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A little while ago I mentioned to another bride how we’re probably not having a rehearsal and she was completely shocked. She couldn’t fathom how someone wasn’t having one and felt the need to go through the whole, “OMIGOD, I can’t believe you’re not having a rehearsal. How will the wedding possibly go right?” spiel.
Apparently she’s used to one specific type of wedding and was shocked to hear that different people do things different ways. Good thing I didn’t tell her about my flower girls or Mr. Knitting’s wedding watch! I think she realized a couple seconds after that that was a rude thing to say to me and kind of backpedaled on all of that, but it got me thinking.
There are lots of things people include in their weddings that I’m not a fan of. Similarly, there are lots of things I love and think are completely essential that other people aren’t interested in. However, I would NEVER make a negative comment about someone’s wedding to their faces. There’s no need for that and that would just make me an annoying bitchy person. Similarly I don’t care if someone else doesn’t like the choices I’ve made for our wedding, but there is no need to say anything about it to me.
Not my role models:
Anyway, I’m happy with and proud of all the choices we’re making for our wedding so this individual’s comment didn’t really upset me, but it was rude and annoying. It was also surprising for me because I spend so much time on Weddingbee where we’re all making our own choices and we all (usually!) respect the fact that other people make different choices than us. Anyway, for fun I thought I’d list some of the other things that the wedding police might come after me for, but that I’m personally very happy about:
A Rehearsal
We don’t really need one. Our ceremony isn’t the slightest bit complicated. We’ll probably block it out about 10 minutes before the wedding. We do like eating food though, so we will have a dinner with our immediate families the night before. We also have something else pretty exciting in the works and I’ll tell you all about it once it’s finalized.
Save the Dates
We’ve told people when our wedding is and that they can expect an invitation. That’s enough for us. This decision was made based on laziness, money, environmentalism, and the fact that I’ve never actually personally received an STD (that’s what she said!).
Invitation Components
I’m ridiculously excited about our invites, but they are comprised of literally one piece. No maps, no directions, no RSVP cards…nothing. I’ll explain more in a few weeks once we’ve actually sent them out.
Wedding Ring for Mr. K
I wrote about this here and here, but the short story is that he doesn’t love rings and has bony knuckles so we bought him a watch instead.
Garter Toss
No one is going under my dress in public. I would die of awkwardness, especially since my Ukrainian grandfather would probably make all kinds of really embarrassing comments. Once when I yawned in front of him he told me I was probably tired from being “busy” the night before, except he didn’t use the word busy.
Tuxes
I got a bit bullied at a wedding show when I said that I didn’t think our groom and groomsmen would be wearing tuxes that coordinated with our fathers. Mr. Knitting likes his suit so they’re going to wear suits. Easy. I’m not sure how the suit company thought they’d get a sale out of me by bullying me.
Matching Bridesmaids Dresses
This would have also been difficult for me to coordinate because of a variety of body types and budgets. I also just prefer a not so matchy look, so that works out well.
Flower Girls
I wrote about this here, but basically my FGs are old (in a cute and adorable way!).
There’s probably lots more, but again, I don’t care. Our plan with the wedding is that everything is there because we want it to be and because we think it adds something to the wedding. My family is really not “traditional” and has no preconceived notions of what our wedding should be like, aside from the necessity of an open bar (That’s my mom. Have you seen her wedding cake companion?)!
What are the wedding “essentials” that you aren’t interested in? What’s the most rude or annoying comment you’ve gotten about your wedding?
SO MANY, including some of these! No flower girl or ring bearer, no unity ceremony (I guess I figure exchanging rings and vows is enough a symbol of unity that I don’t really need to pour colored sand in a vase to make that anymore clear), no boutonnieres for the men, no bouquet or garter toss (I never got up for any bouquet toss because they embarrass me, so I won’t be having one).
can i tell you how much i adore this post? you go miss knitting! the ostrich wedding is also all about “redefining tradition.” we’re doing things we want to do and make sense for our celebration, and nothing more.
no tuxes, no garter toss, no mother/son - father/daughter dance, no multi-tiered cake. and in the filipino tradition there is this thing called the “money dance,” - not doing that either!
your wedding sounds awesome so far and i can’t wait to see the pics from the day 
I think what you’re doing sounds perfect. We aren’t having a garter toss (EWW) or tuxes either. It’s YOUR wedding…. you aren’t going to look back in 20 years and think, “I wish that so-and-so had thought my wedding was perfect.” You’re going to look back and say, “I am so glad that my wedding was perfect!”
