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And maybe it’s time to get a little bit personal.
I think I need some help remembering that my wedding was a happy occasion.
Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’m happy I got married. I’m happy about the life I have with Mr. DD. And I’m pretty happy about the wedding itself too–about how things went, about how we got to catch up with people we never get to see, about how my niece and nephew got to meet their great-grandparents for the first time, about how awesome it felt to say my wedding vows in front of our friends and family.
But I’m really unhappy about how several people acted during the wedding. Actually, unhappy is an understatement. We still haven’t quite figured out what to say to them. And, yes, you’re correct—our wedding was six months ago.
I guess what I really feel is sad and insecure and self-conscious.
Who stops talking to people over a wedding?? Apparently the answer is Mr. DD and me. I don’t even know how to explain how awful that makes me feel. I keep thinking that someone somewhere is going to tell me what a horrible person I am, but I’m really not sure what else to do. We tried so hard to be sane about our wedding, to take other people’s feelings into consideration, to not take everything too personally. But what do you do about people who were so unhappy at your wedding that they didn’t ever let you forget it and tried to make you unhappy, too? What would you even say to them? What if they were people who you thought you were close to, who you thought cared about you, who you’ve known for a very long time? What if you weren’t really sure they even liked you very much after everything that happened? What if you were just completely blindsided by how they behaved?
I’d really like to know the answer to those questions. Because I’ve been wrestling with them ever since the wedding. I’ve been thinking about all the other ways that we could have gotten married and of the things I could have done or said differently. I’ve been trying to rewrite history in my head.
But I don’t want to forget that my wedding was a happy occasion—for me, for Mr. DD, for most of the people who were celebrating with us. I don’t want to forget that I liked our wedding. I don’t want to forget that our wedding really wasn’t about those unhappy people at all. It was about the beginning of my marriage to Mr. DD, a marriage that makes both of us happy every day.
Maybe writing this post will help me move on.
So, tell me, how do you go about remembering the good things about your wedding and forgetting the bad? Does anyone have any tips to share?
I don’t know either but I’d really like to know so I can talk to my grandmother again. I’m still mad at her.
Welcome back Mrs DD. Good first step, sorry about the unhappy people! They’re not worth the stress.
I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling this way for so long. I’ll share a little bit that has helped me get past the idea of never having a relationship with my father again… life is too short.
2 years ago, my 13 year old nephew was diagnosed with a stage 4 brain tumor, and I watched him go through multiple surgeries, radiation, and chemotherapy - which was too much for his poor young body, and it finally gave up on him. He was the sweetest kid ever, he’d run up to you and give you a hug and say hi. That experience changed me forever, and made me realize you cannot make someone a priority if you are only an option to them, and to move on… nothing is worth living everyday upset - nothing, because you just never know…
I hope that helps you find some peace…
I’m sorry about them. I don’t know what happened, and my wedding is in July, but I am afraid of this too.
We had a mini fight over a Catholic ceremony. I’m sure I will hear some “snobby gossip” from relatives about our lesbian episcopal officiant (who is a *wonderful* soul).
My Aunt already snobbily complained to my mother about how I forgot an “r” in their last name. Then my mom got all defensive and upset. I told her I was lucky that I only messed up one name out of 100. Apparantly it was a big deal, and now they are not coming to the wedding. That’s ok though, because I’d rather have my cousin (aunt’s daughter) show up, and if she comes my aunt wouldn’t go anyway since they are not on terms.
I can only guess what else will happen before July. But I keep reminding myself that it is alot like my teaching job - I can’t take the insults personally. They make me uncomfortable, and I want to please everyone else, but I have to learn to let it roll off my back and get along with what makes me happy.
It sucks that people can’t see the forest for the trees.
I’m so sorry your big day wasn’t exactly as you imagined it, and that people somehow put a damper on things! I’m really hoping you are able to work through it and remember all the happy aspects, since I’ve been looking forward to your recaps ever since you wrote that you loved the BBC in Menlo Park! 
