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It seems that every bride-to-be grapples with the question of name change, and I am no exception.
For most of my life, I assumed I would change my name when I got married.
However, it’s easy peasy to make a decision before you’re actually faced with it. When I got engaged, I realized that I was actually about to really change my name. All of a sudden, my last name was my whole identity - my connection to my family, my familial history, my own past (what to do with the hundreds of high school shirts that have my last name on the back!). His last name is much more popular than mine, my name would be far less original. Would changing my name mean that I was breaking a connection to my family, and joining Mr. Hermit Crab’s? And why did I have to change my name - couldn’t he?
I thought about this a lot over the first few months that we were engaged. I spoke to everyone I could about why they had or had not changed their name. I had a long conversation with Mr. Hermit Crab about it, and I thought some more. Finally, I concluded that I should, and would, change my name. My connections to my own family will not be broken, and I will not be “more” in Mr. Hermit Crab’s family than my own. However, Mr. Hermit Crab and I were going to create a new family together, and this name would represent us. I am not going to lose any part of my identity. Before the wedding, we will look like this:
And after we will look like this:
(Just kidding!)
(All photos are personal photos)
I am going to be the same “me”, we are going to be the same “us”, just newly joined together in marriage. I am happy to have come to a decision that feels right for me, I know it is different for everyone. It’s a wonderful things and I’m very much looking forward to it!
Have you decided if you will change your name or not? Was it a difficult decision?
i had that feeling before i got married as well, but then I realized that it is something that we can do together and be a family together. esp when we have kids. we will all have the same name
I’ve always been committed to the idea of changing my name. I felt strongly about having the same last name as my children, and generally liked the idea in general. However, as time to make the change has grown closer, I’ve gotten really sentimental! Just a few weeks ago Mr. Seashell and I were at the airport and I got quite sad about pulling out my license and thinking that I’d travel only a few more times with my “old” name.
Thank you for your post I have been struggling with this subject lately. I want to take my fiance’s name, but was afraid to lose my own. You are right, I will be the same person with the same family and gaining more family members who are wonderful. I cannot wait to take his name because it unites us more as a family.
I’m currently in the middle of trying to figure this one out for myself. It’s so hard…
I really love my last name. My dad died when I was only 16, and my last name reminds me of him. However, when my mother re-married and took my step-dad’s last name I would run into difficulties with my mother having a different last name than me. People thought she was only my step-mom or my legal guardian. It disconnected her from me a bit. I don’t want my kids to not be immediately associated with me because of different last names, so I am changing mine to my FI’s. However, I do think that it is a bit unfair. Personally, I would have loved it if my FI had been willing to take my last name, however, he is not.
it’s so hard! i just went through this, too since there are only two other people with my last name (my parents). when we applied for our license yesterday i found out that i couldn’t change it the way i wanted to… so i had to decide what i was doing right then and there. i decided i couldn’t totally let go of my last name, so i moved it to my middle name. which probably wouldn’t be that weird to most people, except that i’m really sad to lose me original middle name. and my maiden name is hypenated, so i know have a really weird hypenated middle name. i’m still deciding if i’m ok with it or if i’ll go through all the complicatedness of doing a formal name change afterwards. why do these things have to be complicated? i guess it’s better than having a double hypenated last name!
that’s a really nice way to think about it! i kinda like the idea of the whole family unit having the last name, but i’m way too lazy to change my name.
You literally took the words out of my mind and wrote them in your post! I’m thinking about compromising and moving my maiden name to my middle and taking on his last since I don’t have a middle name! Plus, I would go by the full name via Jennifer Love Hewitt style. I like the idea of our kids having the same last name as mom and dad.
I am from Costa Rica and we do not change names. We have “full” names which mean i have 2 last names. My father first and then my moms. My daughter has both my hubbys last name and mine. This is the same for all latin countries as far as i know.
I love reading about many things that are different from my culture 
I like my last name on general principle, but for me it’s an easy decision because I still carry the same last name as my father, and we have been estranged for years. Changing my name will be that final severed tie from ‘that life’ and the years of emotional damage.
PS: Adriana, I also love learning new things about cultures other than my own. I love this idea…a true ‘marriage’ of names :).
I’m just way too attached to my last name to change it without feeling seriously resentful of my boy. If anything, it would cause less unity between us for me to have to go through that when he doesn’t. I told him I’d only consider changing if he did the same… so both hyphenate, both take a new middle, etc, would be ok.
