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My mother and I were invited to a wedding once; it was my mom’s co-worker and my mother had heard endless details about this wedding for over a year now. We drove an hour, parked our cars, climbed up a San Francisco hill by ourselves at night and rode an ancient elevator in a questionable building.
We were ushered into a room with no chairs and not enough food, and full of hungry people, and we stayed there — for two hours. We had no idea what was going on, until we heard someone say it:
“Oh, what a beautiful wedding.” What?!
Turns out, this particular bride invited some guests only to the reception, and others to both events. I remember how cheated we felt; especially my mom, who knew this woman more closely than I did. We drove all this way only to miss the point?
Of course this anecdote is related more to the personality of this particular bride than anything else, but I think it underscores the importance of allowing your guests to see you get married, and to feel a part of that experience.
I read something a while back about the wedding ceremony being a focal point of the day itself. (What else would it be? That’s the whole point!) The article went on to say that if your wedding ceremony is beautiful and meaningful and heartfelt, and if it draws your guests in, that everything else about your wedding day will flow smoothly.
A few weeks ago, I got a chance to flesh out the ceremony. We met with our officiant, a very nice spiritual lady who has lots of ideas. Almost without thinking, I figured out the elements of our ceremony. It seems like we will have:
To help us, we are using one of my favorite ceremony planning books: The Wedding Ceremony Planner. It’s an excellent book, especially if one is not particularly religious.
It is so important to me that our ceremony reflect us in a way nothing else that day does. Falling for Mr. Oyster, and being with him every day, is one of the simplest things in the world to me. Marrying him is such a natural step for us to take, and we are so happy to do so. I hope our guests can understand what this means for us and share our happiness, and I especially look forward to feeling the encouragement and love of all those who have taken this step before us.
Here is one of the best wedding ceremony sermons I’ve ever heard, at the wedding of Jennifer and Ming. I found this through the StillMotion blog, and I love the words and the sentiment:
How do you feel about reception-only invitations?
This is a really interesting post. For the most part I agree with you, but I do think it is okay to have a very small and private wedding ceremony followed by a large reception where you invite lots of people. But if you are doing that, you need to make it clear to your guests what they will be attending! It does not sound like that happened at this wedding you attended.
I’m excited to hear more details about your ceremony!
I find the idea of only being invited to the reception a bit strange. Especially seeing as the reception is the bit where you pay per head, not the ceremony.
I have been to weddings where the couple have invited people to the ceremony, but then had a small intimate reception which only close friends and family were invited too. Usually after the ceremony the newly weds shared some wine with all the guests present for some toasts before they went off for the smaller reception.
That I can understand, as it allows the couple to include more guests in their wedding day then what their budget may be able to afford catering wise.
The only time I think reception only invites are okay is if the ceremony itself was a small destination wedding or an elopement, if it was necessary because of religious beliefs… but it should have been made clear on the invitations, maybe with a small explanation!
It seems pretty rude to pick and choose which guests you want at either if they’re on the same day, in the same town… especially if you didn’t fill them in beforehand! I’d feel cheated, too. It would almost seem like the couple was pining for gifts.
Wow! I agree that ALL guests should get to see the actual wedding. I have actual made a sacrifice of “place” to achieve this. So we can afford to have a wedding and reception with ALL our guests, we are just doing it in the same room! It’s easier for them, and that makes me happy! =) My goal is for my guests to see how much we love eachother and to share in that love. In this way I hope to bring them all in to the marriage on some level to be support for us as the years go by and life happens and things change. There will come a time when we will need them more than we do now, and if they don’t witness us on that most meaningful day, how can I expect their dedication to my future family. I want all the people I love to be a part of this marriage, not just me and my man. =) Marriage is about family.
We’re doing a small ceremony (30 people - immediate family, grandparents and wedding party only) with a large cocktail reception afterward. Since we’re doing it on a Friday, we figure no one will be too bothered that they don’t have to take off work early to get to our 3pm wedding. It was our way of balancing our huge families against my desire for a small wedding.
And the invites to the reception-only folks will read that we were married in a private ceremony so they know that it’s only a reception.
At first I only wanted a few close friends and family members to see us get married…..but after much debate I agree that the focus should be on the ceremony and the meaning behind it.
For me - part of it was fear of being up in front of everyone but I’m slowly getting over it.
I think Dachshund hit the nail on the head. There are few acceptable exceptions to reception-only invites.
To me, the wedding is the main event. The reception plays second fiddle.
Here in the UK, it is a common practice to invite guests to the evening party only. The invitations states this so noone is under any illusions that they are attending the full ceremony. I should add that all that I have attended have had food and drink available and you are not expected to bring a gift. It is a good way to invite co-workers, extended family without the expense.
