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Three months into our engagement I opened a big, icky, stinky can of worms. One Saturday, Mr. Seashell and I had plans to meet with the jeweler who made my engagement ring to begin the process of making our wedding bands. Let’s preface this by saying that I loved my engagement ring. My fiance did a stellar job. What is especially cool is that the jeweler cut the diamond from the original stone and made the setting from scratch.
(Personal Photo)
That’s the actual raw stone!
Which later became this:
(Personal Photo)
Initially, Mr. Seashell wanted to give me a three stone ring. We had both discussed the idea and agreed that we liked loved the way they looked. However, the jeweler who cut the diamond said that it was an injustice to the beauty of the stone to put anything beside it. So, at the time of purchase Mr. Seashell was convinced adding side stones was a huge mistake. (Side note: I was unaware of this conversation)
Fast forward a few months to an evening where we met a few friends for drinks at a bar. I met a few new people that night, among them a sweet girl named Laura who had recently gotten married. And she was flashing a killer 3 stone ring. I made a comment to my fiance that she had a gorgeous ring. That was all. Then, anticipating that I was going to stir the pot, the next morning I asked my fiance if we could consider the possibility of adding side stones to my ring.
HOLY (silent) MELTDOWN. There was no yelling, no tears, but a clear sense that I had crossed a serious line of ungratefulness. I had hurt Mr. Seashell’s feelings - big time. Moreover, it exposed some deeper-seated insecurities about our socio-economical upbringings. His family are quintessential hard-working middle classers, while I was raised in an environment where money was of less concern. Questions started to rise like, “Is nothing ever good enough for you?” and “How can I be everything you want?”… Oh, goodness. It turned into a big emotional conversation.
After all was said and done, my fiance reiterated to me our jeweler’s recommendation. He also agreed in not wanting to overshadow the beauty of the stone. But, at the risk of sounding spoiled, a 3 stone was what we both had our eye on from the beginning. In my heart I didn’t think I was out of line, but I can absolutely understand why he was hurt. An engagement ring is no small purchase and he most definitely put a lot of thought and love into it, which has not gone unnoticed. But was it ridiculous of me to say that maybe it’s not about what the jeweler thinks, but about what I want?
So, what was a girl to do? Should I have just keep my mouth shut and drop my dream for a 3-stone, or risk hurting my fiance’s feelings (yet again) at our appointment with the jeweler?
That’s a tough one…. Could you do a wedding ring that’s kind of a wrap with two stones giving you the effect you are looking for?
Could your wedding band be a two stone crap type dealio?! 
My ring was also not-exactly-what-WE-picked-out… I like my ring, but it’s not exactly what I wanted. I was able to find a wedding ring that emphasizes what I do like & downplays what I don’t. It’s a good solution for now but, honestly, I plan to broach the subject of a new setting someday… perhaps at our 5 year anniversary.
ehh touchy subject. i didnt have your problem because the ring that FH picked out was pretty much exactly what i had always imagined, but i dont know what i would do if i had looked down at that box and had a hideous ring in there - probably throw up a la Carrie from SATC.
but then again, its the ring your FH gave you and you should love it as is, maybe suggest a wedding band that is an enhancer? that kinda adds side stones without adding side stones literally?
i can see how he would be offended though. the ring is beautiful by itself - too much bling sometimes is a distraction….
good luck though!!!
An engagement ring is your fiancé’s gift to you, if you don’t think you can be happy with it on your finger for the next 50 years, you’re with the wrong man. You should be really proud to have such a beautiful ring on your finger and a man who loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Some of my single friends would cry at this blog entry.
What if you got a wedding band with two stones on the sides that makes the rings together look like a three stone? I don’t knwo if I’m explaining it very well, but the band would have two diamonds, with a space in the middle where your ring now fits int. Kind of a compromise… the ring stays the same, but with the two rings together, it’s the three stone you had both thought about.
Something along these lines (which, obviously could be done with just the two stones, not as many as this): http://www.andrewsjewelers.com/product_details.php?prodid=1166&scid=90&catid=28
If your “dream” for a certain kind of ring is more important to you than the feelings of your fiancé, then…well… I don’t understand the obsession for rings to begin with. They’re unbelievable expensive for something essentially useless, except for being *shiny*.
the above guest needs to chill it.
Your feelings about a gift say nothing about your feelings about the gift-giver.
Don’t feel guilty at all. The ring does not TRULY represent the depth of the engagement or relationship. It’s a piece of expensive jewelry worn to show your martial status. Nothing more, nothing less.
For what it’s worth, I think your fiance should be open to hearing you out and listening to your feelings. He may have paid for it, but your the one that has to wear it.
(for the record, I didn’t like my original custom ring because of how delicate it was, and so I bought a new, inexpensive, sturdier replacement ring. The original is reserved for special occasions.)
I have been married 30 years…I have the original ring my husband gave me, it’s a tiny diamond with a thin gold band. Most of my friends have changed their rings over the years but I never will. It is the ring my husband gave me, looking at it takes me back to the young couple we once were, and that ring has seen a few things during the years. It’s always been with me! Please consider the heart that picked out that ring and gave it to you. You will get other rings to wear…like my 30th birthday sapphire ring with diamonds!…in the future. My husband’s feelings would take precedence over a ring or gift any day of the week.