Welcome back. I honestly don’t know how to answer, as I still tend to dwell on stupid little things and not major issues like yours. I’m trying to make myself remember the good things, like marrying my hubby,seeing people, fun, dancing and good food and to try to forget the lousy weather, the forgotten details, the missed photo ops etc. I have to remember that my wedding was real life and not a magazine spread.
I honestly feel like you were writing my story. At my wedding in November my aunt apparently felt like she wasn’t catered to enough and left my wedding reception after dinner…she didn’t come to the brunch the next day and when my parents called her hotel on Monday she’d driven home to NY (I’m from Chicago)…they were supposed to be in town through that next Wed.
My parents didn’t tell me about it til’ after I got back from the honeymoon but I could tell my mom was really sad and upset and just watned to forget the whole thing and remedy her relationship w/ her sister. She’d tried to call and write to no avail.
I emailed her about a month ago to see if she’d consider getting back in touch w/ my mom and I received the most appalling email back about how she felt like a “misbehaving b-list guest” and that she’d put so much time and energy into the wedding and no one was paying attn. to her needs.
I felt the same way as you that I’d been so careful to think about others’ feelings that I was incredibly offended that she was basically saying I had been thoughtless…
Sometimes people can’t see past their own selves…
I”m so sorry you went through this. Hopefully we’ll have more happy memories than sad ones.
My FI has the admirable quality of being able to shrug off people who are bogus to him/us, so I’d suggest channeling that and remembering what’s really important. Easier said than done, but it’ll get better.
Look at the photos from the wedding, watch the video, go out to eat, or just veg in front of the TV. People who haven’t provided the same level of respect for you (wedding day or not) don’t deserve your thoughts and your worries in return.
Mrs DD,
the real question that I feel you just have to ask to yourself is, why do you care so much about the opinion they have (or have not) of your and your choices.
You are an adult woman, who took some choices, expecting people to be adults and behave. They didn’t. Understandably, you are still mad about it, and that’s fine.
But why on Earth are you trying to “forget the bad and remember the good”? In so doing, you are setting yourself up for another disappointment… because those persons, in 3, 5, 7 years will still be the same persons… that means that they will ruin something else if you let them take part in it UNLESS they are regretful and apologize for their ways. What will the spoil next? The anniversary party? The baby shower? The wedding of some common friend or relative?
So the real question is, why are you willing to put up with more hurt? Is it just because you don’t want to “look” or “sound” *bad*?
Because if that’s the reason you need to do some soul searching… and I’m not judging you for that, only warning you about what’s coming next if you don’t change your behavior.
Remember the only people we can change are ourselves…
A major hug!!!
Oh DD I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I think we tend to forget that weddings are HUGELY important life events. This does not translate into “the best day of your life” but certainly “really important transition moment.” Weddings, throughout history, have certainly not been all sunshine and roses. They have broken families, friendships, countries, religions, everything. You married the love of your life. You are starting a new life with him. The wedding was a day to mark this change. Maybe it would help to think about it this way instead of a day that has to be picture perfect where there was no stress and everyone was smiling. That is not life, and that is not weddings.
Welcome back! I am glad that you have a good and strong relationship, no matter that other people tried to get in the way.
The people in my family that have caused issues in the past weren’t invited to my wedding. And I didn’t have any problem with that, after the drama my sister went through a year before. If they don’t want to be a part of my life, that is their issue, not mine. My life is going to be great either way. My husband’s own mother didn’t come to the wedding, didn’t send a card, wouldn’t return his calls. Frankly, if I met her on the street, I would give her a swift kick to the rear. Or really, I would really like to…but yeah. It was easy to put my and my husband’s family out of my mind, since they weren’t there to put a damper on things, but some of the bitterness remains.
Can’t wait to see your recaps as much as that may matter to you.
Welcome back, DewDrop. We have a couple of wedding guests that are absolutely acting abysmally right now, and are considering uninviting (as impolite as that seems) because they are just acting so wreched.
I would love to hear about your experience if you want to talk about it.
Sorry you’re having a rough time with this. How about this idea: why don’t you take the photos of the moments you loved about the wedding — the photos in which the naysayers don’t make an appearance — and make an album? then make a special night of viewing the album together, so that you have a new memory of the wedding that’s romantic, personal, and edited?