I’m an encore bride, and I can’t even imagine doing the FG/RB thing, or the garter thing. And STDs….not to crazy about those when invites are sooooo expensive anyway (and they get tossed…ugh!).
I’m so glad you’re doing it YOUR way, because that’s what will make it wonderful for you and your future husband.
We are also forgoing the rehearsal, attendants, garter and bouquet toss, first dance and anything else that screams traditional wedding to us. What we will have, people we love, that love us, celebrating with good food, great drinks and fantastic music.
The worst comment thus far has been from my cousin’s wife you said ” A wedding is a total waste of money”. You know what missy, it is our money and I don’t think spending it so our loved ones can be with us when we get married is a bad thing. Guess who isn’t invited?
Oh thank God. The ONLY reason I am having a rehearsal is because my priest insisted. He’s not meeting with us at any other time, so I’m just going with it. No garter, no bouquet toss, no ushers, no sit down dinner, no flower centerpieces, no bridesmaids, no STDs, no cake, no unity candle, no programs. Yes to cupcake tasting, wine tasting, wedding dress…and YES to marrying the love of my life and having an awesome celebration with our friends and family!
LOVE this post. You’re so right. There’s never a good reason or excuse for saying something cross about another person’s choices in regards to their wedding. I LOVE all your unique details, and I’m sure your family will too, so it’s awesome your doing what you love. PERIOD. We’re not doing a garter toss either, and we’re definitely toying with the idea of different bridesmaid dresses…
I think its awesome that you are doing whatever you feel like doing and NOT doing whatever you dont feel like doing.
I’ve recently been in a wedding where there was no rehearsal and there was mass confusion but then again there were ten bridesmaids and 6 or 7 groomsmen it was bound to be confusing!
And that wasnt your wedding. Your wedding, you do you!
Good Luck!
We had a rehearsal, and the priest who married us didn’t even show up so we were still winging it the next day. We were also anti-garter/bouquet and didn’t do it. No bridal party dance besides the bride & groom, and not only did we do a first look, we walked down the aisle TOGETHER! Although that was the Catholic Church’s idea. Someone is always going to have a negative opinion about something with your wedding, so I just decided pretty early on to say “eff it” and just kept a lot of the details to myself. The important thing is to make the day something that reflects who you two are- not what anyone else thinks, so good for you for sticking to your guns!
I have to have a rehearsal because I’m paranoid about things like that, but our officiant is doing the ‘quickie’ as he calls it - he’s going to have us married in 5 minutes or less. So no unity candles or readings, etc.
Things we’re doing -
My fiance is having his own song and he is walking down the aisle with 2 female attendants (my nieces). He has no best man, in fact, the entire wedding party is female.
No ring bearer, no STDs, no programs, no garter toss, but I am doing the bouquet toss just because I have a lot of younger guests who wanted me to do it.
My mom is walking me down the aisle to an Elvis song.
I’m having trivia cards on the tables, a photo collage, and one of those “guestbookstore” knockoff guest books (found on WB’s DIY pages). We’re having a small cake for us and sheet cake for the guests. We’re also doing a sweetheart table.
My wedding is fairly traditional, but the one thing that I keep getting rude comments on is ‘wow, that’s a lot of people, that’s a lot of work’
Our guest list is 270 and about 250 are scheduled to attend. We get a lot of passive agressive comments about the size of it.
I think people think we are doing it to get a lot of gifts or somthing (which is a couterproductive idea when you think that it costs to have all those people there)
There is only 2 people at the wedding that I won’t know (a couple from FMIL’s church) and 2 that FI won’t know (friends of my parents) everyone else is there because we want them there and we want to celebrate with them. We want a big, down-home shindig. Big doesn’t equal extravagant! ok. vent over.
We skipped STDs too.
Love hearing about everyone’s non-traditional choices!
Things we’re doing without:
Engagement ring
Rehearsal
Attendants
Flower girl/ring bearer
Dancing
Registry
Bouquet/garter toss (not a chance in hell)
Father walking me down the aisle
Favors
Tuxes
The rudest thing anyone’s said to me about it was actually from my otherwise-wonderful mother, who, upon learning that we were forgoing a registry, looked at me in horror and said, “This is one of those ‘what are you THINKING?!’ moments!”
No unity candle, no bouquet/garter toss, no STDs, no FG/RB… There hasn’t been a whole lot of griping about anything except for the ban on kids. Who knew people would get their panties in such a wad about having to leave their kids at home for a night or two?
