Weddingbee Blog

I want to talk about getting married young, and why Mr E and I decided that it is the right thing for us to do.

Mr E and I will be 21 and almost-20 by the time our wedding date rolls around. This is by no means “too young” to get married in many cultures but it does go against the current norm from a so-called Western perspective.

When we first got engaged, or even started talking about getting married, we were unprepared for the backlash from certain relatives and even friends. We got (and still get) comments like: “Aren’t you rushing it?” “Why settle down now, what about study and travel?” “But are you sure (s)he is the right one when you have only been with one person?” “What about having fun while you’re young?”

And my all time favourite: “Men don’t grow up until they are 25, until then they are just big children and you should wait until he is 25.” (This was courtesy of my aunt who married at 19 to a man 10 years older than she was.)

The problem with these comments is that a) they show that the speakers don’t know Mr E and me as well as they think they do and b) they reveal some very misguided (in my opinion) assumptions about what marriage is about and what it means for those who make that commitment.

Firstly, “aren’t you rushing it?”

Well, no I don’t think we are. By the time we marry we will have been dating for over four years, which isn’t eons of time of course, but it is a decent amount of time and certainly much longer than my grandmother even knew my step-grandfather before she married him (6 weeks!). And, by the way, they are still happily married all these years later. These years Mr E and I have been together haven’t been all roses and fluffy ducks either. We had to be long-distance for a long time, and, to me, the sheer effort we both put in to making that work is a testament to the fact that we can make do this. We’re in it for the long haul, and there has never been any question about that.

“But are you sure (s)he is the right person?”

It is actually true what they say: When you know, you know (if you know what I mean :)). Seriously, though. What right has someone to ask you that unless they are very close to you and can see something that you can’t? Say, if my mother or father asked that question then I would sit up and listen because I trust their judgments. But they have been fully supportive of us, as have his parents (who incidentally got married at 18 and 19). So I’m inclined to throw this question out the window. Especially as the person who asked it followed it up with, “I’m not the settling down type yet, I wanna get laid as much as I can before I do that.” *sigh*

And the comments about study, traveling, and having fun? Hello… I’m marrying my best friend here. To me that means I’m getting the ultimate package: instead of having to do all those things by my lonesome I get to do them with my best friend! That sounds like a good deal to me.

The assumption under those comments seems to be that, once you are married, life (especially for the woman in the relationship) is essentially reduced to home and eventual babies. Why can’t you study after marriage? I know plenty of people who do. Mr E and I have plans for travel as well; it isn’t like we are strangers to the concept! Because of our background, we are very comfortable with the idea that the world is open to us and we can explore it. We have no idea which country we will eventually “settle down” in (it makes life difficult when the in laws/parents are in different hemispheres) but we aren’t pulling out hairs over it either. Getting married doesn’t stop any of our plans, it just makes them bigger.

When Mr E moved countries to be with me he didn’t do it so that one day. A few years down the track, someone could say, “oh look! You’re in the average-age-to-get-married bracket now, I guess you can have that wedding!” Emotionally, practically, and even financially it makes sense for us to get married now. But it is more than all that—it is a heart and soul thing and we won’t go into this marriage without taking all that into account. A societal “norm” won’t dictate our decisions, and if a decision to get married is based on a little number then the whole point of marriage is being missed. When it is right, it is right.

Anyone else experiencing negative attitudes about your marriage/wedding because of an age issue (whether it is “too young” or “too old” or “too much difference in age”)?