Breaking Up

Breaking Up

June 17th, 2010 @ 9:16 am by Mrs. Lobster
Share

I’ve been in the “dating scene” for 14 years. 14 years!! My first boyfriend was in high school when we were a mere 16 years old. It’s taken me nearly half of my life, a couple serious relationships, and many crushes (celebrity and otherwise) to arrive at Mr. Lobster.

Can I be honest? Mr. Lobster isn’t the first guy I thought I would marry. During college/post-college, I dated someone who I thought was the one. At the time, I thought that a relationship that lasted for so long had marriage momentum. My college relationship was tumultuous but we were together (regardless of whether it was the right thing to do) for a long time. It was almost an afterthought to me that perhaps we were not compatible and not meant to be a couple. That became painfully clear when we broke up after nearly five years of dating. It was not a good break up. I spent a lot of time reflecting on what wasn’t right between us and I didn’t ever think until afterwards that, “Oh, that’s how NOT to have a good relationship.”

But I didn’t know what “true love” was until I met Mr. Lobster.

I’m not talking love with stomach butterflies but about the unconditional love that comes of a partnership.

After being with Mr. L for a while, I realized that I was at ease, not high-strung or self-conscious as I was in my previous relationships. I didn’t fear that he would use my faults against me, he didn’t try to change my personality, and I trusted him. I could finally be 100% myself whether that meant accepting my values for what they are or something more lighthearted like calling me pretty (and meaning it) when I didn’t wash my hair and I hadn’t changed out of my pajamas in 24 hours (yes… it happens). When I recognized all of that, I knew Mr. Lobster was my one.

(This is not to say we don’t have our issues. It’s not always easy to work on them but we try.)

I started thinking about this today because someone close to me is going through a transitional time in a long-term relationship and is afraid of the change it might bring. Breakups are STRESSFUL. They hurt like hell. It makes you feel like nothing is right and nothing will ever be. It sucks that time is such a big part of healing and we can’t speed that up. I can’t stress enough to that person that maybe this is a time to consider what is truly important in a lifelong relationship. And more importantly, if change does come, it’ll be OK and more likely even better.

When you reflect back on your past relationships, what’s the one thing you learned you want to share? How do you help a friend through a break up?

Tags: brooklyn, relationships |

Share |

Latest Gallery Pics

Hot Pink and White with Zebra 36" Lighted Spandex Ostrich Feather Centerpiece

23 Responses to “Breaking Up”

1 2 Last

Member

scournoyer418 (message) 138 posts, Blushing bee

Breaking up is terrible. I think being the person to break up with the other person made me selfish. I thought that hanging out with him would make him feel better but really it was just to make myself feel less guilty and ultimately hurt him more in the end.
If I could do it all again, I would make a clean break and let us both move on.

6/17/10 @ 9:32 am (reply)

Bee

Miss Cardigan (message) 8,645 posts, Bee Keeper

Breakups are so hard! Before I was with Mr. C, I dated a guy who was NOT a good person for me…but I think I was just so happy to have a boyfriend (he was the first guy I dated) that I overlooked all of that. I wish I would have been smarter about who I dated!

6/17/10 @ 9:35 am (reply)

Guest

Katherine

Fantastic blog post.

6/17/10 @ 9:43 am (reply)

Guest

Vermont Weddings

I’m also afraid of break up. I now have a long distance relationship and sometimes I think that my boyfriend cheated me..But as of now, I’m happy…

6/17/10 @ 9:59 am (reply)

Member

shantastic (message) 122 posts, Blushing bee

Good post, Lobster!

I had a similar experience. I dated someone for years, and we both acted terrible. It’s interesting because we were both “good people” but we were not good to each other. It was like a bipolar relationship–the highs were very high, and the lows were REALLY low. What I’ve learned from my relationship now, the RIGHT relationship, is that commitment is better than those “high highs” and that even stability is what I want for my life. Two people in a relationship should be headed together in the same direction, not pulling against each other.

Whew! I wrote a lot for a comment. But you asked, so there. My two cents.

