Ambiguous Finances

Ambiguous Finances

April 9th, 2010 @ 5:10 pm by Mrs. Penguin
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Mr. Peng and I were eating breakfast on Saturday and we started talking about the new baseball season. He was considering ordering the MLB Extra Innings cable package this year, so he could catch all the Twins games, which was going to cost around $180. He started to justify his potential purchase, saying he had an upcoming weekend training that his company was paying him for, and he was going to use that money to purchase the package.

I kind of laughed, and he asked me why I was laughing. I told him, “Honestly honey, if I wanted something like this, I’d never ask you if I could have it, nor would I justify my purchase to you by telling you I was going to use “this money” or “that money” to buy it. If you want the package, buy it. I know it’s important to you to catch as many Twins’ games as possible.”

He was kind of caught off guard for this comment. I think he thought I was going to give him resistance on his purchase, which explained whole spiel he prepared about where he was going to get the money to pay for it. But honestly, I just don’t care. And seriously—if I want something badly enough, there is really no way I’d try to run it by Mr. Peng. I’m an adult. I make my own money.

Sure, we spend WAY too much money on food, but as far as extraneous purchases, neither of us really make any. My hobby is blogging; and of course we don’t consider the internet as an extraneous expense. Mr. Peng’s hobby is watching sports, which rarely comes with a big price tag, aside from the occasional ticket purchase to catch a ballgame Neither of us really spends money purely on ourselves; we’re typically “wasting” money on things we do together, which, while not exactly fiscally responsible, counts toward us being happy and building memories and all that emotional crap.

Sometimes I find myself talking about finances with other married women and find myself embarrassed about how Mr. Pengy and I don’t have a full grip on each others’ finances. Many say that having a firm grasp on your financial situation as a couple is an integral part of coupledom.

But I just don’t know. It’s often those same people that say money is the biggest source of stress in their lives. I’ve sought opinions on our situation, many have said, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” While I don’t want to introduce another source of stress into our lives, I also don’t want to be naive in being only vaguely aware of our financial situation. For me, security means never carrying a credit card balance, and putting away about 40 percent of the maximum amount I’m allowed to into my SEP-IRA (I used to max out, but now that we have a mortgage there is just NO WAY), and after that, being able to open a CD every year after taxes that is roughly equivalent to 15% of my yearly income. I feel like I’m being financially responsible, and I think Mr. Peng is being responsible, too. BUT, I can’t even tell you what financial stability means to my husband! Ambiguous Finances : wedding budget relationships san francisco Icon Surprised :o I don’t even know!

In the end, even though we’ve been married for almost 2 years, I’m just not ready to look into his finances. And I’m not ready for him to look into mine. And for now, I think it’s OK (even if a bit irresponsible). Baby steps.

What about you? Do you run your extraneous purchase by your spouse, and does he/she afford you the same courtesy? Or do you think that if you want something bad enough, you should be able to buy it with or without justifying it to your spouse? Anyone else out there lead completely separate financial lives from their spouse, like we do?

Tags: budget, relationships, san-francisco |

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34 Responses to “Ambiguous Finances”

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Member

Arachna (message) 1,267 posts, Bumble bee

I was nodding along and thinking that it sounded like your way of handling worked great right up to when you mentioned that you don’t know what financial stability means to your husband. I think that’s the kind of thing it is important to know about each other, not running purchases past each other but a general awareness of how much they have saved and what kind of life they want to lead. I don’t think that’s sustainable once employment changes happen or children enter the picture etc. I think it’s generally a good idea to know what your partner think about most big topics, money included.

4/9/10 @ 5:16 pm (reply)

Member

labrat (message) 472 posts, Helper bee

I agree with what you’re doing. We will probably keep the separate finances for a while until things get settled. It makes sense. As long as the bills are paid, we don’t have to merge everything… =) We have a joint acct for the mutual bills and it works well now.

4/9/10 @ 5:18 pm (reply)

Member

Goldilocks1107 (message) 2,504 posts, Sugar bee

We’ve decided that after we get married, we’ll be comingling the money. We’ve already sat down and plotted out current debt (student loans, cars and a house) and our goals for the future. And each month, we’ll have our “fun money” that can be spent however we want. But otherwise with big purchases, we have to run it past each other. And I’m sure he’d appreciate a head’s up when I’m planning to go shopping for some new clothes

4/9/10 @ 5:20 pm (reply)

Bee

Mrs. Penguin (message) 3,506 posts, Sugar bee

@Arachna: Wholeheartedly agreed (hence the embarrassment when I talk about this topic with friends!). Just writing this post out made me realize that this is a topic we really need to discuss!

