Okay. This is Stressful.

Okay. This is Stressful.

June 17th, 2010 @ 5:15 pm by Mrs. Thimble
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I admit, I talked a bighuge, full-of-myself game in my early post on wedding planning and I as soul mates. I was having a blast picking my game-day team who would help bring my vision to life and thinking up countless homespun projects. Bringing two families together has been easy as pie. These are not, at this time, the source of my stress—they are my solace in the storm.

Indecision is not the source of my stress either, but rather the result of handling my stress in inappropriate ways. It’s just the part of me that makes me hesitate when someone asks me how wedding plans are coming along because I’m not sure they really want to get into the benefits of letterpressed invitations or cardigans over shawls—but that’s where my mind usually is.

I am stressed because I’m a guilt-ridden people-pleaser. And I’m planning an interfaith ceremony.

We have done a disproportionately greater amount of work to prepare for the Catholic side of the wedding, but it is going to be a disproportionately more Jewish ceremony. I don’t have a problem with this, but my mother implies that she does.

The problem is, the priest our parish secretary sent my inquiry email to isn’t exactly a hand-holding teachable moment kind of preacher. Meanwhile, I am wide-eyed and needy when it comes to anything religious. I need HELP and I’m oversensitive. I love the culture of my religion—I sometimes even believe in it (but I’m usually mixed up). A CCD program that ended in 5th grade where we read passages out of a Precious Moments Bible did NOT prepare me for representing the entire Catholic faith equally against the beautiful symbolic socially relevant wedding ceremony that our Reconstructionist Rabbi is teaching me about and helping us tailor.

I also confessed to phone-a-phopia in my early big-talkin’ Lil’ Miss Planner post. It’s back, full throttle, and I can’t kick it. You hand me a phone and ask me to call a Catholic priest and you’re going to watch a confident 26 year-old woman crumble into a hyperventilating cold-sweating cotton-mouthed kindergartner who will kick and scream and negotiate until you’ll make the call for her. Except I don’t have a choice, because I’m trying to look like a capable, calm and collected grown-up bride. But I still don’t know whether the priest will bless the rings and read the Nuptial Blessing and what a reasonably inoffensive New Testament reading might be, because our priest isn’t much of a talker—I’m just grateful that he’s comfortable co-officiating for us and willing to help us out.

But finally, I am stressed because I’m throwing myself into wedding planning to avoid a number of bigger life issues at hand: Career changes for both of us and an uncertain (where) move away from our beloved (albeit expensive) city. We’ve also had a family health bump in the road and some sibling relations/bridal party hiccups. I’m possibly the most uncertain and confused I’ve ever felt, and this ceremony planning stuff is hitting me where it hurts. Making me evaluate who I am and who we are as a couple, not just what color linens I prefer. And there have been times I’ve let myself feel like I’m in it alone because Mr. T is an Atheist/Agnostic/Secular Humanist/no-label-guy who lives in the present. He’ll talk me down from a maniacally stressed out place, but he can’t always commiserate.

I’m not one to complain and vent without also talking about the other side of the coin—I am incredibly lucky with my lot in life and to have a supportive fiancé and family. If Mr. T and I weren’t making this move/career shift to find our happiness now, we might never get to do it (due to loans, future kids, over-working to keep up in a huge city). While this may be one of the most stressful times for both of us, it’s also the most exciting! And we’re learning to trust in each other and support each other in new, intense, grown-up ways.

What part of wedding planning is a stress trigger for you? And was anyone else making some major life changes months from the big day? (Any survivors have advice on stress management?)

*And to any confused, stressed interfaith-Catholic brides out there, I’ll be sure to write about our process in a future post. ♥

Tags: philadelphia, religion |

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23 Responses to “Okay. This is Stressful.”

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Member

something.blue (message) 255 posts, Helper bee

The wonderful thing is after this windy stressful road you will be married! And soon to be settled (somewhere?)!

I will be moving my things from NYC to Ohio 3 weeks before the wedding to suppress my anxious ‘how will I get all my stuff there’ thoughts and spend some time with my FI. Then we will FINALLY end our long distance relationship after our wedding in August. Last week I told my job I’m leaving the end of July and that helped relieve SO much stress–no more secrets to keep!

