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Bear with me. I might get up on a soapbox, and I might ramble a bit.
The reason I put the title of this post in quotes is because I have issues about calling divorce “the D word.” I don’t care if anyone else does it, but I won’t do it myself. And the reason is that divorce isn’t a dirty word. It’s not a taboo subject. It’s something that should be acknowledged, not tiptoed around.
My parents separated when I was five years old. Even at that age, I remember being relieved that my mom and dad were going to be living in separate houses because then they wouldn’t fight so much anymore. They tried to make it work before my mom moved out, and they even reunited briefly once, but they were miserable together and happier apart.
So, honestly, I think that sometimes divorce can be a good thing. It’s messy and upsetting and difficult and can be ugly, even devastating. But I would much rather get divorced than stay in a marriage that’s not working out.
I’m not saying that I’d be like “Oh, this marriage thing is harder than I expected—let’s get divorced.” But if I were in a bad marriage, and counseling didn’t help, and we’d tried absolutely everything, I’d consider divorce as a last resort. Or, if I was married to a man who abused me physically or emotionally, you bet your ass I’d rather be divorced than stay with him.
I’m not saying that I plan on ending up divorced. I love Mr. S with all my heart, and he and I are in it for the long haul. And I’m not saying that I think the term should be used lightly in a marriage, as an empty threat or to push your partner’s buttons.
But I don’t think that we should treat divorce as a taboo subject. That’s all.
What are your opinions about talking about divorce? Do you use the phrase “the D word?”
I’ve never heard of “the D word.” Divorce happens… and sometimes it’s for the better. I’d say it was for the better with a pair of friends (I was friends with both before they got together). They’re MUCH better off now. My parents divorced when I was 8, and I didn’t have a problem with it. I just had two homes.
I think it’s super important to talk about divorce (and no, I don’t use “the d word” either). I grew up with a lot of women who were utterly *miserable* in their marriages, and I suspect that some of those women were abused, too. But, because of the religion we were all in, they refused to consider divorce. Even at a young age, I think it was stupid that an institution was more important than a person.
Clearly, I don’t want to end up divorcing. I know it painful, stressful, etc - but I do have “deal breakers” that I would leave the marriage over - cruelty, adultery, abuse, untreated addiction, major violations of trust, etc. FH has the same deal breakers. Both FH and I are strong believers in counseling and such, so we would try to work out what we could.
But, knowing that divorce is available to me, should the unthinkable happen and I need it to protect myself or my children, is a strangely comforting thought - I don’t have to be like the women of my childhood, miserable and possibly abused.
We’re betting on forever. But divorce is not a dirty word. We both believe that sometimes it’s for the best. I too was relieved when my parents split. That doesn’t mean that we won’t work to stay together.
I’m divorced, so no… I just come out with it. I was embarrased at first, especially because it happened to me at a very young age. But as I got older, I’ve learned that it’s ok. I did the right thing at the right time, and now I have the chance to be truly happy.
Hah, this post caught my eye ’cause i used the same one in my post about this subject (QUITE a long time ago). lol.
As a second-timer myself, I really feel I have learned a lot about what it takes to make a marriage work — and when it’s OK (And better) to ‘give up’. Mr. MJ’s and my views are very similar to yours on the subject though - we’d try anything else first.
I agree. Saying divorce likes it’s a dirty word is just silly. Sure no one wants it to happen, but it does, and sometimes like in the case of my parents (and sounds like your parents too) it’s the right/best thing to do. I, like you, was 5, so I didn’t fully understand what was going on, but I did konw that we were all happier. No more fighting, no more screaming, no more choosing sides. If they had stayed together, my sister and I would probably be nut jobs by now…
I’m so glad you wrote this post, and it’s a brave one to write on a wedding blog. I’m not divorced, because luckily my “ex” and I never got married. But we were together for 6 years and had a child together. I remember when I told my (very religious) father that splitting up was in the best interests of my daughter, I didn’t want her growing up hearing mommy and daddy fighting her whole life. He said “What’s best for her is to have a mother and a father who are married.” I was so very hurt that he was more focused on the “taboo” of us separating (plus the already taboo of us not being married… but that’s another story) than on my happiness and the happiness of my daughter. I completely agree with you. Divorce shouldn’t be a cop-out, but it is very often the RIGHT decision. I did everything I could to make that relationship work, but in the end we weren’t right for each other. And now I am marrying a wonderful man who treats me like I deserve to be treated and I’ve never been so happy in my whole life. If I was afraid of being “taboo” I would still be a unhappy woman in an unhealthy relationship. Divorce, separation, annulment, break-up… whatever form or however you say it. It is what it is. It’s real life.
There…. I hope you don’t mind that I stepped up on the soapbox with you a little bit. 
You’re speaking to my heart today, Sloth. My parents were divorced before I was even old enough to know any different (read: 10 months old). Their divorce was hard, messy, and frustrating, and the relationship continued that way for quite some time. Now, I am 127% in support of their divorce, I think we all would have been miserable had they not gone through with it. I am now the proud daughter of a wonderful “stepfather” who has been more of a dad then my biological father could ever dream of being for me. All of this to say, I have learned a lot from this. Divorce is not a dirty word, I believe it just goes to show that you do get second chances, and will find someone who truly truly loves you. Am I more hesitant about entering into serious relationships because of all this? Absolutely. But does that make me more level headed and prepared for what a serious relationship entails when I finally decide to enter into one? You betcha. And if, unfortunately, I enter into a marriage that ends up being unhealthy for either myself or my SO? It’s okay, because I know that divorce can make things right, too.
I was also soo happy when my parents got divorced. Life was so much better after that. They totally neglected me and my brother. They were both doing drugs, beating each other up and cheating on each other. I think it was time for a divorce.
