Equinox Love: Reticence

Equinox Love: Reticence

May 25th, 2010 @ 3:01 pm by Mrs. Bear Cub
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Hmm… over three months since my last post. I haven’t really been on my blogging game, have I? I’ve wanted so dearly to share with you our wedding. I’ve composed entire recap posts in my head - the good, the quirky, the unmatched love. But every time I spin the story in my mind’s eye, I find myself saddened by the handful of ways in which our wedding embodied anything but love. The painful memories burn in spite of the overwhelming adoration.

But I have to be real. I could gloss over our wedding with just the pictures, but then where would the soul be? Even the best wedding pictures can only aspire to capture the ecstatic and schizophrenic thoughts coursing through the minds of the bride and groom on the day of their wedding.

To wit: I cried on the morning of our wedding day. Not because I was overcome by the sight of my gown. Not because my groom sent me words of love. I cried on the morning of our wedding day because the previously misplaced decorative lighting had just been found. LIGHTING. I had wanted to create a perfect mood for our wedding dinner, but in its place I had fostered a sour mood over misplaced light bulbs. I cried because I was so immensely grateful that someone came to my rescue, that someone understood my need for… light bulbs.

I am very embarrassed that I let myself care so much about something so insignificant.

Or rather, I wish I could reconcile within myself a personal battle. I am a highly sensitive person, and throughout my life I have attempted to please everyone before myself. For our wedding, I wanted (just once) for the people around me to show me they were trying to understand me and my wishes and intents as I have attempted to do for them in the past.

This is difficult territory to tread. On one side of the battlefront, I wish I had had help and emotional support in certain instances from specific people. On the other, I feel ashamed for even thinking these ungrateful thoughts. We already had so much help in building our wedding day - it wouldn’t have come to fruition without the hard work of our friends and family.

And yet, there’s a strangely sour tone to my memory of our wedding. I could have handled things better, taken over more tasks myself (could I?), I could have been more magnanimous in the face of my social anxiety (maybe?), … I could have taken more deep breaths.

When it comes down to it, your wedding is the embodiment of your life and all the characters in it (even some you didn’t know were in it!). You can try to rebuild old bridges among family members, and you can try to fully embrace your growing family of friends. You must, however, take these few days in your life in stride. They are only a few steps (however large) in the journey that is your joined life with your husband. Own these days for all they are, the good and the bad, but don’t let them decide ad infinitum your life’s path - this you have the power to continuously sculpt, with your new partner by your side.

My point in all this is that I’ve been reticent to post about our wedding. I would be lying to myself, and I’d be lying to you if I said that everything went swimmingly. Everything didn’t go swimmingly, mostly because I was stretched immeasurably thin.

Despite this reticence, our wedding was irreplaceable - I deeply cherish my memories. The lows, however infrequent yet painful upon hindsight, cast the highs in euphoric relief.

Tags: emotional, portland |

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30 Responses to “Equinox Love: Reticence”

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Member

bridecat (message) 355 posts, Helper bee

Bear cub - sorry things didn’t go as you hoped. It can take a while to push those thoughts behind you and it sounds like you have good perspective on it now. Anyways, it is the start of a good marriage like you said. Here’s some support from the hive - looking forward to seeing pics!

5/25/10 @ 3:28 pm (reply)

Member

thebriz (message) 448 posts, Helper bee

I think that you think the wedding is an embodiment of your life speaks to some of your sensitive/anxiety issues. My marriage is the embodiment of my life - my wedding, it’s just a means to an end. And believe me, I’ve had my moments, but no matter what happens (wedding in 5 days), that’s not what defines my marriage, myself, or what will be my family.

So you cried a bit, just be grateful you had a good support system, your day came and went without major hiccups, and enjoy married life.

5/25/10 @ 3:32 pm (reply)

Bee

Mrs. Bear Cub (message) 1,566 posts, Bumble bee

@thebriz: You obviously didn’t read my full post, and just skimmed it. I DO NOT think that a wedding is the embodiment of my life - only a small slice of it, magnified for a very short time. (ie, weddings are crazy, and bring out the craziest parts in people.)

Do you think that I don’t currently enjoy married life? I’ve spent the last 8 months doing nothing but enjoy married life. I’m over the small upsets of my wedding. I felt it important, however, to include in my recaps, for the sake of honesty.

Maybe I shouldn’t be fully honest about my wedding day in my recaps. Or maybe I shouldn’t even bother with recaps, since you wish to judge my life without ever having met me in real life.

5/25/10 @ 3:59 pm (reply)

Member

brittanymichelle (message) 878 posts, Busy bee

oh poor bear cub, well at least you have realized some important things and have gave some of us some insight into what it is really like. i am a very sensitive person, and have found myself thinking things that i wouldn’t normally think, not always sensible either. i think this will help me look at the big picture, and just live it up and make sure to surround myself with love and friendship, and try to not fret the smaller things(even though they seem so large at the time!) i hope i understood your post right… but with bride brain i often misread things also..

