Good Wife, Bad Friend (Or Vice Versa)

Good Wife, Bad Friend (Or Vice Versa)

August 23rd, 2010 @ 4:55 pm by Mrs. Trail Mix
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Ugggggh, you guys. I just left a message for a friend who shared some exciting news (she’s moving in with her boyfriend) via email while I was on my honeymoon. You know, the honeymoon that I took back in June. And it’s now the middle of August and I just called her.

I know for some of you this may not be a huge deal (hey, at least I did finally call, right?) but for me, it’s a Biggie, Biggie, Biggie. (Can’t you see? Sometimes your words just hypnotize me. An I just love yo’ flashy ways, I guess that’s why they broke and yo’ so paid… Sorry, sometimes early ’90s rap just speaks to me. Anyone? Anyone?)

Anyways, my girlfriends are my life support, my allies, my therapists, my sounding boards and I pride myself on being a very, very good friend.

With my high school friends at our wedding… We couldn’t quite get it together to smile for the photographer but I love this picture even more the way it is…

For the past five years that Mr Trail Mix and I have been together, spending time with my friends has been a major priority.

When we started dating seriously, I forced myself not to be one of those girls who can never do anything without her boyfriend. And because of this, I’ve often received compliments from my friends on what a good job I’ve done of making sure to be a presence in their lives. And I’m like, yeah, I know it because it’s been a conscious decision that at times, is frickin’ hard as hell!

So, yes, making sure that my friends know I am around to hang out and watch Sex and the City has been at the top of my list for a while now. I’ve put serious time, effort and work into my friendships and have enjoyed reaping the benefits of such strong relationships. Basically, my friends kick ass and I’m so damn lucky to be a part of their lives.

But now that I’m married, something’s changed. It’s hard to put my finger on how, exactly, or what’s not the same, but all I know is things feel different.

Now, when I leave my husband for a movie night with the girls, there’s some serious internal turmoil going on. It’s one thing to go out with your friends when you’re dating someone but now that I’m a wife? It feels, somehow, not right. I feel guilty, like I’m not making my relationship with my husband the number one priority (even though God knows we spend an inordinate amount of time together). And guilt is a strong emotion.

But on the other hand, I resent these feelings. I don’t want to assume “wife” as my primary identity because I like the “friend” identity as well. And I’ve done my share of eye-rolling when a friend becomes immersed with her new boy-toy and drops off the face of the earth. Right now, I think some of my friends are rolling their eyes at me and wondering if I’ll ever respond to an email again.

This is a new feeling for me. Never before has it bothered me to leave my man for some quality time with friends. In fact, I used to welcomed the chance for a few hours apart when we lived in a studio together (one room, people. You try living with someone in ONE. ROOM. for two years…).

I’m a strong, independent feminist who, all of a sudden, can’t bear to leave her husband for even a few hours. Major ew, right? At least, that’s how I feel…

I love you all to pieces, dear heart bridesmaids!

In essence, it boils down to this: I love my husband. I love my girlfriends. But balancing the time spent with everyone has me still struggling to find a happy medium between the two.

I’m not sure what I’m hoping to accomplish by writing about this. Perhaps that some of my friends who read my blog will accept my open apology for having fallen off the face of the earth? Maybe some of you have experienced the same feelings and can offer up some insight or advice?

What’s your take on this conundrum? Do you put your husband first no matter what? Do you feel guilty when you spend time with your friends? What have you done to balance the conflicting pull between “wife” and “friend”?

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15 Responses to “Good Wife, Bad Friend (Or Vice Versa)”

Member

LittlestBirds (message) 2,626 posts, Sugar bee

One gem of advice from our pre-marriage counseling course: by making time do involve yourself in activities independent from your spouse, including spending time with friends, you ARE putting your marriage as your top priority. Married couples have to spend lots of quality time together, it’s true, but it’s toxic for two people to have no lives whatsoever outside of what they share. By doing something you love (nurturing your friendships) independently, leaving your loving husband to spend an evening pursuing his own interests, you’re taking care of yourself by making sure you stay just as vibrant and passionate and kind and supported as you were when he fell in love with you. So keep being a kickass friend! I agree with you completely that it’s a damn shame when you see people of either gender just let their social bonds dissolve in a misguided effort to spent every waking moment glued to their significant other. Don’t be that guy.

8/23/10 @ 5:13 pm (reply)

Member

KtobeC (message) 103 posts, Blushing bee

I’ve noticed the same thing about myself. I really made a huge effort to hang out with my friends all of the time, but I find myself wanting downtime with my husband now more than anything. Sometimes I wonder though if it’s more about taking a break post-wedding, not planning anything or coordinating people, maybe it will ebb and flow?

8/23/10 @ 5:19 pm (reply)

Member

aruka11 (message) 615 posts, Busy bee

Wholeheartedly agree with @LittlestBirds! And yet, I know the predicament - I find myself loving to relax with the Mr. instead of having to go out on a weekend. Lame! I think it will take time, but with your obvious dedication to both your Mr. and your friends, the balance will work itself out.

8/23/10 @ 5:53 pm (reply)

Bee

Mrs. Quiche (message) 3,163 posts, Sugar bee

I never feel guilty for spending time with friends. In my opinion, it is essential for a healthy, functioning relationship! It can be hard to make time for everything we have going on in our lives, but it is so important!

8/23/10 @ 5:59 pm (reply)

Guest

Teresa M

I know that I need my girlfriends because they get me through crappy times. There is something about a girl that is just better than when I tell my boyfriend some really bad news. He says it will be okay, or I’m sorry, but that’s about it. Sometimes I just have to really talk about it for real.

Your friend shouldn’t care your phone was off on your honeymoon!!! it SHOULD be. don’t feel like a bad person.