4/9/10 @ 5:21 pm (reply)

Member

sarahcaitie (message) 26 posts, Newbee

The other day I went shopping with a new friend, and she said, “my husband would get so mad if I bought this dress.” I told someone else at work about a pair of shoes I’d found and bought over my lunch break (at Stein Mart! On sale!) and she said, “ooooh, your fiance would be upset if he knew about that!”

I am one of the first in my group of friends to get married, so maybe it’s just seems weird since most of our friends keep their finances separate. However, I really don’t feel a need to justify my purchases to anyone…and I don’t think that’s going to change after we get married!

We are doing OK financially and we’re both saving every month. Yeah, we talk before making big purchases, but I enjoy having financial freedom over small & medium stuff.

4/9/10 @ 5:21 pm (reply)

Guest

Marianne

Sounds like this system works well for you now…. However, this may change when “you and me” becomes “we.” As in a family:)

4/9/10 @ 5:22 pm (reply)

Member

Champagne Wishes (message) 1,187 posts, Bumble bee

I just had this conversation with my friends last night! The Mister and I know each others salaries, how much we put in our retirement, an idea of what is in our savings accounts and how much our monthly bills are.
My friends, no idea on any of it and no interest in knowing.
I told the Mister about this and we think our openess comes from when I was laidoff the first time in our relationship (currently on my second layoff ) and how he needed to help me get by.
But I am also the kind of person who will tell a stranger what I make because I am sure they have a general idea!
To each his/her own

4/9/10 @ 5:23 pm (reply)

Member

MrsSl82be (message) 7,970 posts, Bee Keeper

The hubs and I have the same current goals - pay off all our CCs by the end of the year, put what would normally go to said leeches into savings, and never have to rely on another CC again! It makes me sick to think of all the interest we have been paying to those bastards over the years. Granted, we will have a brand spanking new mortgage to pay for, but that’s unavoidable. Since we can live on what we both make now, once I get a new job and he gets any raises, that money will be divided equally between the mortgage and savings, and we will continue to live on our current means as long as we can. We still have separate finances almost 6 months after getting married, but only because for the 2 years previous, we had been combining our bills and paying them between the two of us, and since our bill situation hasn’t changed until the mortgage comes into play next month, we didn’t change anything. That is something that we will be working on this weekend - fixing our money so that it gets funneled immediately come pay day into the appropriate accounts.

Having said all of that, we will each still have separate checking accounts and be able to keep some of our money for our own use. That money can be used for whatever we see fit, but anything that has to come out of our joint money will need to be discussed with the other. While I will be the main money handler in our relationship, he will be kept in the loop so he knows how much we have/what needs to be paid or whatever for each month. I don’t think its fair to dump the responsibilities on one particular person, I think that each person should share it since they are both contributing.

Oops, sorry so long!!

4/9/10 @ 5:26 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Sewing (message) 2,701 posts, Sugar bee

i don’t really know what’s going on in mr. sew’s bank account either, but once every couple of months or so we’ll compare savings/spending totals to see who’s got more money. since we earn about the same, it’s a little competition for us. lol. and for bigger ’stuff’ purchases (>$100 or so), we will consult with each other first.

4/9/10 @ 5:28 pm (reply)

10.

Bee

Miss Snow (message) 916 posts, Busy bee

Mr. Snow and I maintain separate checking and savings accounts and separate credit cards. We have one joint account that very little money ever enters or exits, but it is a baby step…

I’d never think to tell him about a purchase unless it was a major expense that depleted savings we agreed to each work on (like wedding savings or vacation savings). I have no idea how much money he spends and I’m sure he has no idea how much I spend, so I totally get where you’re coming from. Heck, I still write Mr. Snow a rent check each month!

It may shift once we’re married, but I think both of us really like having our separate financial spheres for now…

4/9/10 @ 5:36 pm (reply)

11.

