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Have any of you read One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding, by Rebecca Mead? If you haven’t, a quick summary is that it’s a non-fiction sociological-type book exploring the inner workings of the wedding industry. I read it a while ago—way before Mr. Octopus and I were engaged—so I don’t remember that much about it. But the other day, a particular statistic Mead had quoted ran through my mind, so I looked the book up on Amazon.
What struck me once I got to the page, though, was this quote from the Washington Post’s review of the book: “The somewhat unsettling truth is that, whipped along by the wedding industry, the American wedding has been turned into an ego trip for brides . . . the glossy bridal magazines . . . exist to convince the bride that it is her privilege, her right — indeed, her obligation — to become preoccupied with herself, her appearance, her tastes, and her ability to showcase them to their best advantage.” Ouch!
Intrigued by this pretty strong condemnation of modern weddings (and brides), I delved a little further into the wilds of the Internet. This New York Times column posed the question to its readers: if you were offered a large sum of money to spend as you pleased, or to direct specifically toward a wedding, what would you choose?
Here are two sentiments that really jumped out at me from the comments:
“A ‘perfect wedding’ is part of the bride’s conditioning, her fantasy day since she received a Barbie doll for Christmas… this is the bride’s big day; the groom is part of the scenario. It’s performance art for him. He’ll go along with it as long as he’s not paying for it.”
“The big wedding ritual is a sad conflation of a once-understandable desire to have family and friends support a (formerly) once in a lifetime event between what was typically a young couple. Now? It’s a different game. The wedding industry is a big fat scam, and the socialization of glamorous wedding days are just a silly ego trip or fantasy-land event. Grow up.”
Oh, SNAP. Anonymous New York Times commenters really don’t pull any punches.
It’s not just anonymous Internet comments, though. In the months I’ve been engaged, there have been quite a few moments in which people have not been shy about letting me know that they find weddings frivolous, wasteful, and unnecessary. Given that I am planning what most people would call a traditional, “wedding-y” wedding, I’ve been a little perplexed about how to handle these comments.
On one hand, when I read things like the quotes above, or hear remarks from others, I want to just dismiss them outright. The level of intensity (as well as the sweeping generalizations!) is, in my opinion, preeeetty over-inflated. Besides, it’s not their money and has nothing to do with them, so why should they even care?
But on the other hand, it’s true that my parents, Mr. O’s parents, and Mr. O and I are, collaboratively, spending a pretty hefty chunk of money on this event, and I think it’s perfectly reasonable to expect that there is a sound rationale behind the choices that we’re making. And as I’ve said before, I really take issue with the media’s portrayal of women who are planning weddings, including things like the quotes above. So I decided: I want to explain, clearly, why Mr. Octopus and I chose to have the wedding-y wedding, and what it means to us.
Up next: the explanation for why we’re doing this whole wedding thing.
How do you feel about these types of perceptions of weddings and brides? Have you noticed remarks like this during your wedding planning?
I’ve been thinking about this a lot myself. I’m trying to compensate by throwing the wedding FOR my guests, by thinking of their wants and desires over my own. That way it’ll be about them instead of about me. I hope.
I’m not engaged yet but my BF and I have definitely heard more than once “don’t do anything big,” or “don’t spend a lot of money.” I interested to hear your explanation. I tend to just ignore people.
It’s interesting - we’re having a decidedly non-weddingy wedding. Private ceremony and dinner, followed by a cocktail reception for 200. It’s more like we’re throwing a huge party than anything else. And I’ve been getting pushback from some family to have a more weddingy wedding. But that’s not me! I wanted the JoP wedding with a party and this is as close as FH was going to allow me to get.
I agree with many of the sentiments of books like this. A good portion of the stuff involved in weddings is just insane. And plenty of otherwise rational women go completely crazy over their weddings. But my question is, why don’t women deserve to just be a little self-absorbed for one time in their lives?
A wedding is, hopefully, a once-in-a-lifetime experience to have a totally kick-ass party with all your friends and family. Brides should get to live it up. As long as they aren’t hurting themselves, or anyone else, why not just let them be?