But take the time for girls night. Your girls are important. Pool time, shoe shopping, dessert dates— it doesn’t have to infringe on what you do with your hubbie, just make it happen! You’ll be happy.

8/23/10 @ 5:59 pm (reply)

Member

avhill (message) 33 posts, Newbee

My husband is a professional sportsman and travels every week for his job. Before we married I worked and only saw him about a week a month, but when we got married I felt like in order to give us a real chance to build on our relationship I needed to quit my job (nights and weekends 7 days a month is just NOT enough.) I’ve now started traveling with him and in the beginning I really struggled with feeling like I was losing myself (who am I kidding, I still struggle.) I still feel like I’m abandoning my family in friends in order to spend more time with him and it’s a constant mind battle. But I’m starting to learn that it’s okay to take a week off and not travel with him…and when we are home together I leave him quite often to hang out with my friends, brothers, etc.

I know it’s not totally the same situation but this post really spoke to me. I’m learning slowly how to balance my new life with my old one, how to be a good wife AND good, daughter, friend, etc.

8/23/10 @ 8:25 pm (reply)

Member

Salsals (message) 100 posts, Blushing bee

The thing that I struggle with most is the AMOUNT of time to spend out with friends. My FI honestly doesn’t love it when I go out with my girls without him, but I do it anyway because I love them and I know it’s important. And I don’t feel guilty for it, in general. But then sometimes, my friends want to stay out late and party (they’re fun, what can I say?), and that’s where I start to feel guilty and like I should go home and be a good fiance. And generally, by 10 or 11, I’m kind of looking forward to going home and crawling into bed anyway. So generally I do that, but then sometimes I feel like I’m not being a good friend since I leave early instead of raging all night. And also, I only go out with my friends about once a week because I feel like more than that would be too much, and sometimes I feel guilty about that too, that I’m not going out often enough (it’s different groups of friends so it’s not like I see all my friends once a week, or even once a month). Anyway no real advice but I guess my point was…I feel you! Good luck! And it you find a solution, tell me so I can copy it

8/23/10 @ 10:17 pm (reply)

Member

Miss Taco Night (message) 241 posts, Helper bee

I struggle with this guilt as a fiance, so I’d imagine it will be worse as a wife. I still go out with friends every so often, but people moved away after graduation, and my friends who stayed like to go out bar-hopping. That’s never really been “me”- I did it during college because that’s what everyone did, but now when I can go home around 10 and get into sweatpants with FI, I can’t resist leaving early.

I’m sure there’s a fair amount of eye rolling that goes on. But these are still my friends, and I feel like you can pick right back up with true friends no matter how much time you’ve spent apart. Don’t beat yourself up

8/23/10 @ 11:08 pm (reply)

Member

jordynrose (message) 6,351 posts, Bee Keeper

I have this same problem. Most of my friends are OOT, so it is really difficult to find a good time to sit down and call any of them. I feel like I barely see FI during the week with our work schedules, so weeknight calls are out. That leaves the weekend, but that is when we spend our time together.

8/23/10 @ 11:55 pm (reply)

10.

Bee

Miss Glasses (message) 2,741 posts, Sugar bee

To be honest, I don’t have many girlfriends left in Japan. They’ve all pretty much packed up and moved home. I am very concerned about when I move home, I won’t be able to find a balance between hometown girlfriends and Mr. G. I think to a certain extent though, girlfriends understand that when you get married, especially as a newlywed, your priorities change and they take that into consideration. Its not about getting dressed up and going down to the bars for games of pool every weekend anymore. I wish there was an easy way to find the balance!

8/24/10 @ 3:36 am (reply)

11.

Bee

Mrs. Pug (message) 3,753 posts, Honey bee

you’re a newlywed and enjoying it! you get a little slack for wanting to really appreciate this special time and fun-loving summer with your new hubbie! based on your past efforts and attitude, you will probably settle back into that balance between friends and husband that you do so well. but don’t feel guilty, it’s been a very eventful and fun summer.

8/24/10 @ 11:12 am (reply)

12.

Bee

Mrs. Cola (message) 2,870 posts, Sugar bee

Hmmm, I’m kind of glad I don’t have this problem, or I would be torn too! Luckily Mr. C is my best friend, so I’m always going to choose my friend AND my husband!

8/24/10 @ 6:11 pm (reply)

13.

Member

fromcharleston (message) 651 posts, Busy bee

one love that 90s rap song the local top 40 station sometimes throws out an oldie but goodie like that and they’ve played that several times in the past few weeks.

8/24/10 @ 11:53 pm (reply)

14.

Member

nicoliolihpf (message) 230 posts, Helper bee

I tend to be more of a fall off the face of the earth person, and that has definitely created certain problems for me. But you know what? I really appreciate having that time with Daniel, and I don’t think it’s a bad thing to want to spend a bunch of time with your husband. Of course it’s important to maintain friendships, but it doesn’t sound like you’re going to abandon your friends for your new husband. You’re in the honeymoon period. It’s OK to want to spend every minute together. Just as long as you let your friends know you still want to hang out with them, I’m sure it’ll be fine.

8/25/10 @ 4:05 pm (reply)

15.

Bee

Mrs. Buttons (message) 5,046 posts, Bee Keeper

Hm, this is definitely tough! I totally get what you’re saying; it is a hard balance to figure out! However, all of my friends live in other states, so Mr. B is pretty much my only (and best) friend. I have been invited to a few gatherings with a friend from high school, but since they are usually all female get-togethers, it pains me to think about leaving Mr. B at home. It is so bizarre to feel this way too, as before I was with Mr. B, I was so incredibly independent.

8/26/10 @ 5:42 pm (reply)