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What does the word wedding mean to you?
We have a couple of friends secretly get married at the courthouse without telling any of their friends for more than a couple of months. I was so excited for them when they finally broke the news, which they kept to themselves because they were planning to still have a small local wedding. When they looked at the price of throwing a wedding and the planning involved they decided to forgo the wedding and just announce that they had been Mr. and Mrs. for a little while.
Carrie and Mr. Big after their courthouse wedding
Now, I know that for the majority of the readers of wedding blogs planning the wedding is the fun part, but when I heard our friends’ news I stopped a minute and thought about what it would have been like to just get married without the party.
The whole reason for the wedding is to proclaim our love for each other and start the rest of our lives together, but that can be done with cost of the marriage license and a justice of the peace. Why go through an engagement period (25 months for us) and spend a decent amount of money on one day?
For us, the number one reason for the full shindig (yep, I just used the word shindig) is that we want to celebrate with all of our friends and family. We love them all so much but with everyone and their different lives all over the country (and out of country), we don’t get to see them nearly as often as we would like. The wedding is a way to have all of the people we love and care about come together and experience the love that we feel for each other. Saying our vows in front of all of them means the world to Mr. E and me.
The beauty of a wedding is that it’s different for everybody, but in the end we’re all married (well for some that depends on state law, which is simply not fair) and that’s what matters. I love that our friends got married at the courthouse because that is what they wanted, and I love that we’re having a big wedding because that is what we want.
While planning, did you ever rethink the whole wedding? Did any of you run off and elope?
Nice reflection on this subject. I agree with you and sometimes I wonder what it would be like to just fly off with my FI and get married privately and celebrate just the two of us. But, as you said, I love my family and friends LOVE them and want to celebrate!
Thanks for these thoughts.
This is exactly how I’ve been feeling lately. Part of me is rethinking the whole “shindig” thing (fun word!) and wonders if maybe we should just do a courthouse wedding, but we really do want all our friends and family to be there also. Decisions, decisions!
I think about this a lot. Honestly, I would probably do the courthouse thing (something my s/o would love) but what I would have to deal with after with my family….not sure it’s worth it. I love my family and want to celebrate with them but I’m tired of waiting because even though we could manage a small wedding, he is hesitant because he thinks everything needs to be perfect. All I want IS a small simple wedding. I hate having lots of attention on me. Another reason I’m really tempted to elope.
I would LOVE to run off and elope. Unfortunately my fiance is the beloved only child.. I don’t need to start my relationship with my mother in law that way. She’d hate me forever.
I totally agree that there’s beauty and intimacy and a certain loveliness in getting married just the two of you. But I can’t imagine not having friends and family there to celebrate with!
I have honestly considered it a couple of times. But my family is pretty Menno and I’m pretty sure I’d get shunned for a while. 
Great post. We were tempted by both as well. I love the appeal of a simple, private courthouse wedding, but in the end I knew it would be just as wonderful to celebrate with family and friends.
Great post and great topic. I’ve thought about this a lot, because my FI would much prefer to elope. I’ve realized that people have hugely different ideas about what a wedding is or should be about.
For instance, I see a lot of people say (usually as some kind of reprimand) that the wedding “isn’t just about the couple; it’s about the coming together of two families.” But my FI feels very strongly the opposite - that it’s not about the families AT ALL, but about two individuals making a solemn vow to each other.
Both are equally valid ways of seeing a wedding. The difficulty comes when the couple doesn’t share the same view of what a wedding is about at its most basic level, or when people outside the couple try to impose their own beliefs.
We’ve tried to compromise, but it’s not easy. It would have made me feel so sad not to have my loved ones with me when I marry. So we implemented a rule that no one is invited unless he or she is genuinely close to one of us. No parents’ friends/coworkers; no aunts, uncles, cousins, no one who’s an “obligation” invitee. We’re having it at my mom’s house and treating it more like a party than a wedding - no dance floor, for instance. But I’m well aware that he’s giving up more than I am.
Almost everyone else wants me to just take a trip to the J.O.P. It has always been really important to me to have a wedding celebrating our love and marriage with family and friends.
We’re hitting the courthouse this December and having a small family reception the next day. We’re having a bigger reception on our original date, but we are fully disclosing to everyone that we’ve been married (about a year) by that point. No point in keeping it a big secret! For us, it is more about the marriage than a big wedding.
Before we were planning a huge white cookie cutter wedding. Then I stumbled across 2000dollarwedding.com and it opened my eyes. We started from scratch and I’m glad that our wedding will be about family and close friends being there for us. We don’t need 400 guests or monogrammed napkins or cutsy favors everyone will throw away.
I feel like I am getting the wedding I still want while keeping the important thing in focus.
i’m from a very large family, close family like aunts/uncles and cousins are in the 100’s, and thats not counting their spouses. so if i had a wedding with JUST family it’ll be about 200 people.
this is all NOT including my FI’s family, which he says he can trim down to 250. so JUST family is about 450 people. I wanted to have a wedding with about 100 people, guess thats not happening. i keep wanting to just slip away and get married with just our immediate family like siblings and parents, and im so tempted to do that, but i know how hurt the rest of our family will be if theyre not there. so were having a big wedding. is it bad to not want a big wedding?
I’ve been through this thought process before, but I’m like you, we don’t get to see our friends and family as much as we like, so what a great reason to get them all together!
Lil ellie this will truly be Your Day, and your way but can I say city hall or family and friends I know we will be there. I am thrilled you are providing us a chance to celebrate you and mr e with all our family who loves you.
we did this. we went to the court house & kept it a secret & planned the wedding. We didn’t want anyone to skip our wedding because we were already married. After being married for 3 months we decided that it should be a secret. We wanted everyone to know! We ended up skipping the wedding. The marriage is what’s important for us. We are still hoping to take some awesome pictures since i have my dress & deposits are still there for pictures & flowers.
@lilyfaith: As much as they say it’s about us, celebrating with our friends and family is one of the things that we are most looking forward to 
@mightywombat: I think that is really amazing that you were both able to compromise and come up with a solution that worked for you! That must have been hard, but I really like your rule of no one that is not genuinely close to one of you. I wish we could have cut several of those “obligation” invites 
@sarah s: I don’t think there is anything wrong with not wanting a big wedding, especially if your families alone total 450. I feel for you!
@Mrs. Menard to Be: I’m glad that things worked out for you! I hope you’re able to get those awesome pictures, use those deposits that you put down
I considered it, but not really.
Where I really went off the rails was our rehearsal. I mean, the officiant was there… all our best friends and closest family. Part of me was like.. let’s just go. I realized how silly/not money saving it would have been to cancel the day before the wedding, but in retrospect, I would have been completely happy if 10 of our closest friends/family followed by dinner had been the entire “shindig”
We got married at a courthouse in March and I always rethink our wedding. We are already married and we don’t really NEED a party but at the end of the day, we are having a wedding for the same reasons you are - we want to celebrate with our family and friends!
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Mrs. Elephant, Dallas, TX Age and Occupation: 27, Financial Operations Analyst Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, IT Student/Store Manager Engagement Date: March 29, 2009 Wedding Date: April 2011 Venue: The Tribute Golf Club About Me: I'm a Philly native creating roots deep in the heart of Texas. I might be a little obsessed capturing those Kodak moments of anything and everything (mainly on vacations). I've become more of a gamer thanks to Mr. Elephant, who I met online and can't wait to spend the rest of my life with. We are planning a wedding based on our favorite colors, blue and green, with a travel theme for 150 of our closest friends and family. Hopefully our long (2-year) engagement won't kill me!
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