Understanding Topanga

Understanding Topanga

June 17th, 2010 @ 6:33 pm by Ms Seahorse
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Hi Blogland.

Here is a thought that I had: The blogs that I most enjoy reading are the ones in which the writer opens up a little, shares enough personal information to be interesting, and is candid about things. So – deep breath – here is some information that is personal, hopefully interesting, and feels candid.

Last month, my parents separated.

This is not a place for me to talk about what happened for them or their reasons or what is happening now between them or even between each of them and me. But this is a place, I think, for me to say that this is something that is happening, and that it is hard.

My senior year of college, I lived with my roommate from freshman year (she’s now in Africa and is bringing me a lion cub as a wedding present, of course) and two friends who had been in a long-distance relationship for two years and were now moving in together – with us. This was a huge adjustment for all of us.

Their relationship had its ups and downs and its occasionally audible sex (sorry!), and it was the first relationship that I saw from this perspective besides my parents’. It’s not often that you get to see couples in their nice clothes and their pajamas, at their good points and bad points and boring old “you clean up dinner while I do my homework” points.

There are some “do”s and “don’t”s that you take from different relationships that you see, and I took a lot of “don’t”s from that one, and a “do” or two. One thing that’s really hard right now is that I took from my parents’ relationship pretty much all “do”s and only one or two “don’t”s. Their relationship has been one I admired and even, to some extent, idolized.

When my parents stopped living together, my sister called me* and said, “Remember that episode of Boy Meets World, when Topanga’s (OMG, remember Topanga??) parents come to visit her at college and tell her they’re getting a divorce and then she calls off the engagement with Cory and leaves for a while? I never understood that. But now I do.”

And I do, too, though please don’t think that that is what is going to happen. But I get that the relationship between her parents was one that probably many of her other relationships were based on in some way, and that now it has ended, and she had no control and no say and no way to know what really happened and ensure that whatever it was wasn’t going to happen in her relationship. Of course she had to take a break.

I’ve pretty much reverted to being sixteen years old, all the time. Angsty teenage Bird, here I am. I am getting mad because Fancee didn’t make dinner, or because she made the wrong thing for dinner, or because she did make dinner, or because she did or didn’t walk the dog or did or didn’t call me. She pretty much can’t do anything right by me right now. And despite my fairly constant frustration and snippiness, she is still here. She is still making dinner and walking the dog—or not—and she is doing a damn good job walking away from me when I am trying to engage her in some argument over something completely, absolutely not worth arguing about. She is keeping our sanity in this move, and she is making sure that I am okay all the time. Even when I’m being a big old jerk. She is even helping me carry my crazy heavy kayak all the way down our road to the water and then hanging out with our poorly behaved dog for half an hour so I can paddle around before she helps me carry it home.

I don’t think I will ever know exactly what is happening between my parents, because how can anyone know the intimacy and intricacies of someone else’s relationship? It has certainly been here for my whole life, but I have definitely not been here for its whole life.

What I’m trying to focus on are the things I do know are issues, and how they might affect me, and if I might have similar habits or tendencies, and how to avoid or deal with those things before they become problems in my relationship. I am trying to talk to Fancee about what is happening and how she feels about it, when I’m feeling like I’m at least a little older than 16. And I am trusting that if we can get through all of this together, we are starting things the right way.

Words of advice, blogland?

*Having a sister is absolutely amazing when hard family things happen. Thanks, sister.

Understanding Topanga : wedding boston family relationships 16 1

my sister and me, ages 2 and 4

Understanding Topanga : wedding boston family relationships 26 2

Us, twenty years later!

Understanding Topanga : wedding boston family relationships 34 3

My sister on my brother’s back, and my brother on mine. My parents make beautiful/ um… interesting children.

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44 Responses to “Understanding Topanga”

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Bee

Miss Taco (message) 950 posts, Busy bee

I think having siblings will help immensely. Talk it out, including on Weddingbee

As someone who doesn’t have siblings, I can only imagine how valuable they are when shit hits the fan.

6/17/10 @ 6:50 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Taco (message) 950 posts, Busy bee

Also! Never stop talking to Fancee. Ever!

6/17/10 @ 6:51 pm (reply)

Member

Ms. E (message) 132 posts, Blushing bee

I totally understand what you are going through, cuz it happened to me too. My parents split up pretty much at the same time as when my FI and I realized and recognized openly that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.

My only advice would be to not feel like you have to apologize for your emotions or hide them. Feel them, express them, and get it all out. It’s hard losing your relationship role models, but you’ll get over it. I actually feel even more confident now in my relationship with my FI than before because I see all the ways in which we are making sure our marriage won’t go down the same path as my parents’.

6/17/10 @ 6:57 pm (reply)

Member

SandraMarie_1986 (message) 1,363 posts, Bumble bee

I thought this blog was incredibly personal. I completely agree that if you and Fancee can talk about things and if she’s supportive and is handling this situation as best as she can for you and is there to help and support you, then I think you two will be fabulous together and can make it work. Life is hard and it’s scary when that foundation we thought we had begins to crumble, it’s nice to know we still have people to hold us up like Fancee and your sister.

