My Fiancee is a Woman

My Fiancee is a Woman

June 3rd, 2010 @ 11:19 am by Ms Seahorse
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One thing I’ve been meaning to write about for a while is the way being engaged has changed my ability to/ the necessity of coming out to people on a regular basis. I don’t mean “coming out” in a big huge way, like, “Wow I finally came out to my family and it was big and huge.” I mean coming out in the little ways that happen almost in passing, with people who don’t really matter, like conversations I used to have at work: “Oh, you and your boyfriend are moving in together, and he’s bringing a dog and you’re bringing a cat? Yeah, my girlfriend and I did that, and they get along fine now.” You can substitute “girlfriend” for “partner”, but it still leaves (I think) a pretty distinct impression of who my person is, gender-wise.

Once we became “officially” engaged, Fancee was no longer my girlfriend, but my fiancee. Interestingly, when spoken, fiancee (for a woman) sounds exactly like fiance (for a man). It’s a fun little temporary game where I know I’m not coming out every time I mention Fancee, as long as I avoid pronouns… or just mutter them. In fact, sometimes I’ll just skip over them.

“Oh yeah, my fiancèe is currently unemployed.”
“Oh, what does he do for work?”

“Used to work in nonprofit development, but now *mumble* is looking for …” etc.

Depending on who it is, I will correct them – “Oh, SHE used to work in nonprofit development…” – but more often then not, I just move along and sort of marvel at the assumptions people make. It’s not that I don’t want people to know I’m dating a woman; it’s more that they don’t need to know, and it’s an interesting sort of social experiment to watch their reactions and my reactions in the whole conversation. Plus, in slightly less than 6 months, this game will be over – “wife” is not a very gender-neutral term. Again, it’s not that I’m trying to hide anything – it’s just that this is the one little stretch of time that I feel I have honest control over this. And I’d also like to say I don’t always do this – it’s just interesting to be able to decide who does and doesn’t get to know without feeling like I’m lying.

What would you do in this situation? Have you dealt with this at all? How would you deal with it, whichever side of the conversation you’re on? I’m curious…

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15 Responses to “My Fiancee is a Woman”

Member

farmersdaughter (message) 1,675 posts, Bumble bee

I’m not sure how I would handle being on your side of the conversation - it probably would just depend on how I’m feeling that day and whether its worth it to me in that moment to correct them or subtly “come out.” As far as being on the other side of the conversation - I’ll be honest, in day-to-day life, if a woman mentions her fiance(e) to me, I typically would assume it is a man (unless I already know she is gay.) It is certainly not with any intention of being disrespectful, I think its because I am straight, and I’m caught up in my own experience, and 9 out of 10 of the couples that I know are straight. Your post is a good reminder to not assume - thank you!

6/3/10 @ 11:55 am (reply)

Guest

morningdove

Also, have you considered the possibility that some people may be “fishing” for your response out of respect? Perhaps (rather than being all nosy/impolite and flat-out asking you if you’re gay) that they may be looking to you to clarify in a situation like this?

I like to think that I celebrate the gay friends that I have (though hard as I might try, as a straight woman I think its probably unlikely that I completely understand what it’s like and where they’re coming from.) But I don’t think I would ever assume someone I’d just met, or didn’t know was (or might be) gay unless they told me so. I could totally see “fishing” for hints, however!

6/3/10 @ 12:11 pm (reply)

Member

dookie32 (message) 176 posts, Blushing bee

I think you are probably handling it the right way by not correcting people (strangers making small talk) that don’t need to know. Yes, we all shouldn’t assume anything in this day and age, but the reality is that most people do and they are not intentionally trying to be homophobic or disrepectful when they assume you are marrying a man. I think it just makes the other person feel really terrible and awkward when they probably were just trying to make polite conversation. So, I say just let it pass and when it needs to be addressed, address it. I don’t think you are hiding who you are or anything by not coming out and saying “why did you assume my fiancee is a man??” Just my 2 cents :).

6/3/10 @ 12:13 pm (reply)

Member

ebs1123 (message) 355 posts, Helper bee

It makes sense to me that you’d avoid the small corrections with people you won’t see again, but I’d caution you against always avoiding them. I know that I would make the same assumption as many of your contacts seem to you when you say fiancé and, since I’m wrong, I’d prefer to be corrected if I’m going to see you again. It makes me know you better (which is good, right?) and any small change is helping advance the elimination of these assumptions!

