Family Fragmentation

Family Fragmentation

July 1st, 2010 @ 3:03 pm by Ms Seahorse
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Okay, guys – there is a topic that I have been avoiding in all this wedding talk: parents in the wedding.

We are sort of a fragmented family, and we have not always been this way. Fancee’s and my families are fragmented in different ways, too, and that makes it hard to always understand where the other person is coming from. I have two parents who have recently separated, and are undergoing the painful process of examining their marriage through a new lens, and figuring out how to handle their relationship. Of course, this also affects our (my siblings’ and my) relationships with them, and our relationships with our significant others. I’ve talked about this a little before, so I won’t go into it too much here.

Fancee has one parent. She has her mother, and her only other family is her grandfather.

Family Fragmentation : wedding boston emotional family 11 1

Fancee’s Family: Mom, Grandpa, Fancee

She does not know her biological father, and she does not have a relationship with her mother’s husband.

That Fancee does not have a father (in the experience sense, not in the biological sense) is a difficult thing for her, and for us. That my parents’ relationship is changing so drastically and so intensely now is a difficult thing for me. I don’t know where they’ll be in a month and a half. Right now my approach is to just wait and see.

Here’s how this all relates to our wedding (besides, you know, weddings are about family, blah blah blah): I would love to have our families walk us down the aisle. I love the symbolism and ritual not of “handing off” from father to husband (um, obviously not applicable here), but of branching off of one family to form a new family. I love the idea of walking in with the family that raised you and walking out with the family you are creating. I love inviting your community to affirm and – in whatever way is appropriate for them – bless this change, and to show the change, to really have a representation of that in the ceremony.

Family Fragmentation : wedding boston emotional family 2 2

Parents walking their daughter to her new family (source)

The thing is, we’re just not sure how to do it.

We could walk ourselves down the aisle, and I suppose that has some symbolism – coming from our own individual places and then joining together as a family… I could get behind that. We could walk in with our moms – but then does Dad feel left out? Walk in with siblings? Well, Fancee doesn’t have any siblings.

On the plus side: someone asked recently if one of our families was the “primary” family and it made me realize how much we are making ourselves the primary family. We are definitely supported by all three of our parents, and by my siblings, and by our close friends. But now I feel like we are pulling each other closer – this is where our family will be, and this is the sturdiest place to lean on right now. And I think that that is something of a blessing in itself.

Family Fragmentation : wedding boston emotional family 31 3

Photo by Bette Yip

(Uh, yes, we did have professional family photos done with our dog. We are so dorky! And cute, right? Right? Doesn’t Daphne look good at least?)

Who better to ask than the diverse and wedding-invested members of the hive? What have you guys done? If you haven’t done it yet, what are you thinking of doing?

And regarding our three-parent situation: Is anyone else coming from a one-parent family and not addressing the absence of the other parent?

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20 Responses to “Family Fragmentation”

Member

bohemianbailie (message) 980 posts, Busy bee

Well maybe no one has to walk down the center but come from either side to join in the middle. I think this is a great symbol of coming together.

7/1/10 @ 3:23 pm (reply)

Bee

Mrs. D'orsay (message) 2,272 posts, Buzzing bee

Mr.D’s dad passed away, and we didn’t really address that at the wedding because he didn’t want to and because in the strictest of traditional wedding sense, there isn’t much of a time for the groom’s father to be highlighted (oddly enough).

I don’t know how your ceremony is set up, but what if you walked in from opposing sides, and met in front the aisle, joined, and walked up together?

Or just have fancee proceed with her mom (and her grandfather if she wants) and have you proceed with both your parents. My cousin just had our grandfather walk her down the aisle even though her stepdad and biological dad were present at her wedding. I asked my mom to walk with me and my dad, but she declined! You could ask your family what they feel comfortable with too.

7/1/10 @ 3:25 pm (reply)

Guest

kim

I think that considering you can define family how you want….I don’t think you all have to do the same thing. If she wants to walk alone or with her mom, that doesn’t mean you should be pressured to walk in alone or with just your mom. I think you should both decide what you individually want on this one, since it is a very important item for you both. Then just make it work. I don’t think weddings have to always be symmetrical.

7/1/10 @ 3:43 pm (reply)

Guest

Christine

I walked in with both my parents. I like the idea of Fancee walking with both her mother and grandfather.

Or if you prefer, you with your father and her with her grandfather.

My husband’s mother is not in the picture, so we didn’t do a mother/son dance. I did wave him and my mother on to dance together while me and my dad danced.

Good luck!

7/1/10 @ 3:44 pm (reply)

Member

QuarterNote (message) 40 posts, Newbee

OOh! Do you think it would be nice for Fancee to have her Mother and Grandfather walk her down the aisle, and have you walked down with your Mother and Father?