P.S. I think it’s great she helps you carry the kayak up and down. She knows it’s something you love and that it could help you relax and burn off some steam and help you to maybe think about problems on your mind. She’s there waiting for you when you need her…that’s what counts the most.

6/17/10 @ 6:59 pm (reply)

Member

jmc (message) 882 posts, Busy bee

Seahorse, I am so sorry your family is going through this.
It is so disorienting when a relationship you really admired turns out to be not as strong as you thought.

Here is my advice: be nicer to each other than you are to anyone else; never snipe at each other, and if you do, apologize right away (preferably with hugs and kisses); remember that you are a team of two.

6/17/10 @ 7:05 pm (reply)

Hostess

naangel55 (message) 3,054 posts, Sugar bee

I immediately thought of Topanga from Boy Meets World when I read the title
I really appreciate your honest and personal post and I hope it will help many others. I think its good that are at least aware of how this is affecting you and working to change it. Best wishes!

6/17/10 @ 7:21 pm (reply)

Member

sapphirebride (message) 1,747 posts, Bumble bee

I watched a friend deal with her parents getting divorced and it was very, very ugly. Your words help because I’ve never been totally able to understand why the person she was changed so much while she was dealing with this. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

6/17/10 @ 7:44 pm (reply)

Member

GatorKate (message) 115 posts, Blushing bee

Miss Seahorse, I’m sorry to hear that your family is going through this. To be honest all I know about is divorce is from situations I wasn’t involved in until after the fact. All I can really recommend is being open and honest and talking about your emotions with Fancee, even if it’s hard sometimes. My boyfriend’s parents divorced nearly 15 years ago, and even though he was only around 7 at the time he got put in the middle of his parents, and never got to express his emotions the way he should have. It effected him in the long run, and is still something that we have to work through as a couple now. Open, honest communication is the key to going through a situation like this and coming out on the other side as a happy, healthy person.

6/17/10 @ 7:45 pm (reply)

Member

D.Marie (message) 2,484 posts, Buzzing bee

It def takes a village to get through tough times. I was in high school when my parents divorced and it was ugly. But fast forward about 10 yrs later, my mom is remarried, my dad is dating, and they still make me crazy…thats why parents do best! It was still hard on me even though my parents didnt have the best relationship…they were still my parents. And my sisters and I didnt have the best relationship either. I was so happy to go and get away when I went to college and my friends were the ones who helped me through it.

Like others said talk it out with your sister and brother, and your fancee. This is what love is about, the good and the bad. Going through this will make your relationship stronger and you will get through it.

Ps Sorry that your going through this and going through it while planning your wedding.

6/17/10 @ 7:53 pm (reply)

10.

Guest

Nancy

I can totally relate to what you are going through as my parents divorced before my wedding. Although I never looked up to their marriage, I still went through so many emotions and fears about my own relationship as a result.

I am so, so relieved to hear about your relationship with your sister as this too was about the only thing that got me through the divorce issues.

My advice for dealing with the divorce: find something else to focus on that will distract you from the divorce (maybe something besides wedding planning), set boundaries with your parents (eg, “Mom, I don’t want to hear about you and Dad’s sex life and why it caused issues in your relationship”), and talk to your sister as much as you need to (basically, my sister and I acted as each other’s therapists!)

Trust me, it gets better. But - dude - it really really sucks, it’s scary, and it might feel dark for a while. Know that the light exists at the end.

6/17/10 @ 8:07 pm (reply)

11.

Bee

Miss Cardigan (message) 8,645 posts, Bee Keeper

It’s always great to have siblings when stuff like this happens - sisters are the best. I think that you and Fancee have such a special relationship, and I can really tell that you guys work SO hard at your relationship, and that’s so important and I think it will help immensely. Never stop talking to her about what you’re going through, and don’t be afraid to be upset about it. It’s natural for this to be hard for you, and it’s okay. Let yourself get upset and don’t hold it all in - Fancee is there for you to talk to and she’ll be there to help you get through this! Of course, we’re always here too.

6/17/10 @ 8:10 pm (reply)

12.

Member

HolyVowels (message) 338 posts, Helper bee

You are very lucky to have your sister, and might I say you two are adorable. I had to go at it alone. I had to be an adult, not be scared, an only child when my parents divorced when I was ten. I am sure it’s not easy at any age, but being a scared 10 year old wasn’t easy. Having to go to a lawyer and plead my case of why I wanted to live with my father instead of my mother… It was just a “grow up quick fast” situation. What I’ve tried to do is… learn from it. It did not make me wary of or jaded about love (after I grew up)… it made me that much more aware. I looked at all the negative parts of their relationship and tried to learn from them, and not make the same mistakes. It’s hard to look at your parents through cracked glass, but sometimes it’s necessary. Don’t be fearful of your relationship, don’t be fearful of future holidays, birthdays, family functions. Things have a funny way of working themselves out.

6/17/10 @ 8:23 pm (reply)

13.

