Weddingbee Blog

As a “military spouse”, one of the questions I frequently hear is: “How do you do it?” That question is usually followed by something along the lines of “I wouldn’t be able to do it. I freak out when my boyfriend/fiancé/husband is gone for even one night.” After I finish rolling my eyes (sorry), my answer tends to be: I do it because I have to. No one wants to be apart from their loved ones, but you just learn to deal with it.

This post is about dealing with military deployments. It’s been a long time coming and I’m sorry I didn’t write it sooner. I feel like it’s hard to write about this because everyone has such different experiences with deployments and I’m by no means an expert. I also think I’m extremely lucky because when Mr. Jellyfish deploys, it’s usually only for 2.5 months at a time, not 12-15 months like many other service members. So I think part of me felt guilty giving advice about how to deal with it, since I’m relatively fortunate. But I think it’s always nice to share our experiences and know that we aren’t alone in these things.

Our little family, at 5 AM the day Mr. Jelly deployed last year in November (we put the tree up early!).

How It Is:

First, I gotta say: it’s not easy. Mr. Jelly was gone on two deployments last year, and when he was home, he was gone on missions very frequently. We started adding it up once and realized he is gone around 220 days a year! Last year he missed every birthday and holiday, big and small, except for Thanksgiving. I’m not gonna lie – it sucked. But it does make having him around that much more special. And, an unexpected side-effect is that it’s made us more romantic. Mr. Jelly will write love letters—old-fashioned, hand-written love letters—when he’s deployed. He’ll send me cards just because. I’ll bake him cookies and send him care packages. He’ll squeeze in a phone call whenever he can. Even though we’re far apart, we find ways to feel close to one another. That being said, I still dread deployments every single time. So much so in fact, that I’ve started noticing a pattern when it comes to deployments. Shortly before Mr. Jelly deploys, I’ll start picking fights over little things. I don’t know if it’s just me pushing him away subconsciously, but I think it’s quite common. But realizing that it’s really just my coping mechanism—and not anything Mr. Jelly has done—and he has helped me to rein in those feelings and control my emotions better. I’ve also grown stronger because of deployments. I’ve started learning that no news is good news and I shouldn’t freak out when I don’t hear from him for a while (I’m just lucky that he even has the ability to call me!).

How I Deal:

I keep busy. Before Mr. Jelly leaves on a deployment, I make a “busy list” of things I hope to accomplish while he’s gone. These things vary from projects around the house, to taking up new hobbies/volunteering, to traveling and meeting up with friends I haven’t seen in a while. I basically try to ensure that all my weekends are planned out, so there isn’t too much time for sulking around the house feeling sad. I truly think the number one key to surviving deployments is to just keep busy. If we lived closer to a base, I’d probably get more involved in the spouses/family readiness groups. A family readiness group helps to keep the information flowing, organizes events such as fundraisers and gatherings for the soldiers and their families. Another thing that’s helped me is actively trying to make the best of it. Instead of focusing on how much it sucks, I try (and sometimes I have to try really, really hard) to see the glass half full. I try to view deployments as an opportunity to be more independent. For example, I’ve grown quite proud of my ability to travel alone, and I secretly kind of enjoy it! I also try to see the upsides to being by myself—the ability to eat frozen Trader Joe’s meals as much as I want, or attempt that crazy grapefruit diet that would never last with Mr. Jelly around, or to work late hours without feeling guilty. Another thing that helps is to have something to look forward to. During Mr. Jelly’s first deployment, we planned a trip to Hawaii with some friends for when he came back so I had that to look forward to and mentally prepare for while he was gone. For his second deployment, we were planning our civil ceremony and I was so excited to get to marry him shortly after he came home. It’s also helped us to create little rituals/routines we do while he’s deployed. For example, during his last deployment I took a picture of me and the pup every day that he was gone and emailed it to him. Even if he couldn’t check his email for a few days, he’d be able to see us every day and see our puppy grow. I also have a special pie I make every time he comes back from a long trip—it’s become a tradition! My last piece of advice is to be proud. When I get down, I think about how proud I am of Mr. Jelly for putting his life on the line to serve our country. I also feel proud of myself for being strong enough to support him while he’s away. There’s a reason for the saying that being a military wife is the hardest job in the military!

Welcoming him home from his first deployment. His hands were full, making it hard to jump-hug him… rookie mistake. He hasn’t made that mistake since!

I’d love to hear more about dealing with deployments/long-distance (though they are certainly not the same thing). How do you deal?