6/17/10 @ 10:02 am (reply)

Bee

Mrs. Frozen Yogurt (message) 2,685 posts, Sugar bee

Lobster, great post! I totally get what you’re saying, and I agree 100%. My relationship before Mr. Fro Yo had me anxious, losing sleep, etc, and now I get what it was supposed to be like, it’s so much different, and I am a much happier girl.

6/17/10 @ 10:05 am (reply)

Member

Knubbsy-Wubbsy (message) 2,395 posts, Buzzing bee

Communication. We probably would have broken up a couple times if I had the same mentality for communication that I did in high school- but instead we talked about the problem and worked through it and now are so much better for it. Every relationship previous had the major problem of lack of communication (there were some other things too but they were characteristics of the guy not the relationship).

6/17/10 @ 10:09 am (reply)

Member

jgoulart (message) 1,069 posts, Bumble bee

I was like you Miss L, I thought I was in the right relationship and after we were engaged for two years and he still lived with his parents, I didn’t realize what was WRONG until it was over…

Were lucky to have found our “lobsters” for life after all the wrong ones!!

6/17/10 @ 10:10 am (reply)

Member

jaimbar (message) 16 posts, Newbee

Fantastic, Lobster. It felt like you were writing about my own reflections and lessons learned in finding The REAL One.

I think one of the best things you can do for a friend going through a break-up is just to remind them that they are a wonderful, awesome person who deserves to be loved and will find “true love.” Break-ups feel terrible, and I think it helps to be surrounded by friends who make sure to tell you how great you are.

6/17/10 @ 10:15 am (reply)

10.

Member

ktisthatbees (message) 2,742 posts, Sugar bee

If you stay together with someone because you don’t want to hurt them, you aren’t doing either of you any good. You are preventing yourself and the other person from finding the someone that “fits”. That is probably the biggest lesson that I have learned. It hurts so much to say goodbye and it feels like you will never stop hurting, but you do, and so does he.

6/17/10 @ 10:15 am (reply)

11.

Member

dookie32 (message) 176 posts, Blushing bee

I only had one real long-term boyfriend before my FH, but it was a very intense relationship and breakup, so I feel like I learned a lot from it. The biggest lesson was that you have to trust your gut, female intuition, whatever you want to call it. If you feel like something is not right, then it’s probably not. Also- like shantastic said- with the right person, everything just becomes easy- no games, no drama, no roller coaster emotions. It’s hard for someone to understand that before it actually happens, but I always believe when the beginning of the relationship is work, it’s just never going to last.

6/17/10 @ 10:20 am (reply)

12.

Guest

Nicole

I can totally relate! I dated a guy for 2.5 years who I swore up and down was the one even though he made it crystal clear that marriage was not on his to-do list. I thought that if I loved him enough he would “change.” I did this in most of my relationships but for some reason he gave me enough “clues” that I was right in my assumption of convincing him we were meant to be. I was insecure, needy, and fragile. It was only after our second breakup, at which point I asked myself “Why am I with someone who is completely incapable of giving me what I want?” I was the one to end it this time and one month later I met my current boyfriend. Once I admitted that I didn’t want to settle, I finally got the guy I deserved. Hooray!

6/17/10 @ 10:29 am (reply)

13.

Member

Querida (message) 1,424 posts, Bumble bee

Thank you so much for writing this post! I actually married the guy like you described from your college days… 8 years later we went through our horrible break-up and I survived. That was about 5 years ago. When I met FI, I was amazed at how wonderful a true partnership could be. I’ve learned that stepping out of your comfort zone is more scary than actually bad. It was hard, but I made it and other people having faith in me certainly carried me through.

6/17/10 @ 10:29 am (reply)

14.

Member

Miss Peace (message) 648 posts, Busy bee

I was with a guy for 4.5 years through HS and into college. (Longer than FI and I will be together on our wedding day!! lol) Anyway, we came from TWO COMPLETELY different cultures. He was Greek and I am Russian. His parents always gave me a really hard time, although both our families are Orthodox Christians (greek ortho, and russian ortho) they still didn’t accept me because I was baptized Catholic (my mothers religion) I allowed his family to put me down all the time and make me feel inadequate- and he would do nothing about it. Looking back not I realize he and I were too young to know what it means to be in a relationship, and although I thought for sure I would marry him and just ‘deal’ with his family. I know now that it would have ended in divorce. My FI now would never allow ANYONE to make me feel uncomfortable. And he sees our future as husband and wife like it is his ‘new family’ he would choose to defend me over his family any day, especially if they were wrong. So there ya have it! I thought I had found true love but it was really a HUGE learning process and it definitely made me who I am today
Ps. I was the one who ended that relationship, but I still feel TERRIBLE when people break up because I was so sad after it ended even though I was the one broke it off.

