Dual-Career Partnerships in the Academy

Dual-Career Partnerships in the Academy

March 30th, 2010 @ 2:06 pm by Mrs. Hot Wings
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Disclaimer: The stats in the statistics regarding marriage and divorce are not accurate. I looked it up here and here. The info on Ph.D. are sadly pretty close to accurate in my opinion.

Anyone ready PhD Comics? It usually makes me feel better about my sad life as a grad student that never seems to come to an end.

Anyways, this comic reminded me of the difficulty and rewards of being in a relationship with another academic. And seriously, there are crazy rewards AND crazy difficulties.

Mr. Hot Wings and I are finishing up our Ph.Ds in psychology this semester. This means we’ve been on the job market as well.

Consider this: There are only a couple universities/colleges in any given city. Each university only has one psychology department. Each psychology department only has between 1-5 faculty members in each sub-discipline. If the department happens to be hiring, it will likely be for 1 person. So if you’re following along, what are the chances that Mr. Hot Wings and I are actually going to get jobs in the same city? Chances are slim… real slim.

We had to seriously consider the possibility that we would get married this August, honeymoon, and then leave for our respective cities to start our new jobs. For most people this probably sounds crazy. For the fellow academic, this is an unfortunate reality. In our department alone, there are 7 couples (4 married couples) who are in long distance relationships. And yes, it can work. There are many very healthy relationships out there. They have different issues to deal with that are unique to their situation, but the academic schedule does allow for some flexibility to make this type of relationship work.

So as wonderful as it has been to have a partner who understands my world, my work, and my career ambitions, it has also been a difficult reality to swallow. I am happy to report that I am one of the lucky ones. I went on the market in these bad economic times, and I got a job! Even better than that, they were able to offer Mr. Hot Wings a temporary position. I was really afraid he would be too proud and ambitious to take the offer (even just as a backup so we could be together). But he has decided to come. Pending another great offer for him, we will be together for our first year of marriage!

I gotta tell you though, I had many a sleepless night thinking about the possibility of crying all the way through our wedding day at the thought of having to move to different cities afterward. I found a lot of advice and solace in the forums on The Chronicles of Higher Education here. There are also a number of articles that really helped us think about the job search and other issues that dual career academic couples should consider here, here, and here.

Are you an academic couple or in a long distance relationship? How are you coping?

Tags: relationships, san diego |

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40 Responses to “Dual-Career Partnerships in the Academy”

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Bee

Miss Hamster (message) 4,046 posts, Honey bee

Oh wow, I could see how this would be tough! I’m glad it will work out for your first year together as a married couple though!

3/30/10 @ 2:11 pm (reply)

Member

Ms. Library (message) 1,251 posts, Bumble bee

We’re in both of those categories. I am teaching middle school in Maine and Mr. Library is finishing up grad school in Boston. We haven’t lived in the same state for the past six years. It helps to have numerous phone calls and a huge sense of humor about life.

3/30/10 @ 2:12 pm (reply)

Member

LovestheBear (message) 1,250 posts, Bumble bee

I’m so happy you guys will be together! We’ve been long distance for 3 years plus another year until the wedding. I’m debating a major career change bc that would probably keep us apart again in the future, so yeah, I know where you’re coming from.

3/30/10 @ 2:15 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Frozen Yogurt (message) 2,685 posts, Sugar bee

So hard. I know lots of couples that did this, especially for their postdoc years. It’s good that you’ve found some forums to help you through this.

3/30/10 @ 2:16 pm (reply)

Member

LeandraM (message) 20 posts, Newbee

Miss Hot Wings,

First of all, I’m so happy for you for landing a job. And–especially in this economic climate–it’s awesome that Mr. Hot Wings got offered a temporary job as well. That says a lot for your (and his) qualifications and accomplishments. I can only hope to be so lucky!

Secondly, I am in a similar position, but neither my guy nor I are in the applying-for-jobs stage quite yet. Like you, we are both PhD. students in the same field. It’s beyond wonderful to be with someone who is interested in the same things and also understands the often frustrating academic world. Still, it’s SO HARD to think about the [relatively bleak] future. Like you said, chances are so slim that we will be offered jobs at the same school/city/even region, and yet, like you, we have chosen to go on in our relationship despite this bleak future.

Thank you so much for sharing the links and articles in this entry. It’s something I think about a lot, and it’s nice to hear from others that are facing this situation as well.

Good luck!

3/30/10 @ 2:21 pm (reply)

Member

laural (message) 529 posts, Busy bee

Well FI is getting his masters and I am getting my DVM and we are separated by about 4000 miles and have been so for about 2 years and will be this way for another 2 years. And sometimes it is hard and sometimes it is absolutely unbearable. Today is an unbearable day. Today I had one of those moments where I checked out how much it would cost to fly him here for less than 48 hours just so we could see each other. And for a moment $1100 sounded reasonable despite student loans despite saving for the wedding and all of life’s regular bills. For us doing long distance after the wedding is not an option. We are so over doing long distance.

