Andrew Young and the Sanctity of Marriage

Andrew Young and the Sanctity of Marriage

April 12th, 2010 @ 2:32 pm by Mrs. Oyster
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Every so often, I bring my iPod of podcasts to work with me to catch up. This week, I listened to the New York Times’ book review and interview with Andrew Young, the staffer who covered for his friend John Edwards and was unceremoniously dumped when Edwards’ scandal broke and destroyed everything. Then he wrote a book about it.

I kept listening to Mr. Young’s account of things, and, later in the interview, his admission that his own role in the cover-up was morally inept, and I kept wondering: what does his wife think? I know what I think.

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How many of us have ever covered for friends when we were younger? “Hey, can I tell my mom I’m at your house?” Or covered for a boss if s/he’s out of the office? I haven’t done either of these things (my friends weren’t cool enough, I guess… and I haven’t worked in enough offices to take calls from a boss’ relatives).

But what would you think about the fact that your husband, the one who promised to love and honor you, helped to cover up a sexual compulsion as nasty as John Edwards’?

How would you feel knowing your husband was so politically ambitious that he was complicit in the actions that led to the destruction of a marriage?

Much has been made of the “what would you do if your spouse was cheating” issue, but this is a little different. Andrew Young may have remained faithful to his own spouse, but what do his actions say about his belief in marriage? At what point would you determine this a line crossed? What would you say if someone asked you to cover for them, and you knew they were having an affair? What would you say if your spouse did that for someone else? How would you balance that with the need to keep your job? If you were in on the betrayal, would you feel complicit in the deception? Would you keep quiet?

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20 Responses to “Andrew Young and the Sanctity of Marriage”

Member

shaydenise (message) 1,151 posts, Bumble bee

This is a really good post. I haven’t thought about it from that perspective. One the one hand, I feel as though it wouldn’t be my spouse’s place to get involved in an affair (tell his friend that he’s a being a jerk, but don’t say something to the friend’s wife) but when you factor in him *covering an affair up*… that’s where I have a major problem, And that is where I think my trust and morals would be tested in my own relationship…

4/12/10 @ 2:44 pm (reply)

Member

peachesandtulips (message) 408 posts, Helper bee

I think that this in particular is a very sticky issue, since many staffers, assistants, etc. of politicians take part in things they may not agree with either to keep their jobs or because they believe the politician is the best candidate and therefore their personal life can be overlooked for the greater good of the state/country.

I also feel that if a husband cheats, he alone should be blamed for his actions because he is the one that took vows of loyalty and fidelity to his wife, not the other woman or bystanders who did nothing/covered for him.

On the other hand, I know that if this were one of Mr. P&T’s friends or his boss, I would be very upset if Mr. P&T were knowingly involved in actions such as cheating, ESPECIALLY if the man and his wife had children together.

Like I said…complicated!

4/12/10 @ 2:46 pm (reply)

Member

thebriz (message) 448 posts, Helper bee

My FI and I have had these kind of as it relates to some of his friends that have been less than stellar in their relationships. FI would always say “I’m not a cheater and wouldn’t cheat”; fair enough, but if it bothers you when you find out a friend is doing so behind someone’s back, what does it say to be friends with such a person. Fortunately, the few friends he hangs out with these days are decent, but when he goes out and I hear certain folks will be out, I am not always happy. As I say to him, if your “friend” will cheat on his gf/wife, why should I be okay letting you hang out with him - I can’t trust that he won’t steer you in a bad direction or step up should you be headed towards something you should know better than (this is true when drinking is involved).

Personally, while I wouldn’t go out of my way to get involved in someone’s marriage, especially if I didn’t know the other person, if I was asked point blank or someone said something and I knew better, I couldn’t keep quiet. So I guess if someone doesn’t want me to know something, and it doesn’t come under the attorney-client privilege, better keep it to yourself when I’m around…

4/12/10 @ 2:48 pm (reply)

Guest

cjm

This guy totally crossed the line. I’m not a fan of actively helping someone cover up an affair but he went so far beyond that. He stated *he* had the affair with her. That the child was his. And moved her into his house for awhile. It’s all nuts. I wonder what his wife thinks, too. Why would she go along with that?

4/12/10 @ 2:54 pm (reply)

Bee

Mrs. Pug (message) 3,753 posts, Honey bee

this is a tough one. i don’t know what i would do–it would really depend on the situation, like peachesandtulips mentioned. but this is really interesting food for thought.

4/12/10 @ 3:14 pm (reply)

Member

dookie32 (message) 176 posts, Blushing bee

I saw Andrew Young and his wife on “Oprah”, and from what I remember, she and their kids were also living in the house at the time when Young was living with Rielle Hunter. So, not only did the wife go along with it, but she allowed her family to be part of the charade. They are both sick people- totally deserve each other.

4/12/10 @ 3:16 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Trail Mix (message) 6,329 posts, Bee Keeper

I would be PISSED. And pretty disappointed in my hubs.

4/12/10 @ 3:34 pm (reply)

Guest

How much was he getting paid?

