Weddingbee Blog

I’m definitely digging this book. I commend the author for doing the research and sharing it with the rest of us. As I am very close to the beginning of my own marriage, Ms. Gilbert gives me food for thought when she writes of the Hmong women: “Neither the grandmother nor any other woman in that room was placing her marriage at the center of her emotional biography…” (pg. 35).

This is interesting to me because throughout the years (and various boyfriends), I have found that really no man can be the center of my emotional biography. I know when I need to talk to a woman. When I want a specific response, women are really the ones to go to. Our emotional wells are deeper than most men I know—and inevitably I’m frustrated when I don’t get the emotional response I know I want, and men get frustrated when they can’t help or give you what you want. I’m not saying that men aren’t sensitive to our feelings; they do give emotional support and really really great hugs, but come on, they don’t “get it” like your girlfriends do. Just ask your man if he wants to talk about feelings. Do yourself a favor—go to the right friends when you need something specific. Or tell your partner exactly what it is that you need. And if you don’t know, figure it out. How can you get what you need if you don’t know what it is? Just sayin’…

Gilbert also writes about our freedom to choose, based on “the emotional trademark of [our] culture to seek happiness” (pg. 43). That is absolutely true. I have always pursued whatever it was that “made me happy” in the moment. That is just the way its always been! The problem with this kind of liberating freedom is that several things contribute to happiness, and you can’t always have/do them at the same time. For example, it has been difficult to nurture and maintain relationships when all I’ve wanted to do is travel. And in the end, either the relationship or the job had to go. Happiness is something we do have a right to pursue, but there is a fine line when it comes to other people “making you happy.” While your partner should contribute to a “happier you,” he or she doesn’t live to make you happy. That kind of expectation is the groundwork for battle.

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I really love Chapter 3, Marriage and History. It should be required reading before everyone gets married. Describing what marriage is is a good place to start before you take the plunge. Gilbert gives a good history on the unions between one man and several women and vice versa, a woman and a dead man, two men (in ancient Rome), and even a union between two children. Crazy right?

But the most interesting history to me is that of Christianity and marriage. When Christianity was introduced, most of civilization was built around bloodlines, extended families, tribes, and kingdoms. When Jesus introduced the idea that we are “all brothers and sisters united within one human family” (pg. 56), he effectively deconstructed the social structure of of society. Early Christians were taught to repress their “human desires” to become like the angels, following “Christ’s own example: celibacy, fellowship, and absolute purity” (pg. 56).

Now I’m not here to ruffle the feathers of my Christian fellowship or to make a huge deal—if you want to continue with Gilbert’s history lesson, feel free to read pages 57-60. But it seems as if the Christian church waited until much later, when it began to play a political role in the thirteenth century, to involve itself with the previously “secular institution monitored by families and civil courts” (pg. 64).

With the church uninvolved with marriage for so many years, it was seen as a “highly efficient form of wealth management and social order, requiring some sort of organizing structure from the larger community” (pg. 61). And honestly, to me, living in the modern world, this is what marriage seems to be now. My friends going through divorce aren’t worried about breaking their covenant with God; they seem to be more worried about who’s going to get what and regaining their freedom to pursue their individual happiness. A number of friends seem disillusioned with marriage—Who needs it? Why should I get married? We’re pretty happy now; what would making it legal do except effectively lock us into a contract that is very difficult to get out of? And in today’s modern society, where everyone is “pursuing their own happiness,” it’s not looked down upon to not get married. Hey, if it makes you happy…

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Have you read this book? What do you think of it so far?