Warning: This Post is Rated R.

Warning: This Post is Rated R.

May 25th, 2010 @ 12:30 pm by Mrs. Hot Dog
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And by “R” I mean religious. ANND possibly not appropriate for children under the age of 17.

With less than 100 days (EEEEP!!!) to go before the wedding, I want to take a moment to talk about

SEX.

I was watching a new episode of my favorite guilty pleasure: “True Life” on MTV. This particular episode was about newlyweds. One couple had been in a long-distance relationship for 4 years. The other was a very religious couple who had abstained from sex until marriage. They hadn’t even kissed!

This got me thinking.

I grew up in a religiously divided home. My father has always been more “spiritual” than religious, but my mom was a Jehovah’s Witness and she raised me with the same faith. I don’t know how much everyone knows about this religion, but it is very strict and one of the predominant ideals is abstinence and sexual purity. Until I was 18 I was held to this standard. (I left the church with my mom when I was 18.)

Now, just because I was no longer “required” to remain abstinent doesn’t mean that I became *ahem* promiscuous or anything. But I did feel a lot more dating freedom and relief from the pressures put on courtship as a Jehovah’s Witness. It was still important to me wait until I fell in love with someone before I took it to that intimate level.

So, I dated. And I had sex. There, I said it. Then I met Mr. Hottie. We fell in love. And… we did it. There, I said it again. And I don’t regret it.

Before Mr. Hot Dizzle proposed, we had friends who got engaged. She is Catholic, he is not. They had been together for quite a while, living together as well. When they got engaged, she decided to practice complete abstinence until the wedding. Now, I’ve heard of “born-again virgins” or choosing to remain abstinent in a relationship even if you’d previously had sex with someone else. But this just seemed so silly. What was the point if you’d already slept together? It almost seemed unfair to him, since he doesn’t share the same faith.

When Mr. HD and I decided to get married I started to think about her decision. It also made me wonder if I’d made the right decision in not remaining “pure” until marriage.

There are so many different views on sex before marriage. After lots of thought and, yes, prayer, I feel that choosing abstinence at this point would be a little silly. We are not “religious”, and we are both comfortable with the decisions we’ve made. But now that I’ve thought about it, I have a much better idea of where she was coming from and why she made that decision.

Whew, that was a pretty loaded post. So, what are your views on this? I know this is a pretty heated topic, so be gentle.

Tags: cheyenne, relationships |

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70 Responses to “Warning: This Post is Rated R.”

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Member

Aleanan (message) 258 posts, Helper bee

My fiance and I have never had sex. *GASP* I know…I know…
Neither of us are virgins by ANY means but before we met each other each of us made a promise to ourselves and God that we would stay abstinent with the person that we were to marry.
My fiance is the one who pursued not have sex and I am so thankful for him. We have a special bond and respect for each other and we are growing close in ways that I never had with other relationships.
I must say…it sucks. But I know come September it will be worth it…at least I hope so

5/25/10 @ 12:53 pm (reply)

Member

Ms. Library (message) 1,250 posts, Bumble bee

Mr. Library and I are both virgins, and since we have been together since high school (8 years), we decided to honor his religious background through the years. My decision was based in a little bit of religion and personal standards, and his was totally religious. I’m just glad that we will be sharing the experience together.

5/25/10 @ 12:54 pm (reply)

Member

hotchildinthecity (message) 3,710 posts, Sugar bee

I’m a Catholic, albeit not a very strict one. And I’m a “try it before you buy it” type of girl. I just had similar conversation with FI the other day. We had known each other for about three weeks when we had sex for the first time. Honestly, if I hadn’t felt the sexual connection then, I probably wouldn’t have stuck around in the relationship. I mean sexual compatability is important to me, and we barely knew each other at that point! I’d hate to wait until we were married to find out that we were compatible in the bedroom. There are things that you can work on in that department but IMO, the attraction comes naturally.

And yes, I also don’t agree with the abstaining for a certain point before marriage if you’ve already had sex. I mean, what’s the point?

5/25/10 @ 12:55 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Taco (message) 950 posts, Busy bee

I personally think it’s odd to be a born-again virgin, of sorts. Seems almost like you’re pretending, um, stuff didn’t already happen, you know?

