Weddingbee Blog

One of the things I love most about my job is that I get to spend a lot of time pondering about relationships during the day and can genuinely write it off as “work” or “research” for my clients. One of my favorite areas of study is that of attraction - what draws people together, statistically what characteristics work and why, and how we determine predictors of marital success. I am particularly fascinated by birth order. (It’s kind of like astrology but oh-so-slightly more scientific.)

Your birth order falls into one of four categories: first born, middle, last born or only. (And, if you’re one of 5 children then your family has 3 “middles”.) According to Popular Science here are some birth order characteristics:

• First Borns: Natural Leader, High Achiever, Organized, On-time, Responsible, Energetic, Logical, Ambitious, Enterprising, Scholarly
• Middle Children: Flexible, Easy-Going, Social, Diplomatic, Rebellious, Attention-seeking, Competitive, Peacemaker, Independent
• Last Born: Risk takers, Outgoing, Creative, Idealist, Good sense of humor, Immature, Secretive, Sensitive, Carefree
• Only Children: Mature, Dependable, Get along well with older people, Responsible, Leader, Perfectionist, High Expectations, Unforgiving. Only children tend to be a special breed in that they can share the common personality traits of any of the above 3 main birth orders. However, they are generally more aligned with the traits of the first born.

Dr. Kevin Leman wrote the book, “The Birth Order Connection”. Here’s how he conceptualizes compatibility by birth order combinations:

Only child and youngest; first-born and youngest; middle child and youngest: Gender plays a role here, but for the absolute best match, pair the female only child or first-born female with a male youngest child who has older sisters.

First-born married to a first-born: If you take a look at the personality traits described above, it stands to reason that this pairing has potential for high friction. Typically both partners are head-strong, domineering, and like to be in control. A pro is that first-borns are exceptional nurturers.

First-born married to a middle child: The middle child is a superb negotiator and can thus be a good partner for almost anyone. However, the first born can be domineering and may be somewhat intimidating to the middle child. However, if the middle child has last born tendencies in his/her personality, the pairing can be a good one.

First-born married to the last-born: This relationship is an excellent combination because the two can learn from each other. The first-born can teach the last-born how to be better organized and more responsible. On the other hand, the last-born can teach the first-born to loosen up and enjoy life a little more.

Middle child married to a middle child: This pairing can go either way. If one of the middle-born partners has first-born tendencies and one has last-born tendencies, this can be a good love match. However, if both have the characteristic secretive qualities, communication can be an issue. Interestingly, this match has the least chance of marital infidelity.

Middle child married to last born: This pairing will necessitate the middle child having some of the first-born tendencies in order to be successful, and will be even better if this individual is a female. If both share the characteristic behaviors of the last born, there could be trouble in paradise, most notably the tendency to be irresponsible.

Last born married to a last born: This pairing might be a little too fun. In the long run life could become out of control without having at least one individual prone to taking charge.

For combinations not listed above, here’s a quiz that also takes gender into account. It lists Mr. Seashell and me as an ideal match. Random quiz, I thank you.

Of course, family circumstance and life changes and challenges as well as individual traits effect our personality most. I consider birth order a kind of fun additional way to conceptualize the characteristics each partner brings to a relationship.

What do you think of this? Where do you and your partner fit? Are you two middles? A first and last born? An only and a youngest?