Weddingbee Blog

The past 6 years have been a journey of not only getting to know Mr Handy, but learning who I am. We started dating when I was 19 years old; he was 21. We were still very young and very naive. I had my own place and was quite comfortable doing my own thang and not having to answer to anyone. Within 7 months of dating, we made the decision to find an apartment together. I have learned throughout the years that my biggest struggle is either to be the traditional Italian wife who cooks, cleans, takes care of her husband’s every need, or be the independent, sassy, go-getter kind of gal. I grew up with a mother who tended to her husband’s every need and she put her career and her needs on the backburner for so many years because that’s just what she was taught wives do. Today’s woman is strong, independent and sassy. I love both worlds.

During the first few years of our relationship I was very much the traditional Italian (soon-to-be) wife. I cooked every night, I did the laundry, I cleaned the apartment, I took care of everything and I LOVED it. The only job he had was his normal 9-5 and to take care of the finances. That was OK with me. I felt needed and I felt like this was exactly how it should have been.

After three years of the apartment living, we decided to buy a house.

We moved in, got settled, and I felt different about my “traditional role”. I was still working during the day, but then coming home to cooking, cleaning, laundry, and now the finances. Mr Handy felt that the finances were becoming too much of a headache with a mortgage and all the extra bills that came along with it and he asked me to take them over. I agreed, and added that to my ever growing list of responsibilities.

I felt trapped and I hated it. I worked at a job that I didn’t like, I had no college education, and I practically made myself a slave to my own life. I decided to go to school for Elementary Education. I love children; I have always wanted to be a teacher and I felt that I needed to do it while I was still young enough, before marriage and babies came into the picture. I enrolled full time in our community college, still worked full time during the day, and still had all of my other responsibilities; cooking, cleaning, etc. Within the first year of school, it just became too much. I had way too much on my plate.

I was stuck between the traditional wife and the independent woman. I wanted to take care of Mr Handy, I wanted to feel needed, but I also wanted to take control of my own life and be somebody. I wanted to feel accomplished and powerful.

I started handing some responsibilities off to Mr Handy. He was in charge of the dishes and he cooked on the nights that I had class (I did 3 classes on campus, 2 online). I know it’s not much, but I had a hard time letting go of some responsibilities because I feared that he would get overwhelmed and resent me. (Crazy right?) So I continued to work 8 hours a day, come home, grab dinner, go to class for 5 hours, then home to fall asleep in my books, wake up in the middle of the night, run laundry, check online banking, pay bills, fall back asleep, and do it all over again.

I just graduated from the community college with an Associates Degree in Elementary Education. I was awarded with Dean’s List and an academic excellence certificate and sent on my way.

I have enrolled at the University for the fall semester (in 2 weeks!!) to complete my Bachelor’s Degree. My adviser seems to think with my past grades and academic ethic that I will graduate by May 2012. 2 more full years of studying, classes, tests, observation hours in schools, and then 5 months of student teaching and I will be qualified to teach.

Going into this semester, I think things are going to be different. I am OK now with letting go of some responsibilities. I understand that to “cater” to my (soon to be) husband, doesn’t mean I have to be his slave. It means that I will hug him when he needs a hug, kiss him when he needs some attention, be his ear when he needs to talk, and lift him up when he needs some support. It has taken many years of me busting chops and driving myself to tears because of overwhelming responsibilities to realize that he doesn’t care if the dishes are done, or if dinner is perfectly sitting on the table. He needs a wife who has his back when he needs it and has open arms at all times.

He sees everything that I have accomplished and he respects me now more then he did before. He loves the powerful, independent, sassy girl, but he also loves when I do my thing in the kitchen. I have learned to balance my world and in the long run, I am happier, which makes him happy.

I think the key to changing, and growing together, is to listen to your heart and your gut. If you’re unhappy about something in your life, change it. When you are unhappy, you start to resent your partner. I would find myself getting angry that I had to come home and clean, cook, etc. In reality, that wasn’t his role; it was mine. So, expecting him to be a mind reader and tackle those jobs for me was silly.

Have you learned your role in your relationship? Did you struggle with the roles of the traditional woman and the new modern sassy wife? How did your SO grow with you?