Our society gets SO tied up in being politically correct that we often forget that not everything needs to be PC in every dimension; it must be socially appropriate, ecologically responsible and feminist-empowered. How much stress can you try and put into one event? What happened to fun? (Note: I am all for weddings that are eco-friendly, btw. I just don’t think every wedding NEEDS to be.)
Weddings have went from a special occasion for people to celebrate, to another occasion for society to judge and categorize women.
And god-damn-it, maybe I just want to wear a poofy dress because they are pretty, okay? 
That was long, woof.
There are quite a few women who I deeply respect in my life who range from puzzled to angry that I, a queer feminist, am getting married. I’ve met with a great deal of remarks about my wedding, and weddings in general, from various people I know and have met. Frankly, all the questioning and negativity DO make me think very deeply about “Why a wedding?” and “Why get married?” but in the end it leaves me puzzled that people just can’t deal with my decision and leave me alone. What is it to anyone outside our family what my FI and I choose to do to celebrate our love and commitment?
I was married a while ago and only really pause on a post on here if it looks interesting–but I felt very judged for my decision to have a traditional wedding-y wedding. In fact one of the major reasons I loved Weddingbee was that it provided a community of support for wedidngs and it did so by featuring a chorus of voices from all kinds of brides, expanding my image of what was possible from the glossy pages of magazines into real weddings.
We had a wedding because I wanted the fabulous day for sure. But we also had it because of our large family and disparate friends traveling from near and far and because generosity and hospitality are too of my favorite virtues and the way in which I wanted to show my love for my husband, for our now collective families on that special day and because those virtues are what I most hoped for in our future home.
I do think that some people fit into the picture that those articles and comments paint, but I think it’s incredibly stereotypical to make blanket statements like that. The show bridezilla gives brides such a bad name, and the word itsef makes me cringe. But the truth of the matter is that, women today have the right, just as much as our parents and grandparents did, to celebrate their marriage with all of their family and friends. It’s rediculous to lump all brides in together, calling all weddings wasteful, frivolous and unnecessary.
What about people with mansions and multiple cars and closets full of clothing and shoes that they don’t “need”? Each individual couple should be able to decide for themselves what is unneecessary for themselves. Sure a lot of weddings have the smae elements, because fundamentally weddings are so similar to one another, evolving through generations.
My fiance and I are throwing a wedding on a tiny budget (under 3k). We didn’t spends hundreds on letter press, I don’t have a gown that cost thousands, and we’re skipping a lot of things that we determined to ne unnecessary for us, not that someone else told us was unnecessary. And it I won 20 million dollars tomorrow, The only thing I might do different was hire a live band instead of doing an ipod reception. We’re in a state park for ceremony and reception with a BBQ buffet, and we love it. I wouldn’t change who I am, or what kind of wedding I have just because I have a lot of money.
The wedding industry has capitalized on the emotional aspect of weddings and marriages, but that’s the kind of society we live in. And I think that there are a lot of brides out there today who are doing what they can to cut across the grain and find some alternative way to do things without unthinkingly buying into the WIC. I think brides just need to have their eyes open, and know that they don’t “need” anything the WIC is selling. But if they want it, then who’s to say it’s wrong or unnecessary? Surely not me.
Living in the NY Metro area, there is little choice as to spending a relatively large amount of money for the wedding we will be having- medium-sized, not outlandish, but located at a hotel for our mostly out-of-town guests’ convenience. It’s just expensive here. Who are these people to castigate brides for simply paying the ridiculous going rate for standard wedding facilities, catering, etc?
I am not interested in being a fairy princess or any of that, but the costs are still outrageous for even the basics!
I also feel that the commenters tend to forget the societal aspect. Would your parents, family and friends ever forgive you if you eloped to save money on a wedding? I, personally, would never hear the end of it.
great post! i understand where the book and similar viewpoints are coming from, but as with so many things wedding, it’s a personal decision dependent upon innumerable factors. if someone wants to throw a lavish party and it’s not really hurting anyone else, well, then, why not? and if someone doesn’t want to spend their money that way and chooses to have a very simple ceremony, well, then, why not?
