Basking, Savoring, Luxuriating

Basking, Savoring, Luxuriating

June 4th, 2010 @ 10:44 am by Ms Seahorse
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As a real, live, card-carrying lesbian (yes, it’s true! You come out and you actually get a card! What, you never got yours?), I may or may not have a tendency to over-discuss things. Or, one could argue, discuss things to a healthy extent. Let’s just say that communication is one of our strong points.

But one thing that getting married and planning a marriage – not just a wedding – is making us do is discuss our relationship and our future in a way that I’m not sure we otherwise would. On Wednesday we decided to get started on this whole vow-writing thing. I think that we will be combining our own vows with some traditional vows and some non-traditional wedding readings with some that you might expect to hear. But step one is figure out how to write your own vows. We followed some instructions that we found online, starting with making a list of things that we love about each other, and then making a list of things that we bring to the relationship or that we want to promise.

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Fancee makes a heart to symbolize our looooove (barf)

We went up to one of our favorite spots in town and spread out a blanket by the pond. We got distracted when we noticed that there were turtles and frogs in the water, but once we got over the excitement of that (OMG! it’s really summer!), we got to work writing our own private lists. And then we shared our lists, lying in the sun. And I wasn’t even thinking, ‘Wow this is what we’ll say on our wedding day,’ and I still teared up. It was wonderful to hear us saying the same things and different things. I love where things line up, and where they don’t.

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How could you not get distracted by this?!

After sharing our lists, we put those aside and went through some worksheets that we found online. They’re intended for UU ministers to use when doing premarital counseling for same-gendered couples, but our minister isn’t using it so we figured we’d just go ahead and discuss ourselves. We ended up doing a worksheet where we individually answered questions like, “how much development do you need in your relationship for… having and enjoying friends together and separately? Sharing spiritual life? Observing birthdays and other important rituals?”

I think we were on the same page for most of our answers, but when we were off at all, we talked about what we wanted and why, and what might be missing. It was really interesting to have things brought up for us, and to not just talk about these issues when they are issues. It was interesting to see where our perspectives were similar and different – for example, I said that I didn’t feel we need much development in sharing a spiritual life, because my spiritual life feels personal, and going to church feels like something I do for myself as an individual – not something I do, necessarily, in the context of my relationship. Fancee, on the other hand, said that she felt this needed some/much development, because she would like to find a spiritual home for us. And it turns out that I agree – I had just been thinking of it more for me than for us.

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I don’t know how all of these things would come up if we didn’t have a form to sit down and fill out… I’m sure they would come up eventually. But I love learning about her, and about us, in this way. It seems crazy to me that some couples don’t do this kind of exploring before they get married.

One thing I realized is that I want to keep doing this after we get married. To sit down, at least once a year, and say, “How are we doing on these issues? Where do we need development? How are you feeling?” Getting married makes you slow down and revel in the relationship, if you’re doing it right (I think!). But what about after you’re married? How do you hold onto this connection and make sure you’re facing the same directions together? It seems like marriage is a built in institution within a relationship for this, but what about after marriage?

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Anyway, I’m enjoying being here, now – and I’m excited to figure out how we’ll be wherever we are next.

P.S. Happy 2 year anniversary of the day we spent sitting next to each other at work acting like we didn’t feel actual electricity between us, and then abandoned all sanity to spend the evening together. This is the best adventure.

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10 Responses to “Basking, Savoring, Luxuriating”

Bee

Mrs. Perfume (message) 2,253 posts, Buzzing bee

Happy two year anniversary of your meeting! Your caption crack me up!

6/4/10 @ 11:18 am (reply)

Bee

Miss Frog (message) 505 posts, Busy bee

Great post - we are in the midst of doing this too. I love hearing how others are going through the process.

6/4/10 @ 11:23 am (reply)

Bee

Miss Trail Mix (message) 6,328 posts, Bee Keeper

Awww, so sweet! It’s such a good idea to have these kinds of talks while planning the wedding, it gives the ceremony so much more weight and meaning…

6/4/10 @ 11:27 am (reply)

Member

alivoo01 (message) 2,622 posts, Sugar bee

Aw… happy 2-year anniversary!

6/4/10 @ 11:49 am (reply)

Member

jordanrae (message) 9 posts, Newbee

i, too, am amazed that more people do not have the sort of discussions you two are having now before the “possible” issues become actual issues. i think its a very mature decision to acknowledge that for a marriage to last, it requires work and effort. i would be interested to know where you found the worksheets, so i can check them out

happy 2 year anniversary as well…i love how you call your relationship an adventure! such a great way of looking at it

6/4/10 @ 12:09 pm (reply)

Bee

Mrs. Pencils (message) 1,027 posts, Bumble bee

What a great post- Mr. P and I had a very similar discussion just this last week and it felt SO AWESOME. Happy two year anni!!!!!

6/4/10 @ 12:16 pm (reply)

Member

winter (message) 1,333 posts, Bumble bee

that was something very nice to do and wonderful. My husband and I talked about these things too and we are still working on them while we are three months into marriage! lol but happy 2 year anniversary!

6/4/10 @ 12:34 pm (reply)