Weddingbee Blog

* Learning to be a team for Halloween 2007 *

OK that picture is just silly. We Hot Wings dressed as Ninjas to fight GM Wingman B dressed as a pirate. It’s the best I could come with for this post.

Anyways, I’ve mentioned how much Mr. Hot Wings and I believe in working on our relationship. We actually began officially “working” on it years ago. After being together for almost 2 years, we hit our first big rough patch in our relationship. We considered going to couple’s counseling then decided against it because some of our problems at the time had to do with our inter-cultural and inter-racial relationship. Instead, we decided to DIY our own couple’s counseling.

Warning: DIYing couple’s counseling is not a decision to be made lightly.

It’s definitely not for everyone. I suggest trying it and seeing if it works for you as a couple. It’s a lot of work to DIY this. And it’s even more accountability on both individuals and requires a lot of attention to whether or not each partner is being heard. If one of you feels you’re not being “heard,” please consider getting a couple’s counselor. You might be in need of a third party.

We scheduled Sunday evening “sessions” with one another. At our first session, we drafted out what a typical session would look like and our respective goals.

Typical session agenda: Check-in, Activity, and Hugging it out.

We took turns leading the session and coming up with activities to continue to get to know each other and to strengthen our relationship. We decided that sessions would be about US as a couple. It is always to be separate from date night. We felt that on date night we often ended up catching up on each other’s work, our friends and family, and worldly news. We didn’t tend to talk about US as much. So, sessions would be our private space to talk about us.

Checking in was a time to let discuss anything that bothered you since the last time we met for session. It’s meant to provide space for getting the little gripes out so that they don’t build into something huge, and so they don’t come out inappropriately as you argue about something completely different. Note: Many weeks, we really had nothing to gripe about and it became a time to check-in about the loveliness.

Our activities really ranged. We actually did a lot of what pre-marital counseling sessions do. I’ll give you 2 of my favorite activities we’ve done thus far.

(Activity 1) 10 Things your partner does that makes you happy (Mr. Hot Wings’ actual responses from 2 years ago) I really liked this activity. These really surprised me. I didn’t realize it was so easy to make him happy. In addition to this question, we also wrote and discussed things that the other could do more of to make us happy.

*1. Gives me a hug when I need one.

2. Gives me a high-five to celebrate and often says “high-five” (in Borat voice of course)

3. Asks me how my day is and listens when I tell how it was.

4. Let’s me take her out to dinner to places I like too.

5. Goes to the gym with me.

6. Doesn’t mind if I watch UFC and The Illini

7. Reminds me to call my parents.

8. Doesn’t mind staying in and watching TV on a Friday night.

9. Gives me a kiss every morning and wishes me a good day.

10. Puts lotion on my back when it’s dry.

11. Gives me haircuts.

12. Gives me a kiss good night.

Indicates his top 2.

(2) Writing your own Obituary (Miss Hot Wings’ actual responses from 7/13/2008): This activity is meant to get you thinking about what you want to be remembered for. Then you work backwards to get to what you need to be doing today to move toward those goals. Mr Hot Wings and I work A LOT more hours than we would both publicly acknowledge. This activity really helped us to see how we each want to prioritize our lives.

- Devoted mother, wife, daughter, friend, scholar, teacher, and activist

- Passionate about life and the guest for equality.

- Caring and compassionate

- Optimistic, always smiling, and able to laugh during hard times.

- Always available to those she loved.

- If she loved you, you knew it. Because she always made sure you knew she loved you.

- Always had faith in herself and never let you lose faith in yourself.

- Squeezed the joy out of every moment, savoring each moment for what it was.

- Always a student at heart, eager to learn about herself, others, and the world around her.

- And doing it all in style!

Then we always ended with Hugging It Out. It felt good to curl up together after working on us.

It was a lot of fun pulling these out again.

Do you and your significant other “session” about your relationship?