Guest

LindenTree

Three months ago, my parents announced they were getting divorced. My family was (is?) the MOST important thing in my life, and in less than 30 seconds, the foundation that I built EVERYTHING on came crumbling down. My parents were married for 34 years - and they did a great job of hiding their problems. I was pretty much blindsided. I thought I’d someday ship my future children off to visit their grandparents, show my kids my childhood home, and continue happy family vacations. Not so much, anymore.

It would be easier, I think, if their divorce was by mutual agreement, but it’s enough to say that it’s not, and there are other people involved. It’s difficult to take your parents off a pedestal when they’ve been your role model for morality and a sterling example of a “good marriage.”

My own marriage isn’t yet two years old. It really sucks to see the template you’ve used for your own life turn out to be so obviously unsuitable. We’re doing fine, and my husband is very understanding, but it’s stressed us in ways that I could easily do without.

Everybody says it gets easier, and you get used to it, so I’m optimistically looking forward to that!

6/17/10 @ 8:39 pm (reply)

14.

Member

tea (message) 7,288 posts, Bee Keeper

situations like this make siblings the best thing ever.

6/17/10 @ 8:55 pm (reply)

15.

Guest

Amy

Thanks for this post- my parents are still together but there’s been tension building for the last two years between them (they’ve been married for 37 years and have always been my relationship role models). Now they constantly argue. My sister, as well, has been a great source of support- I’m so glad to have her. Hang in there!

6/17/10 @ 9:07 pm (reply)

16.

Member

ktbrady (message) 1,054 posts, Bumble bee

Hi Miss Seahorse. My parents divorced when I was 6, but now my mother and step-dad are separating…and my sister (half sister, so it’s her parents who are separating) just graduated high school last week, so, needless to say, there are a lot of changes in our household. I definitely understand what you are going through. It made me question what marriage is, what forever is, what forever-ever is (ok, just kidding now, had to incorporate some OutKast here), and it has also led to some difficult moments where I am SO HAPPY and my mom is SO UNHAPPY.

Hang in there, and know that you are yourself - you do not have to make the same decisions, choices, or mistakes that your parents made. This was big for me, because I know I am so like my mom in both good ways and bad…and it’s the bad ways that I am actively working on to make my relationship stronger.

Hope this is helpful in some way, if only to just let you know that you are not alone out here in blog land!

6/17/10 @ 9:33 pm (reply)

17.

Bee

Mrs. Mouse (message) 5,844 posts, Bee Keeper

I’m sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Lucky for you, you have Fancee, who is such a great support for you. Thanks for sharing, Miss Seahorse!

6/17/10 @ 9:36 pm (reply)

18.

Member

MsEucalyptus (message) 107 posts, Blushing bee

Oh my gosh, Thank you for this Miss Seahorse! I’ve been going though a lot of life changes lately (all good things) and your post keyed me into the fact that my man’s parents are having trouble. My parents had some serious issues growing up so I tend to ignore other peoples family problems because it hurts me to remember and sometimes it just feels like ‘been there, done that.” (maybe just self preservation but probably just selfishness) So I’ve been ignoring what’s going on with his family, changing the subject because it’s uncomfortable to me. I just realized that it’s probably been hurting him too. I asked him about it before posting this, he’s not ready to talk about his feelings yet but I understand somethings a little better and his motives from doing them.

So…..thank you, thank you, thank you! How could I not have noticed?

I don’t have any new advise to you, jmc already said it. In my home town they have a bilboard up for the healthy marriage inititive that asked kids how to make a marrige work and the bilboard just says, ‘Be nice, duh!’ I smile everytime I see it because it’s the most simple of advise but it’s so true.

My parents have had and still do struggle with their relationship. I got a lot of DON’Ts from them but there’s one thing my mother taught me that I will always remember. My dad once was trying to pick a fight with her for days, angry about everything. My mom instead of fighting back ignored it for a long time even though she was frustrated and he was trying to hurt her. I asked why she didn’t just give it back to him. She said, ‘Sometimes the people who need love the most are the ones that deserve it the least.” That day, even though he’d been a jerk to her, my mom made him a dinner that he loved, sat next to him, asked him how is day went, comiserated with him, smiled at him like he hadn’t just said mean things to her, told him he works hard from his family and that she loved him. It was like night and day. My dad was smiling again, whisting and singing. You wouldn’t beleive that half an hour before he had had a storm cloud over his head.

It sounds like this is what Fancee is doing for you. You have a wonderful girl, just remember to be nice back to her.

6/17/10 @ 9:48 pm (reply)

19.

Bee

Miss Locket (message) 2,837 posts, Sugar bee

HUGS**** I am so sorry for what you are going through and I understand it’s a very frustrating and confusing time..as I am pretty sure my parents are headed in the same direction and at this moment are no longer living together.

I also remember the episode of BMW (oh how I loved that show!) Trust me you are not alone in the meltdowns either…I have been having them quite often and am grateful that my FI is able to put up with my moody self during them.

6/17/10 @ 10:13 pm (reply)

20.

Bee

Mrs. Frozen Yogurt (message) 2,685 posts, Sugar bee

I’m so sorry. I know this has to be so hard. I’m so glad you have your siblings and fancee to help you through. I also have a really close relationship with my siblings.

6/17/10 @ 10:20 pm (reply)

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