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When I left off, I was contemplating the negative portrayal of modern brides and weddings that I’ve been noticing in the media and in my interactions with people. There seems to be a school of thought that says that most people throw big weddings for less-than-awesome reasons, or that the act of having a wedding itself is inherently wasteful and unnecessary.
But I think that it’s totally legit that Mr. Octopus and I decided to have the wedding we’re having. Yes, it’s going to be big, yes, it’s going to be what most people would consider traditional and what some might consider fancy, and yes, it’s going to be expensive. But I really believe that it was the best possible choice for us. Here is why:
Because I wanted to give this transition in our lives a heavy weight. Mr. O and I will have been together for eight years by the time we come up on our wedding day. We were boyfriend and girlfriend for a very, very long time, and becoming husband and wife feels like a major rite of passage to both of us. We both wanted a fairly long engagement (sixteen months) and a big wedding because we wanted to really feel this change.
Because I want to have a once-in-a-lifetime throw down of a party. Mr. O and I place a huge value on experiences. I have never once regretted spending money on having an amazing travel experience, going out to a really special meal, or otherwise doing something fun and interesting that I can look back on happily. Yes, we could put a down payment on a house with the money the wedding will cost, but having this one incredibly special experience instead of upgrading from our one-bedroom apartment outfitted in Craigslist-chic decor was more important to us right now. As one review of One Perfect Day put it, “weddings, unlike most other things we purchase, reliably deliver heart-stopping measures of joy.”
Plus, our people are spectacular partiers. I would never purposefully give up an opportunity to unleash my friends and family on some booze and a dance floor. It’s going to be epic.
So there you have it—the reasons for our wedding, none of which involve an elaborate performance art piece I’ve been concocting ever since I first laid eyes on a Barbie doll. This was a conscious and purposeful choice that Mr. O and I made with our families, fully aware that we had other options, but wanting this one the most. So in your face, anonymous Internet haterz!
How did you choose the type of wedding you’re having? What does it mean to you?
I have a very large family. Tons of cousins who are very close to one another. My wedding is large as a result of being brought up in a family where we share every event. I could have had a small wedding with just my immediate family, but I really do want to celebrate with all my aunts, uncles and cousins in the same way I have celebrated every other major event in my life. I dont feel bad about it at all. These are the same people who were there for my birthdays, every graduation through college, and will be there for any other event in my life. I feel like I would be doing them a disservice by not allowing them to participate in this day. My family loves weddings and loves celebrating ones new beginnings. They offer so much support and though it is more expensive because there is soo many of them, when you are used to seeing and being with them on a constant basis, it feels normal.
I dont understand this idea of having to feel bad that I want to celebrate with the people I love. Yes weddings are expensive, and yes there are people out there that lose sight of the meaning and just want to party, but I see this as a chance for my family and close friends to witness this new chapter in my life in the same way they were there for all the other chapters. I do not regret my decision one bit especially since I am not going crazy with things and people really have no expectations but to party.
Thank you Miss Octopus, my sentiments exactly! We feel the same way and this will *hopefully* be a once in a lifetime thing. So why not give ourselves the time, attention, and rocking party we deserve? We’ve been there for countless others and now its our time to celebrate our love in the same fashion, awesome post!!
I totally agree with what you’ve said! We “got married” on paper, went to the dmv, but now i am finally getting around to the wedding and people ask me why, but its like just getting the license doesn’t mean much to me, and i’ve been married on paper for 4 years, i just need to actually make a big deal of it!
I think your rationale for deciding to have the event you’re having sounds very well thought out. But I think you have a bit of a straw-man argument for the other side. It’s not just a question of how much it costs, but also how you are deciding to spend the money. Is the bride spending $1,500 on your dress, or more on two dresses (or three)?. How much is she spending to “look her best,” even if that means looking really different than she usually looks, like getting eyelash implants, hair extensions, a spray tan? I think these are the trends that are being critiqued in the NYT piece and One Perfect Day, not just the total cost at the end of the day.
We’re having a wedding instead of eloping because we want to share the experience with our families and have them witness our vows of love. And I think that it’s going to be expensive to do it, but I know that my definition of expensive is far less than most people’s ($10K versus, oh, $50K).
I know I will never regret gathering everyone we love to celebrate the beginning of our live together, and to treat them to a wonderful day full of merriment! I know I would probably regret not doing that though.
there are so many ways to celebrate this very important event, and i gotta say that my best reason was the party reason. when else do we get to gather so many loved ones and host a fabulous party? not everyone’s into that idea, but i certainly was!
Those are legit reasons. Underscoring the weight of this rite of passage and the high value of the experience are the two that resonate with me. Well-said, Miss O!
You’re absolutely in the right! I think it’s ridiculous that ppl critique others’ decisions on how to spend their money. It’s MY money and MY wedding, what’s it matter to you? We have a 3 year long engagement, just so we can save up enough to have a huge wedding in Korea, a huge reception in the states, and a 2 week honeymoon getaway! Sure I could keep both events small or spend less on things like my dress, but I don’t want to. And that’s that. I want to have my dream wedding, and my fiance doesn’t object (
he encourages it actually) so why should anyone else?
Very good! I particularly agree with the way that you wrote about “heavy weight” on the transition in your lives and the inclusion of family and friends.
@downarddog: I definitely appreciate your point, but I think that very, very often, the distinction between “brides who spend large amounts of money on their own beauty treatments” and “all brides” is not made in the media. And, in my case, it has not been made in the personal comments I’ve gotten….like I said in the last post, sweeping generalizations assuming that I’m going to turn into a narcissistic loon because I’m planning a wedding. And, I guess I just have to reiterate–why does it matter to anyone else how much a person spends on their wedding? If a bride’s got the money for three wedding dresses, who cares if she wears three wedding dresses?
this is how i feel. i wouldn’t ask someone to defend their reason why they chose not to have a wedding and it sucks that i have to defend my choice to have one
@Miss Octopus. Thanks for your response! I totally agree with you that most people outside of the planning process don’t distinguish between spending money on guest-oriented things and spending money on personal things. But I also think our personal wedding choices can end up putting pressure and expectation on others. Sure, it’s no big deal for one person to have three dresses, but if it becomes a trend, and it’s all over the wedding blogs how great it is, then brides who really can’t afford it may start to feel pressure. Pretty soon, when you go to David’s Bridal, they might start asking you how many dresses you’re shopping for (because of course they don’t mind if you buy a couple extra). So I do think that it’s more than just an individual decision, because a wedding is a public thing. I really appreciate you bringing this into the conversation and writing back.
I think your reasons are great. You definitely have your head on straight. 
I love your attitude! The “take that! this is what I want and it makes me happy” is wonderful to see and totally my opinion too!
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Mrs. Octopus, Boston, MA/Pittsburgh, PA Age and Occupation: 25, Grad Student Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Graphics Operator for TV News Engagement Date: May 6th, 2009 Wedding Date: September 2010 Venue: Heinz Chapel Ceremony, Museum Reception About Me: When my best friend dragged me to a toga party in our freshmen year of college, I was not expecting to meet my future husband; but seven years later, here we are. I'm a crazy-organized planner at heart, and I am a great lover of random trivia, books, chocolate, blogs, new and exciting adventures, mockumentary-style television, and anything heavily flavored with bright orange fake cheese powder. We're planning a festive and fun mini-destination wedding in the place where we met: fabulous Pittsburgh, PA! I can't wait to marry the man I love!
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