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I had this random discussion with my little brother via email the other day, and it really got me thinking, which can be a very bad thing because I always tend to over-analyze.
Name changing… Yes/No?
I never really thought it would be an issue. I always thought I would gladly get rid of my father’s last name and join the man I marry and share his last name. I despise my father and the fact that I look identical to him. I couldn’t wait to shake the legal bind between us.
But…
I have been First Name, Last Name my entire life (obv!) but it’s who I am, it’s my identity. My brothers and I share the name. We have always been called and are known as “the (…) kids”. We have always been very close and we are a tripod. Since they are both boys, they will always have that last name. My name means a lot to me. My first name is my great grandmother’s name, whom I adored, and my middle name is also my mom’s middle name and is also her mom’s name. It runs in the family and my daughter will have it, as well. My last name is the bond that my brothers and I share. We are the (…) kids.
The irrational emotional Italian in me thinks that if I change my name, I lose that bond with my boys. I lose the fact that we are the (…) kids. I lose the tripod effect. I lose who I am. (Deep, right?) I guess it’s the fact that I will no longer be First Name Last Name, so I feel as though I will no longer be me. I will be letting go of everything I once knew and will be treading new water. I’ll be signing my documents as someone else, getting bills with a different name than mine, not being the (…) kid. If you haven’t already figured it out, I am not good with change. I am 100% attached to my brothers and the childhood we had together. The memories we created and the fact that it will never be the same again is so unbelievably scary to me. I was heartbroken when they left me for the military. They left me, after they promised they would never leave. Now I am abandoning them and changing my name—the link that bonds us.
The rational part of my brain (a very small part) says I will be creating a new name with the man that I love and creating many new memories of our life together. Taking his name is huge for him and he wouldn’t even entertain the idea of me not taking his name. He is the traditional Italian guy (and I thought I was the traditional Italian girl until now) who believes the woman is to take the man’s name, end of discussion, period. My children will have Mr Handy’s name and so should I, to be a complete family.
My mom took my dads name and my 2 brothers and I all have my dad’s name. So, it’s normal in my family. So why I am freaking out over this? Why am I so scared to change my name? I want to tell Mr Handy about it, but I know he will be so offended. What is a girl to do?
My little brother said to change my name like this… First Name Last Name His Last Name, and drop my middle name. But my middle name runs in the family; it’s my mom’s and my grandmom’s. If I hyphenate my name, Mr Handy might be offended. Ugh.
Am I crazy? Are you having difficulties with the name-change situation?
I will be firstname middlename lastname hislast…. it will be a long name but it will be my name and I can not wait!!! My kids will be firstname mylastname hislastname
girl, i’m having the same problem! esp. with the dad issues..ew. only I am hard-torn to give up my last name, which I share with my dear sister..giving up my name which is MINE, and which is all that I’ve ever worked for. I’ve flirted with just taking my fiance’s name (a hard to pronounce german name..ew), but I still think about having my name last name his name. It’s really a hard decision to make :*(
I also have my great grandmother’s name as my first and my mom’s middle as my middle! Crazy! As for the hard parts, I am in the process of changing my name after my June wedding and it is really difficult. I just keep telling myself that I will make sure my children know what it means to be a “(maiden name)” and that they are equal parts “(married name)” and “(my maiden)”. I also talked to my mom about it and she said ‘honey, even though your father and I have been married 30 years, I will always be a (her maiden name). It’s always a part of who you are, getting married doesn’t change that…’ Ahhh, don’t ya love smart mommas?? 
I agonized over this decision, I’m 29 and established my career with my current last name, I identify with it, and I like my name. But, I really like the idea of having the same last name as my future husband. I ultimately decided I am going to drop my last name and take his, because the benefits (to me) out weight the emotional drawbacks. But, it took me 6 months to come to this decision and I changed my mind about 5 times through the process, so I can relate to feeling the dilemma, but you’ll make the right choice for yourself.
I feel your confusion! I am the only one in my family with my last name, my mom took back her maiden name when her and my father split up andmy stepfather’s when they got married. I am an only child. I never had a relationship with my father or his family. I STILL don’t want to give up my last name. It’s who I have been for 35 years. It is also nice to be part of an obvious family unit with my FI. It means so much to him that I take his name and he would be crushed if I didn’t. I don’t have a middle name so I’m sneaking my maiden name in there, like a security blanket.
I totally get where you’re coming from. But here’s my added complication. I’m divorced with a 13 year old son which is why I kept my married name when I divorced.
So now, while I absolutely do not want to keep my exes name, it’s also my sons.
And it’s going to be very bittersweet to not share a last name with him anymore (he’s been really understanding about it, but I can tell he’s a bit forlorn we wont share a last name anymore too)
-However when I married the first time I did take my last name as my middle name (and I’m going to keep that), or a friend of mine for legal reasons (inheritance) was advised to leave her maiden name in her legal name (which granted is huge now, but its only on legal documents)
And you are not abandoning your brothers by changing your name. You’re making a choice to share a surname with your husband.