As a daughter of people who’ve had 3 divorces each and only one couple who’ve never been divorced in my immediate family, I do believe that sometimes divorce is for the better. It should be discussed openly, without shame. Great post.
I agree that it’s not a dirty word. I understand that there is a certain shameful feeling associated with the word, but if it’s for the better there’s nothing to be ashamed about.
my parents got divorced when i was 5 also, and it was probably one of the best things they’ve ever done. i can’t even imagine them together now- they’re like oil and water. and if they didn’t divorce, my amazing (half) brother & sister’s would have never been. when 2 people decide on a divorce, it’s usually a difficult decision that’s for the best. i’ve never heard it called the “d-word” before.. when i first saw the post, i thought you were gonna talk about something dirty!
I’m a second time bride at 37, but thought at 19 when I said” I do” it was forever fast forward 8 years and the ex decided he wanted a girlfriend too! I tried counseling, he went once, when trust is gone it’s VERY hard to get that back.
I agree, divorce shouldn’t be something that is taboo, and in certain situations it is certainly the best choice. My parents divorced when I was six, and it was for the better because my dad was abusive, an alcoholic, and a drug addict. Not good for anyone in my family! We are much better off without him in our lives. However, I do think that the high divorce rate in our society indicates that we need to learn how to be more careful in deciding who we do marry. A lot of divorces happen simply because people rush into things or ignore problems that will never go away. The reason my mom married my dad in the first place was because she was pregnant with me, and she though she could change him with love (Yes, he already had those problems before they were married. And she wasn’t super young, she was 26, so it’s not like she was being “young and stupid.”). So, while I do think divorce is necessary and good sometimes as a last resort, I also think we should as a society learn to approach marriage a little more seriously and with more maturity. I still have many emotional problems and trust issues that are a result of growing up without a loving father, so even when divorce is necessary it still sucks and leaves lasting consequences.
My parents divorced when I was 15. While it was difficult (and even more so for my then 11-year-old sister), I realized from the very beginning it was for the best for all of us. Now my mom is happily remarried to a fantastic man, and my dad is enjoying being a single father with plenty of time to hang out with his two [awesome] daughters. I don’t think it’s a dirty word, and I don’t think it’s anything to be ashamed of.
HAHAHA - well considering his older brother has been married 6 times - and his uncle 8…it’s definitely a word my husband knows! BUT that being said, his mom and dad (step mom and dad) have been married over 25 years now. (real mom died when he was 11). My parents have been married for 38 years. But I have aunts/uncles/cousins who are all divorced. It’s not necissarily taboo - but like you, I understand why it happens and there are people out there who DON’T belong together “forever” - however when it comes to my husband and me - obviously I hope that it DOES last “forever”…but I know that it’s something we have to work at. Just because we’re married, it’s not a magic button that got pushed saying we won’t ever end up disagreeing on where our lives should go. (again, obviously I hope that ours does last forever) But I don’t agree with people who stay in a marriage and are unhappy just because they don’t believe in divorce. Marriage - as everyone here knows - is very hard and you must WORK at it to keep from getting divorced.
Thank you for posting this! I admit that I am sometimes embarrassed to admit that I’m going to be an encore bride in a few more years. The funny thing about divorce is that it’s NOT taboo - until it happens to you. I remember very clearly the shame, humiliation and sense of failure I felt about it. I’d tried so, so hard and it just wasn’t enough. My ex was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive and I *still* agonized over leaving! I know marriages can and do last though. Both Mr. Scrubs and I’s parents are remarried and both 2nd marriages are close to 30 years long and going strong. I hope I’m as blessed on my second time around.
My parents got divorced when I was 16 and as sad as it is, it is for the better. They are much happier now than they were before. They fought ALL the time and now they are at least cordial to one another. Not only was it healthier for them, but healthier for my brothers and I as well. Divorce should not be treated as a taboo subject - it should be discussed openly and honestly, but I think everything else should be tried before resorting to a divorce. My parents did not try counseling and that is the only thing that upsets me is that they just gave up! Wonderful post Miss Sloth!
Good post! Using “the D Word” is nearly as annoying as people who say they “don’t believe in divorce.” As if not saying the word, or pretending it doesn’t exist it makes it any less likely that it’ll happen to you.
I think this is a great post. I come from a divorced family as well. My parents were miserable together and as a child I frequently wished they would divorce because I knew they would be happier apart. They didn’t finally divorce until I was 18 after sleeping in separate rooms and barely speaking for the final 5 years of their marriage. My fiance comes from a family where they definitely treat divorce as the “D” word. Frequently, at their house it is implied that people who get divorced gave up on their marriage or must of rushed into things in the beginning. I find this annoying, I’m sorry but after watching my parents suffer through 20 years of marriage and knowing the emotional impact that it has had on my whole family I believe that divorces are a necessary part of life. People deserve to be happy and sometimes they have to divorce to find that happiness.
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Ms. Sloth, Philadelphia Age and Occupation: 35, Account Manager and Fashion Blogger Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, Design Admin Engagement Date: December 25, 2009 Wedding Date: May 2011 Venue: Bartram's Garden About Me: I'm an internet junkie and music snob with a good eye for a bargain. I couldn't live without thrift store shopping, cheeseburgers, sushi, Coke Zero, websites devoted to silly photos of baby animals, Photoshop, and Mr. Sloth. Speaking of which, he and I are a pair of goofball homebody nerds who love our beagle (the most ridiculously adorable dog EVER) to an embarrassing degree. We're planning a low-key and intimate yet festive and quirky outdoor wedding with DIY details and deeply personal touches, and it's all taking place in the city where we fell in love and call home: Philadelphia.
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