6/3/10 @ 12:28 pm (reply)

Guest

Calendar

i agree with @dookie32 and @ebs1123.

@Miss Seahorse, i have noticed more than once, you have commented on getting reactions out of people or judging their reactions - dress/suit shopping, searching for vendors, and now this post to name a few - i know you are a young-ish bride, and i do hope that your “reaction-fishing” is your way of simply testing the waters with your potential vendors, etc., and it’s not because you are feeling insecure or expecting a very specific reaction in return.

i say this because several of my own friends have faced many challenges in their own wedding planning journey (”too” young, interracial, mixed religion, re-marriage) and they have learned that, although it is important for your vendors to back you, it will become frustrating and close to impossible for everyone to have the reactions you hope for.

that being said, and to touch back on dookie’s post, i would bet a large portion of these people are not trying to be homophobic or disrespectful. by times it almost seems like you are scared there is homophobia around every corner and wonderfully enough, there isn’t! just remember for your own sanity’s sake, this day is about you and fancee, and if you face the wedding world like any other bride (straight, gay, 18, 80, the list goes on…) i do believe you will be helping expand the scope of anyone who is narrow-minded and treat it like it ain’t no thang.

6/3/10 @ 1:08 pm (reply)

Guest

Jennifer

It is a tricky path for the casual conversations (people who are really a part of your life I think are an easier call) - on the one hand, if you’re just making small talk with a customer, random person at a party, etc., it could feel like oversharing or risking opening a huge discussion when really you’re just trying to politely pass the time. On the other hand, the more people are corrected on their incorrect assumptions, the more people will stop making those assumptions all the time.

6/3/10 @ 1:55 pm (reply)

Member

RecessionistaBride (message) 5,018 posts, Bee Keeper

I think you’re smart to avoid all the corrections & small talk (I do that often because my name is always pronounced incorrectly). You aren’t hiding the fact that your FI is a woman, you’re just keeping it on a need to know basis. No lying involved.

I think the best person to talk to about this is your FI. How does she respond in these types of situations? Is she okay with people assuming you’re engaged to a man? You two know best! Enlightening post though! I’ll try not to assume anymore

6/3/10 @ 2:03 pm (reply)

Guest

Asia

I completely one hundred percent agree with calendar! Everyone is different. Everyone has struggles. But sometimes, the pressure of past experiences with other people’s reactions to out differences can really start to affect our perception of people as a whole. Start with the assumption that other people don’t think anything different/odd/negative about you at all. It might lead to some unpleasant surprises, but it might also be a huge relief! Best wishes

6/3/10 @ 2:55 pm (reply)

Guest

Christine

I don’t think you owe it to anyone to correct them, but I think a little correction is good. It gets people thinking (who might not have before), “hey this cool-seeming friend, acquaintance, stranger is gay and that’s okay!”

On the other hand, if I didn’t know you and you mentioned your fiance, I would use the term “he” just because I would rather be corrected and told, “no she” (to which I can say: rock on!), than “dude I’m straight.” Plus, the majority of couples I know are straight in my community, so there is that.

I love your posts, you’re one my very favorite bees.

6/3/10 @ 3:02 pm (reply)

10.

Guest

Anvera

Well… what I understand from this posts is that it’s bad/may cause the wrong reaction to correct people when they assume your Fiancee is a man. If you’re gay and proud of it… who cares?Just go ahead and subtly correct them. If they’re strangers and you’re concerned about a weird reaction, then steer the conversation away from the wedding topic. You shouldn’t be afraid to tell people who you’re getting married to. Jmho.

6/3/10 @ 3:31 pm (reply)

11.

Member

jduck84 (message) 1,529 posts, Bumble bee

I didn’t get the sense that you’re saying people are intentionally being disrespectful or homophobic when they assume you’re marrying a man, as some of the previous commenters have posted… it’s just noticing that people make assumptions, and it’s on you to “correct” them, which can get tiring?

This isn’t the same thing, but this reminds me of when strangers or acquaintances will ask me where I’m from, out of the blue. If I tell them Minnesota, they ask me where I’m really from. I don’t feel like I have to hide where my family and I are from, but at the same time, the fact that people ask me randomly where I’m from reminds me that I’m “Other.” And that can be annoying and confusing, because I’m not ashamed of who I am, but it’s kind of a rude question in certain contexts… yeah. I’ll get off my soap box now.

