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You may be surprised to find out that I wasn’t always sure I wanted to get married—especially since I love weddings and had ideas for my own wedding before we even decided to get hitched. But it’s true; as much as I love weddings and other celebrations, there were a lot of conflicts in figuring out if marriage was right for me. It was never about spending the rest of my life with Mr. Cheetah. I was always sure of that—and after being together for a decade (and living together most of those years), we already felt very committed to each other.
I’m a feminist (so is Mr. Cheetah), and I have given a lot of thought to what it means for a woman to enter into marriage today. In the past there were many sexist aspects of marriage. A woman was to obey her husband, domestic abuse laws did not exist, a woman’s worth was closely tied to her virginity, her property became her husband’s after they were wed, her name was never carried on—she had to take his. And the list goes on. Women were in a tough spot; there weren’t many choices for them. Very few careers were open to women, and women did not get paid well. (Remember, women today still make less than men). Often women had to get married just to have a livelihood.
A couple years back, with the recognition of same-sex marriages in many places, I could really get behind the idea of marriage—it’s all about love and equal rights. Hey, I like love and equal rights! That’s the kind of marriage I want! But then Prop 8 happened here in California, claiming that marriage was about traditional (read: sexist) roles. That’s not the kind of marriage I want. Thankfully there has been some positive movement on the equal-marriage front, and I can’t wait for the day that ANY two adults can be joined in marriage if they desire to be.
So why am I getting married? While I believe that you can have meaningful, lasting commitments without marriage and that it is a personal choice for all, I ultimately decided I wanted the legal recognition and rights. Being legal next of kin is very important to us. If we have a family this will make things easier as well. Plus, we are really looking forward to pledging our love in front of our nearest and dearest come March. We do not want an old school or “traditional” marriage. We want our marriage. We define what that is. This is one of the many reasons I’m keeping my name and Mr. Cheetah is keeping his. We can be joined, be a family, and still have our own histories, identities, and lives.
I give a lot of thought to the meaning that is present in my actions in my daily life. So I have taken that approach in my wedding and marriage as well. As I said before, we’re both keeping our names; I’ll remain a Ms., and he’ll remain a Mr. I will not be “given away” or escorted down the aisle. Mr. Cheetah will walk down alone, and I will walk down alone. After the ceremony we will walk back as a married couple together. Even the word “wife” conjures up ideas of traditional roles and marriage for me. I think we’ll use spouse. There was equality in the proposal, too. I guess I should tell you guys about that—post to come soon!
Do you consider yourself a feminist? If so, did you struggle with reconciling your beliefs with the idea of marriage?
I am definitely a feminist and I feel that I could have written this post! I completely agree with most everything you said, this was a great read so thanks!
I totally feel ya on this one. I just married the woman of my dreams on 10/9, and we had our legal ceremony in Washington, DC two days later. As much as it saddened me to be forced into two marriage ceremonies because of Virginia’s discriminatory laws, it felt great to stand in front of the White House and be legally bound to my wife. It has renewed my fervor to keep writing letters, having conversations, and fighting for equal rights for all people. We are both keeping our names, too - Ms. and Ms.!
Great post.
I am also a feminist and I sometimes have a hard idea with the traditional roles of wife and bride.
I won’t be given away either. Mr. S and I will be entering the ceremony area together and leaving it together. I am keeping my last name, and am not interested in the title “Mrs.” Like you, I will be a “Ms.”
@Miss Sloth: My husband and I walked down the aisle together, too! We loved the symbolism of us walking to the altar as equals, hand in hand, giving ourselves to each other.
I love this post. I am definitely a feminist and very against rigid gender roles and have had to really wrestle with what marriage means historically, what it means now to so many people, and what I want out of my partnership with my fiance (and what he wants out of it, too).
For us, it’s also ultimately about the legal rights, the being next of kin, and the declaring our partnership in front of others. Like you, I’m not changing my name (he’s not changing his either, though he should because my last name is AWESOME). It was never really on the table, and when I found out he preferred that I *do* change it and hadn’t really stopped to consider the privilege inherent in his preference, after a few days of guilt, that took it even further off the table. I like the word partner a lot - not only is it gender-neutral, but it reflects who we are and how our relationship is and should be. And when you find a partner, whether it’s in tennis or law or starting a business (or starting a life together), you don’t suddenly become a different person with a different name just because you’re the woman in the partnership.
