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The past 19 months have been crazy to say the least. I can honestly say that a long engagement has helped in so many ways calm me (us) down. When our engagement journey started we had been dating for 4 1/2 years and it had been a little rocky. Rocky only because we weren’t in the “forever” mind frame yet, and we were very young when we started dating.
Once we made the commitment to make this forever and start the wedding process, things became very real for the both of us. We had bought a house, switched jobs, and moved an hour away from our families to start a new life together. We had been through a lot and we are starting to figure ourselves out and learn more about each other. He was very much a momma’s boy and I was very attached to my mom and 2 brothers. Over the years, we have learned that our role as partners are changing and we can no longer be so attached to our families, but should be attached to each other. I’m not saying that we cant be close to our families, because we are, just that there is a line of respect for our partner and we should take them as our number 1 priority at all times. He has had to stick up of for us to his mother and he has learned that I am his priority. In return I have had to let go a little bit of my brothers and dropping my whole life when they get home.
(Us on our very first weekend together at the beach - Aug 2004)
I can honestly say that by going through these changes, turning to each other more instead of our families, and always keeping that line of respect for each other apparent, we have grown so much closer. We have learned more about each other, and what we expect in our relationship as it evolves into a marriage. I feel more confident in our bond and our relationship. I trust him more with my emotions and I can honestly say that I am more in love with him now then I ever was before.
us last year
Have you gone through changes that have changed your relationship for the better? What were they?
Miss Handbag-
I understand that life can be stressful and hard at times but I really feel like you have a hard time focusing on the positive. Instead of talking about wedding plans it seems like the majority of the time you are focusing on the negative aspects of your relationship/engagement/brothers/etc.
I hope that you enjoy your engagement while it lasts because it is one of the best times of your life and it will go by really quickly. Just remember to be positive and enjoy the journey!!
great post! i totally experienced this, too. it’s a transition - creating this new family and tweaking your dependence on the you grew up with. i really resonated with that feeling.
and anonymous, to quote jack nicholson, ‘take your crazy someplace else. we’re all stocked up here!’ handy’s post wasn’t at all negative.
This post wasn’t meant to be negative and I apologize if you took it that way. It was meant to explain the transition period a girl goes through growing up, detaching a bit from who you grew up with and learning to create new relationships with the person your spending your future with. Leaving everything you once knew for a life as a part of someone else, being a part of a team means leaving some things behind. That was my intent and what I was trying to explain.
I wasn’t necessarily talking about this post in particular…I’ve read all of your posts since you have become a Bee and they always just seem to be sort of “debbie downer”, they’re not very fun to read.
@anonymous: Then don’t read them. You don’t need to click on the ‘read more’ button. You are absolutely entitled to your own opinion…just as Miss Handbag is entitled (and encouraged ) as a Bee to let us in on everything that she is going through in planning her wedding.
@ Miss Handbag: I don’t find your posts ‘Debbie Downer’-y…in fact, I find it encouraging to know that someone else is struggling with a difficult family situation and such while also planning a wedding…and keeping up with it. Kudos to you for your determination and hard work…and honesty. I find that you are very real in your posts…and I look forward to reading more because I’m sure that your wedding will be wonderful. After everything that you’ve been through, it is going to be such a celebration…and it’ll be that much more special. Thank you. You are wonderful.
@MissHandbag: I agree, I don’t find your posts upsetting at all. I always always love the real posts the most, sure, it’s gorgeous and fun to look at everyone so happy, but life, and wedding planning isn’t like that. FWIW, I totally got your aim here, to highlight to transition that people go through, distancing themselves from their families in a sense, and committing themselves to their partners, holding their interests first.
I look forward to reading your posts, thank you for being so kind to share your experiences, fun and not so with us!
Hmm… these are interesting comments. I don’t think Miss Handbag is being a “Debbie Downer”, in fact I have found myself on the lookout for her posts in particular because I can so easily relate to her thus far.
Even if she isn’t talking about her actual wedding plans yet, she has valuable insight regarding relationships and the actual marriage which I find to be more interesting, personally.
I think she is keeping it real, which includes things which sometimes might not be very fun.
@anonymous If you do not have anything nice to say, please dont say anything at all! That is not in the spirt of the Weddingbee community here. We are supportive community and thats what it should remain.
@Miss Handbag: Your awseome. And I agree with your post 100%! heartfelt. Keep blogging! because with only 12 days to my wedding Im still reading!
I feel you, girl! I feel like Mr. SD and I are having to transition as well, and more so in his case than mine. I’ve been out of my hometown for over six years now, and he’s only ever left for school. But things are always getting better, and I can’t wait to see how things go after the wedding!
Handy, I don’t think you are a debbie downer at all. When you write, you speak to me as if we have been friends for years. I hear that you are going through a transformation and feeling intense feelings and yet you stay strong and positive throughout. Sometimes weddings do bring out heavy emotions. When Mr. G and I got into the “forever” mindset my whole way of life changed. I stopped going out, drinking so much with my girlfriends, thought about the future a whole lot more, etc. I totally know where you are coming from. Weddings aren’t all about flowers and tulle - it’s a life changing moment.
