Weddingbee Blog

Remember how I said I wanted to talk about people being disappointed in our decisions? Yeah, let’s talk about that now. Then, I promise I’ll shut up about this topic. At least for a little while.

When we asked BIL Cardy to officiate our wedding, he was a bit reluctant. Partially because of nerves and partially because he wasn’t sure how my parents would feel about it. Honestly, this hadn’t even crossed our minds yet, and Mr. Cardy and I were a bit perplexed as to why my parents might have a problem with it. Maybe we were just being naïve, but we honestly figured they would just be happy that we had found a solution we were so excited about, and that would be that. But these things aren’t usually that simple, are they?

It turns out that my parents were very disappointed and upset when they found out that we weren’t planning on having a pastor officiate our wedding. They expressed that they had already been extremely upset that we weren’t getting married in a church (which I had no idea of until about a week ago), and now that we didn’t want to have a pastor, it was an even more difficult situation for them. BIL Cardy told Mr. Cardigan and myself that he didn’t feel comfortable saying yes to marrying us until he had my parents’ blessing.

I’ve had multiple conversations with almost every member of my family in the past couple of weeks, and I feel like I’ve had to justify my decisions and desires more in this week than I have in a very long time.

I’m still not quite sure that I understand exactly why my parents are so disappointed in our choice to have BIL Cardy marry us, but I know that they like to keep things very traditional and that this is a decidedly untraditional wedding, which I’m sure is difficult for them to accept. I understand that and I respect that.

But… I’m not gonna lie; a huge part of me has just wanted to scream at everyone. This is my and Mr. Cardigan’s wedding. Not anyone else’s. Ours. So, in theory, we should get to choose to do it in whatever way we feel fits us best, and that decision should be honored and respected by everyone else. Because it’s our wedding.

I feel like Sister Cardy put it best in one of my many conversations with her these past few weeks (she’s my sounding board for basically every decision I make in my life—I don’t know what I’d do without her). She said that it seems natural to her that I would want BIL Cardy to marry us because I am putting so much detail into this wedding to make it as personal as possible. I am making our own napkins, crafting most of our décor, and I’m adding small personal touches in every single area that I possibly can. Isn’t it only natural that I want to carry that over to the ceremony? It just makes sense that I would want someone who knows Mr. Cardigan and me on a personal level as our officiant, because that will just continue to contribute to all of the rest of the personal touches throughout the day.

But what I’m learning is that people get much more emotionally invested in weddings than I had ever imagined. Some of the choices that we’ve made for our wedding have personally offended various people, and that’s just a sad and frustrating reality that we’re going to have to deal with. I think that it’s a natural part of planning a wedding, and it is just something we hadn’t even thought of before we got engaged.

So, how are we dealing with all of this wedding insanity? We’re facing it head-on. My family is not usually a family of confrontation and candidness, but I’m changing how I handle things, and I’m being as open and honest as I can. It has taken a lot of frustrating phone conversations and many sleepless nights where I’ve just wondered how in the world things will ever work out, but in the end it’s all going to be okay.

I wish that I could tell you that we have a nice, tidy ending to the story, but we really just don’t. My parents have told us that they don’t want to stand in the way of what we want, and they don’t want to tell us we “can’t” have BIL Cardy officiate the wedding, but they’ve also told us that they’re not exactly happy with the choice. It’s a tough situation for me because I’m naturally a bit of a people pleaser and I want to keep everyone appeased, but I feel like my desire for an officiant who knows us well might win out in the end on this one. Mr. Cardigan and I have discussed this issue more times than I can count, and we’ve come to the agreement that this is a decision that is important enough to us to fight for. Even if BIL Cardy decides he isn’t comfortable being the one to marry us (which we would absolutely understand and be okay with), we will find someone else. We’ve already had a couple of good friends volunteer, and while I think they might have been joking, they may be in for a nice surprise when I call them up and accept the offer!

But honestly? Even though I know it’s all going to work out, I’m still a little upset that it had to come to this, and I’m sad that on the day of my wedding I will know that my parents aren’t completely happy with the decisions we’ve made for the wedding. It’s not that I need their approval, but it’s just a sad thought that on our wedding day they might be thinking about what they wish I would have done differently. I really wish that we could make them happy and have the wedding we want at the same time. But that’s okay. My idea of a dream wedding is not their idea of a dream wedding for their daughter, and that’s to be expected. I’m trying my hardest to respect what they want and to be conscious of their opinions when I’m making my decisions, and hopefully they’re doing their best to remember how much these decisions actually mean to me and how invested in this wedding I am.

So to all of you brides who feel like your wedding is being taken over by other peoples’ opinions, or who are sad because people aren’t happy with your decisions for YOUR wedding, just know that you are not alone. I know it’s incredibly painful and frustrating, and I’m dealing with it too. There is no easy answer, but just keep reminding yourself that in the end you are marrying the love of your life, no matter what happens.

If you have any experiences to share, I’d love to hear them.