Holy runon sentences! Anyway, thanks for posting this. I see a lot of my own issues that I’ve been working through, and I am very eager for your proposal story. (we skipped that part altogether and it was so perfect for us that way)
I’m also a feminist, and I love your post. I wrestled with this too - for a long time I didn’t want to get married at all; then I didn’t want to get married until EVERYONE could get married. A friend of mine pointed out that I can do more good in other ways, so I decided to bite the bullet, head toward the alter and join the board of my local HRC!
I absolutely consider myself a feminist, and a lot of what you said rings true for me. I won’t be “given away,” either, and I’m keeping my name. I’m also in California, and was dismayed by the passing of Prop 8. What a disappointment.
So Cheetah, as a self-proclaimed feminist bride, what’s your position on drop veils/blushers/veils that cover the face? Myself, I’m a bit conflicted, because I love the aesthetic of drop veils but I know that historically speaking they go against my feminist ideals.
Yep, count me in. I’m getting married for the first time at 47, and have put much thought into the “why” and “how” of my wedding - and marriage.
I bristle at the word “wife” and even more so at the “Mrs.” label. I will walk down the aisle alone, and my groom will meet me halfway so we can walk the rest of the way together, symbolically approaching our marriage side by side. At the end of our ceremony, we will be pronounced the newly married couple, not “husband and wife.” I will keep my name, and continue to use Ms., as I always have.
Beyond all of that, I have found myself questioning why I want to be married. We do not, and will not, have children, so that is not a factor. Neither is religion. We have lived together, happily, for three years, and neither of us has any doubt that we could continue to live happily for the rest of our lives, unmarried.
So I suppose it comes down to the public declaration of our commitment, in front of our dearest family and friends, and the legal rights marriage will bestow on us (for example, to make decisions for each other should one of us become ill or infirm). And because he asked (heehee).
Oh, and for “The Big Party” (as I like to call it), of course. 
Hooray for all the feminist brides! I love hearing about how your beliefs are working into your weddings!
@Miss Sloth: @crayfish: @NotYourTypicalBride: I love it when couples walk all or part way down the aisle together! It’s such a beautiful and meaningful gesture!
@Entangled: I love the word partner, I need to remember to use it more often!
@poormarylane: I’ve struggled a lot with how certain traditions fit into our wedding. I personally will not be wearing a veil over my face, but that’s not to say you shouldn’t. The history of bridal veils seems to have many different meanings and uses. Plus you can always do things just slightly differently (say lifting the blusher yourself) and reclaim the meaning as your own. Good luck!
I have never considered myself a feminist, but I can really relate to many of the ideas and feelings you’ve mentioned. I have often contemplated the concept of marriage, especially the reasons different couples have for getting married. Thanks for bringing up so many interesting points in this post!
I have considered myself a feminist since I knew what the word meant. Mr. Wombat is a feminist too. One reason he’s the one for me is that he’s one of the few men I’ve ever met who simply takes for granted that sexism is real - he doesn’t just accept or take my word for it that it’s real; it’s as obvious to him as it is for me.
I’m happy we’re getting hitched in Massachusetts, where my gay/lesbian friends can marry too. In fact, the pic I used on our save-the-date postcards was taken at one of my good friends’ same sex wedding in Provincetown!
I’m not changing my name, and as I’ve posted here before, he doesn’t want me to - he likes my name just the way it is. I’m not being given away, we’re not doing bouquet or garter tosses, etc. We don’t have an engagement ring either, for both financial and philosophical reasons.
I think what’s harder than having a feminist wedding planning is having a feminist marriage, living our beliefs day-to-day. For instance, right now, he doesn’t have a job and is feeling really lost about what to do with his life. This is not only hard for the obvious reasons, but because he struggles with the feeling of obligation to be a “good provider.” I tell him that’s not what I’m looking for, but it’s still a very real pressure he feels.
Feminists, represent! Good for you for making your marriage your own. It’s good to know that other brides out there struggle with patriarchal traditions. I love all you ladies who are thinking for yourselves.
