Anything but American?

Anything but American?

April 6th, 2010 @ 1:12 pm by Mrs. Taco
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We’re having a decidedly United States kinda wedding with few shouts to my or his heritage, short of our multiculti family members neatly arranged in a room together. That in itself should be an experience, I’m sure. We didn’t have a particular reason for going this route, it was just a matter of taste and preference, as with everything else. But on that note…

May Bride S is Chinese. May Groom M is Indian. They are not having an Indian wedding, nor are they having a Chinese wedding. But they’ve apparently been asked at least a couple times if they’re having an Indian wedding.

My first reaction is to be half-serious bitter over the fact that being Indian is cool now. I wished that half of my heritage would disappear during awkward growing-up phases. I was finally cool with being Indian after the adolescent self-consciousness came and went. But after Slumdog Millionaire and Aishwarya Rai hit mainstream popularity, a lot of other people got cool with it, too. As a friend pointed out, Irish immigrants were barely one rung up from slaves long ago; now, everyone and their mom is proud to be “Irish” on St. Patrick’s Day and the accent makes people go wild. So, perhaps it’s just a matter of cultural evolution.

That question about my friends’ pretend Indian wedding is a well-meaning one, I’m sure. But the timing is an eyebrow-raiser: would they have gotten that question 10, 15, 20 years ago?

There are subtle ways to do “cultural”, surely. Jumping the broom. Money dance. Maybe you’re Scottish and wanted to go the So I Married an Axe Murderer route, bagpipes and all. (“We have a piper down, I repeat, a piper is DOWN.”) Or maybe you’re doing absolutely nothing “cultural”, per se.

Whatever the case, do people assume (correctly or incorrectly) that you’re having a “cultural” wedding? And is that assumption insulting to you or not?

Tags: cultural, san-francisco |

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23 Responses to “Anything but American?”

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Member

pren79 (message) 664 posts, Busy bee

I wouldn’t say people “assume” but they do ask. From the perspective of a guest, it’s not that they’re stereotyping the couple but it’s just something that will help them to visualize the wedding and/or assess the entertainment value. I know, I know, people will be there to celebrate and support the couple but as a guest, I would also look forward to a cultural wedding.. it’s almost like going to a cultural festival abroad. More work for the couple, definitely though.

4/6/10 @ 1:29 pm (reply)

Member

Gerbera (message) 4,481 posts, Honey bee

Insulting? Nope.
Most people do assume however that I will be doing nothing culture because of the fact that I’m marry a white man. That does surprise me because we’re honoring his and my culture.

4/6/10 @ 1:31 pm (reply)

Member

LisaBee (message) 358 posts, Helper bee

I don’t think its insulting. Weddings are a great time to share different cultures with everyone close to you, and if people are curious about customs or cultures that they don’t have much experience with, I say the more questions the merrier! And, were I an adult around marrying people 10, 20 years ago, I would probably ask the same questions that I do now.

4/6/10 @ 1:41 pm (reply)

Bee

Mrs. Spaniel (message) 6,792 posts, Bee Keeper

People never seemed to assume I was having either a Pakistani wedding or a Jewish wedding, so I probably didn’t surprise them too much that I included a tiny bit of each but didn’t have either.

I think Bollywood has started to get just a tiny bit more mainstream, so people have more exposure to Indian weddings than they used to… and know how much fun they can be! Maybe they’re secretly hoping for the chance to be invited to one.

4/6/10 @ 1:45 pm (reply)

Member

ktisthatbees (message) 2,742 posts, Sugar bee

My FI and I are about as culture neutral as they come, no recent immigrant relatives, no strong heritage ties or family traditions. it’s kind of boring . . . well unless you count being southern, which could be good and bad (are we talking Paula Dean and mint julips or missing teeth and tractor pulls?)

4/6/10 @ 1:51 pm (reply)

Member

attaya_girl (message) 6 posts, Newbee

I’ve actually found it annoying when people assume we’re not having an intercultural celebration and when people have tried to persuade us not to have any African influences because it’s not really popular yet-unless you want to jump over a broom and that has nothing do with his culture. It is interesting to see how some cultural weddings are suddenly becoming very popular, though.

4/6/10 @ 1:53 pm (reply)

Guest

Christine

We had a regular old “American” wedding. That said, a girlfriend of mine a few years ago married her Guyanese/Indian boyfriend, and I probably asked if they were going to have an “Indian wedding” (in their case, they had two weddings.) But I assure you it wasn’t to be insulted, it’s just because I was curious and frankly interested in going as it seemed like a lot of fun.

4/6/10 @ 1:56 pm (reply)

Guest

Christine

Argh, insulted=insulting. Cannot type today, apparently.

