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Like many of you, I’ve gone back and forth about changing my name. I’ve gone through cons like feeling like I’m losing my identity and not being thrilled at trading in my lovely and easy to spell last name for a somewhat more complicated one that doesn’t go as perfectly with my current first name. I’ve also considered pros like how it would be nice to have the same last name as my husband and for something tangible to change once we’re married, as we’re already pretty much married.
We’ve been engaged for a bit over a year now (where did that go?) and I’ve changed my mind about this subject a lot over the past year.
At our engagement party one year ago:
I would say that I was leaning a lot more towards not changing it for most of the year.
I really like my current last name and there didn’t seem to be any pressing reason to change it. Mr. Knitting didn’t care, there wasn’t any social pressure, no family pressure, and I just overall didn’t really want to. I will say that feminism had nothing to do with it. Either way I was going to end up with a name that was passed down by a man, so whether or not it was my father or my husband did not factor in to my decision making process.
However, despite all this, I often felt like I wanted to want to change my name.
I felt like I really wanted to want to take his last name, but had to come to terms with the fact that ultimately I didn’t really want to take his last name. This was tricky to deal with. I would have loved for Mr. Knitting to tell me that it was really important to him for me to take his last name because then I definitely would have wanted to change my name simply because it was important to him. Unfortunately for me, Mr. Knitting doesn’t have an opinion on it and is perfectly happy with whatever I decide, which is really one of the reasons I love him so much.
Anyway, complicated ramblings aside, here’s what I’ve decided. I’m giving myself permission to be undecided. At the moment it doesn’t feel right/I’m not ready to change my name and that’s fine. By the time our wedding rolls around I might feel ready to change my name and if not, oh well. I might feel like that’s the right choice for me in a few years and if so I can change my name then. I don’t have to make a final decision in 2 months. So, I haven’t decided to change my name, but I also haven’t decided not to. I’m undecided and that’s working for me.
Fun celebrity fact: Sarah Michelle Gellar changed her name as an 5th anniversary gift to her husband and we all know how awesome Buffy is!
How are you doing with the name change decision?
Well, if it’s okay by Buffy, it’s ok by me!
I’m 99% sure I’ll be changing it. But still some time to be swayed yet!
Indecision can be a good thing. A friend of mine kept her name AND took on her husband’s name but didn’t hyphenate. It has a great rythym for her.
I didn’t want to change my name, so FI has taken mine. It was the easiest and quickest conversation I think I’ve ever had!
I changed it but since it’s not changed at work yet and not changed on my debit/credit cards yet it doesnt feel 100% real. It definitely is an adjustement and will continue to be one, but I am excited about it - to me it makes the marriage feel more “real” since we have already been living together for almost 3 years!
While I’m not a huge fan of FI’s last name, not changing my name never crossed my mind. We have joked about changing the last name all together (we both think Mr. & Mrs. Awesome has a nice ring to it) but I don’t think we would ever actually do it.
I do know where your coming from though. My current last name is super easy and really common. I never have anyone ask me to repeat or spell it. FI’s last name is annoying and no matter how many times I pronounce it AND spell it, noone ever gets it right. Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to get used to it.
that is an awesome fun fact! I <3 buffy.
i think i’m like you. we live in Quebec right now, where due to laws about maintaining french names, you can’t take your partner’s name when you get married. When I’m done school we’ll probably move to another province, and I’ll have plenty of time then to think about changing/hyphenating my name. or when we have kids, etc. Realizing you have more than one chance to change it definitely takes the pressure off!
I am in the same boat as you - totally undecided still. I do not like his last name, and my current last name just sounds better. (I would also be in a Julia Goolia situation if I took his name). I also feel in some way it would be nice to have the same last name, for future children, etc. So still UNDECIDED.
I’m changing mine primarily because my mom DIDN’T change hers, and as a child it was very hard to explain to people that my parents really were actually married, not even divorced, and they certainly had been married when they had me! Also, my mom ended up changing hers (when I was in law school - 30 years after their marriage!) because as she got older, it started to bother her that when they die, she would be buried next to my dad and future generations would think she was “just some random woman” - lol. Morbid (and a little crazy) but I can see her point! But I definitely think nowadays the non-married parents issue probably isn’t as big of a deal for kids as it was when I was younger…I say do what feels right to you! This is just my personal experience and reason I want to change mine….