Oh that video makes me want to hire a videographer, but it’s just not in the budget. What an awesome ceremony!
I had actually never thought of the possibility of having only a few guests to the ceremony, and then the rest to the reception; the opposite makes more sense to me, although I guess I understand that some people would want the ceremony to be more intimate.
We’ll be doing the opposite - invite everyone we know to the ceremony, have cake, canapees and champagne at our house (everyone we know is invited) - and then have our dinner and celebration at an intimate castle in the evening with about 40-50 of our closest friends and family. All those who are only invited to the cake/champagne part are well aware that they aren’t invited to the evening celebration, it would be so rude otherwise! I completely understand your mother’s reaction.
The sermon from the ceremony on the video is actually Union by Robert Fulghum. My fiance and I are having it read at our ceremony and this was the first time I heard it outloud. I couldn’t get through the video without tears just picturing me and my fiance standing up there in front of our friends and family. I can’t wait to marry him!
While I definitely think this bride was rude in her delivery, I understand the idea completely.
I’ve gone back and forth in my head about the ceremony. I feel that the ceremony is such a personal part of someone’s life. I don’t know if I would want every. single. person. I’ve ever met (and their dates) watching my fiance and I share our vows with eachother. This might be rude to say, but I believe the ceremony is about the bride and groom. period. The reception is a celebration of the unity with all of the couple’s friends and family.
With all that said, I 100% understand how you and your mom were a little upset/offended about not being invited to the ceremony. The bride SHOULD have made it known that not everyone would be invited to the ceremony. Especially since, as it seems, she talked to your mom personally about alomst every detail.
We’re doing some reception-only invites. We wanted a small-ish wedding, and my family is too huge to accommodate/afford…so we decided to invite aunts/uncles, and first cousins to the ceremony/dinner…and second cousins to the reception. It is one of those “rules” we just had to make. Also, we are having a semi-destination wedding, as in we live 5 hours away from basically all of our family, so I have a feeling quite a few people that wont be able to make it.
I have a hard time reconciling the idea of “my day” with being considerate of others…its tough and I really just try to be as considerate as possible and think how I would feel in the guests position. In this case, I have no problems with the possibility of being a reception-only guest in the future. I understand people’s situations and the fact that not everyone can afford to invite 200 people to their wedding…even if they’d like too.
However…I DEFINITELY think the guest needs to be aware of what they are and aren’t invited to…eek!
We are having a very small ceremony.. 8 guests. We are having it in the Bahamas so there would be complaining of people who were not invited. We are not religious and want the ceremony as quickly as possible 
Our reception is the most important part to us. It will be about 100 people. Our invites will clearly say we had a privite ceremony in the bahamas and to join us when we return home for lots of food, drink & dancing!
@Eileen!! Thank you!! I have been wondering forever where that is from. Maybe we can have it read at our wedding, too! I so love to listen to it.
We’re doing reception only invites. However, we are doing a very small (15 people) ceremony in Jamaica with the party after our honeymoon. In our case, people will have to understand only being invited to the party since we’re getting married in Jamaica!
My browser unfortunately blocks the video, but I can’t wait to see it! And I totally agree with Miss Oyster that as embarassing and nervewracking as it may be to some brides, inviting guests to the ceremony as well as the reception is the polite thing to do. I would definitely feel a slap in the face if I made all that effort to show up to a reception only to find out I didn’t make the cut for the ceremony.
Yea, I don’t really get the reception only thing. I mean, the ceremony is the free part right (meaning, you don’t pay per attendee)!? We figured most people won’t come to the ceremony anyway (it’s 4pm on a friday evening) but we never thought to send people reception only invites. I mean, why wouldn’t you give them the choice of attending the ceremony? Turns out, we have heard a lot of people are making special arrangements so they can be at the ceremony! Who knew?!
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Mrs. Oyster, Dallas Age and Occupation: 30, Music Teacher Fiance's Age and Occupation: 46, Art Teacher Engagement Date: January 9, 2009 Wedding Date: July 2010 Venue: The Tower Club About Me: I'm a Texa-Californian with a penchant for sparkly things and a tendency to think a lot. I've been known to sing random songs or dance when there is no music on. My fiance and I love world culture, we love to travel, and we have an incredibly eclectic taste in music. We’re thrilled to have the opportunity to celebrate our marriage with our family & closest friends. We're planning an “urban black-tie” wedding and hope to incorporate our personalities and some of our own interests. We look forward to a life of love, laughter, good music, beautiful art, and to creating our home together with our four (!) cats.
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