I’m joking, but honestly: it’s not his place to tell the wife. I would not be upset if my husband knew about an affair a mutual friend of ours was having, and didn’t do anything. It’s not his business, and it’s not mine. It’s also not his business to cover for someone else’s affair. In the case of a friend, I’d be a little uncomfortable finding out that my husband was helping, but again, it’s none of my business. I’d be just as uncomfortable if he told the wife.

I don’t know much about Young’s story, but if he was helping while employed by Edwards, he was put in an incredibly difficult and awkward position. Did the career benefits outweigh the morally difficulty of the situation (salary, experience, references, health insurance)? Did Young only expect to be employed there for a short time? There are too many factors involved for me to begin to judge the situation without more information.

All I can say is that I’d trust my husband to make that decision himself, grown man that he is. Especially if he was involved in politics at that level… a notoriously morally nebulous world.

4/12/10 @ 4:03 pm (reply)

Member

moderndaisy (message) 6,703 posts, Bee Keeper

This reminds me of the whole Enron thing. The employees were knowingly doing morally wrong and sometimes illegal things to fake or make a profit, but just went with the flow b/c it’s what they were told to do and everyone else was doing it. Of course, a lot of them went to jail as a result of their actions.

I think if my husband wasn’t at least VERY conflicted by the forced cover up actions, i would have a problem.

4/12/10 @ 4:21 pm (reply)

10.

Member

moderndaisy (message) 6,703 posts, Bee Keeper

Oh, and FI and I have covered up for a cheating friend before. It was VERY awkward b/c he brought the ‘mistress’ around who also didn’t know he had a girlfriend. He had to warn us ahead of time which girl he was bringing so we wouldn’t get confused, they looked very much alike and we didnt’ see either of them a whole lot. We went along with it only a couple of times because we didn’t realize he was actually in a committed relationship, we thought he was just casually dating 2 different girls. We were about to refuse to do it anymore just b/c it was uncomfortable then he got caught.

4/12/10 @ 4:32 pm (reply)

11.

Guest

Karen

I read an interview which indicated that Andrew Young’s wife was upset about his participation in the plan to claim the baby as his own. However, she did in fact, go along with and help in the deception.

I can honestly say without a doubt that when confronted with a similar situation, that I would never go along with that dishonesty. I would not feel comfortable with my spouse behaving in that way. There is no job that is worth losing your integrity over.

4/12/10 @ 4:33 pm (reply)

12.

Member

mrsRtobe (message) 225 posts, Helper bee

Really interesting post- I think I’ve found a conversation topic for our run tonight…

4/12/10 @ 4:41 pm (reply)

13.

Bee

Miss Cardigan (message) 8,645 posts, Bee Keeper

I would be extremely, extremely disappointed.

4/12/10 @ 5:10 pm (reply)

14.

Member

bridesmomma (message) 451 posts, Helper bee

Good thought-provoking post, Oyster! Love your writing style! :-]

4/12/10 @ 6:09 pm (reply)

15.

Member

SarahBee20 (message) 15 posts, Newbee

I’m pretty sure that his wife knew about what he was doing. The mistress stayed with his family in their house. Yeah, the whole situation was really messed up.

4/12/10 @ 7:28 pm (reply)

16.

Member

eileen marie (message) 1,662 posts, Bumble bee

I agree with SarahBee. (My ex’s brother is named Andrew Young-cracks me up!)

4/13/10 @ 12:11 am (reply)

17.

Bee

Miss Pretzel (message) 1,893 posts, Buzzing bee

Mr Pretzel and I recently “de-friended” a man who showed a complete disregard for marriage by cheating on his wife throughout the whole marriage. Needless to say he has been un-invited to the wedding. As a married couple, we feel it is important to surround ourselves with people who respect and honor marriage the way we do.

4/13/10 @ 11:43 am (reply)

18.

Member

christalynn11 (message) 1,216 posts, Bumble bee

Wow.

So confession - I have not one but TWO girlfriends who cheated on their husbands while in my presence.

One was a casual aquaintence who actually showed up to my house with her guy-on-the-side for an event. I knew that there was trouble in her marriage but when they walked in my look at her said it all - she pulled me off to the side, quietly explained they had separated and asked me to not make a big deal of it. It wasn’t the time or place, so I agreed. However, I ended that friendship by distancing myself. Things faded away.

The second one is a lot more complicated - she was a VERY close friend of mine who remains in my circle of friends. Our friendship ended as well and it was DIRTY. It ended for a few reasons, some of which I claim fault for. However, the thing that prevents me now from any desire to associate with her is the infidelity I witnessed.

Having been cheated on and knowing that my FI first marriage ended after two months due to infidelity, I just can’t be close friends with or cover for a cheating spouse.

4/13/10 @ 1:59 pm (reply)

19.

Member

christalynn11 (message) 1,216 posts, Bumble bee

Sorry, edit to above - that first case, I later found out she had bold-faced lied. Her and the hubby were still very much together and even trying for a baby at that point.

4/13/10 @ 2:01 pm (reply)

20.

Guest

stargirl

good for you miss oyster! It’s encouraging to hear you write about the sanctity of marriage in the midst of wedding planning. It is sooo easy to forget in the craziness of wedding planning that we are also planning for a good, strong marriage.

4/14/10 @ 3:08 am (reply)