We get some negative comments about having a wedding-y wedding pretty often, and while I sometimes try to explain my rationale for this decision, there are other times I just smile and nod. There are so many reasons for us to have the wedding that we’re planning, and anyone who knows us well already knows what those reasons are. And- I TOTALLY agree with your ideas about the way the media portrays today’s brides! It was like you took the words right out of my mouth!
Wonderful post! Am looking forward to reading your rationale, and am looking forward to discussing this topic with the fiance tonight!
I agree, costs can be outrageous even for basics.
Yet I am one to think that most is just frivolous, but I don’t judge others that choose to have such a wedding, like I would hope that others wouldn’t judge me for having a ‘different’ wedding (no flowers, no cake, atypical meal, etc). Those that make those sort of comments will choose to go an atypical route too when and if they get married, but I hope that they don’t judge others (it’s cool to have an opinion, and I’m not saying that they shouldn’t have such an opinion).
Most of our choices are for our guests comfort, and my future husband is/has been helping with planning as much as I have. Again, to each their own.
Fab post, Miss Octopus! Seems like people can be quite judgmental of women they don’t even know (and the sweeping generalizations bug me, too!). Weddings are inherently about the commitment you’re making with your true love, but having a wedding is also a rite of passage. Throwing a huge party (that you can afford, I certainly think going into debt for the “wedding of your dreams” is quite silly) is a valid choice, just as running off to the courthouse is a valid choice. It’s not really anyone’s business how a couple chooses to spend their money!
Thanks for posting this!
I agree with all of the statements you quoted above, and I’m still have a weddingy-wedding.
Gender and the expectations that accompany it are socially constructed. Instead of blaming brides for their insane narcissism, the authors that you’ve quoted should be taking a closer look at American society and the pressures/demands placed on brides that compel them to look at this day as a performance of her taste, life choices, and beauty. Thinking historically, we don’t look back and blame nineteenth-century women who changed their dresses four times a day for being “narcissistic” — instead we lament the social expectations that caused them to feel as though they *needed* to change four times a day.
That’s truly the problem with modern weddings. Society, our families, the media, etc have taken away the illusion of consent. Brides feel either as though they *have* to have a traditional wedding to fulfill prevailing expectations OR as though if they do indeed have a traditional wedding that they are somehow selling out. I would suggest that a lot of this sense of “selling out” comes - perhaps even unconsciously - from not being comfortable with the particular gendering of weddings and the gender biases (inequities) undergirding them.
I can start by saying that I don’t really care what people think or say, and it is indeed true, I don’t care.
But I have a social scientist’s interest for how these “personal opinions” are determined by culture and cultural conditioning… so here it goes…
The people I’ve encountered can be grouped into 2 categories, the ones saying “why a wedding?” and the ones saying “so you are finally getting married”.
Given that I live in Italy, I hear “why a wedding” a lot less, because folks here are used at celebrating anything under the sun, and quite often the celebration is a food/outfit feast. It’s the main thing I like about people here… they always find a reason to dress up, eat and celebrate
I hear the “you are getting married finally” a lot more because here pressure to conform to the Italian ideal of woman (ie being a married woman) is a lot higher.
However, I belong to several English speaking bridal communities and I’ve got to admit that conformism, sadly, is a prerogative of many Americans as well, it’s just a different kind of conformism. Whereas Italians (and French people likewise) have a sense of grandeur in their celebration, Americans want stuff that look good but is cheap and, eventually, disposable. In fact, American brides are asked how much their budget is, something that here in Italy wouldn’t be asked, because they would be assumed to want to get the best value for their money no matter how much money they are willing to blow on a wedding.
The American bride, usually, tries to find a blueprint to follow, and then follows it, getting increasingly worried over what people will think of it, and seeking their approval. Also, more often than not, she’ll try to have more quantity than quality. It’s a monumental difference in worldview.
There is also another trend I’ve noticed among American brides… the so called “savvy” bride, the one who doesn’t like to spend at all, flaunt their deals all over the board and often make snarky remarks to whoever is spending more than they are willing to spend, saying stuff like “it’s just for a day” (and ultimately betraying a “disposable” mentality).