5/25/10 @ 4:13 pm (reply)

Member

kayakgirl73 (message) 2,478 posts, Buzzing bee

Mrs. Bear Cub,

Please continue to be in honest in your recaps. We need it. I had issues on my wedding day and sometimes I think I’m the only one that happened to, even though I know it’s not true. I don’t wish bad things on anyone else but it’s nice to hear that things didn’t go as planned for others. My biggest issue is my photos and the weather that screwed up timelines and photos. Also my Aunt who was supposed to coordinate being very un-coordinated at times. I do enjoy and love married life even thugh it was a big change. Glad to have you back and bring on the recaps.

5/25/10 @ 4:17 pm (reply)

Member

dddd89 (message) 496 posts, Helper bee

I really enjoyed the slide show that you shared with us back in January and if you feel up to it, I would very much look forward to more! I don’t mind reading the less than perfect stuff from the bees because it reminds me that real life is not perfect.

5/25/10 @ 4:21 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Pretzel (message) 1,899 posts, Buzzing bee

@Mrs. Bear Cub: Bear Cub! I love your honesty. Love love love the openness and the thoughtfulness that you put into your posts. I can appreciate the amount of personal reflection that you must have had to go through to help orient your thoughts for this post. Please don’t pull any punches with us. Love you posts, hope to see more

5/25/10 @ 4:24 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Hot Dog (message) 317 posts, Helper bee

I am really looking forward to your recaps, in all their brutally-honest glory You have such great insights and I love this post.

5/25/10 @ 4:30 pm (reply)

Member

codydidwhat (message) 132 posts, Blushing bee

Bear Cub PLEASE keep posting your recaps with all the honesty that you are willing to share. I have been so excited about your wedding (and may have stalked other sites to see some of your pictures - also Kat took my e-pics and told me a little about your wedding weekend and I’m really excited to have a similar weekend wedding type feel). I also imagine I will be having increased family craziness to deal with and it’s nice to know others have been there. So excited to see a post by you and really hope to see more!

5/25/10 @ 4:33 pm (reply)

10.

Bee

Mrs. French Bulldog (message) 7,706 posts, Bumble Beekeeper

@Mrs. Bear Cub: I too love your honesty! For a few months after our wedding I had a sour taste about a few things too. Crazy relatives, ungrateful guests, irresponsible vendors… anyway I can relate. It’s take me a while to look back on our wedding and not see the bad, but I can now I focus on all the good and the WONDERFUL that came from that day - being married to Mr Frenchie! Take the time you need and tell the story how you see fit ((HUGS))

5/25/10 @ 4:35 pm (reply)

11.

Bee

Miss Socks (message) 1,344 posts, Bumble bee

Like Pretzel, I also love your honesty. Sometimes I’m sure it’s tempting to gloss over some of the imperfections, but the reality is that weddings aren’t perfect and sometimes you need to be a little sad about it. We spend so much time looking forward to the day, and while it doesn’t define our whole lives, it is definitely a major part of our lives right now!

I can’t wait to hear more, and keep up the honesty. You deserve to feel however you want to feel, and don’t let any comments dissuade you from more posts!

5/25/10 @ 4:37 pm (reply)

12.

Guest

Kate

Mrs Bear Cub,

I hope this doesn’t seem weird, but I was wondering if you might have been feeling something like this… I had been so looking forward to your recaps, (I think we had a similar vision for what our weddings would look like, except mine was in the mountains, in a field,) and with each passing month, I was starting to think that you might be feeling a bit of sadness, or disappointment…

And I think what some people don’t realise, (particularly that one poster above that you responded to,) is that it’s NOT just about the vision of your wedding versus the reality. Not at all. It’s about feeling the support and love and help from the people that are supposed to surround you with that armour on your wedding day. I also felt sadness and a bit of loss after my wedding. I tried to fight that feeling so much, for I really wanted to believe that I had the perfect wedding. Heck, everyone does, right? But in all truth, I didn’t feel that in the initial aftermath. I am also a person that is always a people pleaser, wants everyone around them to be okay, and is conscientious and caring and giving when it comes to other people in my life. Probably too much so, as I was rather taken aback and hurt when I didn’t feel it in return from some people I had really been counting on. I had hoped that people would respect our wishes, our vision of our wedding, and love us not just in spite of, but for it. We bent over backwards trying to make everyone happy.

