Weddingbee Blog

It sounds like the title of a psychiatrist’s new book, doesn’t it?

I don’t often become offended by people’s curiosity-driven questions. I pride myself on being an understanding person and on always being able to place myself in others’ shoes. Like many, I find “random chat” conversations to be extremely awkward and I myself have been known to shove my foot into my mouth, down my throat, and out the ass. In fact, if a close friend or family member asks an odd question, I am almost always happy to answer, as I feel they are taking a genuine interest in my life. Weird. However, when it comes to strangers or mere acquaintances, I am less forgiving about off-the-wall questions. So without further ado, codependence and the offensive things people say…

Kitty meow meow

Where is Zeb? Oh boy. I will most definitely crack a joke, at your expense, when you ask this question. Nothing says “Why are you out without him (and where’s your leash)?” quicker than your stated interest in where he is. Trust me, I know he is a great person; I’d rather be talking to him than myself as well, but we have our own lives. Being together after eight years and going to different colleges brought us to a wonderful place called Independence. If you happen to be the lucky third person to ask me this question at the same event, watch out: I’ve probably already had a few drinks and I’m feeling feisty. If you want my honest opinion on why our relationship works so well, it is because we never exclude each other from our lives but are accepting when the other doesn’t want to participate in something.

How old are you? When did this become an acceptable question to ask? WHEN!? Tell me. Half the time even I can’t remember my age. Look, if you cannot figure my age out by looking at me and talking to me, it certainly doesn’t matter. We aren’t at recess and there is no prize if you are half a year older or younger than me, give or take. I’m an open book, but this question is pointless and rude. My ultimate favorite is when someone lobs this question during a conversation about marriage. You are either in the “too old” or “too young” category immediately, and therefore your marriage is doomed. I know people of all different ages, races, religions, etc., and there is no rhyme or reason to why people get divorced. I don’t care what you—in your very expert opinion, with your very ridiculous statistic—think; numbers don’t matter. Determination and a high pain tolerance will keep your marriage alive. Yep. There, I said it.

When are you going to have a baby? Did you just ask me about my sex life? I think you did! Ha. This question gets me all warm and fuzzy. I like talking about babies and being in a spot in my life where they are soon to be a very real possibility. This question goes hand in hand with marriage, always. I am going to say this, and I want you to listen real hard: Most people do not want to tell you about their plans to have a baby. I don’t mind before the wedding if you ask these questions, but after, you better stop. There are so many couples out there who have trouble trying to conceive. Your question is like a knife to the heart for those people.

Am I invited to the wedding? We’ve gotten this question quite a few times. My answer: If you have to ask in order to secure yourself a spot, you probably aren’t invited. If you were invited, you probably just got cut. Ha. My friend got suckered into inviting a person in this way who didn’t bother to show up. One hundred dollars down the toilet on a person you weren’t going to invite anyway. Not cool.

Are you going to be a bridezilla? For real, somebody asked me this. Listen, this phrase is so overused and unmerited it makes me sick. There are tensions running high at every wedding: jealousy, family issues, alcohol, etc. Somebody is inevitably going to be an asshole and issue this little phrase. Why does the female always get the bad rap? We are so terrible to each other. I am planning the wedding, Zeb is “helping” sometimes, and yes, I do get frustrated. There is a ton of work that’s going into creating this wedding. If something goes wrong, I may get upset, but it’s not because I’m shallow. It is because I put two years and a shitload of money into planning it. If someone does not hold up their end of the contract, and I’m paying them to hold up their end of the contract, well, yeah, they have some splainin’ to do. Doesn’t make me a bridezilla. Furthermore, the women who think their friends are now just “bridesmaids” and should stop their lives to help them make oh-so-important poofs are self-centered, but their friends probably already knew that.

Recently, I’ve been chatting with people at bars, either practicing my conversational skills or really interested in their lives, when the conversation takes a turn to Funky Town. I don’t mind listening to random people’s divorce stories. Really, I don’t. However, I really dislike it when they come full circle and start comparing my engagement to their ultimate divorce.

Funky Town for instance: I’ve got a pregnant friend who loves her cat. She was talking to somebody who was telling her a story about a friend’s cat who went haywire, jumped at the wife’s belly, clawed down her stomach so deep that she required stitches. The husband had to take the cat out back and shoot it. Real nice to tell an already scared pregnant person.

I know I went on a bit of a rant, but I’m sure you either were intrigued because you agree, or you saw all the type and decided to skip this post. Whatever it may be, I love you all and will probably answer your stupid questions, but be prepared for a quick quip back from yours truly. And if I am so lucky as to become pregnant someday, don’t say anything stupid or I’m going to pregzilla your ass.