When in doubt; breathe, call a friend, or take a bath

6/17/10 @ 5:45 pm (reply)

Member

shantastic (message) 122 posts, Blushing bee

I don’t have much advise, but as they say “misery loves company.” I haven’t had as much religious stress as you, but talk about life changes: our wedding is in 3 months and my seeking-more-permanent-than-contract-work attorney fiance hasn’t found a permanent job yet! In 3 months, we will be living (somewhere?) new with (maybe?) new jobs, and I will have a college degree (graduate in August–currently I’m working full-time and going to school full-time). It is TOUGH! But I know, as you know, that I will pull through and just think what a relief it will be when it’s all over. And you will be amazed at what you accomplished!

I was talking to my mom about this, and she told me this: “In 1987, I got a new degree, moved to a new city, got a new husband and a new name, a new house, a new job, and I took care of my daughters. You can do this.” That made me feel better. I like @something.blue’s comment. Call a friend (in my case, my mom!).

6/17/10 @ 5:57 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Pretzel (message) 1,893 posts, Buzzing bee

HUGS! Can you arrange a face to face meeting? He may be more than willing to explain things to you and calm your fears if you can express those to him. Tell him that you don’t feel that your religious prep has prepared you for this situation and that you want to make sure that you are explaining things properly. I think that Priests can get jaded because so often brides come to them and just want the church wedding- they don’t want to understand their faith better, they don’t want to do preparation or reflection etc… they just want the pretty church wedding. I think if you tell him, what you told us, you may be surprised at his response. PM me if you want to talk. HUGS

6/17/10 @ 6:05 pm (reply)

Member

bridgetjones2010 (message) 167 posts, Blushing bee

ah, i can definitely relate. i was raised catholic, and my fiance is jewish. we’re both secular humanists. we’re having a jewish ceremony (despite our non belief), and it has NOT been easy for my mom to deal with. of course, she wanted us to have a priest co-officiate, but, truth be told, we could NEVER have jumped through all of the necessary hoops to make that happen. well, once the priest was out of the picture, my mom kept suggesting we add various catholic elements to the ceremony, but none of it really means anything to me, so i decided to stand my ground. we’re having a lovely (reformed) jewish ceremony with a lovely and very accommodating rabbi who has stressed to me how important it is to him that everyone - especially those people who are not jewish - feel welcome at our ceremony and like they understand and are a part of what’s going on. that’s good enough for me.

my mom still drops not so subtle hints about including catholic traditions, but i finally resolved that my fiance and i are the ONLY people who can make decisions about how we choose to commit ourselves to one another. if my mom is displeased with anything related to the reception, i’ll happily make changes - but the ceremony, that’s entirely ours.

i’m sure that you and mr. thimble will figure out something that works for the two of you, and it will be perfect.

btw, i also HATE talking on the phone to strangers. yuck. i don’t even like ordering food.

6/17/10 @ 6:11 pm (reply)

Member

sapphirebride (message) 1,747 posts, Bumble bee

I’m with Pretzel, I think you need to meet with him in person to work out the ceremony. Doesn’t sound like a big talker so you should probably make a list of your specific questions and have a frank conversation about what this means to you and what it doesn’t. It’s going to continue to be scary until it isn’t so full of unknowns.

I’m with you on the phone thing. Thankfully, my fiance isn’t, so generally he makes planning phone calls if an email won’t do. Could Mr. T help with setting up an in person meeting or talk to the priest on the phone if that’s not possible?

6/17/10 @ 7:52 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Cardigan (message) 8,645 posts, Bee Keeper

Aw, that sounds so stressful! I definitely think a face-to-face meeting is in order! And I totally feel you on the phone-phobia thing. I’m terrified of talking on the phone. It’s ridiculous.
P.S. in the issue of cardy vs. shawl, the cardy always wins. duh.

6/17/10 @ 8:19 pm (reply)

Guest

danielle

we had an interfaith ceremony and had a great script from working with a great priest and rabbi. if you need help with any of that, i have a whole lotta experience!

6/17/10 @ 9:20 pm (reply)

Member

NoneOfYourBeeswax (message) 146 posts, Blushing bee

I am confused. Are you a Christian or Catholic? If so, you might find the following passages relevant.

1 Corinthians 7:39: “The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.”

2 Corinthians 6:14-15: “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?” (KJV)

1 Corinthians 7:12-14: “To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If a brother has a wife who is a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.” - (NIV)

6/17/10 @ 10:48 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Socks (message) 1,323 posts, Bumble bee

That does sound pretty stressful! Just remember to breathe and have faith in YOURSELF that you can get this done, that it will be beautiful, and things will work out in the end. A face to face meeting will probably help, and even though it might make you crumble at first, it’ll probably make you feel better in the long run. Good luck!