6/17/10 @ 10:49 am (reply)

15.

Bee

Miss Lobster (message) 668 posts, Busy bee

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful comments! This just goes to show that there are so many that go through similar experiences and make it through happier and wiser (hopefully). A lot of you echoed the feeling that “fit” is important and even if you are both great people, you might not work out as a couple. And yes, if something doesn’t *feel* right then it probably isn’t. Keep those comments coming!

6/17/10 @ 11:15 am (reply)

16.

Member

cjp454 (message) 72 posts, Worker bee

As humans, most of us are creatures of habit. (Even though we don’t like to admit it!) We don’t like change but unfortunately for us change is the only constant. Even when we know in our guts that a change is necessary we tend to fight it because we are scared of the unknown and don’t want to put ourselves through the pain and hurt. This is especially true with relationships. But like you said, time is truly the only thing that heals our wounds. I’ve found that when dealing with a breakup in my own life, or that of a friend, the most needed things are comfort, support, a listening ear, and some temporary distraction. (And a strong drink if needed!)

6/17/10 @ 12:22 pm (reply)

17.

Member

kokuu (message) 90 posts, Worker bee

Your experience sounds very similar to mine. I had a very serious boyfriend in college that I dated for 2.5 years, that I really thought I was going to marry. I was completly crushed when we broke up, and it took me a really long time to get over that relationship (I even made the stupid mistake of dumping FI at one point early in our relationship to go back to my ex, but that second time around, I realized that he was incredibly emotionally abusive and controlling, and I couldn’t be completly honest with him for fear of him lashing out, wheras with my FI, I can tell him absoutly anything knowing that I will be loved and supported.) It took me a lot longer to “fall in love” with FI, but I know for certain that he is the right one, and I am SO happy that he was willing to take me back.

6/17/10 @ 1:07 pm (reply)

18.

Bee

Miss Socks (message) 1,323 posts, Bumble bee

Beautifully said, and a wonderful post! Time really is the only thing that can heal a broken heart. I look back at previous relationships and find them so silly now that I have Mr. Socks. At the same time though, they were essential for me to grow into the person I am.

6/17/10 @ 3:58 pm (reply)

19.

Member

alli1121 (message) 7 posts, Newbee

I think one thing is to not deny the relationship. Right after a breakup, people tell you ‘he wasn’t right for you’ or ‘you weren’t meant to be’ ‘he wasn’t good enough for you’ all that stuff but I think it’s good to be mourning for a bit on the good things you had with the person. And then after awhile, you get to realize that yes, it really wasn’t meant to be. But no matter how much other people tell you that, you need to realize it for yourself and it takes time…

6/18/10 @ 2:45 am (reply)

20.

Guest

peachypear

Wow. I could have written this post. Seriously, I had to check and make sure that you didn’t someone steal my life.

Respect. After spending some serious time thinking about what was wrong with my no-so-perfect college LTR, I came up with a lot of things. He is selfish. But also, we didn’t respect each other. He didn’t like who I was deep inside, and I didn’t like who he was, and for some reason we tried to force a relationship with no respect. It’s funny, because this makes it sound so simple, but when you are in the relationship, it’s really not simple or obvious at all.

LOL, after our long, hard break up, my parents were so concerned that I had lost valuable time and would struggle finding a loving, happy relationship. My mother confessed to a friend that she was worried that I’d “make the same mistake again” by wasting time with a relationship to no where. Her friend, who incidently had experienced something very similar, laughed hysterically and said “don’t worry - she won’t!” She knew how a bad relationship/break-up makes you really think about what you do and do not what in a partner.

6/18/10 @ 11:20 am (reply)

1 2 Last