So happy and glad to have read this post! Sometimes in the world of weddings I get overwhelmed with the traditional and conservative nature of the wedding/marriage process with very few family and friends questioning it.
I feel like I reconcile my feminist beliefs daily- its a great source of anxiety. Much of this is internal- I love long white gowns even though they signify purity and virginity; I would love to give my father the experience of walking his daughter down the idea even though I personally do not like the idea of being given away; etc. I’m trying to stick to my guns, and its hard. And I consider myself very strongly feminist! I didn’t know it would be this hard.
Also, I am gay and am marrying a woman. This opens up a whooole other can of worms to analyze every single aspect of weddings and marriages, and what that means for two women who, obviously, do not adhere to gender or sexuality norms. The state we live in (Oregon) does not have same-sex marriage and frankly it makes us feel alienated from the few traditional wedding-related things we like. Being a feminist and gay, however, does better equip myself and my partner to chose the right reasons to get married because we’re going to have to fight for it.
Anywho- Thank you, thank you Ms Cheetah for writing this post. And thanks to all the other feminist bees for sharing!
I personally love being a “Mrs.” Like, I can’t wait to be “Mrs. Doctor …”. I took my husband’s last name without a moment’s hesitation and my grandfather “gave me away” in our ceremony because he raised me and helped me become the woman I am today, not because I’m his “property”. I’m still pursuing my own goals and career, just as a part of my husband. Do what you wish, but you’ll really just be roommates with tax benefits, if that. Good luck as Ms.’s, non-wifes, and whatever else you decide to do in life.
I am semi-feminist you could say! I am changing my name, becoming a “mrs”, and my mother is walking me down the aisle…that being said, I’m changing my name because I want to not because it is expected of me and my mother is walking me down the aisle because she raised me and it’s more a special moment for the two of us on my wedding day then a symbol of her “giving” me away. I am someone with high ambitions and career goals that my fiance encourages me to pursue. I was someone that either could or could not get married- I would have been content living together and starting a family (images of Goldie & Kurt, Brad & Angelina are coming into my head right now) but marriage was something we eventually both decided was the right course for us!
Loved your post, though I have to say, while I’m gung-ho women, I guess I really wouldn’t be considered a feminist. I was thrilled to become a Mrs., love the word wife, and am really happy with our traditional marriage. But for me, I think it’s mainly because I was raised in a household that had very traditional marriage roles.
My father worked out-of-town, so my mom stayed home to take care of us. But she was never trapped in that role. She was the family financial planner, budget-maker, and cheerleader. And my dad has never made a point to call it “his” money, it’s family money. So she leads a very fulfilling life, and was able to be very involved in ours growing up, which I’m grateful for.
I applaud you and your decision, it seems to be the right one for many people. I think it’s difficult for some being in a country where both “extremes” are acceptable in society. It makes it hard to reconcile both sometimes. My favorite aspect of feminism is the right of a woman to choose the wife she wants, not the wife society is forcing her into. Good luck on your marriage!
@Mrs. Sand Dollar: & others :
You can still be a feminist and choose traditional roles! It’s about realizing that it is a choice and understanding the meaning and history behind those choices—and of course respecting those who choose less traditional options. Being a feminist is very important to me so I make choices that show that more overtly, however I hope for everyone to consider themselves feminists, even if they decide to go the more traditional route.
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Ms. Cheetah, Los Angeles/Palm Springs Age and Occupation: 31, Artist, Educator Fiance's Age and Occupation: 32, TV Finance Engagement Date: April 2010 Wedding Date: March 2011 Venue: The Viceroy About Me: I’m a silly, sassy lady with a compulsion to create. I love to sing and dance, despite the fact that I lack any talent doing either. I somehow manage to be messy and organized at the same time. I like to spend my days road tripping, watching '80s movies, reading true crime books, buying things on sale, sending postcards, playing board games, dining at food trucks, snuggling, and drinking ginger ale. I have a weak spot for all things sweet, especially Mr. Cheetah! I’m a Chicago girl and he’s a Nor Cal boy but we love living in the City of Angels. After 10 years as a couple we are planning a fun-filled semi-destination wedding in Palm Springs. Hope you enjoy the ride!
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