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This RSVP thing has been wonderful and terrible all at the same time. I’ve opened quite a few that I thought were going to be definite nos (and marked appropriately in my spreadsheet), only to find out that these people I assumed would not be joining us to celebrate, are coming after all. Woo hoo! But then, the reverse has been true as well. People I automatically assumed would come; the people I couldn’t imagine not making it to the wedding, are not coming. What?
While others are still using that RSVP as a coaster (I assume) because I haven’t heard one way or another from them.
So, how do I deal with the people that RSVP no that I thought would be there to celebrate with us?
I get sad, mad, cry, am shocked, and then tell myself to move on. But before I move on, I categorize the nos. There’s the I totally understand why you can’t come group, and the wow, I can’t believe you aren’t coming and I don’t get it group. Some of them wrote a note and I definitely understand why they can’t make it. I’m sad they won’t be there, but I get it.
It’s the others that chose to say nothing, have not called, emailed, or even texted to explain why they can’t make it that I don’t get it. Maybe they’re embarrassed and don’t want to talk to me? I’m not sure. But, I will say that it’s hard to move on from those that have said nothing. I’m really sad that these people (family members) won’t be there.
Were you disappointed by people who you definitely thought were going to be there but didn’t make it to your wedding? How did you deal with it and move on?
“others are still using that RSVP as a coaster (I assume) because I haven’t heard one way or another from them.”
HA!
We just sent out ours and so far only got back one decline out of 15 - it was a little disappointing, but what can you do? I am hoping that we won’t get a lot of nos because our wedding is already on the smaller side. Not sure why folks don’t send them in right away; it’s not as if we didn’t send out save-the-dates, are they waiting for something better to come along?
We are dealing with this right now too - our groomsman might not be coming (!).
His wife is definitely not coming after all, which is sad enough - due to cost (they live in Australia).
It’s very understandable, but we were a big part of their wedding (my FI was the best man) and were looking forward to having them be part of ours.
Even when it is understandable, it still really sucks. I hear you.
This is EXACTLY what I’ve been told to expect - some surprising acceptances and even more surprising regrets. I definitely understand your upset. At the end of the day, it’s truly about the people who are there to celebrate with you.
I moved away from my home town and a lot of my friends are still there. Ihave RSVPd no to a lot of weddings since then. The cost (plane ticket, hotel, transportation, time off work, etc) is just too much to justify attending. I never felt that I had to justify myself to these brides or explain why I chose to save money or time so I’m not surprised that people said no and left it at that.
I have one cousin who is not coming because her due date is 4 days before our wedding, so in turn, her parents might not come either. I have another cousin who’s wife is having surgery a couple weeks before the ceremony. So she won’t be coming, and if she can’t operate on her own.. that cousin won’t come either.
I went thru my list last night. I have about 15 people that just flat out won’t be coming, but I have about 50 people that I have classified as “maybe’s”… that’s a huge swing of people!!!
I just found out like, 5 mins ago that a good friend from college isn’t coming…I understand why, she’s doing a program in Africa for the year, but she had said when she left she was definitely coming, so it was still disappointing to find out she’s not…Le boo 
While I can understand the disappointment, I’m not sure why anyone would feel the need to write out an explanation for why they cannot attend on an RSVP.
I think it’s sort of the same reason that you go out on a date with someone and they say “I’ll call you” and then they never do. The decent thing to do is call and say “I don’t think we’re a good match and we shouldn’t go out again” but most people just take the wussy, non-confrontational way out because it’s sort of uncomfortable to reject someone. I think that’s more why you haven’t heard from people. I would try not to take it personally- even though that’s really hard to do.
I’ll probably be going through the same emotions in a few weeks!
Last week I found out that my aunt, uncle and cousins who I don’t get to see very often but wish I could see everyday and who I thought wouldn’t miss this wedding for the world are not coming. At first I thought it was maybe a financial thing and was going to offer a place to stay, but then my aunt wrote me a note and explained that my wedding happened to fall on the weekend that she has five things that can’t be changed including a play she is producing for her school as the drama teacher and the graduation of the confirmation class she has been teaching for two years. Even though it is a really good reason, it still makes me sad. But we are trying to see them when we are in LA for half a day before we fly out on our honeymoon. Fingers crossed!
