Weddingbee Blog

Note: The following post discusses the subject of eating disorders. For some people who are struggling with an eating disorder now, or who have a loved one who is struggling in this area, parts of this may be hard to read. So, this is just a heads up.

One thing our pre-marital counselor emphasised to us is that the best gift we can give each other when beginning our marriage is a healthy Miss E, and a healthy Mr E. “Healthy” in this sense encompassing physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being. In this way, when we ourselves are healthy, we are free to be the best person we can be for our partner, to care for their needs and start off life together on a more stable footing.

This has had me thinking a lot. Now, I know good physical health is a luxury some of us just don’t have, myself included, for no fault of our own. What I’m talking about is not that we all must be the epitome of healthiness or we are bad spouses, instead I am focusing on our respect for our own bodies and respect for our health (in all areas). This strikes a chord inside me in a very uncomfortable place.

See, for the last few years I have not been very caring or respectful towards myself.

I have always had a low self esteem, and growing up this was reinforced by bullying at school and my own hyper-sensitivity. Not to mention, I have struggled with anxiety issues my entire life, which only serves to make the problem worse. Much of my insecurities are concentrated on my looks: over the years I constructed this idea that I was hideous. My parents are some of the most loving and affectionate people you will meet, and they never put me down, but somehow their positive words could not penetrate the lies I told myself over and over.

The year I was sixteen was a rough year. I had been gaining weight steadily since I was thirteen and three years later I was ashamed of my body and full of self-hatred. I did not feel accepted at school, and the only area I felt “successful” in was my grades. Then I got dengue fever (a horrible, horrible disease carried by mosquitos). For 3 weeks I could do nothing but lie in bed or on the couch and I completely lost my appetite. Obviously I started to lose weight and once I was feeling well enough to notice, I liked the change. Some people commented that I was looking good and so it was just too easy to keep on eating practically nothing and continue to lose the weight.

You can see where this is going. Anorexia Nervosa is a slippery slope. You start off thinking you are in control and you are just being “healthy”, but the more you give into the lies the disease tells you, the more you lose control. I became completely obsessed with food, banned certain items (like bread) from my diet as I believed they were “bad” and was so anxious about regaining weight that I had a rule that I could only let myself relax on a sofa after 7PM, otherwise I might not use up enough calories. Yes, looking back I see how irrational and scary some of my rituals were but I really couldn’t see them at the time. Anorexia is a disease, it isn’t something you can just “stop” and it is truly frightening for those caught in its grip and their loved ones. At my lowest point I weighed less than the average second grader.

Why am I telling you this? If I want to be healthy in mind, body and soul on our wedding day, I need to face this aspect of myself and learn to work through it. My recovery from anorexia began when I was 18. Two things triggered it: First, I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror while undressing and thought, “who is that girl? She has nothing left to her.” And then I realised that girl was me, and that if I continued the way I was going I would be killing myself. I had obviously looked in the mirror before that day, but always with the “anorexia goggles” on so I couldn’t see what was happening to my body. This accidental glimpse freaked me out completely. The second trigger to recovery was when I saw my dad cry one night, while he and my mother were trying to help me. I had never seen him cry before or since, and it shocked me so much that I really saw how much anorexia was hurting my loved ones. And so I determined to fight back and not let an eating disorder run my life anymore.

Recovery is a slow process, it can take up to two to five years or more so I am still very much in the process. It is more than regaining a healthy weight. It is also about the healing of the mind and emotions. And the time I spent as an anorexic has not been without its consequences. Chronic fatigue and bouts of depression are some of the long-term effects I have to deal with because of all the abuse my body experienced in those years. Going to counseling is helpful for many people with eating disorders, but for me this wasn’t always the case as I jumped from one counselor to the next depending on where I was (even when back in NZ I moved around a lot). However, some things I learned in counseling were ways to deal with my fears and anxieties, which are directly related to my eating problems. If I can face them, then I can face the rest of it. Ultimately though, the most important aspects of my recovery have been centered on support from my immediate family and Mr E.

Mr E was my best friend at the time the anorexia was most in control. He still is my best friend, and he knows what foods and situations I struggle with the most. He didn’t judge me (having an eating disorder in a conservative school which didn’t talk about those things was a hard place to be during that time), he held my hands after blood tests and mandatory weight checks, he never guilt tripped me or forced me to eat like other people (who meant well) did. And surprisingly, he became the only person who could convince me to eat “unsafe” foods. Because of him, today I allow previous “restricted” food items into my diet and don’t think twice about it. I am no longer considered anorexic and am at a healthy weight, much of the credit for this I attribute to him. Yet there are days when the insecurities surface and he is there to be strong support.

So for our marriage, for him, and for myself I want to do this, to be healthy. At this point in my life this means six things:

1) Continue eating as I am. Right now I enjoy a diet which includes a broad range of foods (including sweets! I can’t ever give them up again… ). However, in moments of high stress my immediate instinct is to stop eating, which only makes the stress worse. Instead I need to not punish myself through food but work through the stress using other, more productive and healthy, methods.

Which ties into:

2) Allowing myself to relax. This is something I’m really, really bad at doing (and coincidentally both my mother and grandmother struggle here too!). This results in us being burnt out and irritable, causes me to break out (ugh adult acne ) and lose sleep. Mr E is a godsend in this area as well… with him I finally feel like I’m allowed to relax and enjoy myself. Sometimes it is so much better to be rather than do all the time.

3) Gentle exercise. Too much means I cant get up the next morning, but a nice walk to get fresh air, some non-competitive swimming or similar can go a long way in making me feel more positive.

4) Cutting the negative self-talk. A counselor once told me to write down every time I found myself thinking something negative about myself (e.g. “I’m stupid.” “You ate pasta. Fatty.” “How hideous is my face?”) during a single day. This meant that I was consciously acknowledging the many times this negative self-talk came up. Then I was to stop myself, turn the negative thought into a positive (”Good job! You ate pasta!”) and carry on with my day. Negative self-talk only serves to beat you down and make you believe complete lies. If you struggle with this, don’t believe it. Remind yourself of the positive things until positive self-talk becomes more of a habit than negative.

5) Taking baby steps. Rome couldn’t be conquered in a day and neither can my health problems. I have always been the person who wants to rush in and get it done NOW but slowly I’m realising that I just have to take it slow but steady in the areas of my health, not place insurmountable expectations on myself, and reward myself for the things I do achieve even if they are as tiny as trying a “scary” food.

6) Accepting that I am who I am and I can love me even though I’m far from perfect. This is probably the hardest of the bunch, but how do you make a habit? By repeating it again and again. The more I work on this area, the more it will become a good habit and slowly replace the bad habits.

I’m sure there are more things to add to this list. Right now I’m working with these and moving forward. Talking about having had an eating disorder may seem an odd thing to share on a wedding blog, but I think it is also necessary. Sometimes a taboo subject really needs to be talked about. Not only does it help myself in acknowledging certain issues, but I am sure there are other brides out there who struggle in areas like this and who are seeking to take charge of their health like me, and I hope hearing about someone else’s story can help in that process. You can do it!