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My grandparents on my mother’s side are Ukrainian immigrants and my parents had a very traditional Ukrainian wedding. I identify more with being Canadian than with being half Ukrainian, but I’d still like to include a few Ukrainian wedding traditions in our wedding. However, the one I like the most is one that I actually have quite a few reservations about.
Note: This is my summary of the tradition based on what my mom has vaguely told me. I would appreciate any further details (like its name) or corrections to my version of it, as I’m having trouble finding any more info on it.
Near the end of a Ukrainian wedding reception the bride’s veil is removed and a kerchief is put on by her mother and godmother. The idea is that you’re no longer a bride, but a wife. I like this tradition and I love looking at the pictures of it from my parent’s wedding.
Here’s my grandmother putting on Mama Knitting’s kerchief:
Mama Knitting dancing with her dad:
Mama Knitting throwing her bouquet. I love her expression in this one:
All personal photos
However, my issue with this tradition is that for me it says, “Okay now you’re a wife, get busy with house work because that’s what women do.” This bothers me a lot because despite the fact that I like baking, pearls, and looking like a 1950s housewife, I’m not interested in promoting or conforming to traditional gender roles.
So that’s my issue. My current thinking is that I’ll still go ahead and do it. I think the tradition can be whatever I make of it, which for me will be a connection to my parents’ and grandparents’ weddings and a simple acknowledgment that I’m now a wife, with no implication that this means I will now sit at home and bake because I’m a woman.
To be clear, I have no issue with women that are housewives. I just take issue with the idea that a woman would be a housewife because she’s a woman, instead of because that’s the best choice for herself and her family.
Have any of you struggled with whether or not a family tradition is appropriate any longer?
First of all your mother is absolutely gorgeous (which I’m guessing is where you get your good looks from) I can understand your hesitation with this since like you said it’s like saying “ok heres your kerchief now go bake me a pie” however like you said it is a tradition that may help you feel that connection to your mother and grandmother’s weddings. I grew up Catholic but I no longer consider myself Catholic or even a Christian really, but I will always celebrate Easter and Christmas because it’s part of my heritage, it’s tradition, it’s getting together and eating and drinking and celebrating. And even though I have had some Christian people tell me I shouldn’t be allowed to do this if I’m not doing it for the right reasons, I will continue to do so because it makes me feel more connected to my family. So in other words, if you think you might regret NOT doing this, than go for it! I think it looks fun even if it is considered old fashioned 
I think that, like the tradition itself, the role of “wife” is what you make it. Your ancestors may have attached particular meanings to the word, but that doesn’t mean that you have to abide by or agree with them in order to take part in a tradition that you find meaningful. Choosing to participate in a ritual with particular cultural significance while adding your own interpretation to it helps ensure that what might otherwise pass out of practice remains relevant.
First of all, love her dress! Second, I understand your hesitation but go ahead and do it. A LOT of the traditions of weddings are based on things we would no longer agree with from engagement rings to bridesmaids. Yet, we still do them for tradition’s sake. I think it would be lovely and a nice nod to your grandparents and your parents.
If it resonates with you in any way, shape, or form… go for it! You get to make up your own version of what “wife” means to you, and it’s a way to share in a tradition with your family. I love how special that is. Oh, and on a completely unrelated note: I freakin’ love your mama’s wedding dress. I’m serious. The high collar is DEE-vine.
This was interesting to read as I’m getting married in July and we are having a traditional Ukrainian wedding. And yes, it will include the kerchief ritual. From what I’ve seen before, it also involves me taking each single lady for a twirl on the dance floor while they wear my veil.
I think it can mean no more or less than what you want it to. For me, it is something new for non-Ukrianians to experience, something that his grandmother (the only living grandparent) was interested in doing, and a way for me to have a few seconds with each lady I swing around the dance floor. So its purely sentimental. I am by no means a very good housewife - and it will take more than just a bait & switch of the veil to make it so!
What if you find a way to include a your husband? So that it isn’t just you become a wife, but about him becoming a husband? Give him a broom so he can get to work with the housework, too! Haha, I have no idea.
The truth is that we DO transition to become wife and men transition to become husband. Whether you subscribe to “traditional” gender roles or not has nothing to do with the fact becoming a wife or a husband does bare responsibilities as well as privileges.