I never regretted not being “pure” until marriage, and I’m still wearing a white dress nonetheless. Hope it doesn’t burn off

5/25/10 @ 12:57 pm (reply)

Guest

Paone

I will wait til I’m married. I think that’s the surest and safest guarantee for me. Then you have your whole life to please and get to know each other.

5/25/10 @ 1:00 pm (reply)

Member

MissChirpie (message) 730 posts, Busy bee

I was raised in a very religious household as well. I was made to feel as though I would be a major disappointment to my parents if I had sex before I was married. Then my dad died when I was 16, and I struggled with my spirituality. I also met my high school sweetheart that year. He never really pressured me to have sex, and I really wanted to, but I was terrified. I was mostly terrified that I would be letting down God and my mother. I was seriously afraid that my mom would disown me if I had sex and she found out. When I was 18, and a senior in high school, I thought the best way to go about this would be to be honest with my mom. I told her I was thinking about having sex, and I asked to be allowed to go on birth control. This did not go over well. She basically re-fed me the whole waiting till I’m married philosophy and told me now way could I go on birth control. I waited until I graduated from high school, went to the doctor, got put on birth control by myself, and had sex for the first time with my high school sweetheart and bf of 3 years (he was a virgin too). We were in love, and it was special. We dated for another year before we broke up. Soon after, I met my fiance. We had sex pretty much right away, and he has been my only other sex partner. I don’t feel bad about my decisions, they were the right ones for me. I think that sex is an important part of a relationship and personally, I don’t think I could wait to find out about that until after I was married. I believe in doing what feels right, and this has felt right to me.

5/25/10 @ 1:04 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Octopus (message) 1,446 posts, Bumble bee

Good post, Miss Hot Dog! I, like hotchildinthecity, ascribe to the “try it before you buy it” theory. The funny thing is, Mr. O is my one and only–I never really intended for it to be that way, but when you meet your husband young, that’s how it works out!

5/25/10 @ 1:04 pm (reply)

Member

puzzle (message) 248 posts, Helper bee

hahha @MissTaco….please let us know if the dress does burn off! That’d be awful but might make for some ~sweet pics~

5/25/10 @ 1:07 pm (reply)

Member

ktisthatbees (message) 2,742 posts, Sugar bee

hmm, thought provoking post. I was raised like you were, Baptist though, and one of the cornerstones of relationships was practicing abstinence. I understood it, but to me, I think you should know whether or not you are compatible (in that sense) with the person you are going to marry. So, no I didn’t wait, and both me and the future hubby have slept with other people.

I considered not having sex until we got married once we became engaged. I somehow thought it might make the wedding night more special, but you make a good point that this would be unfair to him, since he doesn’t share my opinion on this.

My only thing is: the stress of always worrying about getting pregnant before we are married. We use “hats”, but it is still a constant worry every time my stomach feels a little iffy or something. I think, “oh my god am I pregnant?” yep I’m paranoid

5/25/10 @ 1:07 pm (reply)

10.

Member

spellbound (message) 81 posts, Worker bee

This is a very loaded post, and I don’t think there is ever a real black or white answer for anyone. For me, I feel there is an intimate bond you make with someone, and that’s definitely something I want to share with my future husband! While it’s not the most important part of a relationship, it’s definitely still a major factor. As long as you and yours are comfortable with your decision and in love, that’s all that matters! To each their own!

5/25/10 @ 1:08 pm (reply)

11.

Member

Rgeddy (message) 2,186 posts, Buzzing bee

I had never “gone all the way” until I got engaged. I was waiting but then upon being proposed to I decided it was okay since we were already going to spend the rest of our lives together.

5/25/10 @ 1:09 pm (reply)

12.

Member

Curlysue (message) 1,703 posts, Bumble bee

I too am the “try it before you buy it” but I wasn’t always that way. When I was in high school I wanted to wait. Even in my early 20’s I wanted to wait (because the guys I ended up dating during that time I quickly learned were losers in the first month and I kicked them to the curb!)…but eventually that changed. I’m human and eventually I couldn’t take it anymore (haha) when I was dating one of my former boyfriends and we did it. Do I regret it? No. I think people need to do what is right for them and this is what was right for me too. I have heard stories of women (online/magazines/and I know a few personally) who waited until marriage and they just were not sexually compatible AT. ALL. Like complete opposities. Yes, the relationship needs to be solid to make it through the ups and downs, but I firmly believe a healthy sexual relationship with your partner is extremely important.