3/30/10 @ 2:23 pm (reply)

Member

alvina (message) 807 posts, Busy bee

HAHA LOVE the comic. And I occasional PhDcomic. :] I’m marrying a PhD-er and we’ve been long distance for our entire engagement. But at least I decided not to sell my soul (haha jk jk) so I’ll be able to move to him until he finishes (so.long.gah.) haha.

So glad to hear you guys get to be together your first year. I think it’d be terrible to be apart right after you get married! And I think it helps to remember that life (marriage, love, relationships, etc) are what make us happy, and not academics, degrees, prestige, etc. (Though I understand it is you career choice!) Your husband is for life… in a more important way than getting tenure

3/30/10 @ 2:24 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Trail Mix (message) 6,329 posts, Bee Keeper

We’re totally in that situation! I’ve been offered an amazing opportunity to be the head of the department at my school but Mr TM is finishing up school and looking for a job in real estate in the worst market ever!! It’s a very real possibility that we’ll be apart for our first year of marriage and it’s breaking my heart a little bit…

3/30/10 @ 2:26 pm (reply)

Member

realeastcoaster (message) 1,245 posts, Bumble bee

I’m not in a LDR, but I read PhDcomics too - they got me through some dark days…and I have one posted in my office now that I used to have posted in the lab at grad school, as a reminder. It still makes me smile.

3/30/10 @ 2:28 pm (reply)

10.

Member

SabrinaR424 (message) 266 posts, Helper bee

Wow, that would be a tough pill to swallow. I’m glad you two at least have the first year worked out, and here’s hoping for more same-city goodness to follow!

3/30/10 @ 2:30 pm (reply)

11.

Member

ebs1123 (message) 355 posts, Helper bee

Congratulations on the job! I completely understand your situation - I’m in a history program facing the same dire job market. Luckily, my FI isn’t in academia, but I know many, many couples in your boat. I’m SO happy for you!

3/30/10 @ 2:32 pm (reply)

12.

Member

GreatDay (message) 46 posts, Newbee

I love PhD comics… Jorge Cham is so spot-on in describing PhD life. Having a long-distance marriage in academia is so commonplace now and it’s really sad Thanks for blogging about this issue and I’m wishing you the best

3/30/10 @ 2:34 pm (reply)

13.

Bee

Miss Guinea Pig (message) 1,377 posts, Bumble bee

Love PhD comics, and completely relate! There are quite a few people in my lab who have long distance marriages because of academia. Luckily for me, Mr. GP has a semi-portable job so he can move to most major cities I would apply for a post-doc in anyway! I’m so glad you and Mr. Hot Wings get to be together for your first year, and HUGE congratulations on landing a job!

3/30/10 @ 2:39 pm (reply)

14.

Member

gill84 (message) 725 posts, Busy bee

As a fellow academic student (in psychology too, no less!) and a fellow PhD comic reader - thank you for this post!

Luckily my partner is not in academia, as it has been hard enough as is for him to make sacrifices to live where I am for school, and later for the reality that we will have to go wherever I get a job, not wherever our families and friends are or wherever seems awesome to live.

So glad it’s working out for you for you so far though, and fingers crossed for the future!

3/30/10 @ 2:45 pm (reply)

15.

Member

historienne (message) 372 posts, Helper bee

Congratulations times a million. That is a great outcome. I’m lucky that my partner left academia after his PhD, but we did the long distance thing for four years while in our PhD programs. It is not fun but it can work, for a limited time.

3/30/10 @ 2:46 pm (reply)

16.

Member

luckyduckluk (message) 127 posts, Blushing bee

I love PhD comics! Been following them since the days of undergrad. Heard they were in town (Vancouver) a few years back but sadly I missed them

3/30/10 @ 3:01 pm (reply)

17.

Member

Pedsgirl06 (message) 67 posts, Worker bee

My FSIL and her husband are both Spanish literature professors - talk about difficult to find jobs near each other! They lucked out and both found positions at a small college in Texas. They are pretty much stuck there for life, though, unless one of them changes their focus. Hopefully psych won’t be as hard as that. Good luck to you both!!

3/30/10 @ 3:01 pm (reply)

18.

Member

KKW (message) 34 posts, Newbee

Congratulations on finding a job. That’s amazing! My fiance is doing his PhD in neuroscience and loves PhD Comics.

3/30/10 @ 3:03 pm (reply)

19.

Member

shushu1208 (message) 1,296 posts, Bumble bee

For us as well (and I know some of my fellow students) have the potential to be apart at least for a few years. I have to match as a med student and he has to match as a clinical psychology student, and it’s highly likely we won’t be able to match in the same places. However, I am so happy to hear the news that you two will be together for your first year of marriage :-). Congratulations on finding a job and to Mr. Hot Wings too! Wish you all the best!

P.S. I read PhD comics everyday as does FI. He captures grad student life perfectly!

3/30/10 @ 3:10 pm (reply)

20.

Bee

Mrs. Hot Cocoa (message) 2,077 posts, Buzzing bee

So glad this worked out so well for you guys! I had quite a few colleagues and professors who were in bi-coastal relationships b/c of the awful job market in the humanities, and it just sucks.

3/30/10 @ 3:12 pm (reply)

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