Maybe I’m overthinking this, but, it sounds like you’re looking for symmetry, and this would create that, all the while allowing you both to have your families giving you away, so to speak.

Or, maybe they could walk you both halfway down the aisle and each of you can walk up by yourselves, symbolizing the creation of your new family?

However you plan to do it, it’ll be lovely

7/1/10 @ 3:45 pm (reply)

Member

TheFutureMcBride (message) 4,479 posts, Honey bee

Not that she’s engaged yet, but my sister (technically half sister, different dads) will have our brother (again my half, they are technically whole brother and sister) walk her down the aisle while their dad watches. No, this doesn’t answer your question, but I truly believe you both should do whatever you want because this is the start of your family. If you want your sibs to walk you and Fancee has her Mom and/or Granddad, then do it. No matter what, people will love you and be happy for you. Personally, I’m so happy for you already and I don’t know in person Miis Seahorse or Fancee Seahorse.

I love your professional picture!

7/1/10 @ 3:46 pm (reply)

Member

spellbound (message) 81 posts, Worker bee

here’s the thing… I totally get you about feeling kinda torn about what to do. I’m there. I more than totally get the feelings of confusion with a mixed up tangled up crazy family dynamic. I’m there, too. Invite who you feel most comfortable with to share that space with you. I love the idea of y’all walking towards each other on your own, but if someone is important and you want to share it wtih them, do it! Who cares if it’s your sibs, both your parents, one of your parents, and for fancee it’s her mom and gpa, or just her gpa, or just herself. Doing what feels best for both of you is the way to go… screw symmetry and tradition!

7/1/10 @ 3:51 pm (reply)

Member

eileen marie (message) 1,662 posts, Bumble bee

My mother passed away right before I became engaged and my father passed away when I was 15, so I just figured I’d go it alone b/c I have always been so independent. Well, I met with some backlash, and I had the brother I am closest to walk me down the aisle and then take his place as a groomsman. Do what your heart tells you, Seahorse –have a heart to heart with Fancee (I think it’s so funny you call her that b/c there was a crazy Pomeranian at my friend’s shelter called that!), and decide what’s best for you. My thought is for Fancee to walk down with her ma & grandpa, & you with your parents -their differences don’t affect them having raised you.

7/1/10 @ 4:11 pm (reply)

Member

stringerb3 (message) 186 posts, Blushing bee

My situation was a little different, but I am estranged from my mother completely. She was not involved with or invited to or present at my wedding, and we didn’t address it formally. We didn’t have programs, but had we had them, I just would have omitted “Mother of the Bride.” We didn’t have any unity ceremonies or anything like that. I walked in with my dad, danced with my dad, and he gave a little speech. (I guess the absence of a mother is a little different, like I said.)

It was a little tough when people I don’t know very well (grad school classmates, for example) asked me if my mother was excited about the wedding. It’s a complicated story, so I would just not really answer their questions, rather than spill my life story to casual acquaintances (”Our families are really excited!”)

I have no idea what people thought or wondered, and to be honest, it’s immaterial. Maybe we just have really socially intelligent friends and family, but no one (his extended family, his family friends, or anyone on my side) mentioned a thing about it to me at the wedding. (But then again, maybe his mom debriefed everyone prior?)

Anyway, the point of all this — do what you are comfortable with, and share/address whatever feels right to both of you. I think the walking in with Mom & Dad or Mom & Granddad option sounds great, if that’s what everyone wants. People will be sensitive — it is your wedding and, frankly, they’ll mostly be paying attention to the two of you!

7/1/10 @ 4:16 pm (reply)

10.

Member

Moffy (message) 200 posts, Helper bee

FI has just his mom and his grandpa was the closest thing to a father-figure in his life, so it’s just like your Fancee’s situation! (Though FI’s mom is unmarried.) FI never met or had a relationship with his father, other than a few emails that he exchanged with him when he looked him up about 4 years ago. His father was not invited, nor will we be addressing his absence in our wedding.

I, on the other hand, have my widower father who never remarried, and no grandparents left on either side.

He will be seating his mother at the beginning of the ceremony before taking his place up at the front. I will be walked down the aisle by my father. I will be addressing my mother’s absence by carrying a bouquet charm of her on her wedding day, and she will be listed in our programs with the rest of my grandparents who have passed away, even though my mom died 18 years ago.

Families are complicated, but we love them anyway! =) And they love you, so see how you feel, and I think what you want to do will come out over time. =) Good luck!

7/1/10 @ 4:28 pm (reply)

11.

Guest

Nicolle

i can’t really put my two cents in yet as I havent really ironed out my whole aisle walking situation with my two dads (long story as u could imagine)..but i just want to chime in and say you two and your dog are one of the cutest families ive ever seen! Good luck in whatever you decide..and remember at the end of the day the most important thing is you and the family you’ve created!

