Weddingbee Blog

I figured I’d just dive into the deep end, right?

I don’t *love* the idea of talking about this because it seems so against the norm. But you know what? I don’t believe in “normal” in relationships—there are just things people talk about more than others.

Spoiler alert…it  wasn’t lifelong commitment that freaked me.

Many girls seem to explode into happiness fireworks from the moment the ring is on their finger. I did, too, for a little while. But prior to the proposal, I was already my own little sparkler of relationship bliss. The ring wasn’t some missing piece in my mind, the final step to move our relationship forward. Prior to having a ring on my finger, I never once doubted his commitment to me or my own to him.

I wasn’t especially antsy to get engaged; I already had everything that I wanted. To steal a line, Mr. PD is more of a husband than many actual husbands that I know. He is present, loving, loyal, and always concerned about my needs. And sure, I wanted to marry him because of those reasons, but I wasn’t in a rush. I knew we’d get engaged some day, and then married, and I was happy to enjoy each stage. I never doubted for one moment that we would get there when we got there. (This may be because, as I put him to bed the night of his 21st birthday in college, he smiled to himself and slurred, “I’m gonna marry youuuu” before dozing off. I was 19.)

I guess you could look at it like this: we have been engaged for many years, but we are just now planning a wedding. Not formally engaged, but we settled into “forever” a long time ago. I found my person in life, and that was that. It has been lovely, the whole ride.

My freak-out stems, I think, from how much we like to keep our relationship ours. We don’t communicate via Facebook for the world to see, I don’t talk to a lot of people about the details of our relationship, he doesn’t often come along when I spend time with friends. (I mean. I blog about our love on the Internet, but WHATEVER.)

When we did get engaged, it seemed like everyone looked at our relationship differently, seeing us in a new light. A bright light that was shining in our faces. The ring made me feel exposed—like it somehow redefined our relationship. It was like—YAY! YOU ARE ENGAGED! THIS IS HUGE AND LIFE CHANGING. Yes, it was huge and life changing when we fell in love and knew it was forever, but that was a long time before we actually got engaged. I didn’t want him or me or us to be anything but what we’d been for years—annoyingly obsessed with each other.

We spent the holidays at home celebrating, and the night we got back to Cincinnati, I cried. I was overwhelmed by the idea that the change in our marital status would, in fact, change us.

All of a sudden we were this soon-to-be-wed, engaged couple that I didn’t quite recognize. Would he somehow become more husbandly, me more wife-ish? Fortunately, he understands even the messiest, most complicated parts of me. He didn’t even flinch as I confessed that it all felt like too much attention, too many eyes on us. Why were people acting like everything was different now, like we were different now? He promised it was just us—always has been, always will be. It took a few days, but I started to adjust to the idea the people will understand us differently as a couple, and that’s OK. I know we’re the same—as blissed out as ever.

I’m so far away from the feeling now, almost a year later, that it’s strange to think that I ever felt differently. But I thought I’d write about it, in case there was anyone out there who needed a few days to adjust to all the attention.

Of course, I’m excited to marry the best guy I know. But our relationship, our dynamic, the way that we treat each other, who we ARE to each other—it really has nothing to do with the ring or the titles. Boyfriend, fiance, husband—I’ll take him every way I can get him.

So, did getting engaged make you feel different?