6/17/10 @ 11:28 pm (reply)

10.

Member

fromcharleston (message) 651 posts, Busy bee

Whew!!! I wonder if sitting down with a wedding planner can help you break all this stuff down into smaller, more manageable chunks and get some stuff done!

6/18/10 @ 12:03 am (reply)

11.

Member

shaydenise (message) 1,151 posts, Bumble bee

My stressor is the officiant. Literally the actual officiant. My FI and I are both Christians so just find a pastor right? No. Find a non-judgy pastor? Yes. FI and I felt it was important to live together first - for many reasons - one being we wanted to work out all the kinks and adjustments, and another reason is that it made sense financially. Why would we pay a mortgage for our house and rent for an apartment? It seems like we had a difficult time finding someone who would respect our decision, rather than condemn us.

6/18/10 @ 8:14 am (reply)

12.

Guest

Magdalena

noneofyourbeeswax - Catholic and Christian are the exact same thing, in fact the very first Christians were either Catholics or Eastern Orthodox!

6/18/10 @ 8:26 am (reply)

13.

Member

beccaod (message) 46 posts, Newbee

I’m so sorry this is hard for you. I too am Catholic and hate calling people. Oh well.

If you are looking for good readings, the diocese in my area gave me a booklet called “Together for Life” which is for doing a service outside of mass and suggestions for readings. Maybe asking for one of those would help?

I’m just marrying a non-denominational guy, but we are definitely on opposite spectrum and are considered mixed marriage so we’d love to hear more about figuring out things there!

6/18/10 @ 9:02 am (reply)

14.

Member

JenBabe (message) 316 posts, Helper bee

Yikes! I thought my Southern Baptist and my FF’s (future Fiancé) Catholic upbringings would be hard to marry, but at least we’re both Christian. I can’t imagine trying to please two mothers of such different faiths.

When it all gets too rough just turn to Mr. Thimble and remember that ultimately you’re promising to love each other in front of your family, friends and God. You’re side of the alter will add some Jesus for extra measure.

6/18/10 @ 9:23 am (reply)

15.

Guest

jennyfromtheblock

I feel you 100%. Planning our ceremony has left me questioning my beliefs and it simply adds to the confusion and stress of getting married! I was raised Roman Catholic but am now Catholic/Christian…but think I might be more spiritual than anything!

I also highly recommend Together For Life. We are using that to select readings…although I’m lucky our congregation is letting us subsitute a poem for a reading.

Any way you can find another priest that you click with? There are Catholic priests out there that will listen and hand-hold/support! If you can make a switch now I say do it.

6/18/10 @ 10:58 am (reply)

16.

Guest

Lozza

I’m Catholic, and my husband is Jewish. We ended up having a Unitarian minister who is a friend of the family officiate, and tried to bring in elements of both religions, though- like yours- ours seemed to include more Jewish traditions (like the seven blessings, for example). I think part of the reason for that was that I was the one who was more into the planning, and I really wanted to show my husband and his extended family that I was interested in, and embracing their faith, so I did a lot more research on Jewish wedding traditions, and made a point of incorporating those.
That’s great that you’ve found both a rabbi and a priest willing to co-officiate; I really wish we’d also done that, but the rabbi and the priest we would have chosen weren’t willing to do an interfaith wedding

6/18/10 @ 11:09 am (reply)

17.

Member

lisam1217 (message) 3 posts, Wannabee

My FI is a devote Catholic. I was raised in a non-denominational church; BIG difference there. I agreed on having a Catholic Wedding and I am mostly okay with it, just sometimes I kind of wish I could have a wedding that was more the way that I was raised to expect.

6/18/10 @ 11:30 am (reply)

18.

Bee

Miss Thimble (message) 806 posts, Busy bee

Thank you everyone for the kind words and advice! Actually, since I wrote this, my priest has actually CALLED me to tell me he’s moving parrishes and that he’ll still officiate our wedding. I know it’s not much, but I’m relieved we were even on his radar! I actually had a rollercoaster ride finding a willing priest, so I’m sticking with him. I think it will all be fine. I’m just going to focus on one step at a time- like, moving and getting a new job (eek!)

6/18/10 @ 11:31 am (reply)

19.