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Mr. Lion and I both come from divorced families. And you know what? I don’t really think it’s that big of a deal…but I’ve noticed that it can be in the wedding world. (I’m not really the type of gal who gripes about how silly society can be, but here it goes.) I’ve run across this expectation that my parents and Mr. Lion’s parents should join together as our two families unite. Well, that a little tough to do if our individual families aren’t even united. Besides, what if that’s not what we want? Why is that the expectation? I have friends who grew up behind a white picket fence in upper middle class suburbia. I also have friends who grew up overseas in the middle of a civil war. I have friends who grew up in households with traditional marriages, I have friends who have same-sex families, I even have a friend who has lived with her significant other for decades and (gasp) just doesn’t want to get married.
The “weird” has become a heck of a lot more normal. Maybe some of the psychology or sociology bees out there can shed some light as to why, but all I know is that the “unusual” is actually pretty common. In my opinion, the same holds true for the opposite. When I think of a “normal” family with two heterosexual married parents, 2.5 kids, and a pet or two, the first image that comes to mind is far from normal:
I don’t mind that my parents are divorced. In fact, I kinda like it better this way. I still have a wonderful relationship with each of my parents…and they’re happier separate than they were together. What makes it awkward are random wedding traditions, such as the anniversary dance.
Don’t get me wrong, the anniversary dance can be so cute. I can certainly see the appeal. At our wedding, however, I think all it would do is make people feel uncomfortable. This brings me to some excellent advice that I received from one of the Lioness ‘maids: You can celebrate your own love without reflecting on everyone else’s.
Maybe I’m being selfish, but I want this wedding to be solely about our love. Not just Mr. Lion’s and my love for one another, but our love, friendship, and gratitude towards all of our guests. Every single person we’re inviting means so much to us…but frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn about their relationships with one another. Not on that day, at least.
Keeping with this “our love only” philosophy, we will not be merging families. Unfortunately, this does make many wedding traditions difficult. Here are a few examples of how we’ve chosen to go the less traditional route:
Invitations - “Mr. and Mrs. Lioness proudly present their daughter as dowry to Mr. Lion, son of Mr. and Mrs. Lion” could not be further from us. Even if my parents were still married, Mama Lioness freaks out at the thought of someone being called Mrs. HisFirst HisLast. I thought about doing “Mr. Lioness and Ms. Lioness invite you to blah blah blah,” but even that felt a little too…ummm…married. I wanted my parents to be presented as separate individuals right from the start. Then I had a thought: “Why should my parents get to do the inviting? We’re paying for most of the wedding ourselves!” So, we took ownership or our invitations and came up with this little number:
We, Lioness and Lion, together with our parents, invite you to blah blah blah…
Programs - We definitely can’t list “Parents of the Bride” and “Parents of the Groom” on our program. Why not list “The Moms” and “The Dads”? It’s not as formal, but neither is our outdoor-daytime wedding!
Seating - Our reception seating chart will be my ultimate organizational masterpiece. We’re not there yet, but I plan to seat Mama Lioness with her side of the family and Papa Lioness with his. The same goes for Mr. Lion’s family. As far as the ceremony goes, I didn’t want to have a bride’s side and a groom’s side (again with the two families merging). Instead, we’re skipping the ushers and we plan to have a sign that says something along the lines of “Don’t choose a side; choose a seat! We’re all about unity here.” I’m hoping that will help make things a little less divisive.
Do you have a less-traditional family? Any other tips you’d like to share?
this is a great post! my parents are still married, but fi’s divorced and his mom remarried but his dad didn’t. the only thing i’m sad about for the wedding is that we can’t do old wedding pictures around the cake..i would feel too bad leaving out ffil!
We totally pulled a ‘together with their parents’ number as well. Luckily some very thoughtful people have come up with nice ways to deal with all the normal weirdness.
Oh wow, I have a mother who has been married and divorced three times. There’s my biological father, the guy who adopted me, and the guy who was like a father to me.
My situation is different in which my mom pretty much raised me so our invitations stated her name and my husband’s parent’s names. Although we paid for it, I did like the ring to it. However, I love love love your idea.
Our programs said parents of the bride. I listed Mr. & Mrs. M and L Cor… for my dad who is happily remarried and Mr. & Mrs. W & D Bis… for my mom and ex stepfather bc they still do have the same last name and that’s the way it was. They are my parents. No one knows the details but me. As you were saying it’s so common to come for divorced parents I dont think anyone would think twice about seeing two sets of parents.
They were announced just the same at the receptiong. I did my father daughter song w/ my biological father…and just when everyone thought it was over…I called the guy who was like a father to me onto the dance floor and shocked the world.
My advice is don’t stress too much, bc none of your guests quite know the details like you and your FH do…nor do they care. So set the “traditional” things up the way you wish and all will be well in the end.
Side note:
My wedding was the first time I had my biological parents in the same room in 3 decades. It had the potential to be an absolute mess and instead it was a dream come true!
On our invites, we just used our names “S & D invite you to share in their happiness…” My mother, stepmother and father don’t get along at all. I wasn’t even sure the latter two were going to come. I didn’t want to have them on the invite if they weren’t going to show, because that would embarrass me, I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by having my mother and father or my stepmother and father, and I didn’t like the aesthetics of having all three.
I thought about having just his parents (especially since they helped us so much with the wedding) but DH was worried that if my parents would be more offended to not be on at all. In the end, we just used our names, and explained the situation to his parents (and thankfully, they weren’t offended).
On our programs, I had “Parents of the Bride: Father & Stepmother LastName” and on the line directly below that my mother’s name. Everyone seemed happy enough with it. My mother was fine being listed below them.