6/3/10 @ 4:32 pm (reply)

12.

Bee

Miss Seahorse (message) 156 posts, Blushing bee

I think that my post may have been a bit misunderstood… I’m not at all trying to say, “Woe is me, I’m gay and my life is so hard” - and I’m so sorry if this was read that way! Rather I find it interesting to *have* the ability to make the honest choice who does and doesn’t know. Some days it’s everyone, some days it’s no one, most days it truly doesn’t matter. What I marvel at is that this is the one point in my life where I can make that decision without lying (saying boyfriend or husband or he). An interesting change, where I don’t have to hold my breath nervously when talking to some people, like my supervisor’s supervisor or the visiting doctor.

It’s an excellent point that coming out to strangers casually simply increases visibility - “Here I am, I’m normal, I’m nice, it’s really no big deal I’m gay, have a nice day.” I love that!

Calendar, I do know I write a lot about other people’s reactions in this big ol’ wedding planning process. I hadn’t thought about how it must seem like a lot compared to other writers who don’t mention it nearly as much. I think that this is, at least in part, because I am surprised to be so *aware* of people’s reactions - this is certainly not something I really expected to be so “on” about when I considered wedding planning. The fact is that it does come up, and it’s interesting, and I think about it, so I write about it. And sometimes I am scared there is homophobia around every corner - there is, around a lot of corners! But you’re right, not all of them. Something to remember.

Thanks for reading, everyone!

6/3/10 @ 8:45 pm (reply)

13.

Guest

Sarah

Miss Seahorse, love your posts! I think what you’re talking about is similar to deciding whether or not to correct people who assume you are already married. My boyfriend and I lived together for years before getting engaged, and it could be awkward when someone I’d just met would refer to him as my husband. It was hard not to feel like I was lying, or hiding something, if I didn’t correct them, but ultimately I decided it was easier to just let it slide sometimes. Basically, I got stuck answering nosy questions from strangers a few times too many (i.e. why are you not married yet? Are your parent’s really on board with this? etc.) and I figured the occasional white lie was fine!

6/4/10 @ 7:19 pm (reply)

14.

Guest

Chelsea S.

Miss Seahorse… I LOVE your posts! In a world where all mainstream wedding crap is geared toward straight people, I was so excited when you started posting, as I am engaged to a woman as well! I’m not saying woe is me either, but seriously all of the wedding targeted emails I get talking about me and my future husband start to annoy a (gay) girl.

Anyway… that’s another topic. As for this one, I see these moments as opportunities to enlighten, educate, and dis-spell myths about gay people one person at a time.

I totally look like a straight girl, and am only ever outed when I’m literally holding hands or canoodling with my woman. I’ve been talking about my “girlfriend” for ages before we got engaged, and people always assumed I was talking about a girl who is my friend. Not a lover/significant other/potential life partner. I’d always set them straight (ha!), and then all of a sudden fiancée replaced girlfriend, and everyone wanted to know about my future husband. And the coming out dance changed.

But, I still do try to come out as often as possible because I feel that it normalizes gayness for more people. Case in point: I was on an airplane to LA a few weekends ago and this dude sat next to me (it was a SW flight) and we started chatting. I didn’t shout “I’m gay!” right away, even though he had that look in his eye like “hey baby”, but instead started talking about my fiancée without using gender pronouns. Then I slowly shifted into using “her” and “she” and her girly name, and he didn’t really seem to care or notice that much. A couple minutes later, however, he told me that his sister just came out (she’s 20) and his family was upset and he just wanted to accept her but he’d never known a gay person before and he had all these questions. Seahorse - it was like I was placed in his path to help him deal with his questions about his sister!

So, that just sealed the deal for me. It can be a pain in the butt to always come out (I can’t wait to just say wife and be done with it!), but it’s great for making people know that we mean (marriage) business!

6/14/10 @ 8:05 pm (reply)

15.

Bee

Miss Seahorse (message) 156 posts, Blushing bee

Chelsea - thanks so much for your comment! That’s a really good point, about coming out to people and helping them realize we’re here and it’s okay and about being able to answer their questions. I am also looking forward to saying wife… not much ambiguity in that one!

6/15/10 @ 8:38 am (reply)