I understand what you mean but for me the fact that he’d chosen a ring he thought I’d like, I was just thrilled!!!
I probably wouldn’t have picked it myself but - hey ho I love it regardless!
maybe you could ask for an eternity ring after 5 years or even after you have a child????
Miss Seashell,
What do you admire about rings? If you admire size and style of ring, then 3 stones is ok. If you admire the sparkle and fire of the diamond, then I agree with your jeweler — the other stones will distract from the pure beauty of the diamond.
My opinion may be biased because I have a single stone. Everytime I look at my ring compared to my friends, their rings may have a fancier style, but my diamond sparkles more.
Also, it’s sad to say but money is a concern. Even looking through wedding magazines, I see things that are lovely but well out of my price range. I think a previous commenter had a good idea — start with one stone now, and upgrade in 5 years. I’ve heard of friends doing that.
Ultimately, it’s up to you. If you think it’ll bother you that much, maybe you can have a heart-to-heart with your fiance. You could explain to him how important it is to you. You could talk about where you could take that money from other parts of your budget.
I am probably from a similar socio-economic background as your fiance, and reading this post struck a chord. I really do understand that every girl has their “dream” ring (I do!), but to make it such a big deal that your ring doesn’t have the two extra stones after seeing your friend’s ring seems a little inconsiderate. Your fiance seemed to have put a whole lot of thought into getting a ring he’d thought you’d like. I think you should back off.
I agree with the jeweler. You don’t need more stones if you have one really nice one. Takes away from it.
Honestly…. I was kind of in the same boat as you…my fiance picked out a ring completely on his own….. at first when I got it, I found this to be “not the way I wanted” and that…. but after sitting back and rethinking the whole scenario, it started clicking that this is somethign that he picked out genuinely all on his own! He loved it and wants you to love it too.
I would stick with the engagement ring that he got you, and then choose or customize your on wedding band, You can add as much or less bling as you like to it.
Going back to the wrap, you can add two diamonds to the side of it without touching your engagement ring… a good jeweller can customize anything.
Good luck
Your ring should be the ring that YOU love. If he loves you, he will want you to have what makes you happy and will want you to smile when looking at your hand. Remember that at the end of the day, it’s not about the ring, it’s about the man and the marriage.
these are such personal situations and I think it’s an interesting issue that many engaged people go through. Thanks Seashell for bringing it up. There are so many posts about people loving everything and it’s important to represent all sides of the issue b/c lots of people can relate. I can’t wait to hear the rest of the story and see what you ended up doing.
Sometimes ringtalk gets people very excited (re: PP)! I think because an engagement ring is so personal, it’s easy to put your own personal ring-feelings on someone else’s story. To me, honesty, openness, and communication are important. That’s how you felt, and to me, voicing how you felt was important! It sounds like it was a good relationship-building experience (not being afraid to be honest and being receptive to your partner’s feelings - working out a touchy subject.) I say, that’s how you felt, and stuffing feelings is never a good idea. I’m sure you guys can work it out - and the two-stone wrap sounds like a great idea!. It’s not like you’re replacing the original stone (the most important part!) Good luck!
Thanks for sharing such an honest story. I think you have a good level head to carefully look at both your perspectives and to ask the question. Ultimately like all large decisions you two will make from here on out, I think you’ll want to Handel this with lots of conversation and respect for the others perspective.
I’m so sorry that you’re having doubts about your ring! But it is YOUR ring, nobody else should be passing judgement on what you do or do not want. I think of engagement and wedding rings like tattoos, it’s something that is going to be on you forever, you should be 100% happy with it! And not being happy with it in no way diminishes your love and appreciation for your fiance! He bought you a ring as a sign of his love, yes, but he doesn’t have to stare at it on his finger all day long.
I wonder if the nay-sayers would be so critical if you were talking about changing your ring to a three stone at your 5 year anniversary, when many women seem to upgrade. Probably not. The reality is, lots of women will change their ring at some point, it has nothing to do with not appreciating the significance of being given the ring in the first place! And especially when you and him had discussed a three stone and then it wasn’t what you got.
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Mrs. Seashell, Chicago, IL / Providence, RI Age and Occupation: 28, Marriage and Family Therapist Fiance's Age and Occupation: 31, Electrical Engineer Engagement Date: September 3, 2009 Wedding Date: September 2010 Venue: The Glen Manor House About Me: Fonts and fashion, stationery and Sundays, photography and french toast... the beauty is in the details for this fun-loving Chicagoan who loves to plan plan plan! The soon-to-be hubs plays "Mr. Fix-It" in our new condo while I swoon over beautiful, personalized stationery and choose shades of aubergine for my bridesmaids' dresses... and thus begins my new fairy tale! Skirting to the East Coast for our September nuptials where my home state of Rhode Island awaits with fall foliage, I'm just a few dress fittings and bachelorette party away from saying "I Do" to a very happy ending!
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