Weddingbee Blog

Every family has its own sorts of traditions, whether or not they seem to fit that label of “tradition”. We all have our own ways of doing things, which will be different (in either very obvious or more subtle ways) from the way your future spouse and his/her family are used to doing things. When both of you are of different nationalities, this makes it even more interesting. When we get married we have the somewhat scary job of forming a new family unit with its own traditions, and we have the choice to take the traditions we like or are comfortable with from our childhood families, and meld them into something new. This is something Mr E and I have been talking about a lot lately.

He’s Californian, I’m a Kiwi, but we both grew up in Indonesia. He celebrates the 4th of July, I commemorate ANZAC Day and Waitangi Day. For him, Christmas “back home” is warm and cozy, characterized by fuzzy jumpers (in green and red) and a great big Christmas tree. Christmas for my family is usually celebrated as a picnic and/or BBQ, sometimes on a beach or by a river so my Dad can fish and us kids can swim. We eat pavlova for dessert and Mr E eats pie. “Pie” for my family means a meat-filled pastry you can buy at the petrol station or a cafe, eaten with generous helpings of tomato sauce. Pie for him is always, always something sweet.

Thanksgiving is Mr E’s favourite holiday.

I celebrated my first (and only) Thanksgiving in 2008 when I was visiting him and his family in California. I approved of it very much, especially the turkey part!

The two of us with Mr E’s Grandpa at my very first Thanksgiving. Note the Black Friday catalogues on the table for the sales the day after Thanksgiving… that was another thing I was introduced to that year. (Photo taken by Mr E’s aunt)

It’s more than just holiday traditions as well. My family members are early to bed, late to rise. I have yet to find out if Mr E’s family sleep like normal people (they always seem to be up). My family treats sodas as big treats to have on birthdays and such, and Mr E’s family treats sodas like water. My family eats at the table, his eats with the TV. I have what may be called a “large” immediate family, plus my extended family is massive. I even know my third cousins. Mr E has a small “nuclear” family and only knows a few of his cousins. His family buys in bulk, my mother’s mantra is “quality over quantity”. I come from a colonial heritage—my grandparents emigrated to NZ from Kenya where they were farmers for many generations. Mr E’s family is red-blooded dessert-dwelling American on one side (*ahem* he calls that side… “white trash”. He said it, not me!), and Portuguese on the other. In my immediate family we can’t go to bed if we are in conflict with another family member until we have sorted it out (usually quite loudly!). In Mr E’s family conflict can be silent and drawn out for days or weeks.

Can you see how this can get complicated? All these different ways of “how it is done” and “that’s just the way we do it” are potential triggers for tension, especially when navigating the very early stages of forming a new family unit.

But we believe it doesn’t have to be that way. Mr E’s and my approach is to talk about these sorts of things as much as possible, both before and after the wedding day. We will probably be figuring these things out for our whole lifetimes, but that is part of the fun of it. It takes that long to learn all you can about someone, ya know. And even then… there is always more to find out! These discussions don’t have to be big serious discussions either (though some will be for obvious reasons). For instance, we were watching TV the other night and Mr E suddenly said, “how do you feel about having a TV in our bedroom when we are married?” He knows that is something that “isn’t done” in my family. But we talked about it, and I think that is something I can definitely get used to in my new family with Mr E.

Sometimes the decisions are easy, like deciding we will always celebrate Thanksgiving together from now on no matter what country we end up living in. How can you say no to a holiday that is so yummy,? The more we talk about things like that, things that we will keep doing in our future together, the more fun and less conflict-inducing it becomes. Also, it helps us learn (slowly!) that compromise can be good! Just because he/she does it differently, doesn’t mean they do it wrong. (I admit, I stuff up in this area quite a bit… but it is slowly sinking in.)

Have you thought about what traditions or “ways things are done” you and your spouse will establish in your family together? Have you found “melding” the ways things are done from your two (or more!) previous families difficult?