I am really really sorry something like this has caused so much turmoil! It would bother me too I am sure, I tend to let too much bother me at times when I wish I had the ability to let it roll off my back. I can’t believe some of the previous posters stories either! Seems like there are a lot of people who make everything about themselves and cannot take a step back and realize they are not always the center of attention. Shame on them! They will be miserable people in the long run, if they are not already
Hi Mrs. Dew Drop,
I can totally relate to what you have said here but… I’m not even married yet (May 2010) but sometimes i’m Not Even Looking Forward To It because of how some of my family members are acting. It’s gotten to the point where I’m not speaking with some of my family members. 
I hope this works for you, because I try to focus on how much I love my man, I can’t wait to be married to him, and 95-99% of the people there will be so excited and happy to be a part of this. This event is not about the one or two people that choose to be unpleasant and disagreeable, but us as a couple.
That’s so sad to hear. =(
Start by flipping through your gorgeous wedding photos, ask your closest friends and family what their favorite parts were, and keep your chin up!
I wouldn’t give these so-called friends the satisfaction of ruining your wedding for you. If that was truly their ultimate goal, I wouldn’t want to let them know they’ve succeeded.
I had the same thing happen to me. My husband and I had 6 people in our wedding party (3 bridesmaids, 3 groomsmen) and we are no longer talking to 3 of those people, partly because of how they acted before/during/and slightly after our wedding. I honestly chalk it up to jealousy. Right after the wedding we bought our first house and went on a fabulous trip and these 3 people had nothing going on in their lives so they just sat around and talked smack about us.
It’s sad, but we’ve moved on. I decided I didn’t have time in my life for people that were only content when they were being nasty.
That stinks. I’ll repeat what my bridesmaid told me on my wedding day when it actually looked as if my mom would die if she smiled (though she was actually very happy for us). She said, “What ever is keeping your mother from showing her joy on her only daughter’s wedding day doesn’t matter, that’s a her problem and not a you problem. Just remember today is not about her, it’s about you and Greg.”
So whatever caused these people to be unhappy on your wedding day, that was a them problem and not a you problem.
Welcome back!
To start with, you are not alone! I’m not sure what it is with people who think that acting this way it ok, but I think they need a good whomp upside the head. But, since that usually isn’t possible…. I really dont know if it can get more cliche than this, but its whats been working for me… “its their loss”. We had some drama with my MIL at the reception!!! Fortunately, it was pretty quiet and didn’t upset any other guests, and I didn’t even learn about it until the next day, but it still stung like all get out. It literally still makes my blood boil and I keep reminding myself of those amazing moments of the ceremony and the hilarity and all around good time of the reception (and then i think “HA! you missed out on that dingbat!” just to satisfy my still ticked off side). Thats all I’ve got, but I can tell you that approaching the one year mark, it stings a lot less than it did 6 months ago.
Mrs DD, I so sorry to hear certain ppl put such a dark cloud over your wedding. I think the question you need to ask yourself is ‘why do I need these ppl in my life?’ What they did and how they felt is their problem. You did what you could and it sounds like you were over accommodating. You’re fine Focus on the good parts and when they enter in your thoughts, try to remember that it was THEIR problem. I know it is easier said than done. I am a total people pleaser but over time I’ve had to learn that you can’t please everyone, you can just do your best
Sorry for my rambling… ((((BIG BEE HUG))))
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Miss Dew Drop, San Francisco Age and Occupation: 31, Attorney Fiance's Age and Occupation: 35, Managerial Type at an Internet Company Engagement Date: December 12, 2008 Wedding Date: September 2009 Venue: Ralston Hall Mansion About Me: I'm a food-and-baking-obsessed, occasionally sword wielding Bay Area native who is quickly becoming overwhelmed with planning a wedding and opening a law practice at the same time. (Brilliant move, that one.) I love reading, online shopping, ice cream, my Macbook, Bollywood movies, hoodies, the UCLA Bruins, and of course, Mr. Dew Drop.
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