Oh and my brother might not be coming. But I am refusing to accept that.
we haven’t had a lot of RSVP’s come in yet (they’re trickling) but one that came back as a “no” was very surprising. His aunt, who’s at every family gathering isn’t coming. Her daughters and their SO’s are but she isn’t. We haven’t found out why yet - but it’s just weird…
This is going to sound terrible, but I’m really nervous that we over-invited, so some of the unexpected no’s that I’m hearing about, while I’m sad, also come as a bit of a relief. However, I haven’t had anybody that I’m totally counting on say no yet, so I’m not sure how I’ll feel.
This is going to sound totally awful, but your post has given me hope–I NEED some unexpected no’s. We invited a lot more than we really hoped would come, because everyone is coming from out of town (literally), and we assumed that meant that fewer would be able to make it, so we were safe inviting a few more to make the parents happy. WRONG! So many people we were told weren’t coming have said yes! So while I imagine my feelings will be hurt if someone I’m counting on decides they can’t make it….a secret part of me is relieved with every no….I know. I suck.
I’m guilty of not sending back an RSVP!!!!!! on more than one occasion. And when I do send it back it’s usually late. This is not what i strive for,and I don’t want my friends to hate me just because I’m too lazy to put a card in the mail.
But from a guests perspective, if I’m going, you’ll know, If I’m an out-of-town guest and didn’t respond, I’m probably not going to make it. I know i should still send the card, but it’s just one of those things that are so easy, it gets set aside to do once I’m “for sure”
It’s hard not to have all of your favorite people there for you on your wedding. I’m sure they are deeply regretting it too!!! but sometimes there is just too much going on, and there’s not a whole lot anybody can do without letting somebody down.
Just be happy you are getting people responding with them and their 3 kids under 10 years old…though the invite was for an evening wedding and very cleary labled..Mr. and Mrs. So and so…no “and family” in site. There weren’t even lines available on the RSVP…they’re writing their kids names in the margins!!!
Who does that????
I always like to write a little note on the RSVP…something like “can’t wait” if I’m going or a quick “so sorry I can’t make it.” Or even “have a beautiful day” if I’m marking no….I just think it’s a nice thing to do.
Early on, I found out that one of MY BEST FRIENDS couldn’t make our wedding date, but it seemed like everyone else could, so I chocked it up to no matter what date I chose there would be someone important who couldn’t make it. I would talk to them and find out why they can’t make it. They aren’t going to call you because it’s an awkward conversation they don’t want to have.
@ZB: Yeah, I think it’s fine if they aren’t people that are VERY close to me not to write anything, but when you are one of my favorite people, it’s just weird that you wouldn’t want to say something. Especially when I’ve been communicating with you and saying I can’t wait to see you at the wedding. It’s just weird.
@farmersdaughter, @mrsmdphd: I totally understand! The first few we got back were all yeses and I was stressing big time that we over invited, but it’s all evened out.
I completely understand how you are feeling. We are having the same issue. There are quite a few family members on both of our sides who are not coming. While some of them have given good reasons and we completely understand, it still bums us out. Then there are those who haven’t said anything. That annoys me because all they have to do is reply in an email if they lost the card! and then there are those who chose not to come for reasons that make no sense to us. I’ll be honest here, I can’t move on from those. I’m mad at those few and it will probably take me some time to get over it. So i’m with you on this Fro yo!
One tip: My fiance always tells me that the people who are coming are the ones that care the most about us and it’s those people who have chosen not to attend that will miss out! Not us 
I try to think of that all the time, and it truly does help!
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Mrs. Frozen Yogurt, Dallas Age and Occupation: 28, Special Projects Coordinator Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Equity Trader Engagement Date: March 19, 2009 Wedding Date: April 2010 Venue: Marie Gabrielle, Dallas About Me: I was born and raised in Texas, and have lived in several of the cities across the state, but I currently reside in Austin. I went to college in Boston and have a special place in my heart for the Northeast. I love reading, shopping, wine, reuniting with college friends that are scattered across the country, reality TV, trying out new recipes, and attempting all the DIY projects that come along with wedding planning. I'm a "bleeding heart, save the world type" and thankfully my job allows me to work on legislation and policy to help out those in need. I met Mr. Frozen Yogurt in a bar, though he doesn't even drink! And now we are planning a modern yet vintage wedding in Dallas while dealing with the trials and tribulations of first time homeownership.
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