Oh, gosh, what’s the character limit for a reply? LOL… We’re getting married on the beach in the Florida Keys, so there’s lots of room for creativity… Here’s what we’re doing differently:
- Cocktails served when guests arrive, before the ceremony
- No tuxes or suits/ties - linen pants and guayaberas for the guys
- Bridal party, including bridesmaids and groomsmen, are all kids under 12
- They will not carry bouquets or throw petals (parasols for the BMs, a wand for the FG)
- Dinner and dancing on the sand - so no shoes required!
- No garter/bouquet toss
- No father/daughter or mother/son dance
- No bridal party dance
- No cake cutting… because there will be no cake! LOL (I don’t like cake, and I REALLY don’t like cake at $5-$8 a head!)… we’ll be serving Key Lime Pie instead
- No groom’s cake, but we will have small “grandma’s cake” for the groom’s grandma who is a cake fiend and was horrified about the no-cake thing
- No “giving me away” - I will walk myself halfway and my groom will meet me so we walk the rest of the way together
- No chairs, no marked aisle - guests will create two rows to create the aisle just before the ceremony (everyone gets a front-row seat!), and then gather around us standing in a circle for the ceremony
- No arch, canopy or other decoration for the ceremony — our backdrop will be two coconut palm trees, the water and the sunset
- As soon as the ceremony ends, before we walk down the our first-dance song will begin and we will do our first dance as the sun sets
behind us
And the most annoying thing I’ve heard from a friend (who happens to be a wedding planner :): “Guests EXPECT certain things at a wedding!” LOL
I love this post! We’re also not doing a flower girl or ring bearer, matching dresses, or a bouquet/garter toss. We’re also not doing any cake cutting.
That story about your grandfather is hilarious!
The most annoying thing i heard while planning my wedding was always in response to various decor ideas of mine: “but no one is going to notice!” UG i hated that! it frustrated me beyond belief. I am a designer and a very detail oriented person, so when it came to the wedding i wanted everything to be cohesive and beautiful. duh. so no, not every tiny detail will be noticed by every guest but all the details come together to form the complete picture, which would not work if any detail was off.
So Miss Knitting, I love all your non-traditional ideas, especially the flower girls! I wish I had thought of that. But I actually want to recommend you rethink the rehearsal. Don’t take for granted just how important it will be to run through the ceremony, no matter how seemingly simple. I could foresee many possible snafus happening without one: bridesmaids walking down the isle at uneven intervals, the wedding party lining up asymmetrically, the timing being off from the music, etc. these things don’t just fall into place, they need to be practiced. Don’t take for granted all the smooth running ceremonies you’ve seen before. They don’t automatically end up that way, they were rehearsed.
I got married a few weeks ago and throughout the planning process I had so many questions where I answered…”Oh we’re not doing that.”
Here are just some of the conversations I had over the course of planning.
The groom and groomsmen wore gray suits.
“What color gray?”
“It doesn’t matter”
“But then they won’t match”
“I DON’T CARE!”
“What are your colors”
“Oh we’re not really doing colors”
“Ohhhh”
While we did follow many traditions, we didn’t have a flower girl, ring bearer, matching bridesmaids dresses etc
and it was the most perfect day ever!
that i “can’t” get married without an engagement ring. lolz.
@ariellebride: oh we did the matching-but-not-matching grey suits for the guys too! we just had them all wear the grey suit they already owned, and incidentally they happened to all be roughly the same color anyway. but if they had been a wide range of greys that would have been fine too
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Mrs. Knitting, Toronto Age and Occupation: 24, Student Recruitment Assistant Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Neuroscience PhD Candidate Engagement Date: October 2009 Wedding Date: December 2010 Venue: University of Toronto Faculty Club About Me: I'm a pearl wearing, etiquette book reading Toronto girl who loves cooking and baking, museums, charm bracelets, and collecting books on Jackie Kennedy (a lot). I've been known to spend Sunday mornings at the antique market, Wednesday evenings at sister sushi dinners, and any bit of spare time reading. After six and a half years of many late night walks, watching DVDs together in bed, travelling to places like New York, and Tobermory, doing Sudokus together on the couch, lots of Indian food, the occasional yoga class, moving in together and so much more, Mr. Knitting and I are planning a cozy Christmasy (it's a word!), vintage wedding in Toronto complete with many DIY projects (eek!) and lots of help from our amazing group of family and friends.
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