When the wedding day came, I think I was a wreck, looking back. I had hardly slept, had bent over backwards to meet everyone else’s needs, and was fraught. I was in tears all morning, just from the sheer overwhelming exhaustion – physically and emotionally. Then, I bucked up, told myself to enjoy it, and had the day of my life. And I loved it. Loved our wedding. I can’t say I ever felt that giddy feeling of overwhelming joy, (you know the kind – when it feels like it’s just bubbling up and out of you,) but I felt happy, proud, content, and loved. It wasn’t the best day of my life, (I almost feel guilty saying that, but I now believe the best day of my life is still ahead - when my husband and I renew our vows in our field, just the two of us, perhaps on our anniversary, or when we welcome our first child) but it was one of the most powerful experiences I have ever had. I really feel like it marked the end of one life, and the creation of our family. And for that, it was all worth it.

Now, I look back and love the whole wedding. Everything else has started to fade to black, all the emotions, the drama, and the missed opportunities, and instead, I remember my husband. And the way he looked at me on that day. And still does. And dancing with my friends and family members. The true ones.

In many ways, the wedding was a weeding out process for me. I learnt about who I really want in my life, and what I really want in my life.

I hope dearly that you continue with your recaps. And people need to hear this truth. Because so many times, the story behind the beautiful pictures isn’t so beautiful. And this is what creates these unrealistic expectations for women of the perfect wedding day… and then afterwards, no one is courageous enough to talk about it.

And you are very awesome for admitting your embarrassment about the lighting. But I’m sure at that point, it wasn’t at all about the lighting, you know? (Suddenly reminded of The Break-Up movie – it’s not about the lemons! – grin.) So give yourself a break. You deserve it.

Thank you for being brave. And honest.

I’ll be reading.

5/25/10 @ 4:49 pm (reply)

13.

Bee

Mrs. Bear Cub (message) 1,566 posts, Bumble bee

@Kate: omg, can I hug you? Kindred spirit! I feel like you have read my mind, or were in my mind on my wedding day. thank you!

5/25/10 @ 4:57 pm (reply)

14.

Member

hrev2010 (message) 416 posts, Helper bee

I love your honesty as well! While the wedding is a big day it’s the marriage that reallyl matters and you seem to be enjoying it with your husband!

5/25/10 @ 5:03 pm (reply)

15.

Bee

Mrs. Pug (message) 3,754 posts, Honey bee

thank you for your honesty, bear cub. i hope that the recap process helps you work through some of these feelings, and help you think of the wedding as a whole and the beautiful day that it was. i think these are important issues and a lot of people deal with them, so i’m very much looking forward to your posts! no pressure!!! heehee.

5/25/10 @ 5:23 pm (reply)

16.

Guest

banana

Dear Bear Cub, I don’t post on here often, but I want to say that you are one of the bees that I most relate to and feel like if we knew each other in real life we would be friends!! (I swear I’m not stalking you, I just think you’re super cool). That being said, I really appreciate you wearing your heart on your sleeve and letting us know how you felt. I hope you continue with your recaps honestly and thanks for sharing such an intimate day with us! We love you!!

5/25/10 @ 5:53 pm (reply)

17.

Member

amariem25 (message) 3,753 posts, Honey bee

I’m right there with you girl! Our wedding day was great and perfect but some people said some hurtful things afterward and complained a lot about it. Now whenever I think about the wedding day those hurtful things cloud my memories of all the good things that happened. It has made it hard for me to do my recaps on my blog too. And it has made it super hard for me to talk to the people who were supposed to love me but just complained instead. How can I face them again when they were so mean and talked about our wedding behind our backs?

5/25/10 @ 6:52 pm (reply)

18.

Bee

Miss Cardigan (message) 8,645 posts, Bumble Beekeeper

Thank you SO MUCH for being so honest! I think it’s so helpful to brides who may not feel all sunshine and rainbows about their wedding, and that’s bound to happen.

5/25/10 @ 7:09 pm (reply)

19.

Bee

Mrs. Spaniel (message) 6,809 posts, Busy Beekeeper

This post resonates very strongly with me, and I’m glad you wrote it. I’m not sure I have the guts to write my version. Thank you for sharing!!

5/25/10 @ 7:37 pm (reply)

20.

Member

Jamielee (message) 142 posts, Blushing bee

Hi Mrs. Bearcub! You’ve always been one of my favorite bees.. I have really been looking forward to your recaps! The question I ask myself after reading your post is “how could any of us NOT expect to possibly cry over something “trivial,” or be dissapointed by an aspect or a guest or an expectation that just didn’t happen?” I’d rather go into my wedding day fully mentally prepared for the possible emotions and hardships, so that when they do occur, and I have to deal with them, I can think at that moment “you know what.. this happens.. but there’s a happy ending.” And your posts will do that if you keep them honest. We build off of your experiences.. that’s the nature of The ‘Bee:)

5/25/10 @ 7:39 pm (reply)

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