FYI, If being traditionally Italian is important to you, you should know that in Italy women do not change their names. All women keep their maiden name as a rule, but may be refered to by their husbands last name in a social situation (ie, this is Signor and Signora Rossi) but legally their name is never changed.
I’m marrying an Italian and am so relieved this is a non issue as keeping my own name is very important to me.
Good luck deciding!
Remember that your legal name is just that - your legal name.
Legally my new name will be myfirst mylast hislast but if anyone asks me what my middle name is, i can assure you that my answer will be mymiddle.
my legal name is one thing but i’ll always consider my full name to be myfirst mymiddle myconfirmation mylast hislast.
*funny enough, i think my father is more upset that i’m dropping mymiddle than he would be if i was losing mylast… makes me laugh!
Regardless of your new last name, you’ll still be included in the (…) kids. Trust me, parents friends, old classmates, lots of people will still call you by your maiden name. I have to catch myself sometimes with my married friends. I don’t think you should worry too much about it, you’ll know what feels right when the time comes.
well, for one thing - in case it makes you feel better - i suspect that the people from your past and present who think of you as “the (…) kids” will still think of and quite possibly refer to you that way, even when they use your new last name (if you choose to change it) to refer to you alone. you’re not the only one who doesn’t like change, so a lot of people will hang onto that habit if you don’t specifically request that they not.
anyhow, whatever you end up deciding, i really really hope you can discuss it with your mr.! (if he seems offended, you might try asking him what he would feel like if he was to take your name - not to suggest that he do it necessarily, but just to give him a little perspective on why it’s hard for you.)
Hm… I had a hard time changing my name, and it was pretty emotional for me. But I kept my maiden name as my middle name, and Mr. Spaniel, who often called me by my (maiden) last name when we were joking around, still does. I still feel like I am a [Maiden Name], and I still am, really, because it’s still part of my name! I feel pretty okay about it now. It only took 4 months. 
I also have no relationship with my father, and I was happy to drop my maiden name.
I thought about what I would have done had my father still been in my life as a respected family member, and I decided I would still change my name anyway. In the end, to me, my name doesn’t define me. It’s a very small part of who I am. My sister will always be my sister, no matter what names we end up having, and my mom will always be my mom (she still uses my dad’s last name).
Deep down, you have to do what’s right for you, and you’ll know what to do when the times comes
You can have two middle names, I’m looking at that option pretty hard since I have frequently gone by firstname middlename but I still want to add my maiden name as a middle name.
Hate this issue! My middle name is my mother’s maiden name, and when I mentioned dropping my middle name to move my maiden name into that spot, she was NOT happy. But my dad died last year, and the thought of dropping his name makes me SO sad. It’s impossible!
It was so great to read this post and ALL the responses. Obviously this is a huge issue for many bees. I have been engaged since December, rolling all of the different options in my head, and cannot make up my mind.
I’m on the flipside, my Dad whom I was ridiculously close to asked me to consider keeping my last name while he was losing a battle against cancer. Since I’m an only child, and the there are no boys in my family to carry on my goofy long last name I have a hard time not following through with this nearly final request.
Unfortunately, my fiancee would be VERY VERY disappointed if I didn’t take his last name (on the brink of offended actually) and thinks hyphenating is kind of pointless. I’ve thought about trying to convince him to smush our two names together :). In the end I think I will take his, because I want to have the same name as the rest of my family but it’s a tricky decision!
I’m glad that my middle name has no significance other than it sounded good with my first name, so it was easy to drop it and take my maiden as my middle. But i totally see your dilemma. could you possibly add your maiden as a second middle?
I’m having issues with this as well because I have a unique last name. I think I’m going to go with firstname middlename lastname hislastname
I JUST has this convo turned argument last night. I told my fiancee that I was simply considering hyphenating the last name - he and our kids would have only his last name - and he said NO, I can’t consider that. Hands down no. I was shocked. His reasons stem from childhood name change confusion, but geez, go easy on me, I’m just thinking about it. In the end I’ll probably take his last name but keep all three first,middle,last of mine plus his legally.
I can relate, but for different reasons. My fiance is “American” and I was born in the Middle East. I feel like my last name tells people who I am and where I come from. Since my first name is European, I feel like taking his last name means that I’m losing who I am because no one would guess what my ethnicity is. Luckily, I don’t have a middle name so I intend to keep my maiden name as a middle name.
this is such a huge issue for so many gals. Thank you everyone for your comments!
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Miss Handbag, Smyrna, DE/Jamaica Age and Occupation: 25, Administration Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Sales Engagement Date: Christmas Night 2008 Wedding Date: March 2011 Venue: Rosehall Resort, Montego Bay, Jamaica About Me: I am a Type A, emotional Italian fireball, who on a weekly basis must be brought back to reality by my level headed, calm, cool and collected fiance. We are planning an intimate, all white with hints of black, vintage inspired wedding on the old sugar aqueducts of Jamaica, with 30 of our closest friends and family flying in to witness the occasion. We are not traditional by any means and will be doing things very differently. :)
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