There really are few persons who really are genuinely an individual and doing things the way they like them, because they like them. And as I said at the beginning they shouldn’t bother thinking about what somebody else thinks!
Very thoughtful post, thank you. I’m also having a big wedding-y wedding, but in my small home town in SC, this is what is expected. The whole town thinks they should be invited. I guess I’m lucky that I have not run into this negativity. At the beginning of planning, my dad did offer a down payment on a house instead of a wedding. His offer sounds better and better..
Ouch! indeed. As if having fantasies and dreams of a luxurious affair is so wrong….We had the same discussion with some friends at dinner the other night. An older couple mocked today’s wedding industry and questioned “Whatever happened to just the man and the woman celebrating their union?” Another couple at the table chimed in “We just went to the worst self-congratulatory celebration. Ever. There were fireworks.”
There is indeed the pressure to have that once-in-a-lifetime, over-the-top affair with doves and horse drawn carriages. And I can see why the pressure element should/would be criticized. But I don’t think people should be demonizing a bride’s want of a fantastical, glorious day (as it’s within her right to define that in any way she chooses, whether beautifully, understated and intimate or grand and flourish-y). Perhaps it’s better to argue the point that a bride doesn’t need to succumb to the wedding industry pressure and to just make the wedding her own with or without all the extras, rather than pointing judging fingers and calling her egotistical if she does decide to go a more elaborate route.
I just wanted to say thanks for the well-written post that crisply brings to light this undercurrent/backlash that exists.
FI’s coworkers won’t stop telling him to not waste his money and not to get married. “Save your self the money weddings are expensive and so are divorces.” I understand that divorce rates are over 50% but I also understand that many people rush into it or do it for the wrong reasons. Also some people quickly opt for divorce to fix problems. Maybe if they made getting married as difficult as divorce only the people who truly want it will do it. I have been with FI for five years and in these five years we have been through so much together I feel that we can make it through anything. We have also lived together for over two years, I think I should know by now whether or not I can live with him for the rest of my life.
I think it is rude for people to put their nose where it doesn’t belong. My family is really excited and everyone wants to help it’s the acquaintances that make these comment. Bitter about their own failed marriages. One of FI’s other coworkers just got engaged he was talking to FI before he proposed and he told him that he feels like he owes it to her for sticking by him when he was unemployed. That he didn’t care if they did or didn’t get married but that is what she wants and he owes it to her. Ummm…not a good reason for getting married if you ask me and I wouldn’t want to marry my FI if that is how he felt.
I see nothing wrong with wanting to celebrate a huge moment in your life-and if you want fireworks, have fireworks. If you want a $6000 dress-get one and if those types of things offend some people, they have the choice to decline the invitation. I’m having the best time planning my wedding, I’m excited for my dress and to have some really awesome photos taken of FI and me, my guests are going to have dinner and top shelf open bar all night and I know everyone will have a great time. Can someone tell me why that is wrong? It’s the one time in our life where we get to do it up and celebrate something for a few days. Why does everyone want everything to be so depressing?
Talk about hitting a nail on the head and driving it down! Long while back in Chinese custom, the lavish party was done because the bride’s family was giving up their daughter and they wanted everyone to know that their daughter was marrying a good husband (not always the case) and it was their “going away” gift to their daughter. I’m it was similar it other customs as well. I personally thinks it’s up to each couples discretion of how big or small they want their wedding to be. Only they know their financial stand point and what is feasible versus not. Other should just be happy for them and move on! haha!
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Mrs. Octopus, Boston, MA/Pittsburgh, PA Age and Occupation: 25, Grad Student Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Graphics Operator for TV News Engagement Date: May 6th, 2009 Wedding Date: September 2010 Venue: Heinz Chapel Ceremony, Museum Reception About Me: When my best friend dragged me to a toga party in our freshmen year of college, I was not expecting to meet my future husband; but seven years later, here we are. I'm a crazy-organized planner at heart, and I am a great lover of random trivia, books, chocolate, blogs, new and exciting adventures, mockumentary-style television, and anything heavily flavored with bright orange fake cheese powder. We're planning a festive and fun mini-destination wedding in the place where we met: fabulous Pittsburgh, PA! I can't wait to marry the man I love!
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