Weddingbee Blog

Sometimes, in the face of this big-huge-change-our-lives commitment we’re making in just about two months, the little things seem bigger. Big arguments can be scary, and little arguments are these hiccups of, “Is this what it’s always going to be like?”

Fancee, ready to fight!

A couple of weeks ago, Fancee and I had been arguing a lot. It was really just a lot of stupid little volleys over stupid little things. “Did you feed the cats?” “I thought you said you would feed the cats! I’m busy!” “Well, I’ve just been cleaning the house while you’re sitting there.” Etcetera.

Seahorse never turns down a challenge!

This is not typical Fancee-Seahorse argument pattern. This is new, and weird, and remarkably easy to get sucked into. It’s easy, sometimes, to just be offended or to simply respond, without thinking about where the other person is coming from or why we’re having this argument in the first place. Examples might be: one of us is overwhelmed, and the other one seems calm; or, one of us already fed and walked the dog, and our deal is that the other person feeds the cats. All very reasonable.

I was complaining to my (awesome) therapist about this the other day, and I said, “We used to just stop and say, ‘We’re having different experiences and coming at this from different directions. What are you feeling? What do you need from me?’ And now we’re all, ‘Why don’t you understand my experience?!’ What has happened?”

And she said we’re right on schedule for this kind of conflict - two and a half years in. Nice job, Seahorse & Fancee - at least we can be on time for something (we are notoriously late). She also said that if we started things right, back in the day, we have it in us to do things right again. We already have these skills - we just have to find them in us. And she’s right - we just have to remember how to use those skills. They’re in there somewhere! Since that conversation, we’ve been trying to not do this volleying; we’ve been trying to slow down and recognize that we are having these different experiences and trust that we’re on the same team.

on the same team… the team of looooove (barf)

So I’m working on talking myself down even before I open my mouth. And I did it, at least once, very successfully!

I was trying to print something, and having moved a month ago, we still live in chaos. I put my printer on the desk, where there was a cup. The desk is in the study/room of stuff that doesn’t have a home, so I didn’t think too much about there being a cup there. And I nudged the cup out of the way with my printer. And it spilled water everywhere. On the printer, the lavender pillow, a calendar, framed pictures (did I mention this is the room for stuff that doesn’t have a place yet?). And I went, “ARGH, FANCEE.” And then I grumbled as I flung stuff off the desk, as I started to run into the kitchen for paper towels… and then I realized, THIS IS NOT AN EMERGENCY. Seahorse, it is just water. That’s it. You already moved the stuff the water would hurt.

So I walked the rest of the way to the kitchen, got the paper towels, and then calmly got a real towel and cleaned up the wet but insignificant mess. And I thought about why the cup was there - it was there because she used it to pour water into the iron when she was getting her clothes ready for our engagement shoot. You know, the one to capture how we love each other.

So I calmed down, and then a few minutes later I was looking for a stapler and found it, right away, because Fancee is good at keeping things organized and giving things a home. And I love her for that.

So, self? Nice job. Keep it up.

The point of this long and rambling post is that we are happy, even if it’s in ways that romantic comedies would find boring, and even though - or maybe because - it’s hard sometimes, and we are figuring out how to work with and around that. Yes, sometimes the hard parts do make me pause and think, “Wait, is this what we’re signing up for?” And the answer is yes, this is what we’re signing up for. But we’re also signing up for mornings like today, sitting out on the front steps and drinking tea and reading the paper together; we’re signing up for visiting families and staying up late watching movies together; we’re signing up for home-improvement projects and big parties where all our friends and families come to support us as we tell each other how important we are and promise to be all kinds important for each other.

photo by Ellie Leonardsmith

What are you noticing, enjoying, or appreciating in your relationship these days? How to you remember to stop and remind yourself that things are not a big deal? How do you remember to slow down and connect with your FI?