It was a lot of awkward sidestepping…I don’t think it shouldn’t have been so hard, but even 20 years after the fact there’s still so much tension between the three of them.
It has always bothered me that a formal “American” wedding invitation reads more like a financial statement - stating who pays for the wedding. In other cultures (Europe) the focus is on the union of two families for the love of their children and not who is shelling out the bucks- whether or not the parents are married/divorced etc. - so the invitation would read Tom Smith & Nancy Bell and John Right & Sharon Cute invite you to the marriage of their children….. Notice that the married women also retain their maiden names and do not take their husbands name!
I love the “don’t choose a side - choose a seat!” idea. I’ve never liked that division anyway.
We’ll also be doing the inviting ourselves (and we are paying for it). We have additional oddities… neither of us have a father (or grandfather) figure in our lives (dead or cut off), so it’s just our moms (and grandmothers).
My parents are divorced, too. So we ran into many of the same things, such as the programs, seating, etc. One tip I have is to make sure your photographer is well aware. I loved my photographer, but he must not have told his assistant my parents were divorced because his assistant had my parents take photos together alone. I’m sure it was awkward for them, but they were both good sports. I just wish the assistant was informed.
Love your idea with the sign for seating! I really do not want to have ushers either since our wedding is going to be really small. Great idea!
Hi There!
My fiance and I have been together 13 years (Yike!) and we have a 20 month old son. We are having a small friends & family wedding (40-50) people. Our invites say:
Jane Doe &
John Smith
invite you to share in our marriage celebration
of love, devotion, and family
I let our parents know ahead of time of the wording. And besides, like you said, we are footing the bill.
Your friend is a wise lady–great advice! Thanks for sharing!
I too come from divorced parents and wording of the invitations has me confused. My mom and stepfather are, so far, footing most of the bill ( I have yet to ask my Dad for contribution, I’m sure he will).
Who should be listed first, my Mom & Stepfather or my Dad and Stepmother?
I am still puzzled how to incorporate my stepfaher in the wedding. I want my Dad to walk me down the aisle, and for the father daughter dance. I want my stepfather recognized since he has been in my life for 25 years.
Any ideas of how others have incorporated your stepfather in the wedding?
Thanks for posting. I hadn’t even thought of the issue of program wording around the multiple parents.
My parents are divorced and my dad is remarried so our invitation is going to say Ms. C on the first line then Mr. and Mrs. D below. I wasn’t sure about order and wording but we looked up the “etiquette” and my mom said she was ok as long as she got top billing! lol I’m just having a hard time including my step mom since we aren’t very close. I hadn’t thought about the wording in the programs but I am going to have my half brothers escort her down the aisle before all the other family members.
My mom and stepdad are hosting the wedding at their home; they, my dad and stepmom, and my FI’s mom and dad are splitting the bill three ways (bless them!). I don’t know yet how we’re going to word it, since they really are genuinely making the wedding happen. (I’m a grad student and FI is recently unemployed; the wedding would be an elopment if not for their contribution. Luckily, we’re very grateful and they’re not controlling, so it’s working out beautifully.)
Maybe something like:
Mom and Stepdad
Dad and Stepmom
FIL and MIL
invite you to celebrate the wedding of their children,
mightywombat and mr. mightywombat,
at the home of Mom and Stepdad
June 25, 2011
etc.
p.s. It won’t be Mr. and Mrs. anything for my parents though; it will be their full names spelled out. Esp. because my mom and stepdad don’t share a last name.
Also from a less traditional family, as is the future hubby. I don’t know my biological dad so my step dad who as adopted me will be there for me. The FI doesn’t know his mom and so there will be no mother-son dance. We are adapting and I think it will be fine. Good topic!
Love this post! We’ll likely go the “together with their parents” route for the invites and I don’t like seating sides for the ceremony either. And I HATE Mrs. HisFirst HisLast–it’s horrible and sexist! I refuse to use it for anything. Luckily since I am keeping my name I won’t be called that 
ok, we’re pretty traditional, but I do love this:
“don’t choose a side, choose a seat”!!!
My parents are still very happily married after 34 years, but FI’s parents are long divorced. My parents are paying for the majority of the wedding (mainly reception, food, my dress).
Because FI’s divorced parents have agreed to pay for the bar and entertainment for the reception, I had just thought we would word our invites “Together with their families…”
The other night, my parents informed me that since I am their only daughter, they expect that the invite will read “Mr. and Mrs. M request the pleasure blah blah blah…” despite the fact that they are not footing the entire bill… go figure. Now I feel like I need to acknowledge FI’s parents who are also kicking in a few thousand dollars.
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Mrs. Lioness, Atlanta Age and Occupation: 25, Physical Therapist Fiance's Age and Occupation: 25, Attorney Engagement Date: August 29, 2009 Wedding Date: April 2011 Venue: Anthony’s Fine Dining About Me: I’m a Southern girl with New England roots. I say "wicked" and "y’all" in the same sentence and I like to drink sweet tea with my lobster. Mr. Lion and I are both former Floridians now living in Atlanta, which fortunately is still SEC country...Go Gators! We both love baseball, coffee, traveling, cooking, and playing Words with Friends with each other on our iPhones all day long. I’m very passionate about the things and the people I love, and I tend to plan things with all of my heart...our wedding, of course, is no different! Oh, and also Mr. Lion is a first generation American of Cuban descent. I may look more like Lucy than Ricky, but I’m doing my best to incorporate some Latin elements into our vintage-garden-Southern wedding!
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