4/6/10 @ 1:56 pm (reply)

Member

mander411 (message) 735 posts, Busy bee

I think it is great that ppl are asking or interested in the slightest! Ppl ask if we are going to have FH break the glass as is typical in Jewish ceremonies - well he AND I are both Catholic and having a church ceremony but the ppl that ask know of my Jewish roots as well as the fact that I was raised a different religion. (PS: I would love for him to break the glass but it isn’t happening). I think it is about OWNERSHIP of ones culture. How can someone keep putting you down when you own who you are or where you come from? They can’t, they just look like a fool for even trying.

4/6/10 @ 2:15 pm (reply)

10.

Guest

May Bride S

May Bride S here… it’s a little insulting to me when people come running up to me and excitingly ask if I’m having an Indian wedding, yet they don’t mention a thing or ask any questions about if I’m having a Chinese wedding.

While we’re incorporating elements of both our cultures, it’s primarily an American wedding, that is very us, but it’s a little deflating when people get all disappointed that we’re not having an Indian wedding.

Also, I find it funny when people tell me and my fiance all the time, this day is about her, while planning just agree to what she wants, yet the same people ask me if we’re having a wedding solely based on his culture, yet none of mine.

4/6/10 @ 2:23 pm (reply)

11.

Bee

Miss Trail Mix (message) 6,328 posts, Bee Keeper

We’re having a Jewish wedding, which is what everyone expects and I think would be horrified if we didn’t!

4/6/10 @ 2:51 pm (reply)

12.

Member

bohemianbailie (message) 980 posts, Busy bee

We are having a mixed wedding but I am considering the American aspects of the wedding to be cultural since to my FI’s family they are. Our ceremony will be half in English and half in Swedish.

4/6/10 @ 2:55 pm (reply)

13.

Member

sf_carrie (message) 463 posts, Helper bee

Interesting post. I imagine people will assume our wedding will be an Indian wedding because we are both of South Asian descent but in actuality it will be a very simple small “American” wedding with some subtle nods to our heritage (still trying to figure what/how to incorporate). It’s all about keeping it easy and personal for us! I wouldn’t be offended by the question though.

4/6/10 @ 3:18 pm (reply)

14.

Member

dgurrala (message) 2 posts, Wannabee

i’m planning an indian/egyptian wedding. i don’t find it insulting at all that people assume that it’ll be a cultural indian or egyptian wedding. both of us were born and raised here but my parents exposed us to the indian community here and there. i’ve always been proud of my backround and am so excited to incorporate both cultures as much as i possibly can. we’re also doing the typical american wedding with the tying of the thali and before the wedding there are some ceremonies that they do to prepare the bride and groom for marriage-that i’m staying out of and allowing my mother to take full control of.

most of the cultural stuff will be happening at the reception with a dholi player and an indian dj that knows how to mix indian with whatever other type of music we like. and of course the food. small things like that would make your wedding cultural in its own way both you and your guests would be happy.

4/6/10 @ 4:39 pm (reply)

15.

Member

jordynrose (message) 6,351 posts, Bee Keeper

We are having a pretty American wedding, with some nods to our Italian heritage.

4/6/10 @ 5:20 pm (reply)

16.

Member

RecessionistaBride (message) 5,018 posts, Bee Keeper

Our cultures are fairly boring… I think the guests don’t mean to be insulting– I’m sure they’re just asking because they’re curious about those traditions. I would love to attend a wedding that included such rich traditions as an Indian or Chinese wedding!

4/6/10 @ 5:48 pm (reply)

17.

Bee

Miss Octopus (message) 1,446 posts, Bumble bee

This is not a cultural comment, but instead, I want to say that we are BFFs now because you quoted So I Married an Axe Murderer. IT’S LIKE AN ORANGE ON A TOOTHPICK!

4/6/10 @ 6:17 pm (reply)

18.

Bee

Miss Taco (message) 950 posts, Busy bee

Fab input, thanks, ladies.

@Miss Octopus: HA, that just made my day, thanks, Octopus!

HEAD! PAPER! NOW!

4/6/10 @ 6:19 pm (reply)

19.

Member

tea (message) 7,288 posts, Bee Keeper

they were probably curious and wanted to visualize the kind of wedding they would have. we’ll be incorporating a paebaek into our wedding and i’m excited to share that with our friends and family.

4/6/10 @ 6:44 pm (reply)

20.

Member

silverbrooke (message) 254 posts, Helper bee

Some of the Irish Catholics were actually white slaves during colonial times. Some convicts got shipped to Australia and some to America to serve other families for the rest of their days- a lucky bunch only had 7 or so years of indentured servitude. Then again in the other wave of Irish immigration through the Island we spent a few generations earning our keep with “no Irish allowed” areas and disgusting jobs (Upton Sinclair anyone?). St. Patty’s day always is strange for me too, I just take it as a drinking holiday

We’re doing a modified Greek Orthodox crowning ceremony for his heritage, and some Celtic/Pagan influences for mine (incorporating a hand fasting as part of the wedding ritual as well as a besom jump, and my family plaid).

I think people are so pre-conditioned to the typical American church wedding that anything that is different and embraces other cultures immediately becomes really interesting.

4/6/10 @ 6:47 pm (reply)

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