I think the implication of housewife now is more exactly how you put it (which was perfect!) that it’s a choice that women make now, not an assigned occupation. I think there is nothing wrong with honoring this cultural tradition. That will be the meaning and focus. It’s about tradition and transition into the next phase of your adult live, not a gender role.
Good luck whichever you choose!
Your mom is beautiful and her dress is fantastic!! Now, about the meaning, I agree with the other girls—it’s what you make of it. Yes, back then it meant that you are now the “wife” and get to poppin’ out babies, cleaning the house, etc—but now it’s not like that, at least for most people even if they want to stay home and raise kids, so I don’t think you’ll be giving that impression. I can’t remember if you said, does your mom still have her kerchief? If so, that would be awesome to use
I totally get what you’re saying. I think that it would be just as (or even more) detrimental to women’s rights and women’s history if you were to forgo this tradition just because it isn’t 100% PC at first glance. I loved the pictures of your mom! Do you think you could display the pictures of your mom along with a little explanation of the tradition and what it means to you?
I love her dress! And make the tradition what you want it to be. Since I’m a mutt (Pre-American Revolution through 3 out of 4 grandparents), I don’t have any traditions, I’m quite jealous.
I agree with MJogan…you are becoming a wife and your fiance will become your husband, and with those new roles comes new responsibilities- not so much in the literal “cooking, cleaning” aspect, but more like becoming partners in life and really becoming one.
That being said, I am Slovenian (so is my fiance) and we do something very similar, which I totally love! There are a few differences in our tradition (the groom is involved too), but the basic meaning is the same. Also, my MOH is Ukrainian!!
My fiance and I are making little programs entitled “The Unveiling Ceremony” with an explanation of this tradition and placing them at each table at the reception. That way, people who aren’t Slovenian will understand the symbolic meaning of this age-old tradition.
Personally, I think it’s beautiful and your family will be honored that you kept with tradition. If you need any additional info, please let me know!!
It’s just got to be a fabulous kerchief, that’s all. Some tradition is good.
well i think that’s a great tradition and i understand how you feel about that whole being a wife thing.
You know, I don’t think that tradition always has to be read into. Yes, it is an outdated idea that isn’t really relevant anymore, but it’s a tradition that would mean a lot to you, and it’s something that has been done in your family for generations. I think that alone makes it extremely special, and you don’t need to add any meaning to it but that!
If it’s a tradition that speaks to you as part of your culture, I think it’s perfectly appropriate to adopt it if you wish, without 100% of the original implications. Times change!
Your mother is beautiful! I understand your reservation on the subject, so if I were you I’d probably modify it to where I would only have it on for a short while. I think most people would enjoy seeing the tradition and wouldn’t put too much weight on the implications behind it.
Those are the most beautiful photos of ur momma. Perhaps you can do something similar with a flower wreath so not to have the connotation, but have the same ritual??
Great photo’s I love the neck line on your moms dress and she is beautiful. I think you said it best “the tradition can be whatever you make of it”. As long as you and Mr. Knitting feel the same way about respecting each other and being partners. I don’t think anyone will take this symbolism to heart and expect you to start mopping the dance floor.
I would try to see it as a nod to your history as well as a symbol of you joining the ranks of married women in your family.
And your mom’s wedding dress is awesome!
First, your mom is gorgeous! And, her dress is amazing! That neckline…I.DIE!
Second, the tradition is what you make of it. I think in your case you are not doing it for the underlying symbolism, but instead to honor your cultural heritage. I think that is perfectly respectable. Do what feels right and makes you happy!
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Mrs. Knitting, Toronto Age and Occupation: 24, Student Recruitment Assistant Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Neuroscience PhD Candidate Engagement Date: October 2009 Wedding Date: December 2010 Venue: University of Toronto Faculty Club About Me: I'm a pearl wearing, etiquette book reading Toronto girl who loves cooking and baking, museums, charm bracelets, and collecting books on Jackie Kennedy (a lot). I've been known to spend Sunday mornings at the antique market, Wednesday evenings at sister sushi dinners, and any bit of spare time reading. After six and a half years of many late night walks, watching DVDs together in bed, travelling to places like New York, and Tobermory, doing Sudokus together on the couch, lots of Indian food, the occasional yoga class, moving in together and so much more, Mr. Knitting and I are planning a cozy Christmasy (it's a word!), vintage wedding in Toronto complete with many DIY projects (eek!) and lots of help from our amazing group of family and friends.
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