7/1/10 @ 4:31 pm (reply)

12.

Bee

Miss Octopus (message) 1,446 posts, Bumble bee

We’re having a bit of an awkward time with this because of the sudden passing of Mr. Octo’s mom. It’s slightly different than your situation, but there are definitely some “traditional” things we’re going to have to negotiate. Specifically, he’s worried about me doing the father-daughter dance. What will he do afterward? He could dance with his grandmother (his mom’s mother), but what if they both cry, and not sentimental cute cry, but still-grieving awful cry? And what if it seems like he’s trying to replace his mother? But will not doing it at all make a bigger spotlight of the fact that she’s not there? Et cetera. It’s messy, for sure.

Also: please know that I say this with 100% pure affection, but that family portrait with Daphne is so adorable (and, um yes, so dorky) that it’s KILLING me. KILLING MEEEEE.

7/1/10 @ 4:52 pm (reply)

13.

Member

peachybride (message) 124 posts, Blushing bee

Great post! Thanks for talking about this Miss Seahorse! My FI’s parents are also recently separated and trying to feel out their new relationship. Mr. Peachy wants each set of our parents to do a reading together but we aren’t sure if we should push that on them. However, if my parents do a reading, we don’t want to exclude his parents! Still not sure where we are at. I think in the end we may just have to have a pretty frank talk with each of his parents and see what their comfort level is rather than dancing around it. In other news, your picture is adorable! What a beautiful family!

7/1/10 @ 5:18 pm (reply)

14.

Member

SabrinaR424 (message) 266 posts, Helper bee

I don’t see why you can’t walk in with both of your parents, and Fancee with her mom. It’s an accurate representation of the families you have, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Even though your parents are separated, they are both still part of your life, and I think they would be happy to come together at least for this one occasion to support you.

7/1/10 @ 7:02 pm (reply)

15.

Member

jmc (message) 882 posts, Busy bee

I love that picture.

7/1/10 @ 7:22 pm (reply)

16.

Member

HolyVowels (message) 338 posts, Helper bee

Mr. HolyVowel’s parents have been married for 35 years. My parents have been divorced for about 16 years. The way it was left with my parents, it ended up seriously straining any hope for a relationship with my mother. While I’m still in the beginning parts of planning, I’ve contemplated even inviting her. I figured that inviting her really wouldn’t hurt or bother me… but then how do I make it clear that she is just a guest and she does not take the roll of “mother of the bride”? How do I word the invitations and engagement/wedding announcements in the paper? I am the opposite of Fancee… I have my dad and my grandmother.

If you wanted family to walk you down the aisle, then your Mom and Dad could walk you down… and Fancee’s Mom and Grandfather could walk her down.

7/1/10 @ 7:47 pm (reply)

17.

Member

kokuu (message) 90 posts, Worker bee

My fiance, much like your Fancee, does not know his biological father, and was raised in a single parent home. I’m planning on having both of my parents walking me in, and I’ve been trying to convice my fiancee to have his mother walk him in, instead of him just waiting at the alter. I really like that concept of walking in with the family that raised you, and walking out with the new family you’ve created, and even though I’m much closer to my dad then my mom, I really don’t like the sexist concept of the father “giving away” the bride, because I’m a modern, independent woman, dammit. I think it would be fine if the escorts were uneven, if you had both of your parents walk you down the asile, and Fancee had her mother walk her down the asile, though I also think having both her mother and grandfather would be very touching.

7/1/10 @ 8:37 pm (reply)

18.

Member

marieta (message) 339 posts, Helper bee

My fiance has a mother and a grandmother. I have a mother and a grandmother. No men anywhere in the equation, what with deaths/divorces/general absence. To keep the family units even smaller, there’s only one sibling between us.

We haven’t figured out what we’re doing yet. My personal guess is that my mom will walk me in or I’ll walk myself in (what I’m leaning toward unless it’s important to my mom) or we’ll walk in together. But I think however it’s done it won’t focus much on family. We both love our mothers and grandmothers and they are very important to us, but we don’t really view them as becoming one family because of us getting married.

7/2/10 @ 1:43 am (reply)

19.

Guest

Sarah

Maybe I missed it, but is there any reason you couldn’t walk in with both of your parents, and her with her mom? Or mom and grandfather?

My husband doesn’t have a relationship with his father — hasn’t seen or spoken to him in almost 20 years. There was never any thought about his father at all — heck, his father doesn’t know anything about his life after the age of about 13. We didn’t address it at all because there just wasn’t any need. Didn’t list a “father of the groom” in the program or anything. His mom was there and an active participant in the day. That’s all that mattered, since his mom is the one who was always there for him.

7/3/10 @ 1:46 am (reply)

20.