I’m also seriously annoyed at the idea that if we do have kids, I have to go through pregnancy, childbirth, etc. No way they get his last name (both maybe but not just his) after that! We didn’t really discuss this, though… I can’t even handle plants, let alone children. Ugh.
I’ve had friends that have done every possible option, except the one that I plan to do. I’ve had friends just change their name, I have a friend that didn’t change anything, and I have a friend where they both changed their names to a combination of their last names. I will be legally changing my last name so that in all social and personal situations I’ll be a T; however professionally I’ll be keeping my maiden name. In the work that I do it seemed to make the most sense. His family is rather well known and I’d like to distance myself from them when I’m working. I also like that my last name is pretty common and therefore it’ll make me harder to find should a client start to dislike me.
I really think all options are valid ones, and feel really lucky that we even get the opportunity to make any choice on the issue.
We plan on changing my name….like you my name is way less common than my FIs (his is super common, its kinda ridic) I do feel like I will be losing something because my name has always been a difficult one to spell, pronounce and heck even looking at it could confuse someone. My name is going to be super plain too and probably generic, but it’s his name and I will be his wife so I will be happy nonetheless.
@SuperBrook: I am actually planning on doing that too! So you will not be alone. But you’re right, I don’t know many people who do that. I am a blogger and writer and have literally hundreds of Google results that I don’t want to lose! I want to publish consistently under one name. However, I want my children to have that connection with both their parents, so that is why I am going to change my name.
I wish it was more PC to have a man change his name to the woman’s, but it isn’t and I would expect that people would start calling me Mrs. Maiden Name and then I would start thinking I was my mother! So I just don’t think society is set up for that right now. It’s a shame, but I don’t want to constantly be correcting people either.
I’ve thought about this so much! I absolutely love my last name. It’s not at all original. It’s the most common last name in the US- Smith! My Grandpa always told this story though. Everyone in the world started as a Smith and over the course of time some were deemed not good enough and so they had to change. Eventually some earned the right to return and married in. So, yeah. It’s a silly story but it’s made me so attached to my name. I do love the idea of taking my husband’s name though. So torn!
In the end, I think I’ll probably keep Smith as a second middle name. I’ve contemplated giving it to my kids as their middle name. Either that or I marry another Smith. I’m actually not related to very many at all. (:
When we got engaged, I decided to change my name to his. I like his name. It’s still an unusual name, I think it goes well with my first name, I don’t have any family members to worry about having a connection to, he does. We won’t have kids so there’s no fuss about what name to pass along.
It all made logical sense. I told him I’d do it, I was content, he was happy.
Until months down the road when it kept niggling at the back of my mind that I’m not sure I really do want to change my name. Of course now that means backtracking, and he’s not entirely happy that it’s being brought up like this, but I don’t want to do it if I’m not completely happy with it. And I don’t feel like I am anymore. Logic can’t compare with emotion in this case.
My mom kept her maiden name when my parents got married, and besides a few brief “oh are your parents divorced?” “no, my mom kept her maiden name” exchanges, I never felt any less close to my mom or like we had any less of a wonderful, loving relationship.
I’m getting married in (yikes!) 6 weeks and I’m in serious limbo about this issue. I have a really awesome last name; it makes people laugh when they realize that it is, in fact, pronounced the way it looks. That used to embarrass me as a kid, but I now love the instant ice-breaker when I meet new people. My fiance’s last name is super common - think something like “Smith”. To be blunt, I just don’t really want that name.
Initially i was definitely going to change because I wanted the same name as my kids, yada-yada-yada. But just last week I asked my mom if she ever regretted not changing her name and without missing a beat, she said no. I can’t say for sure, but I’m pretty sure I’ll regret losing my last name. I don’t feel like we were any less of a family or like my mom loved me any less because we had different last names. Just my experience.
Oh, and making it my middle name isn’t really an option because I’m pretty attached to my middle name too. There are 2 or 3 nicknames that my dad has for me that involve my middle name and I want to keep it. So, at this point, I think I’m set on keeping it.
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Mrs. Hermit Crab, New York, NY Age and Occupation: 24, Youth Director soon to be Grad Student Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Medical Student - soon to be Surgery Resident Engagement Date: October 11, 2008 Wedding Date: June 2010 Venue: New York Botanical Garden About Me: I love all things food, books, our furbaby, Rashi, and adventures with my amazing fiance (oh, and saving the world!). This summer I will not only be a bride, but a bridesmaid, officiant, and attendee as well---it's all about weddings in my life right now, full of so many exciting moments and projects. We're planning a fab New York City wedding weekend full of family, love and lots of color!
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