Member

lemondrop (message) 1,193 posts, Bumble bee

We are pretty similar to you guys. We mostly spend money on food/beer and doing things together. Rarely do we every buy anything significantly expensive.

We just upgraded my 19″ college tv to a nice flatscreen… people have long given us flack for that ancient tv.

We use his account as our main one to put paychecks into, then move it into other accounts to pay the bills. However, there is no mine vs his money, it is ours by doing it this way. Our main goal right now is to finish paying off credit cards that have added up around our wedding and a brief stint of unemployment for both of us. After that back to socking away as much as we can into retirement

4/9/10 @ 5:40 pm (reply)

12.

Member

MissChirpie (message) 730 posts, Busy bee

As far as money goes, we are honest with each other about how much money we have and what we are spending. We hardly ever buy anything extra for ourselves, which makes spending so much money on our wedding hard for us. We don’t have any debt besides student loan debt which is excusable because those degrees are valuable to us.

By the way GO TWINS!!!

4/9/10 @ 5:45 pm (reply)

13.

Bee

Miss Hamster (message) 4,046 posts, Honey bee

Our philosophy is pretty much the same as yours, and I kinda like it that way

4/9/10 @ 5:52 pm (reply)

14.

Member

bohemianbailie (message) 980 posts, Busy bee

My FI and I know exactly who has what and we have one joint account and the only reason we have seperate accounts is becuase they are based in different countries. Once we are married though we will only have the joint account. We do consider ourselves very traditional though and honestly I find this to be the easiest.

4/9/10 @ 5:58 pm (reply)

15.

Member

mander411 (message) 735 posts, Busy bee

sounds like you guys are doing just fine - who cares what ‘they’ say is the right way for a wife and husband to be about money. You save money, have your bills paid, own your residence AND carry no CC Debt? that’s awesome-ness right there

4/9/10 @ 5:58 pm (reply)

16.

Member

gill84 (message) 725 posts, Busy bee

I like the ‘if it ain’t broke’ approach. We’ve been wondering if we should combine our finances more after we get married (even though we already live together and split all the bills).

Thanks for posting this, it’s made me realize there’s no reason to rush into this - I don’t want to start having money fights, if we aren’t now.

4/9/10 @ 5:59 pm (reply)

17.

Bee

Miss Elephant (message) 6,182 posts, Bee Keeper

We’re pretty much like you. He has his accounts, I have my accounts and we have a joint account right now for the wedding. After the wedding that will be the account we pay the bills out of.

Since we both make our own money, I’m not going to question him the once every 3 months that he buys a couple of video games and he doesn’t question if I go and buy a new outfit or some shoes. It works for us, and I hope to keep it working after the wedding.

4/9/10 @ 6:06 pm (reply)

18.

Bee

Mrs. Spaniel (message) 6,792 posts, Bee Keeper

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what you’re doing. We’re living on VERY little right now, so we have to be aware of each other’s spending (otherwise we’ll overdraw! Constantly!) but once we actually make a decent living, even though we combine our finances, I don’t plan to pay much attention to what he spends money on. As long as the agreed-upon amount goes into savings and the necessary bills get paid, I don’t think I need to know what he buys… and he doesn’t need to know what I spend money on, either!

4/9/10 @ 6:14 pm (reply)

19.

Member

Twista (message) 804 posts, Busy bee

I was about to post something on the boards today. We have money to pay our bills every month and don’t hound each other about whatever else we spend. He said that his boss thinks we have to have a joint account when we get married, but I disagree. I agree maybe we should get a joint account for bills, which we can just transfer money to from our individual accounts, but I keep crazy-detailed records of my spending in my checkbook and he doesn’t and we both use our debit cards for nearly everything. I would go crazy trying to reconcile all those purchases. We’ll be keeping things separate, thank you very much.

4/9/10 @ 6:18 pm (reply)

20.

Member

daniellemybelle (message) 2,520 posts, Sugar bee

This is an interesting post. There are so many different ways of doing things, and I agree - if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. If this works for you, then that makes sense! But I do agree with the commenter that said if and when you have children, some things might shift and you may find yourself having more involved conversations about long-term finances.

As for me and FI, we plan on going pretty much all in, but that’s because we have disparate incomes and we plan on me being a stay-at-home mom at some point. That’s just what we think will work for us!

4/9/10 @ 6:20 pm (reply)

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