5/25/10 @ 1:09 pm (reply)

13.

Member

CaligirlSM (message) 182 posts, Blushing bee

To each their own. If a person chooses to remain a virgin until they are married or are a born again virgin, who are we to judge? If that is what makes them comfortable and makes them feel content with their decision, then that is their right.

And to address the religious aspect of this post, what one person may deem as “very strict” as far as a person’s religious beliefs, another may not. One religion may be too much for you personally, but to another person, it is totally fine. That is why there are so many different religions and each person has a “choice” as to what they choose to belief and go along with.

5/25/10 @ 1:10 pm (reply)

14.

Member

tea (message) 7,288 posts, Bee Keeper

i understand the concept behind “born again virgins.” sometimes you do what you do and then you find yourself developing your own personal relationship with God and decide to follow those tenants. i don’t think you’re necessarily pretending stuff didn’t happen, you’re just making sure it doesn’t happen again.

i have no problem with the idea and i think, if done for the right reasons and both people are okay with the decision, is just fine.

5/25/10 @ 1:11 pm (reply)

15.

Member

ajkg25 (message) 27 posts, Newbee

This is really funny you post this. I have been having the same inner battle. We are engaged but won’t be married for over a year. We also live together. And as it may happen last Sunday’s sermon was on being obedient to god in the small ways. One of his examples was sexual sin since in the bible it is clearly stated that their should not be sex outside of the marriage bed. I am in the same boat that me and the FI have had sex (gasp I said it too). We now live together and basically our preacher indicated that couples who do this are rebelling against god….We didn’t go to church when we first were together and 5 months ago we started going. We both have asked for salvation, and want to serve the lord. So we are in a tight spot right now…to serve our earthly pleasures or to serve the lord? This is a converstion that me and my future hubby will talk about and make a decision.

5/25/10 @ 1:11 pm (reply)

16.

Member

Miss Spaghetti (message) 282 posts, Helper bee

I love it “try it before you buy it” that is exactly how I would describe it as well. I have had friends become “born agains” leading up to the wedding and I know for a fact that I can’t do such a thing although I’ve contemplated holding off a week or two before the wedding so that night makes it ’special’ but honestly it’s special regardless, ya know?!

5/25/10 @ 1:13 pm (reply)

17.

Member

puzzle (message) 248 posts, Helper bee

I didn’t wait and I never planned on waiting, despite my family’s religious beliefs. Our church even had a abstinence ceremony for the teens of my church to make their vow infront of the congregation. At the time, I thought that if sex is supposed to be so sacred and private, then standing up in front of 200 people to promise your choice is inappriopriate.
I don’t regret my decision. I’ve only been with FI and I think if anything, it has made our relationship better.

5/25/10 @ 1:14 pm (reply)

18.

Member

Leprechaun (message) 907 posts, Busy bee

Mr. Leprechaun and myself both decided to wait until we were married. Partly this was religiously-motivated (we are pretty serious Catholics), but it was also more practical. Both of our moms got pregnant before they were married, and we both grew up hearing lectures about how hard it is to raise a family before you are ready. They sunk in! When we started dating at 19, neither of us was really ready to have sex or take the risk of starting a family; by the time we were, we had already waited so long that we decided to wait until marriage. We seriously discussed changing our policy when we got engaged, but I think I’ll be glad that we waited.

5/25/10 @ 1:15 pm (reply)

19.

Member

puzzle (message) 248 posts, Helper bee

@ktisthatbees - I’m 100% with you on the pregnancy paranoia. That is the only thing that i find to be a negative.

5/25/10 @ 1:17 pm (reply)

20.

Member

MJogan (message) 124 posts, Blushing bee

Thanks for posting on this. Very interesting. I saw the same True Life. They hadn’t even so much as kissed before their wedding.

Towards the end of the show, that bride made a comment, she said (to the best of my memory) that being intimate was the last missing piece of the puzzle and that it had brought them closer as a couple. That I think is the key wether you abstain or not before the wedding, how you deal with issues surrounding sex as a couple can make or break your relationship.

I agree that being a “born again” virgin before your wedding strikes me as odd, but if it’s their decision as a couple, who am I to judge?

5/25/10 @ 1:17 pm (reply)

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