You can change it any point, so your undecided works perfectly well. A lot of my friends kept their names, and then changed it after they had children, a few years after marriage. At that point, they wanted to share a family name - and it was the right decision for them.
Woohoo for undecideds! I’m not rushing the decision, I’ll figure it out when the time is right.
I’m glad I’m not the only one that’s undecided about this issue! I’m kinda the opposite though. My last name is really unique, I’m the only person (probably in the world) with my current name, but Mr. Mac on the other hand has a very very common last name. I’m also an education major, and of course all my stuff I’ll be using says ‘Miss S’ all over it. And plus, his last name sounds odd with my first name. I feel like it’s my personal choice if I change my name or not, but he feels otherwise. I wouldn’t dare tell the in-laws, because they’ll probably say I’m being selfish. Am I though? I would eventually change it for our children, but until then I’m undecided too =]
I am definitely changing my name, but for purely superficial reasons. I don’t like my last name. I like his better, even knowing no one will ever pronounce/spell it right. It looks really pretty written with my name.
Also, my mom is remarried and I don’t have any family on my fathers side that I am in contact with, so I don’t really have any attachment to it sentimentally.
And i really like the idea of having the same last name. It makes us our family, not just part of the families we we born into, but our own separate entity.
I was undecided for a bit, but then realized that my old name doesn’t hold too much identity and that my new name could. I also like being called Mrs. husband’slastname. I wrote it out for reals a couple of times already and it feels so good!!
Yeah, I’m pretty chilled about the whole thing like you are. After getting married last year I haven’t changed my name. But I’m open to doing so after a few years, or when I have kids, or when the mood strikes me.
@808mjm202 - I also think that my new name would be slightly Julia Goolia, but my friends reassure me that it’s not that bad…
I’m changing my name, but it’s hard because I love MY name. It’s not about feminism; it’s about me loving my name and being part of MY family. I’m changing it so I’ll feel married because we’ve lived together and have been tied together from the beginning.
I’m going through the name change process now - it wasn’t too difficult for me to decide to change it, especially because my I know it means a lot to my husband, and I like the idea of having the same name as our kids! One word of advice, since I’m going through the process now - I realize these things vary by location (and it could be completely different in Canada!) but in Massachusetts, the marriage certificate must me less than a year old to use it as the legal grounds for name change. Of course you can still go to court and get a court order but it will be a much bigger headache!
I’m keeping mine, and luckily that’s not only ok with the soon-to-be-Mr. Wombat, he prefers it that way. One of the sweetest things he ever said to me was that he liked saying my current full name, that it was the name of the person he loves, and he’d miss it if it changed. <3
Six months after our wedding, I still haven’t changed mine. I’m still undecided. If we have children, I will DEFINITELY change it.
I definitely go back and forth with the whole name changing thing. I actually really like my name and it just feels like me. My name is who I am. But then I know that my fiance wants me to take his name and then we will be a family. But a part of me feels like i will be giving up my old self, which I am in a way. It is just a hard decision to make.
@coffeekitty: You are my new favourite person!
@little miss mac: If I don’t change my name we’re not planning on telling his parents either since they think a marriage isn’t valid unless you have the same last name.
@peachybride: Thanks for the advice. I’ll look into that.
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Mrs. Knitting, Toronto Age and Occupation: 24, Student Recruitment Assistant Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Neuroscience PhD Candidate Engagement Date: October 2009 Wedding Date: December 2010 Venue: University of Toronto Faculty Club About Me: I'm a pearl wearing, etiquette book reading Toronto girl who loves cooking and baking, museums, charm bracelets, and collecting books on Jackie Kennedy (a lot). I've been known to spend Sunday mornings at the antique market, Wednesday evenings at sister sushi dinners, and any bit of spare time reading. After six and a half years of many late night walks, watching DVDs together in bed, travelling to places like New York, and Tobermory, doing Sudokus together on the couch, lots of Indian food, the occasional yoga class, moving in together and so much more, Mr. Knitting and I are planning a cozy Christmasy (it's a word!), vintage wedding in Toronto complete with many DIY projects (eek!) and lots of help from our amazing group of family and friends.
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