee

Mrs. Cheese (message) 801 posts, Busy bee

I was once a cheater. And a liar. And a pathetic excuse for a Cheese. Having lived through the aftermath (although it wasn’t actually the cheating that broke up my first marriage), I will never cheat again.

I will walk out before I cheat.

So I believe that reformed cheaters — truly reformed and repentant cheaters — are among the most loyal of creatures, if only because they know how bad it is for themselves to go down that path. [See how I even proved that arrogant reformed cheaters can be trusted?]

I feel the same way about reformed liars. I don’t lie, not about little things, because I know the personal price I’ll pay later.

But to be reformed means to be able to say, “I was a cheater and it was wrong”… and believe it, and own up to it, and understand you can be a person who cheats (and therefore a person who doesn’t cheat).

Or maybe that’s just me.

3/22/10 @ 3:51 pm (reply)

20.

Member

moderndaisy (message) 6,607 posts, Bee Keeper

I think every case of infidelity is different and should never be responded to in a ‘blanket’ way. Yes, there are ways to prevent it, but if it does happen to us I would definitely want to try to work on things before walking away. I also think Mr. Moderndaisy is a good, honest trustworthy man whose heart and soul is ‘in it to win it’ as far as our marriage, so if anything ever did happen my first thought would probably be that it is fixable. We are going through this discussion in premarital counseling right now so I have given it a lot of thought.

3/22/10 @ 3:51 pm (reply)

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