Mis Handbag - I love reading your posts. If anyone has doubts about your level of positivity, please direct them to your post about finding your dress. That post is full of pure joy.
@anonymous: I was actually thikning thE same thing!! Every post seems to be a personal problem, and although yes working problems through engagements is part of planning a wedding, this is predominantly a wedding PLANNING blog, not a couples counseling blog. A couple blog posts is one thing, but every other post is quite another.
@Anna: Any time anyone puts out a public story, experience, blog, etc - they have to be prepared to be criticized and disagreed with. That’s what a conversation is, person 1 says “I think bla” and person 2 says “Well I think bla…” Remember we have a comments section for a reason, criticism is one of them!
“Then don’t read them.” - ummm it’s sort of hard to UNread something….and how else would she be able to come to the conclusion that the posts are debbie downery UNLESS she were to read them?
Props to anonymous for stating her opinion and having the balls to constructively criticize. Shame to those of you who are denying her the right to an opinion. She has just as much right to share hers as any of the weddingbees, whether she agrees or disagrees.
Im noticing this is a common problem among comments actually - agreeing is allowed, disagreeing or criticizing is shunned.
Uh, I totally disagree…. not every post seems to be a personal problem, but rather the opposite. She is excited about her venue, engagement pics, dress, passport, etc. etc. Although this is weddingbee; life is not always roses and butterflies, so it’s definitely okay for her to express her dissatisfaction with certain areas of planning her wedding. We are here to support each other, whether it is positive or negative. Actually, her posts thus far seem to focus on positive aspects of wedding planning. Maybe the readers who perceive her posts as negative should realign their thinking to focus on the positive, rather than negative. I think she is receiving the criticism quite well and takes it into consideration. Way to go Miss Handbag, keep the real posts coming! Not everyone has a PERFECT wedding planning experience.
When we remember that Christ is #1 in our lives, our relationship goes much better. My FI is my #2, and I am his #2. It is a lesson that we have learned several times because we “coast” and forget what our priority should be. When we remember, everything about our relationship is 100% better.
As for the argument about Handy’s posts, I wish everybody would just move on. I think this is a valuable topic to discuss. If you don’t think so, then go read somebody else’s post and don’t “waste” your time here. 
@Lena: As much as Anonymous has the right to call Miss Handbag a “Debbie downer” and say other not so nice things, we are allowed to comfort Handy. Although, personally I follow the philosophy of “If you can’t say anything nice…”
I do believe the point of this site is to yes blog about the details of planning the wedding but to also share the growth/experiences that come along with becoming a couple. Marriage is not just about the materialistic things that come along with planning a wedding it’s also about 2 people uniting to become 1 and in that there are going to be ups and downs so blog away homie! i also agree that once something is posted in a forum like this then you are subject for both the negative and postive comments …. BUT ….. at this point if you are reading the blogs and they are not “very fun to read” then maybe you should move onto another one that peaks your interest. good luck miss handbag and im glad to see you and the soon to be hubby are on the right track of starting your lives together on a good note!
Handbag: don’t let a couple bad apple commentators get you down. Your posts are thoughtful and important. I for one would much rather read your posts than those of someone who writes exclusively about napkins and flowers.
HB–Girl, we have so much in common. The biggest issue we have is that we’ve branched out on our own and Mr. Socks’ family doesn’t understand, feels hurt, disrespected, and betrayed by something that is very natural for couples to do–become an independent unit, putting each other above all else. I applaud you for being honest about this, I think it’s something that a lot of people go through.
I haven’t written a post about it because this issue is something I’m always afraid I’ll never be able to phrase quite right, but I think you hit the nail on the head here for everything I’ve wanted to say! We will have too much to talk about on the 28th!!
I see what anonymous might have been trying to point out, that many of your posts so far haven’t been “flowers, cake tasting, here’s my DRESS.” But, a wedding just isn’t all these silly things we brides talk about, It IS about the marriage, life with your shared family, and that is what is most important in the long run. I think of your post not as negative, but just realistic and very mature. You and your fiance will have a great life together b/c you are aware of these roles and the weight behind two people deciding to spend their life together.
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Miss Handbag, Smyrna, DE/Jamaica Age and Occupation: 25, Administration Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Sales Engagement Date: Christmas Night 2008 Wedding Date: March 2011 Venue: Rosehall Resort, Montego Bay, Jamaica About Me: I am a Type A, emotional Italian fireball, who on a weekly basis must be brought back to reality by my level headed, calm, cool and collected fiance. We are planning an intimate, all white with hints of black, vintage inspired wedding on the old sugar aqueducts of Jamaica, with 30 of our closest friends and family flying in to witness the occasion. We are not traditional by any means and will be doing things very differently. :)
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